Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  They drew blood and did a full work-up to see why I couldn’t keep anything down. I’d also discovered that I’d lost fifteen pounds in two short months. My reflection was almost hard to recognize and I was ashamed that I’d let myself get into such poor health.

  With Sarah sitting next to me, the doctor came back into the room nearly an hour later. “Do you want the good news or the bad?”

  “Both?” All I needed to hear was that I was dying. My pathetic existence was ending because I’d eaten a bad batch of tuna or something ridiculous like that.

  “The bad news is that you’re probably not going to get better for a while.”

  “What’s wrong with her? Is it treatable?” Sarah was as concerned as I was.

  “Your friend here is pregnant. She’s sufferin’ from a bad case of first trimester sickness. It happens from time to time. There’s a couple things she can eat and drink that can help alleviate it.”

  “Whoa!” I sat up and looked right at him. “Did you just say I’m pregnant?”

  He smiled. “I’ve been doin’ this for thirty-seven years. I think I know what I’m talkin’ about.”

  I put my hands over my face, unable to speak. “How far along am I? Can you tell?”

  “I’ll have to schedule you for a sonogram before we can diagnose something like that. Do you know when your last menstrual cycle was?”

  I tried to think back to when I’d had my last period. I knew it was a couple weeks before my wedding date, because Branch was trying to get some until he found out I was bleeding. Then we got busy with the wedding. “December fourth, maybe. It was somewhere around that time.”

  “Just based on that I would say you got pregnant somewhere around the nineteenth to the twenty-fifth of the month maybe a little later. Does that sound about right to you? The normal ovulation cycle is usually around fourteen days after your menstrual cycle starts.”

  I began to cry, so uncontrolled that a nurse came in to see what was the matter. The doctor dealt with a couple other patients and came back in with all sorts of paperwork and different options.

  I flipped out after looking down at one of them and seeing something on being pro-choice. It went on to say that abortion was a legal option.

  I threw the pamphlet at him and said words that I knew I shouldn’t have. By the time that they’d gotten me calmed down enough to walk to the car, Sarah was practically in tears with me. I’d embarrassed her and I was so sorry for it.

  None of them could understand the complexity of the situation. They could never understand how important this pregnancy was to me. I couldn’t kill something that belonged to him. I couldn’t ever fathom that as being an option.

  She closed the door on the driver’s side and handed me a prescription written out for prenatal vitamins. “You didn’t have to be mean to him. He was just doin’ his job.”

  “I’m sorry. It’s not like you were happy about that flyer.”

  “I would never have an abortion, but I’m not stupid enough to believe that everyone around feels the same way I do. I respect your decision, no matter what it is.”

  I put my hands over my face and started to panic. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

  “Let’s get you home and in bed and we’ll figure it out. I’ve got plenty experience havin’ babies. We’ll get through this. You need to remember that you’re not alone.”

  But I was.

  Sure, I had friends, but the friend that I needed the most wasn’t around. He had more vested in my pregnancy than any of my new friends could have.

  I shook my head and looked at her, unable to still admit what was burning through my mind. “I’m not ready to be a mother. My child won’t have a father.”

  “Katy, calm down. It’s bad for the baby. We’ll figure it out. I promise.”

  She drove us to the pharmacy and waited for my vitamins to get filled. She also picked up a bag of ginger snaps, in which she swore would settle my stomach.

  After helping me get into a nightgown and back in my bed, she left me to rest.

  I didn’t get out of that bed for two days, and in that time I’d soaked my sheets at least three times with buckets of tears. Not only was I having a baby, but based on the doctor’s calculations, there could only be one father. Brooks, the man that I shattered and abandoned, had given me more than his heart that night we’d made love. He’d given me something even more fragile.

  I was having his baby, and he was never going to find out about it.

  Chapter 15

  April 2011

  I stared into the full-sized mirror, looking at my stomach from the side. Sarah sat on my bed laughing at me. “It says here that in the second trimester you can expect the sickness to go away. It makes sense since you haven’t thrown up in a few days.” She liked reading my baby books, as if she’d never seen them before. Since she’d been the person to give them to me, with half of the pages dog-eared, I knew she was just revisiting her own two pregnancies.

  I often wondered if she’d end up pregnant one day because she actually liked it.

  “Does it say how fat I should be at four months? Look at my stomach. I don’t know whether it’s gas or the baby.”

  She laughed. “It was a good thing you finally had the first sonogram. Can you imagine if it was twins? I know you were freaking out for a while.”

  I shot her a dirty look and went back to admiring my little bump. We’d made a pact not to bring up the word twins anymore. That word only brought me memories of a something that I’d never have again. My whole childhood was like I lived it in another life.

  I kept running my hands over my belly. It wasn’t like I was worrying about getting fat. I had no one to impress.

  It had taken me a while to accept that I was going to be a mother, and even longer to be okay with raising the child by myself. In a couple of days I’d be far enough along to find out what I was having. All I could hope for was to look at that screen and see ten fingers and ten toes. The sex didn’t matter to me. I wanted my baby to be healthy since my first trimester had been so filled with stress.

  I’d had a sonogram a few weeks earlier that verified my conception date and that I was only carrying one fetus.

  For a while I had nightmares that the baby was Branch’s. Knowing that I hadn’t been intimate with him since before my period, and even then we used condoms, put my mind at ease.

  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate Branch. I knew I’d hurt him and he’d never forgive me, but somehow, knowing that this baby was Brooks’ and mine, helped me cope with losing him. I knew that a piece of him was growing inside of me and that we’d made it out of a life-long love for one another.

  I also was aware that my baby would always signify that love, even if we’d only had one real night together.

  I’d finally stopped puking every day and my face was beginning to fill out. My friends, Sarah, Dave and Bobby were so supportive, and between the three of them and the kids, they never let me out of their sight for long. Sarah took me to my doctor appointments and basically shoved my vitamins down my throat every day.

  My boss at the restaurant, Sherry, was even getting excited, claiming she was dying to hold a baby again now that her three kids were teenagers.

  I felt supported, and I needed it more than ever before. Without parents, or even family to have my back, I depended on my friends and was thankful they didn’t mind being my shoulder to cry on.

  And boy did I cry.

  My emotions weren’t just heightened from being pregnant. I was always on high alert, and something as silly as a commercial could have me sobbing.

  I tried to be strong and focus on the good in my life. I had my health and nice place. My job was flexible and I’d been welcomed into a town that I was happy to call home.

  But I still cried.

  On the day of my sonogram to find out what I was having, Sarah’s youngest Maddy came down with a fever. It was rainy and cold outside, and I knew she couldn’t go with me. I’d sto
pped on my way because I needed gas, and when Bobby saw my car, he came running out and insisted on pumping it while I stayed warm and dry. I rolled down my window to pay him and say thanks for him helping. “Hey, here’s a twenty.”

  He smiled and leaned against my window. “Your money’s no good here today, Katy. What are you doin’ out on this nasty day?”

  “I’ve got a doctor’s appointment. It’s the big one where I find out what I’m having.”

  Bobby looked over at the shop and then back to me. He tapped on the roof of my car. “Hey, pull over a minute and wait for me to come back.”

  I did as he told me, especially after he wouldn’t take my money. Surprisingly, he hopped into the passenger seat, minus the coveralls that he’d just been wearing. “What are you doing?”

  He smiled and looked over at me. “A pretty woman like you shouldn’t be doin’ this all by herself. I’m goin’ with you.”

  “You don’t have to. I’m perfectly capable.”

  He put his hands up. “Katy, it’s not a big deal. We’re friends and I’m just tryin’ to be supportive.”

  Since I really didn’t want to do it alone, and we really were friends, I accepted his offer. After an hour wait, we were taken to the back. Bobby turned around while I got myself ready for the procedure. Once I was covered up with only my belly exposed, he sat down in the chair beside me.

  The technician came in the room and started lubricating the roller. I watched the screen and recognized the head right away. A little heart was beating in the middle of the body.

  The tech took a couple measurements and then started looking between the legs. “Do you want to know the sex?”

  I was so excited. “Yes. Yes I do.”

  She double checked before announcing, “It’s a girl. Congratulations.”

  She printed out a picture showing that it was girl and left me to get cleaned up. I was so excited to know I was having a little girl that I started to cry. Bobby reached over and held my hand. “Are you goin’ to be alright? Did you want a boy?”

  I laughed through another bout of tears. “No. A girl is perfect. I think it’s just overwhelming. You must think I’m crazy.”

  He squeezed my hand and looked down at the picture. “I’ve never seen anything quite like that. It’s pretty amazin’, ain’t it?”

  I nodded.

  “I hope you’re not mad I tagged along. Sarah called earlier and mentioned she couldn’t go with you. I planned my lunch out so I could fill in for her.”

  I sat up and wiped the mess off of my stomach. “You didn’t have to. As you can see, it wasn’t painful.”

  He helped me slide off the table and stood there facing me. “I um, this is probably the worst time and place to do this, but I was wonderin’ if you like to have dinner with me sometime, other than on our card night of course.”

  I wasn’t ready to date, but Bobby and I were friends. Along with Sarah and Dave, we’d all bonded. He knew my backstory and didn’t judge me for it. With a child on the way and no hope of ever falling back into a life with Brooks, my options were limited. If a nice guy wanted to take me to dinner, I knew I had to take him up on the offer, before I was too fat and pregnant to be able to get into a car and go anywhere. “That would be nice. Thanks for asking.”

  He smiled, “Really? I figured you’d say no at least ten times.”

  We both laughed. “We’re friends, Bobby. I’d like to go out for a night on the town with you. I trust you.”

  He looked embarrassed that I’d complimented him. It was one of the things that I liked about him. Everything about Bobby was innocent. It made me feel safe, like I knew he would never hurt me. “I reckon we best be gettin’ back then.” And there was his sexy southern drawl that added a little masculinity to his voice.

  He drove us back to the repair shop, and I hugged him before getting into the driver’s seat to head home. “Thank you, again. It was nice not being there alone.”

  He smiled. “I’ll never forget it.”

  I looked down at the picture and tore one of them off for him. “Here. I don’t need all of them. You can keep this for when she’s born and compare it.”

  He stuck it in his pocket and smiled. I waved goodbye before pulling out.

  Sarah was at her door waiting to hear the news. I walked up and handed her one of the sonogram pictures. “Oh my goodness! A girl? That’s wonderful!”

  “I know.”

  “I heard Bobby went in my place. How did that go?” She asked as we walked inside.

  “You’re trying to set me up, aren’t you?” I wasn’t born yesterday and he was clearly being coaxed.

  “Maybe. Just go out on one date. It won’t hurt you. We’re all friends, right?”

  I played with her placemats. “Yeah, I guess. I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. I mean, I’m not ready to start dating, especially now that I’m pregnant. It wouldn’t be fair to him.”

  “Katy, Bobby likes you. He doesn’t care if you’re pregnant. Besides, what do you have to lose? Nobody is going to judge you. At some point you’re going to have to let go, if you ever want to truly move on.”

  She was right, but it was still too soon for me to consider. I knew that life was over, but I wasn’t ready to completely move forward, almost as if I needed to punish myself some more before I could be able to do that.

  Once we’d celebrated with a big glass of apple juice, I headed to my trailer and hung the picture on my refrigerator. I lay down on my couch and started thinking about names that would be suitable for a beautiful little girl.

  I closed my eyes and dreamed of her running in a field of daisies, with her father’s crystal blue eyes looking back at me. Her hair was light brown like his and when she smiled she made the sun get brighter. I grabbed her hands and spun her around, feeling the same love that Brooks had shown me, radiating through her.

  I woke up in tears, imagining him never knowing she existed. It broke my heart, but I knew he was in another country, risking his life and wishing he’d never known me. The fact that I’d chose to leave him severed any chance of me getting another chance. The last thing that family wanted was to hear I was carrying a Valentine child. Then I feared that if they did find out, they’d try to take her from me and I couldn’t ever let that happen.

  Chapter 16

  May 2011

  Due to my having to stand so much, I was ordered by my doctor to stop working at the restaurant. I was worried that my boss would flip out. Instead, she looked a bit relieved.

  After the first week of being home with nothing to do, I decided to make a phone call, to let an old friend know that I was doing alright. Of course, I had no intention of telling her I was with child.

  The number to Melissa rang five times before she answered it, and when she did she was giggling uncontrollably. “Hello?”

  “Melissa, it’s me, Katy. How are you?”

  Even through the phone I could sense that she was shocked to hear from me. “Katy, oh my God.” She put her hand over the phone so I couldn’t hear her asking whoever she was with to give her a second. “Sorry, I have company and didn’t want to be disturbed. So, how are you? Where are you? You told me you were going to call me once a month. What happened?”

  I let out an air-filled sigh and looked down at my belly. I had so many reasons why I hadn’t kept in touch. “I’ve just been busy. Starting over can be a little overwhelming at times. So tell me, how are you? Did you finish school?”

  She hesitated to answer. “School is over, finally. I’ve started job hunting, which isn’t going very well. I moved into a new apartment and happened to get a new boyfriend in the shuffle of it all.”

  “That’s awesome.” I was so happy for her. “Anyone I know?”

  “No!” she answered quickly. “You don’t know him at all.”

  It was weird how defensive she was, but I wondered if it was because of my actions the day I left town. Maybe she thought I had a habit of sleeping with men that I wasn’t engaged to.
“Wow, it’s been a long time coming. You did so good not settling down so you could keep your focus on school. Had I done that, I wouldn’t have had to give up everything.”

  I could hear her moving around as she spoke. “So tell me, where exactly are you?”

  Of all the questions she could be asking me, she wanted to know my exact location. I felt reluctant about it, like she was fishing. “Florida. I’m living in Florida now and I have a roommate. Her name is Sarah,” I kept going with the lies. “I work at a large manufacturer of oranges. It’s nothing fancy, but it pays the bills.”

  “So, you’re doing okay for yourself?”

  “Yeah. I am.” I rubbed my stomach and smiled. “I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’ve got a lot to look forward to and good people around me that have helped me tremendously.”

  “Good for you.”

  The line got quiet and I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to chat about everything under the sun. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to call, Mel. I know you’re probably mad at me.”

  Finally, she seemed to calm down. “It’s fine. I guess I just expected something. For all these months I didn’t even know if you were alive. It’s really good to hear your voice. Is this your number? Do you mind if I keep it?”

  I got excited thinking that enough time had gone by that she could keep my number. “Yes, of course. Call me whenever you want.”

  “Great. Listen, I’ve got to run out, but you take care of yourself and keep in touch.”

  “I will. Talk to you again soon.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  When I hung up I napped for the rest of the afternoon. The windows were all open and a cool spring breeze was coming inside. South Carolina was such an amazing place to live and I was somehow glad that I’d lied to Melissa about where I’d settled down at. Something about that call made me feel very uneasy. I wondered if maybe she’s promised Branch to tell him if I was ever in contact with her again.

  When I finally woke, feeling well rested, I found Sarah outside hanging up some clean clothes on the line. They smelled like fabric softener and bleach and I loved how it was the first thing that popped in my nose when I walked out my door.