Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  All I knew was that Brooks and Bobby made making love a satisfying experience, where Branch lacked the ability to satisfy anyone other than himself. If Melissa was okay with that, then it was her loss, not mine.

  Bobby turned to look at me with a big smile on his face. We’d been making love almost every night, hoping that one of those encounters had given us the miracle we desired. I was becoming so content with him and our life together, knowing that if he was all I had for the rest of my life, it would be enough. Given the chance, he’d proven to be exactly who I needed him to be.

  A father.

  A husband.

  A friend.

  Just as I turned back toward the parade, I noticed the soldiers and veterans marching by. Then, on a float, were a bunch of disabled vets that had been injured fighting for our country. The crowd got loud with applause to honor the beautiful men that had risked their lives for the love of American. I got butterflies, hearing the amount of people cheering them on and filling them with such a respectful salute. My heart was heavy as I watched each of them passing by us.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw B waving to them, as if she somehow remembered waving to them in the car a while back. She was dressed in her red, white and blue outfit, with two curly pigtails in her hair. Out of every child there, I swore she was most beautiful.

  As I turned to look up, my mind started playing tricks on me. I swore that a soldier in fatigues looked just like Brooks. He was sitting in the back of army vehicle with a bunch of other soldiers. It was too fast to make a distinction and he was wearing a hat, so I knew I’d been imagining it. It still didn’t make me feel any better. As much as I tried to block it out, there were reminders all around me that would never go away.

  After the parade, we retreated to the area where the food stands had been set up. Bobby insisted on standing in line and getting a funnel cake to share with B and me. I was reluctant for the reason that I knew she’d be covered in powdered sugar and ruin her pretty clothes, but her dad said all he cared about was her having fun and being happy. What makes a child happier than a handful of sugar?

  While we were standing there, I looked around the crowd for people that we knew from town and from church. Everyone was in attendance, and even though our town was small, it was still a huge crowd that came from all around to celebrate.

  From a distance I spotted the military truck and the soldiers climbing out of it. I squinted my eyes and attempted to focus enough to spot the guy that reminded me of Brooks.

  I followed the group of them walking through the crowds of people and tried to single out each of their faces. From far away they all looked the same, unless they were a different race.

  We moved up in our line and my view of them became restricted. I felt like I had to keep looking, as if seeing this guy would reassure me that I was acting and being crazy again. I knew it wasn’t Brooks, but I had to see it for myself.

  When four of them came back into view they were getting closer. I caught eyes with each one and didn’t see the guy that had gotten me so worked up.

  By the time we got served our drink and dessert, the men had walked by and I was left with disappointment.

  We found a spot in the grass and sat down so that our food would cool and B would be comfortable. She played in the grass, picking some and tossing it in the air. A group of balloons had gotten loose and were rising in the blue sky above us. B stood up and pointed to them. When they got up higher, she went running into the crowd of people. I stood up and ran after her, knowing she was going to get knocked down by someone that didn’t see her coming. I could hear Bobby saying something behind me when I caught up to her and snatched her up in my arms. While hugging her and explaining that she couldn’t do that again, I spotted the soldier that I’d been looking for. He had a sling on his arm. From the side he looked so much like Brooks, but with short hair and a hat, anyone could look similar. I smiled and turned to see Bobby coming and reaching for B, and when he grabbed her I flipped my hair and looked over one more time, hoping to see the face of the Brooks look alike.

  That’s when everything went very wrong very fast.

  The guy turned, enough for me to see his face and the resemblance was uncanny. He was still far enough away and I knew part of it was because I wanted it to be him so much.

  I finally caught eyes with him and felt myself getting dizzy. The next thing I knew I was lying down on the grass with a bunch of people around me. I sat up quickly, looking out frantically for the soldier, but he wasn’t anywhere around me.

  This was the second year in a row that I’d passed out over seeing a soldier. I seriously needed mental help.

  “Katy, are you alright, darlin’? You passed out?”

  I nodded and looked over to see him holding B’s hand. “I don’t know what happened.” I lied.

  The truth was that I’d gotten myself so worked up that I made myself believe that Brooks was not only alive, but in the same small town as me, walking around as if nothing had happened.

  “Do you want to go home?”

  I felt horrible and going home would have been the best medicine, except I wanted B to see the fireworks. “No. I’ll be fine. I didn’t eat all day and I felt dizzy.”

  Bobby took B and went to get me something to eat, while I sat under a tree feeling like an idiot.

  Sarah came running up, seeing if I was alright. “Girl, what happened to you? Bobby said you collapsed. Are you feelin’ alright? Do you think you’re pregnant?”

  “No. I’m not pregnant. I just got my period yesterday.”

  “What is it then? Were you feelin’ bad? Do you think it’s the heat?”

  It was pretty hot out, but I knew that the weather wasn’t the reason for me losing my head again. “No. I think I’m just going crazy. Sarah, I could have sworn I saw Brooks. I know it wasn’t him and that he’s gone, but I swear it was him.” I started to get upset. “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let go? Every time I feel like I’m doing good, something brings me right back down.”

  She wrapped her arms around me. “Healin’ takes time, Katy. You of all people should know that. Sometimes, you need to take a deep breath and thank God for all the things you do have in your life.” She pointed to Bobby and B. “You’ve got two people right there that love you to pieces. Maybe instead of dwelling on the things you can’t change, you could focus on the beautiful life you already have.”

  I smiled at her. “I do love them, you know. Bobby’s been my knight in shining armor. Without him I don’t know where I’d be.”

  She patted me on the leg. “I’m glad you gave him another chance. He seems real happy.”

  I looked up and saw them walking toward me. Bobby smiled and I did too. “We both are.”

  They sat down beside me and B had an ice cream that she was licking. “More chocolate?”

  Bobby kissed me on the cheek. “Anything for my girl.”

  He handed me a sandwich and opened one for himself. Sarah stood up as I bit into mine and savored the pit beef and barbeque sauce.

  “I’ll see you all later. Dave’s over there buyin’ the kids sparklers. I just know it's a terrible idea, but you know how men are. They've always got to be the ones to buy kids dangerous things, like pellet guns and things that require bein' lit on fire.”

  We waved goodbye and I turned my attention back to Bobby. He reached over and wiped the sauce off of my face. “You feelin’ better?”

  I smiled. “Everything’s better when you’re with me.”

  I meant it too.

  Everything was better.

  Chapter 26

  July 6th, 2013

  It had been months since I’d gotten my last letter from Brooks, and I was so sure that there wouldn’t be any more, but two days after my episode at the celebration, I was staring at a letter in my mailbox that had been postmarked in February.

  I felt nauseous.

  When I headed inside, and checked on my sleeping daughter, I sat down at the kit
chen table staring at it, as if it was my mind playing tricks on me again. How, after all this time had something gotten lost in the shuffle and then reappeared when I was trying so hard to move forward.

  Even without opening it, the damage was already apparent. I couldn’t sit there and lie to myself. Assuming that it had gotten lost, why would the Lord be so hard on me? Was I really that bad of a person that I needed to be reminded everywhere I turned that Brooks was dead and he wasn’t coming back? Was it some sign that I was on the wrong path in life? Did God or my parents from up above somehow have other plans for me besides my life with Bobby?

  Whatever the case was, I knew that opening the letter was going to destroy any progress that I’d made.

  An hour had passed and I was still sitting there, avoiding the tears and doing my breathing exercises. As I looked over at the clock a second time, I was sure that I needed to get up and leave the note intact.

  To say that I went about my day as if nothing had happened would have been a lie. No matter what I was doing, I was thinking about that envelope and what could be inside. After hours of trying to reason with myself, I was sitting back down at the table, staring at it again.

  My hands were shaking and my entire body felt cold. It was a terrible decision, albeit I was making it anyway, on account of having to know what it said. My heart yearned for one more acknowledgement of his love for me.

  I tore open the envelope and started unfolding the paper. After closing my eyes and giving myself a few minutes to relax, I opened them again.

  The first thing I noticed was that it wasn’t his handwriting.

  Dear Kat,

  Sorry it’s been a couple weeks since I wrote you and I know you’re probably wondering why my handwriting sucks so bad. I will first start by saying that I’m alright. You can stop worrying about me.

  My left hand, the trusty one that I’ve done everything with my whole life, is out of commission.

  It was a late night call and none of us had gotten much sleep. My lieutenant had us running into building that had been attacked, retrieving any living bodies we could find. I came across this father, holding a little girl tight in his arms. As I approached, I realized that he’d shielded the impact and lost his life protecting her.

  After prying her out of his rigged hold, she started to scream, as if I was there to harm her. Everything happened so fast after that. I started running, holding her in one arm and my gun with the other. I got to the corner of the building when I heard the grenade being thrown. The only problem was that it was so dark I couldn’t see the direction that it had rolled. Knowing that any second it was going to blow, I threw myself over her, blocking her with my arm and hands from injury.

  The impact was insane, shoving shards of metal and debris into my arm. I could smell my flesh burning, but knew saving her was still a top priority.

  Then my body gave out on me; unable to withstand the amount of pain I was under any longer. I collapsed out on the road, with the girl still in my arms.

  When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I had no recollection of the day it was, or how I’d gotten there. One thing I did know was that my hand and arm was casted and I had no feeling in my fingertips.

  I found out that I suffered from a concussion and messed up my arm pretty bad. They think it will get better, but for now, I can’t perform my Ranger duties.

  So, that’s the bad news.

  Now for the good.

  Katy, I hope you’re sitting down.

  I’m coming home.

  Well, not exactly home. I’ve been re-assigned to a new base and you’re never going to guess where.

  Fort Jackson.

  I can imagine that you’re probably in tears and wondering how long you have to wait to see my handsome face again. It’s going to be soon, but I’m not exactly sure when they’ll give me the go-ahead. It’s just a bunch of ridiculous paperwork really.

  At some point I’m sure I will have to have surgery in Bethesda at Walter Reid, so that will be a joy. Seeing the family hasn’t been the highest of my priorities.

  None of that matters right now.

  My temporary profile for now will allow me to assist with combat training and since it’s what I do best, I know I’ll enjoy it.

  So, I want you to know, I’m coming home for you, Katy. We’re going to start over and be together. This time there won’t be anything standing in our way. We can make our own lives now.

  I can’t tell you how excited I am to hold you in my arms. I feel like it’s been forever.

  I’ll let you know when I’m in town, by probably stopping by unannounced to surprise the hell out of you. Be on the lookout for me.

  I love you so much.

  See you soon,

  Brooks

  There were no words.

  I couldn’t move.

  It wasn’t possible.

  He couldn’t be alive?

  With no regard for anything else going on in my life, I grabbed my phone and dialed a number that I never thought I’d ever be calling again. I didn’t even know if he’d still have the same number, but I had to try. I had to know the truth and didn’t want to upset Danica if it was all a mistake.

  “Hello?”

  I recognized it, even after all the time that has passed. “Branch, it’s me, Katy.”

  “Katy? Wow.” He cleared his throat, as if I’d left him speechless. “Are you okay? Is it Brooks?”

  Hearing him ask that answered the burning question. I had to still ask. “He’s okay?”

  Branch seemed confused. “I have no idea if he’s alright. We don’t exactly speak you know.”

  “I called a while back and Mel…”

  He interrupted. “She started to tell you he’d gotten hurt and you hung up on her. When she tried to call you back, you wouldn’t answer. What happened? Are you in some kind of trouble? Did my brother run out on you or something? I know you’re together now. It’s no secret why he purposely got stationed so far away. We could all guess the reason.”

  I was already crying. “No. I’m fine. I think I just got confused. I need to go.”

  “Katy, wait! Mom and Dad miss you. Hell, even I miss you. You should come home in September. We all still visit the graves on the anniversary. You not being there makes it even harder.”

  “Branch, I wish it were that simple. I have a life here.”

  “Just think about it. It would make my mom’s year if you called her or came to visit. She loves you so much.”

  “I left you at the alter after sleeping with your brother. How could you say she loves me?”

  Branch chuckled. “Katy, I’m in a good place now. You were supposed to be with Brooks. I let my jealousy control my life back then. Now I lost my best friends because of it. You leaving didn’t just hurt us. It ripped us apart.”

  “I have to go, Branch.” I hung up the phone knowing that I couldn’t get into a deep conversation with him until I found out where Brooks was and why I hadn’t seen him yet.

  Then it hit me.

  I thought about the man in the conspicuous truck outside and how it appeared like I was being watched.

  After looking in the phone book, I called the sheriff’s office and left him a message to call back.

  Ten minutes later, I had him on the phone. “Mrs. Parsons. Is your visitor back, because he assured me that he wouldn’t be bothering you or your husband anymore? I’d like to think that a soldier is good on his word.”

  My mouth dropped.

  Another confirmation.

  “Soldier? Did you happen to catch his name?”

  “Let me see if I can remember. It was a weird one, like his parents were hippies or somethin’. Thorne, Storm, or maybe it was Brooks? I know his last name was Valentine. Sergeant Valentine. Do you recognize it?”

  I was shaking so badly that I wondered if he could hear my teeth chattering. “No. Thank you for your time.”

  I hung up before he could start asking me questions.

  I closed my
eyes and tried to think about everything for the past few months. I thought about all of the times that the little truck had been parked outside and why he hadn’t contacted me.

  That’s when I think I knew the reason and I understood why he’d never talked to me again.

  He’d seen Bobby and maybe even B. He’d seen the name on my mailbox and realized that I was married.

  I covered my face with my hands and bawled like I’d never cried before in my life. Not only was Brooks alive, but I’d broken his heart again and not even realized it.

  How could I have been such a fool?

  For that matter, how in the hell was I going to even explain it to him?

  When I heard Bobby’s truck pulling in the driveway, I wiped off my face and stuck the note under our mattress. He was going to notice that I hadn’t done anything all day, so I got under the covers and pretended to be resting.

  He came in and kissed me on the forehead. “Hey, babe. Are you sick? I could have come home early.”

  I pretended to have just woken up and rubbed my eyes. “I don’t feel good. I thought if I took a nap I’d feel better.”

  He sat down on the bed and pulled me into a hug. “I’ll make you some soup and have leftovers. B can share with me.”

  He got up and walked out of the room, leaving me to sulk in my web of guilt. I had so many emotions running through me that I knew I was about to lose my mind. I had to get control over myself until I could figure out what to do and how to reach out to Brooks. After all the time that had passed, he had to know that I was sorry. It wasn’t just that. After thinking that he’d died there was a part of me that needed reassurance that I wasn’t just dreaming all of this up. I had to know for sure that he was real and he was living close to me.

  It was difficult not putting on shoes and getting into my car until I found him. He deserved answers and I knew he at least had questions. I needed to know how much of my life he’d put together and if he even suspected that B was his child.

  Waiting until Bobby went to work the next day was going to be impossible, but it had to be done. Until I knew what was happening, I had to keep it a secret. My sanity, as well as my child’s well being was at stake and there was nothing that I wouldn’t do to make sure she always came first.