Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  Bobby had sacrificed so much to be with me. In the beginning he hadn’t expected much, but since I’d offered it, and then rejected him, it had done something to the man. He’d changed.

  I knew he’d come into the kitchen, because I could see him out of the corner of my eye. “What’s up?”

  “I was wonderin’ if after the party you and me could talk.”

  I shrugged and kept writing on my daughter’s cake. “I guess. What do you want to talk about?”

  “I miss you, Katy. I miss you and B so much. I know I’ve been a bastard to you, but I’ve been in therapy, and I’m doin’ good. I want our family back.”

  I looked up at him, astonished he would have the balls to ask me for another chance. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You said you changed before and we both know how that turned out.”

  He got down on his knee and I remembered the last time he’d been in that same position in this very kitchen. “Please. I’m not askin’ you to move right back in. I just want to be around you. It’s been Hell bein’ at the house by myself every night. I miss you bein’ with me and the way it felt to wake up next to you. I just wish you could understand what it was like to love you so much. I wish you could be in my shoes and know how hard it’s been, day after day wantin’ you to feel somethin’ that ain’t never goin’ to happen.”

  I sat the cake decorator down. “Can we please discuss this after the party? Now is not the time or place.”

  He sighed and got back up off the floor. “Yeah. Sorry.”

  I watched him walk out of the kitchen and heard him lighten up when he got close to the baby.

  Did I feel sad for him?

  Of course I did.

  He’d been with me for my whole pregnancy and held my hand when she was born. He’d gotten up with her at night and she was always the one thing that could bring a smile to his face. Imagining him at home in that house all alone must have been torturous.

  It was a good thing that Sarah came in to break my salty mood. We carried everything outside and sat the kids at the picnic table, while Dave and Bobby started to cook on the grill.

  B had climbed down and was playing with their old dog. She’d pull his ears and he wouldn’t even make a sound. The more she did it, the less he paid any attention to her.

  I swooped her up and spun her around, getting a kick out of her laughing. When I sat her down, she looked drunk and fell down on the ground. “B, are you ready to eat?”

  “Apple.”

  Everything that was edible was called an apple. After attaching the chair to the edge of the picnic table, I sat her down and gave her tiny pieces of hot dog. She grabbed them up into both of her hands and started shoveling them in her mouth.

  Then I spooned some macaroni and cheese onto her tray and watched her smile. “Is that your favorite, sweet girl?”

  B clapped and hot dog particles flung all over my face.

  When I knew she was content with her food, I made myself a plate and sat across from Bobby, who was already stuffing a burger into his mouth. I couldn’t help but notice him watching me, reminding me that I’d broken his heart. He didn’t understand that mine was also in the same shape.

  I wanted to be able to count on him, because after everything I’d been through, he’d given me hope. Instead, after he’d hit me three separate times, I was left with scars that would never heal; the internal kind.

  I wanted to forgive him, because inside of that angry man was someone that could be gentle and adoring.

  My little Brooklyn took her time digging into the cake, at first. Then she let her face fall in it. I recorded the whole thing and knew that once she was older I’d play it back and remember how cute she was.

  Her first year had gone by so fast and I was blessed to have such a healthy, well behaved baby. Now that she was starting to walk around, I had a bunch of obstacles. The first priority was getting the trailer baby-proofed. She’d started putting everything in her mouth and one of the newest things she was doing was sticking her fingers in any openings she could find.

  B fell asleep at the table. I had to wake her up to get her clothes off and wash her, but she fell back asleep without a fight. Sarah helped me do all the dishes and put the extra food away, while the guys stayed outside watching the kids.

  “So, Dave told me Bobby’s really been tryin’.”

  I dried a dish and put it away. “Yeah, he is. He asked me if we could talk tonight. I told him it was alright.”

  Sarah stopped washing the dishes. She turned around to face me. “My dad seems to think the therapy is helpin’.”

  I shot her a dirty look. “Isn’t that supposed to be private?”

  She smiled and tried to look innocent. “Well, we’ve known him for years. I wanted to be sure he wasn’t a danger to himself.” She grabbed my hands. “Katy, I think you should give him another chance. He’s working really hard at getting better and we’ve never seen him so upset before. I’m not sayin’ that you should move right back in, but maybe you could take things slow. Go to a few anger management meetings with him. Show him that you still care.”

  I covered my face with my hands, feeling frustrated and cornered. “I can’t give him what he wants. We all know that.”

  She motioned around the room. “Katy, look around you, darlin’. Brooks isn’t here and he’s never goin’ to be. You have a man that loves you and your daughter. Isn’t it worth it to try and save the family that you have right now? After all you’ve been through, wouldn’t it be nice knowin’ you’re not alone?”

  I hated that she was trying to make me feel sorrier for Bobby, so I finished our conversation by saying goodnight to her.

  Within minutes Bobby was coming inside and sitting across from me in the kitchen. He was just as handsome as he’d ever been and it hurt me more knowing how wonderful he was when his head was on straight. “I want to go to a meeting with you. Can we arrange that?”

  He perked up. “Does that mean there’s a chance that we could get back together?”

  I placed my hands flat on the table and took a couple deep breaths. “I’m not making any promises. I think we should take it day by day and see how it goes.” I looked down at his hands and saw his wedding ring. He was swirling it around like he was nervous. “Bobby, we never should have got married when we did. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful, but rushing into it hurt us. Now we have this mess that we have to clean up before anything can be settled.”

  He was starting to cry. I reached over and put my hands in his. “We both made mistakes.”

  “I’ve hurt you. I know that.”

  “One day at a time, Bobby. Okay?”

  He smiled and agreed.

  By no means was I inviting him back into my bed any time soon, but I was willing to mend fences to see if he’d changed, and if there was a way that we could get past it.

  Chapter 21

  November 2012

  I was doing good, standing on my own two feet and not letting Bobby’s guilt trips get the best of me. Though he still tried to make amends, I’d come to the conclusion that I didn’t really want to take the chance of him hurting me again.

  Then it all changed.

  It wasn’t long after our little heart to heart that things went awry.

  I got the call at nine in the morning from his shop cashier. She worked three days a week for him, and if she wasn’t there, I don’t know how long he would have been stuck with no one to call for help.

  Bobby was working on an oil change for one of our neighbors. On the mornings that he would do things like that, he’d pick up their cars and leave his truck for them to use.

  Sally, the cashier called, speaking so frantically that I couldn’t understand what she was saying. “Bobby’s gone to the hospital in an ambulance. It’s so bad. You have to go there, right now!”

  In complete worry, I grabbed my keys, left B with Sarah and drove as fast as I could. Again, with Sally’s vague details, I had no idea how injured he was or what coul
d have possibly happened. My worst fear was that he’d spilled some kind of flammable chemical on himself.

  When I arrived at the hospital, I found out that one of the lifts in the shop had malfunctioned. While he was under the car, it collapsed. He managed to try and move out of the way, but landed on his side and had both of his legs crushed in the process.

  I was told that he was sedated due to the extreme amount of pain he was in, so I wasn’t going to be able to have a conversation with him to find out more details, like if I needed to contact the insurance agency for the business.

  Bobby was casted from his chest and then down both legs. They had his lower body elevated, I assume to prevent clots. He looked terrible and I felt horrible for what had happened to him.

  Since he was in the intensive care, he was only allowed one visitor and I knew I couldn’t leave him there by himself. I had to be at his side to let him know that I cared.

  Because I did care.

  Bobby’s anger problems didn’t change the fact that he’d taken care of me for so long. He’d provided comfort when I felt all alone. I needed to give that back to him, for as long as it took.

  He was released two weeks later, in which I’d already moved his things into my place, since it was easier for Dave to come over and help me with getting him up. Bobby wasn’t happy about not being in his own home, but I think once he realized that we’d be living together, he never said another word about it.

  B was happy to see him all of the time, even though she didn’t understand that his boo boo couldn’t get better from a simple kiss.

  Bobby would have a long road ahead of him to rehabilitate and the doctors had already scheduled him for his first surgery, requiring a rod to be placed in his back.

  The shop closed for three weeks before the insurance company could deem it safe. Thankfully, his employees could work even if he wasn’t around, so once they’d reopened he’d still get a check to pay some of his bills.

  In the meantime, I kept the construction going on my new house, including ramps for Bobby’s wheelchair. They’d be temporary until he would no longer need them.

  I know it was wrong to think it, but I knew he couldn’t hurt me if he was helpless. It was game changing, giving me that last push to let him back into our lives.

  I’d always believed that things happened for a reason. Bobby getting hurt was as if someone was telling me that we needed to stay together.

  By Christmas Bobby was mobile in only a wheelchair. He spent a lot of his time propped up in bed and had lost twenty pounds since his accident. On most days he was in good spirits, considering that he could have lost his life.

  He liked to read and play with B. She enjoyed pointing to pictures and having someone tell her what it was.

  Things were good for us.

  I don’t know what made me do it, but I made a call without thinking it through, not knowing that it would set things into motion that could change everything.

  I’d been thinking about Melissa and how I’d missed her. Since I was at a good place in my life, I felt that it was finally alright to reach out to her.

  “Hello.”

  “Merry Christmas, stranger.”

  “Katy? How are you?” She seemed happier to hear from me this time.

  “I’m doing well. How are you?”

  “Actually, I’m really good. I got engaged last night.”

  “Are you kidding me? That’s amazing. Congratulations.”

  “Yeah. I wasn’t expecting it.” I could hear the excitement in her voice.

  “So, who’s the lucky guy? Do I know him?”

  The line got quiet.

  “Mel, are you there?”

  “Katy, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  All I could think of was that something happened to Brooks and she’d somehow heard about it. “What is it?” I needed to know immediately.

  “I’m engaged to Branch.”

  Biting my tongue was the best response, considering I was literally speechless.

  “Katy, say something.”

  “What do you expect me to say?”

  “Say you don’t hate me. I didn’t go after him, if that’s what you’re thinking. He was upset and I missed you. It just happened.”

  “What? How long has this been going on?” Suddenly I was curious.

  “About a month after you left.” She started to cry on the other end of the phone. “That’s why I probably sounded short last time. He was standing next to me and I didn’t know what to say.”

  Hearing her stating that Branch, who’d always loved me, was with her, made me cringe. It wasn’t because I wanted him. I hated that both of them would hook up. She knew what I’d gone through and what he did to keep me from Brooks. How could she think he would be good to her? “As long as you’re happy, I guess that’s all that matters.”

  “Katy, I miss you. Please say you don’t hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you, Mel. I’m shocked, but I don’t hate you.”

  The line got quiet.

  She was sobbing on the other line. “I feel horrible now.”

  “Does Brooks know?” I had to change the subject.

  “They don’t speak. I sent him a Christmas card from us, but he never responded.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Honestly, I have no idea. He hasn’t come home and Branch doesn’t think he will.”

  I was shaking, feeling my teeth chattering as I closed my eyes and thought about Brooks. I couldn’t be mad at Melissa, especially after I’d had Brooks’ child and kept it from everyone. I was the awful person. “Mel, can I have his address?”

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea? It could make things worse.”

  Tears rolled down my eyes imagining him all alone, while I was shacked up raising his child with someone else. “Please, just give it to me.”

  I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down the long international address and then I hung up with Mel. I didn’t know if I’d ever call her again; not because I was jealous, but because I felt betrayed by everyone in my life.

  I stared at the address for two days before throwing it in the trash. Reaching out to him would only make me feel worse.

  Then B came walking into the room with the television remote. I know it was silly, but she flipped the channel and held onto the volume button. I rushed into the living room to turn it down before it could wake up Bobby.

  On the screen was an interview from an army cadet that was stationed in Afghanistan. I looked from my daughter and back to the television. She was reaching for the remote again and started to get mad.

  I knelt down in front of her and started to tear up. “I can’t keep lying to myself can I, B? Mommy needs to do the right thing, doesn’t she?”

  She reached for my face. “Mama.”

  I went through two bags of trash before I found the paper with his address and then I sat there staring at it again.

  Finally, the next night after dinner and putting B to bed, I sat at the kitchen table and started writing. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but knew the words would find me.

  I had to close that chapter of my life and so did Brooks. Life was too short to be miserable. I wanted him to be happy, no matter where his future took him.

  Dear Brooks,

  I hope this letter finds you in good health. I know it’s been a long time and you may not even want to hear from me. I don’t blame you for hating me. I hate myself for what I did to you.

  I walked away from everything because I wasn’t willing to fight. I was a coward.

  I’m not writing this letter to beg you for forgiveness. I don’t deserve that. I’m writing to you because I know it’s time to move on. I’ve held onto some crazy idea that one day you’ll be back in my life again.

  So, that brings me to the reason that I’m writing you this letter.

  Tell me that I shouldn’t hold onto you.

  Tell me we’re definitely over, so that I can finally let go.

&nb
sp; Katy

  After leaving my number and my new address, I sealed it up.

  It took me a week to get the courage to mail it and then I played the waiting game. Nearly a month went by and I hadn’t gotten a reply, but I also hadn’t moved into the new place yet.

  I was beginning to give up hope until I stopped by the new construction site and happened to be there when the mail man was driving by.

  He pulled into the messy driveway and started walking toward me “Excuse me. Are you the owner of this property?”

  I nodded. “Yes.” I reached out my hand and shook his. “I’m Katy Parsons.”

  He looked down at an envelope and seemed confused. “Parsons? Did you ever go by another name?”

  “Michaels. What’s this about?” I knew what it was, because I hadn’t given anyone else my new address. I’d been meaning to buy a new mailbox, but it hadn’t been first on my priority list.

  He handed the envelope to me. “I’ve got these two letters for you, but since you didn’t have a mailbox I was about to send them back. If you’re goin’ to be receiving mail here, I’d advise you to get a box out at the road. Otherwise, I’ll have to return it undelivered.”

  I watched him leave before looking down at the envelope.

  All I could do was stand there staring at the postage. There was no return address, but it didn’t need to be. I only knew one person in Afghanistan and that is where it had been postmarked.

  With shaky hands and tear-filled eyes, I opened up the first envelope and pulled out a hand written letter.

  Dear Kat,

  I hope this letter finds you.

  I considered not writing you and letting it be, but I’ve kept things bottled up for so long and I don’t know where to begin.

  I’ll start by asking you the one question that has been on my mind for two years now. Why did you run?

  Please tell me it wasn’t because you regretted being with me. Still, to this day, nothing has ever compared to feeling you in my arms that night.

  My life hasn’t been easy the past two years. I’ve seen things that I wish I could wipe out of my memory and just when I think it can’t get any worse, I see something even more devastating. I’ve seen children slaughtered and fathers being shot by their own sons and brothers.