Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  Brooks sat up and looked at me like I’d just stabbed him. “Us? This?”

  “No. Branch. Being with him was a mistake and if I’d just admitted that a long time ago, I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to you.”

  His eyes filled with raw emotion. “What are you saying, Kat? Are you still marrying my brother today?”

  I shook my head. “No. I can’t marry Branch. I couldn’t live with myself and how I feel about you. He deserves to be with someone that isn’t hiding the fact that they’re in love with someone else. I know it doesn’t make what we did any better, but he should have known this would happen, eventually. I mean, did he really think this would never happen? Is this why he kept us apart? Did he do this to us, Brooks?”

  He tightened his lips and I watched tears falling down his face. “I’m sorry, but all I heard from that was you saying we couldn’t be together.”

  “You know it isn’t possible. What we did will destroy the family.”

  “Last night was the best night of my life. I won’t regret it, and I won’t let you walk away from this. I’m tired of letting him have you. He doesn’t deserve you. I deserve you, Kat. You’ve always been mine and you know it. How could you lay there saying you can’t be with me?”

  I shook my head and cried harder, feeling his pain and knowing that his heart was also breaking. “I’m sorry. I can’t look at your parents knowing what I’ve done. All these people are here to see me marry your brother and I’m in bed with you.”

  “I don’t give a fuck who’s here.”

  “Brooks, please don’t get angry.”

  He stood up and started pacing. “Do you know how long I’ve waited for this to happen? Kat, wake up! I want you. How people feel about it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t give a shit about anyone else. You’re all that matters.”

  I opened my mouth to speak and heard someone knocking on his door. When I started to freak out and run to the bathroom, I decided to stay on the bed. I’d known we’d been loud enough that they would know he wasn’t alone.

  Brooks pulled up his boxer briefs and went toward the door, while I covered up and waited for him to send whoever it was away.

  “Where is she?” It was Branch, and he wasn’t happy. Before I could hide my shocked face under the covers, he came walking in.

  “Branch, don’t hurt her. It was my idea. I made her do it.”

  He stood over the bed, staring at me, knowing that I’d spent the night with his twin brother. He was fuming and my crying became very apparent. In that instant I was afraid for my life, but especially Brooks’. “The night before our wedding, Katy? How could you do this to me?” His anger was felt through his words and I didn’t know where to begin to explain.

  Brooks took the lead, defending our actions as if what we’d done was okay. “You did this, bro. You kept her from me for all these years. I told her everything. She knows you kept us apart to have her for yourself.”

  Branch turned around and shoved Brooks against the other bed. “Get the fuck out of my face, Brooks.”

  Brooks stood up and got right up in his face, challenging him. When I knew it was about to explode into something horrible, I jumped up and got in between them.

  Maybe I should have kept the sheet on, because standing there naked wasn’t exactly helping the situation. “Please don’t do this. We all need to talk this through.”

  Branch looked down at me and shoved me down on the bed. Brooks had him by the neck and threw him to the floor. “If you ever touch her like that again, I’ll kill you.”

  I’d never seen Brooks act so violently, and realized that he’d been trained to kill. His years away had changed him, and after losing me and knowing I was living a life with his brother, he’d built up so much animosity that it was bleeding through him.

  I ran up and put my arms around his back, calmly coaxing him to release Branch’s neck. “Please, don’t do this.”

  Brooks calmed and sat back on the floor across from his brother. I grabbed a sheet and sat across from them. “Branch, we need to talk.”

  “Bullshit. You need to get dressed and go get ready. This shit never happened, do you hear me?”

  I stood up before Brooks could come at him with anything else. “No! I’m not marrying you. I can’t. I don’t love you like you need me to. I’ve never loved you like I love him, and you’ve always known it, haven’t you? Why did you tell me he never wanted me? How could you do that to your own brother, and to me?”

  Branch stood up and got close to me. I knew Brooks was ready to pounce again, so I held up my finger to keep him from making a move. “Are you really going to bring up shit from when we were teenagers to justify you fucking my brother the night before our wedding? I should have known you’d whore yourself out to him. You always did want things that were beneath you.”

  I slapped him as hard as I could across the face. “Get out! Get out of my face!”

  He grabbed my arms and Brooks had finally had enough. He placed his hand on Branch’s back. “Let go of her, Branch.”

  “Screw you.” He looked from me to Brooks. “You two make me sick. If I never see you again it will be too soon. Get your shit out of my apartment before I get home, Katy. After I’m done telling my parents about the two of you, I’ll be the only child that this family has. You just ruined your lives. I hope that pussy was worth it.”

  Brooks hit him so hard Branch fell to the ground. Then he picked him up and threw him out of his room. When the door was shut, he turned to see me falling back down on the floor, unable to breathe. I was having another attack, and this time it was because I knew we’d ruined our happy lives.

  It wasn’t about me, but more about Brooks losing more respect from his parents when he’d done nothing but love me.

  In that moment I knew what I had to do and neither of us were going to like it.

  Chapter 12

  I started pulling my dress down over my head, before Brooks could say anything. He approached me with a worried look. “What are you doing? You don’t have to leave. We can do this together. Did you think I’d expect you to face them by yourself?”

  “I need to get my bag out of my room, before they all come looking to kill me. I’ll be right back, I promise. You don’t have to worry.”

  He grabbed my arm as I began to reach for the door handle. “Kat, you are going to come back so we can talk, right? You’re not just saying you are?”

  I gave him a look, as if he was crazy for thinking it. “Of course. Stop worrying. I’ll be right back.”

  He leaned down and kissed me passionately, like we had all of the time in the world. I savored it, knowing I wouldn’t be back. This was our last kiss, and I had to remember it forever. His love radiated through me and I couldn’t help but start to cry. He had my heart and I wanted him to always remember that. Without it he wouldn’t be able to move on and I wanted him to be happy, even if it would take him a while to open up again.

  I’d ruined our happy family and the only way to make amends was to leave. Without me in the picture they could work on forgiveness. My love had destroyed the three of us and I couldn’t live with myself knowing it.

  When I finally pulled away, he wiped the tears off of my cheeks. “Hurry back to me. We’ve got forever to spend together.”

  Those words were going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

  I was a bawling mess by the time the elevator doors closed. When I reached my room I rushed in, finding Melissa standing there trying to call someone. She threw her phone on the bed. “Where have you been? I called Branch looking for you and he cussed me out. What the hell is going on, Katy? I thought you spent the night with him? Where were you? What is going on?”

  I started throwing all of my things in my suitcase. “I can’t talk about it right now.”

  “You need to be downstairs for pictures in two hours and you look like death. What is going on? I’m your friend. You can talk to me. Just tell me what happened. Are you two fighting?”

 
I looked right at her with the most serious face. “I spent the night with Brooks. You know, the guy who shut you down last night? He did it because he wanted me. He’s wanted me since we were little kids. As much as you’re probably judging me in your head right now, I’m already judging myself.” I shook my head and zipped up the luggage. “Look, I don’t have time to explain the details, and I don’t expect you to even consider me a friend again. There’s so much more to the story than you could ever know, and I feel like if I had the time to explain you’d understand. I just can’t talk about it, right now. I’ve got to get out of here.”

  She stood there, stunned and speechless.

  I pushed her to the side to get my bags near the door. I was running out of time. At any moment Branch was going to come after me. He’d probably already told his parents, who were equally devastated. The thought of that made bile rise to my throat. I could feel my body getting dizzy and my chest felt tight. My anxiety was through the roof and I had to disappear before it could get even worse.

  She came up behind me and smacked me right in the face. “That’s for lying to me, because I’m assuming you’ve been in love with him for you to do something so scandalous the night before your wedding. I made a fool out of myself, and you knew he didn’t want me the whole time. And you-- how could you do that to Branch? This hotel is filled with people that came here to see you marry him. They are here to see you promise your faithfulness to him. Does that mean anything to you?”

  I looked down at the ground and accepted the sting as payment for being a shitty friend. “I’m so sorry, Mel. I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t accept it myself. I do know what it means to be faithful and what I’ve done is unforgivable. It’s done. The damage is done and I can’t change it. They’re never going to forgive me for what has happened. Branch will make sure of it. He’ll make sure they never speak to me again. He’s not going to stop until he’s satisfied. I know how he is. I’ve started a war that I can’t defend myself in and I’ve got to get as far away from him as I can.”

  She grabbed my suitcase. “Let’s just get you out of here and we’ll talk on the road.”

  I dropped my other bags and wrapped my arms around her. “Thank you.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m still mad at your ass and maybe even a little jealous.”

  “Don’t be.” We walked out and I hit the elevator button. “You wouldn’t want my life. Nobody would ever want this life.”

  When we got down to the lobby, my heart was weighing heavy on the fact that I was destroying Brooks by leaving him. I knew I owed him a better explanation, so after we got the car loaded I found a pen and piece of paper from one of my schoolbooks and started writing him a goodbye letter.

  Melissa sat there rubbing my hair as I cried and wrote the words that I was too chicken to say to him.

  Dear Brooks,

  This letter means that I broke my promise to you. I had to walk away from this before I had to look them all in the eye and admit what I’ve done. I couldn’t stay and face the consequences. I know I’m a coward and that a part of you will never forgive me for this.

  Not only have I destroyed the bond that you and your brother once shared, but I’ve disrespected your parents and all of the generosity that they’ve given me for so many years.

  This letter isn’t something that my heart takes lightly. I know what I’m giving up, and it hurts more now knowing how absolutely perfect it felt to be in your arms and feel your love radiating through me.

  I will cherish the night we spent together and remember it every day for the rest of my life.

  Please don’t look for me. I’ve decided to finally go out and make my own decisions for once. I want to move forward and start fresh where I won’t be judged for loving you. Just know that no matter where I end up, you will always have a piece of me.

  Some people say that love never dies. If that’s true then I hope you can forgive me for walking away from it. I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this.

  I would do anything to take back the last few years and be with you, instead. If I had known what I know now there would never have been a question as to who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It’s always been you, Brooks. I’ve known that I loved you since our first kiss. Maybe even before it. Denying it will always be my biggest regret. I know what we could have had together and it kills me inside.

  This is my goodbye. It will be the last time you ever hear from me again. Please tell your family that I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I hope in time they can forgive you. After all, you’re the son they should be praising, not your brother. In fact, you’re the most brave, beautiful man I’ve ever known. Don’t let my actions change that.

  I’m sorry and I love you,

  Katy

  With trembling hands I wrote his room number and name and handed it to the bellhop before we pulled out of the hotel valet slot.

  After the two-hour ride, where I sobbed and tried to explain the whole story to Melissa, we pulled up at the apartment.

  Since I didn’t know where Branch was or if he was coming to murder me for embarrassing him, I hurried inside and started packing everything that I’d be able to fit inside my tiny car. I grabbed clothes, jewelry, toiletries, and one picture collage of the three of us throughout the years growing up. Melissa helped me carry out several bags before she left me alone to say a final goodbye to the life I was leaving behind.

  I played with the engagement ring on my finger and finally took it off. Then I grabbed a sticky note and wrote the words “sorry” on it. After putting the ring and my cell phone on top of it, I took one last look around the room and closed the door behind me.

  Melissa was in the driveway waiting. Her face showed that she was not only still my friend, but also a concerned one at that.

  “I guess this is it?” she asked as I approached. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  “I don’t have a choice. They’re the only family I have and I know they hate me.”

  “Will you call me when you’re safe?” I felt bad that she was concerned.

  “I’ll send word your way that I’m fine. I’ll try to keep in touch.”

  “This isn’t goodbye. I’m going to hunt you down if I have to.”

  I hugged her tight. “Thank you for today and everything else. I’m sorry I lied to you.”

  She pulled away. “Given the circumstances, I get it. Don’t worry about me. You take care of yourself.”

  She waved as I pulled away, and to be honest, I seriously contemplated driving myself off a bridge. I had nothing to live for; no reason to continue going on. The only thing that was coming my way was pain and loneliness and it was all my fault. I was a horrible person that needed to suffer for hurting them.

  I don’t remember half of my drive, or even the fact that I’d crossed over state lines twice. All I knew was that I was sitting in front of a country restaurant and it was dark outside. Opposite the building, there was a motel lit up with the word “Vacancy.”

  I parked my car and checked my face, realizing that it was completely swelled and impossible to hide. Then I walked inside to get a room.

  Thirty-seven dollars later, I was walking inside a room that looked like a horror movie had been filmed in it. Unable to care about anything, I fell down on the bed and let out the rest of the tears that I had in me. Exhaustion had taken over and I was tired of fighting it. My last thoughts were of Brooks and how twenty-four hours before I was in his arms.

  I hugged the pillow and fell asleep, unable to accept that I’d walked away from the only family I had left.

  Chapter 13

  Waking up in a filthy motel only reminded me of how messed up my life was. I hadn’t just given up on my love life. I’d left everything behind.

  School.

  Friends.

  Family.

  Everything!

  I sat up and looked around the room, noticing the old wallpaper was peeling in the corners. Just being inside of a place so d
ilapidated made me need to take a shower. After going outside and getting my toiletry bag, I locked the door, attached the chain and headed into the bathroom. A roach was crawling around the bottom of the tub and I was too tired to even care. I turned the water on and watched him circling around the drain. That was how I felt; like my whole life was circling around a drain, waiting to be drowned by misery.

  I waited for the water to get hot and the bug to have fallen down the opening before stepping inside. The hot water fell over top of my traumatized body. I closed my eyes and tried to recuperate enough to run the soap over my skin. As my hand stroked my arm, I thought about Brooks touching me. I imagined the way his lips had felt against my skin.

  Just seconds after stepping in, my legs gave way. I fell down and crouched myself into a ball, then buried my face between my legs and let out even more agonizing thoughts. It wasn’t just the fact that I was completely alone. I was utterly broken.

  I’d destroyed my life, and I wished that I had enough guts to take a bottle of pills and douse them in a bottle of alcohol, knowing that when I closed my eyes they would never open again.

  I felt as if I’d reached the lowest point in life and that trying to overcome it wouldn’t just be impossible, but it was unattainable.

  I stayed in the shower until the cold water became unbearable. Shivering, I climbed out and dressed into something comfortable. My journey wasn’t over. It had only just begun. My motivation was finding distance and I knew the further I drove it would better the chance of them never being able to find me. I wanted to be invisible, so they could pretend that I didn’t exist.

  After checking out, I got back on the road, stopping at a branch of my bank to withdrawal all of my funds. It was a good thing that I used a well reputable bank with locations in all fifty states, otherwise I would have been screwed. It wasn’t like I was able to think rationally. There was too much running through my head all at once.

  All I knew was that I couldn’t leave them clues. I couldn’t have them searching for me and finding me, because I’d left a trail of receipts. I needed to remove the evidence and never use the account again.