Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  Was he being cocky?

  I couldn’t tell.

  B ran by, carrying on with a little boy her age. I smiled, thinking about it reminded me of Brooks. “Do you remember how I used to follow you like that?”

  “I remember chasing you.”

  I knew he was waiting for me to answer, albeit I couldn’t bring myself to.

  “Kat, all of this feels like some sort of out of body experience to me. I’ve got a two-year-old daughter and you’re married to someone else. I feel like at any second I’m going to wake up and it will have all been a wonderful dream.”

  I finally looked into those baby blues. “It’s real. I’ve been living this life for almost three years now. I can assure you that you’re not going to wake up.”

  He leaned in close to me, so nobody else could hear us. “Then I just need to know one thing.”

  “What?”

  “You’re not going to like it. It’s just really been bothering me.”

  “Say it.” Our conversation wouldn’t go anywhere if he didn’t spit it out.

  “Did you ever consider having an abortion?” He threw his hands up before I could scream at him. “I’m asking because you were all alone. You knew I wasn’t coming home for years and that you’d have to raise the child yourself. I keep trying to make sense of everything. I won’t be mad if you did. Looking at what we made was the most fulfilling kind of feelings I’ve ever experienced, but I get that you were alone and scared. So tell me, Kat. How did you know you were going to be okay?”

  My answer was simple. I didn’t even need to think about it. “I never considered terminating the pregnancy, Brooks.” I looked over at our daughter who was still smiling and enjoying her day. “Because no matter where you were, I knew I had a piece of you growing inside of me. Giving that up was never a question.” I looked right at him, finally able to face my fears and be honest. “That night we spent together in that hotel room was the second best night of my life.”

  I could tell that I’d affected him. “What was your first?”

  “The day I gave birth to your daughter.”

  Brooks closed his eyes and leaned his head down. His hand reached over and touched my knee. He squeezed it and kept it placed there. “I can’t stop loving you, Kat,” he whispered.

  It took my breath away and I think he knew it too. He finally looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back, unable to respond. Those words, those heart pounding five words echoed in my mind.

  I couldn’t say it back, because giving Brooks my heart meant I was shattering Bobby’s, the man who’d taken care of me and B. I couldn’t do that to him.

  Chapter 32

  For the rest of the time we were at the indoor play park Brooks didn’t ask me anything too concerning. He wanted to know about life, jobs I’d had and where I’d lived. He asked me about my friends and told me about some of his.

  We took B out for dinner to get her chicken nuggets and fries. I knew we’d been out a while, but I couldn’t get enough of seeing the two of them together. Every once in a while I’d catch eyes with Brooks and get those waves of excitement. If that wasn’t bad enough, it seemed like he wanted to get a rise out of me.

  After a couple hours of talking, it felt like our friendship was back intact. We had a bunch of issues to overcome, but our bond was still there. B starting yawning halfway through her meal. I knew our day was going to come to an end soon and it hurt knowing that we’d have to say goodbye.

  Brooks picked up the check for our food, insisting that he somehow owed me so much more. I’d never expected, nor would I ever ask him for child support. We’d share responsibilities for our daughter, even if we weren’t ever together as a couple.

  Once we paid and got in the car, it only took B five minutes to fall asleep. Brooks had offered to drive to give me break, even though he was the one that hadn’t slept. We’d been driving for a good ten minutes before he pulled over in a gas station parking lot. When he didn’t get out, I knew he had something to say. “What is it?”

  Brooks turned to look at me. He wasn’t crying and didn’t seem upset, but something was off. “You know, I kept your letters, even after I moved back home and found out you had a family. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t come to terms with throwing them away, because it felt like I was throwing away our love.” He looked directly into my eyes and brushed the back of his hand over my cheek. I closed my eyes when he did it. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling Kat, but when I’m with you, I feel like nothing has changed between us. Now we have a little girl. I mean, Jesus Christ, we made a baby together. She’s so freaking perfect, too. I look at her and I see both of us. I can’t be angry with you, because all I wanted for so long was to be a part of your life again. I get that you’re married and he makes you happy. I can respect that. I won’t push or ask you for something that you can’t give me, but I have to know the truth. I have to know if what you said to me in all those letters was true. Do I still have your heart, or did you already give it to someone else? When you look at me do you see me as a threat or is it something entirely different? Kat, I can’t see you every single day and not want to touch you. It’s been one and I’m already freaking out, because I’m having to take you home. Just tell me to back off.”

  I reached over and touched his injured arm. He looked at me and I leaned in closer. I could feel his breath on my face and a hint of his cologne. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband, or say things that would cause more harm than good.

  It had been twenty-four hours since Brooks came back into my life and in that time I’d experienced every kind of emotion. I was mentally and physically drained and he was too.

  We were so close.

  My eyes started to close, as if I was letting myself fall from a high building. He wanted to know and I had to tell him. “I’m not afraid of you Brooks. I know you’d never hurt me. You love her already, I can see it in your eyes. I’ve watched you holding her and falling for her. Somehow she already knows you’re special.”

  “You’re avoiding my question.”

  “You don’t want the truth.”

  He looked away, assuming the truth was that I didn’t want him. “I think you just said it.”

  He pulled out of the parking lot and headed in the direction of my house. Every couple of seconds he would clench his jaw, meaning he was holding his tongue from saying something he would regret. Sometimes I hated that I knew him so well.

  When we turned onto the road where my house was on, he finally decided to address our upcoming schedule. “So tomorrow, can I come by the same time?”

  “Yeah. It’s Sunday. We usually go to church, but we’re back before one. You can come over anytime after that.”

  “And you’re going to tell Bobby about my parents coming?”

  “Yes, but just so you know, the house is mine. I had it built when I was separated from Bobby. It was part of my trust money. I own it free and clear.”

  Brooks looked at me real quick with a smile on his face. “I should have known you’d spend it wisely. Your mom and dad would be happy about that.”

  “I think so too. They’d want B to have a home that she loved. I always loved where we lived. The only hard part was watching another child moving in after they were gone. Hopefully B won’t have to deal with something so tragic.”

  Brooks agreed, “Yeah. You don’t have to worry about me going anywhere. Due to my injury, I’m no use in the field. All I do nowadays is train recruits on procedures. I feel more like a school teacher than a soldier.”

  “You’re safe. That’s all I care about.”

  I looked out the window, realizing we only had a few more minutes together. “It’s going to be nice seeing you again every day. I really missed you.”

  I touched his arm. “I missed you, too.”

  He pulled into the driveway and I saw Bobby’s truck. He was home waiting for his girls to arrive. I knew I couldn’t stand around talking to Brooks, so I had to grab B and go inside. />
  Brooks hopped out of the driver’s seat. He opened the back door and started unfastening her clips. It took him a few seconds to figure the buttons, but he managed to do it with little effort. When he climbed out of the back, he was holding her and kissing her on the cheek.

  Then I heard him say something so beautiful. “I love you, bug.”

  I tried to hold back my emotions, knowing it would upset Bobby if I went inside crying.

  Brooks handed me our daughter and started to walk toward his truck. He came running back just as I’d turned around, forgetting to give me my keys. When our hands touched I felt that electric jolt hitting me again. Our eyes met and instead of saying goodbye, I said something entirely different. “I meant every word that I wrote in those letters, Brooks. I could never completely give my heart away, not when it was with you the whole time.”

  Realizing what I’d just said, I turned and started moving quickly up the stairs to my porch. I couldn’t look him in the eyes, or see his face. I certainly didn’t want to stand there waiting to hear how he responded. The cat was out of the bag. I’d made it one day and I knew that Brooks wasn’t going to just give up on us like he said. If he was willing to sleep with me on the night before I married his brother, I feared what he was willing to do for me and our daughter. Brooks was a good man. He put others before himself. He’d never known what it was like to have a child. He didn’t know what unconditional love was like. Now that he was feeling that love radiating through him, all bets were off.

  I opened the door and walked in to find Bobby on the couch. Five beers sat on the table next to him and I could tell they were empty. He looked rough, like he hadn’t showered, or even changed all day. The expression on his face was horrifying, as if he heard and known everything I’d said to Brooks. I put B in her bed before coming out into the living room. Just as I was sitting down in the chair next to him, he startled me by standing up. I watched his tall body come to be standing in front of me. “How was your night? Did Mommy and Daddy have fun together?”

  “It wasn’t like that, Bobby. It was about B and you know it.”

  He let out a phony air-filled laugh. “Yeah, you keep sayin’ it, but I think I know you a little better than that. So where’d you go?”

  “We went to the indoor play park in Columbia.”

  “And let me guess, you and pretty boy soldier played catch-up. Did you plan out your future together, because God knows you had plenty of time to.”

  I felt bad for staying out so long, and even worse for being guilty of a lot of things he was accusing me of. I had spent the day with Brooks and we did talk about our feelings. As far as making plans to be together, it hadn’t been said out loud, albeit I wasn’t doubting Brooks’ intentions. He wanted me and I knew I’d only be able to fight it for so long. “He was with his daughter, Bobby. It wasn’t about me and him. I told you that I didn’t have to go.”

  “Yeah, you said a lot of things. So, I’m just wonderin’ how long this is goin’ to continue? Is he going to file somethin’ with the court? Do I need to start watchin’ my back?”

  “What are you talking about? Watching your back?”

  He got real flip. “Yeah, like that marksman is goin’ to shoot me dead, watch my back.”

  I stood up and walked into the kitchen. “Brooks would never kill someone. Don’t even talk like that.”

  He pulled another beer out of the refrigerator. “That man wants you, Katy. It ain’t a secret. He’s goin’ to ride this out for as long as it takes. You’re the only one with blinders on here.”

  “Blinders? Bobby, listen to yourself.” I sat down at the table. “Brooks just wants to be a part of his daughter’s life. Right now, he wants to see her every day. It won’t last forever. He’s going to get a bigger place so he can start keeping her overnight and…”

  I felt something hitting the back of my head and my face slammed into the table. “He’s not keepin’ her overnight and that’s final. You tell him that, Katy. He thinks he can walk right in here and do what he wants with my daughter, he’s got another thing comin’.”

  I was already crying and shaking profusely. Bobby mixed with alcohol and pain was a bad concoction. “We can’t keep him from seeing her and you know why. Please just calm down.” I kept my hands over my head to prevent another blow.

  He grabbed my face and squeezed my cheeks together like a child being scorned by their parents. “Don’t you dare tell me what to do. I’m done doin’ shit for you, Katy. If I find out you’re screwin’ around with him, you’ll be sorry. You’re my wife, you hear me?”

  He let go of me and I covered my face with my hands. The sting was still there, reminding me of all the other times he’d lost his temper and took it out on me. I should have seen it coming, and been prepared for more.

  With my little one asleep a couple rooms over, I knew I couldn’t make him anymore mad at me. I shook my head. “I’m not messing around with him, Bobby. I swear.”

  He got back in my face one more time. “Let me find out you’re lyin’, Katy.”

  I cried harder. “I’m not, I swear. I’m with you, Bobby. I’m only with you.”

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me against his chest. I was petrified that he was going to throw me across the room, but instead he started crying.

  I was in trouble and I didn’t know what to do. The only thing I did know was that Brooks couldn’t find out. If he did, he’d kill Bobby with his bare hands and then we’d never be able to be together, because he’d go to jail.

  Chapter 33

  That following morning I was in no shape to be able to face Brooks. My cheek was bruised and even though I had a small cut on the back of my scalp that I knew I could hide, my head was pounding from it.

  Bobby got up and went to work, instead of church. Before he left he acted as if nothing had ever happened. I swear, when he was drinking, he lost all sense of himself and became a monster.

  I sat in the kitchen looking at Brooks’ information that he’d left for me the first night he’d come over. I suppose he’d started jotting it down because I wasn’t home at the time. When I showed up, Bobby threw it away, so I dug it out of the trash the next day.

  I looked down at my phone and started dialing the number. Since I wasn’t sure if it was a landline or a cell phone, I had to call it instead of leaving a text.

  “Sergeant Valentine speaking.”

  I laughed, hearing him announcing his name. I guess I wasn’t used to it. “Hey, it’s me, Katy.”

  “You don’t have to say your name. I don’t have a slew of women calling me on this number.”

  I felt my cheeks reddened, but realized he had been leaving his information because he wanted to meet his daughter, not see me. “Oh. Well, I’m calling to tell you that today won’t be good to come over. Bobby made plans and I didn’t know it.”

  I knew he was disappointed.

  “Man, I got off early in hopes to spend extra time there.” He paused. “It’s cool. I’ll figure out something else to do. I guess I can always start looking for places. My roommate in the barracks isn’t going to want me bringing a kid to spend the night.”

  “I’m sorry, Brooks. I don’t want you to feel like I’m keeping her from you. I’d never do that.”

  “It’s fine. I know you wouldn’t keep her from me.”

  “So, I better get going. It’s early and I need to get B ready for Sunday school.”

  “Can you take a picture and send it to this number? I’d love to be able to show the guys.”

  My heart started to patter, feeling his love and excitement for her. I closed my eyes and tried to not get emotional. “Sure.”

  “So, I guess I need to hang up now?”

  I sat down in the kitchen chair, not ready end our conversation. “What do you do on your days off?”

  “I hook up with random chicks that love a man in a uniform.”

  Before I could freak out, he started laughing. “I’m kidding, Kat. Although, there are women that
would pretty much do anything for a man in fatigues, I only have eyes for one girl.”

  “Stop it, Brooks. Today is not a good day to joke around.” He felt comfortable around me again and it made me happy, but I couldn’t let statements like that get to me.

  “Sorry. Are you alright? You seem kind of snappy. Did your being with me last night cause problems with you and your husband? Was it what you said last night?”

  I was quiet, contemplating on what I should tell Brooks.

  “Talk to me. Am I overstepping? If I’m causing you problems, we can make other arrangements. I mean, I’ll miss being able to see you, but I understand.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I know it’s been a while, but I’m pretty sure there’s something you’re not telling me.”

  I wanted to tell Brooks the truth. Lying to him hurt me, because it reminded me of the pain that I’d caused him.

  “Would it be okay if we just talked tomorrow? I’ve got to go get ready for church.”

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll call you in the morning.”

  After we hung up I looked over at the clock. Even though I had plenty of time, I knew I wasn’t going to leave the house. The last thing I wanted was to have to explain to my pastor that I walked into a door. He’d know the truth and it would cause even more problems with Bobby and me. I didn’t see my husband for another couple of hours. He showed up at the house around eleven with a bouquet of flowers and a card. When he came in he handed it to me and kissed me on the head, as if I would have instantly forgiven him. “Sorry I lost my temper last night, Katy. You need to understand what it’s like to watch you with him.” He sat down at the table across from me. “I don’t want you hangin’ out with him anymore.”

  “He’s my oldest friend,” I argued.

  “I don’t give a shit. I don’t want you alone with him, ever. Do you understand me?”

  I stood up and walked over to the sink. “You can’t ask me to stay away from Brooks. That’s not fair.”