Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  She hung up and handed me the phone. “Call Brooks and tell him we’ll be home late tonight.”

  I didn’t know what to say.

  As much as I longed to see Brooks, I knew there were things that needed to be dealt with that didn’t involve him. I needed to worry about burying Bobby before I could begin to figure out anything else.

  Still, I waited for her to walk out of the room before I dialed his number.

  “Sergeant Valentine.”

  “Hey, it’s me.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Hearing his voice instantly made me emotional. More than anything I wished that I could take everything back. I wanted to rewind the last four years of my life and choose Brooks from the beginning. Life would have all been so simple if I’d just made the right choices in the first place.

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “Katy, please tell me you’re not calling to give me bad news. I’m having a terrible time being here when you’re both there. I can’t take much more this week.”

  “I’m not. I’m calling because I’m coming home. Your mom is going to drive us and stay with me. She wanted me to call and tell you that we’ll be home late tonight.”

  “She wanted you to call? So you weren’t going to?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Yeah. You didn’t. So, do you want me to head over to your place when I get off?”

  My throat was burning with the things that I wanted to say to him, but couldn’t. I couldn’t keep him from seeing B, even if I was conflicted about my life. I’d never do that to him. “Yes. There’s a hidden key attached to a magnet underneath the fender to the riding mower. It’s in the shed. That key opens the front and kitchen door. I have no idea what’s there to eat, but help yourself. We’ll call when we get close.”

  “I can’t wait to see you. We’re going to get through this, Kat.”

  I was shaking so badly, hiding my sobs by covering the phone so he couldn’t hear me. “Okay.” It was all I could manage to get out.

  “Don’t you dare give up on us. I know what you’re doing.”

  “I’m not doing anything,” I said defensively.

  “You’re pushing me away because you think it’s the right thing to do. You think you caused all of this to happen. Katy, you didn’t make him put that bottle to his mouth. You didn’t make him raise his hand to a woman. He did all of that himself. I know you feel guilty, but he could have chosen other paths. He didn’t have to viciously hunt you down and you know it. If he found my parents address, he very well could have gotten their phone number. Please, Kat, just think about it. We all know you’d never hurt someone intentionally. You did what you had to do to get free. You said it yourself.”

  “He’s dead because of me. Nothing you say will change that. Now, I’ve got to come home and face all of the people that loved him. They never believed he did those things to me, so they’ll never understand that this was an accident.”

  “He was drunk. It was confirmed through blood tests. Those people can say whatever they want, but they can’t deny the damn truth.” He was getting angry with me and I didn’t know what to say to comfort him.

  He didn’t run away and become rescued by Sarah and Dave. As much as they’d done for me, I couldn’t stand imagining telling them that their very best friend was gone. The ache in my heart was excruciating to bear.

  Brooks got quiet on the phone. I knew it was because he was frustrated. I was more frustrated with myself.

  “I love you, so much,” he whispered.

  I should have been prepared to hear it. He never said goodbye without those words. I should have been able to handle it without breaking down. “I love you, too.” It would never be a lie. No matter what happened, I’d never love another man. That was the only thing I was completely positive about.

  “I’ll be there waiting for you tonight. We’ll get through this together. I promise.”

  I smiled through my tears, knowing he was making me a promise.

  We hung up and I closed my eyes. I could still see Brooks and I together in my future, but there was this big wall blocking me from being able to have it and I didn’t know how to break it down.

  Chapter 53

  I had to give credit to Danica. She drove us, all the way through to South Carolina, only stopping for bathroom breaks. We were starving and I was exhausted. I’d fought so hard to stay awake to be able to occupy B and keep Danica company.

  I wanted to close my eyes and drift away from anything but thinking about my life. No matter what I looked at, or what song was playing on the radio, I thought of Brooks and Bobby and how my whirlwind affair had cost me so much pain.

  What hurt the most was knowing that I could have prevented it.

  When we pulled up at the house, and I saw a strange vehicle, I knew Brooks was there waiting for us. He was going to want to talk to me again and I wasn’t prepared for it.

  I still had calls to make and a company to meet in the morning that I was paying to transport Bobby’s body home. His family, who was extremely saddened by the news, had no idea that we’d been having problems and I worried that when they found out, it would change things.

  I had to keep the peace.

  It was difficult for me to get in and out of the car by myself, while still feeling pain. I should have known he’d be there to open the door for me. Seeing him standing there made my body immediately warm. His eyes were on mine as were his lips. I closed my eyes and savored the way it felt. “I missed you.”

  I let my lips linger against his until we heard B. “Daddy. Me get out.”

  Brooks left me standing there so he could pull B out of the back. “There’s Daddy’s, bug. Did you miss me?”

  Once she was freed, he let her climb out on her own. Her hand found his and then his other was on my back as I hobbled along.

  Danica grabbed her bag and followed us into the house.

  I don’t know why I expected it to be as I’d left it. Brooks squeezed my hand when he heard me gasp. “I’ve been cleaning since I got here. I didn’t want you to see it like this.”

  My beautiful, brand new home looked like it had been vandalized. Plates were broken, cabinet doors had been pulled off the hinges. Brooks helped me into the living room and the television screen had a huge crack in it. I could see where he’d picked up, but even noticed the curtains were ripped away from the walls.

  I ventured further inside of my house, until I reached my bedroom door. Brooks put his hand over the doorknob. “Kat, let’s get you settled first.”

  “What is it? What did he do?” I was already crying, feeling like all of the love I’d put into my home was wasted.

  “You need to remember that this is just a house. Everything in here can be replaced.”

  I looked right at him, angrily staring him down until he released the knob. “The fumes are still bad.”

  I opened the door and was taken aback by the smell of gasoline. Everything had been shoved off of my dresser and someone had removed the sheets and blankets from my bed. A large black burn mark was in the center along with a dark mark from where the flames had charred the ceiling.

  He’d set our bed on fire.

  I couldn’t believe it.

  My mouth hung open as I took another mental picture of the room. “What has he done?”

  “I already bagged the bedding and the fire extinguisher. I’m assuming this was all some sick message, considering he’d been prepared to put the fire out before it got out of hand. Like I said before, we can replace all of this. I can buy us a new bed tomorrow. With a couple cans of paint and some fresh carpet we can get the smell out of here and you’ll never even be able to tell it ever happened.”

  I shook my head and finally looked at Brooks. “Don’t you get it? This is all my fault. Everything! He did all of this because of what I did to him - what we did to him.”

  Brooks touched my shoulder and I pulled away. “Please, Kat, you’re not thinking clearly.”


  “My husband is dead because I broke his damn heart. We did this to him. It didn’t have to be like this, Brooks. Stop acting like we’re just going to be happy and move forward. There is no moving forward. I’ll never forgive myself. I can’t even begin to think about it.”

  He just stood there, as if I’d said nothing. I sighed, knowing I was breaking his heart too. Why couldn’t he understand that I felt responsible? Why couldn’t he see that I’d let my actions destroy a good man? All he wanted to do was take care of me and B. I practically ripped her out of his arms and had fallen right back into bed with Brooks again. This uncontrolled roller coaster was a death-trap waiting to happen.

  He reached for me again, pleading with his eyes.

  I looked away.

  “Kat, don’t make me leave. Please talk to me.”

  I closed my eyes when I spoke to keep from losing it more. “I won’t ask you to leave. Your mother and our daughter are here.”

  When I opened my eyes he nodded, but looked down. “You just need time. That’s what this is, right? We’ll get through this?”

  “Maybe. It’s too much right now, Brooks. I’m not trying to hurt you and this isn’t about our love. There will never be anyone but you. I know that. I need to sort things in my head before I can do anything.”

  He nodded again. “So what am I supposed to do? Do I come here every day and pretend that it’s okay to not be able to touch you? Do I avoid eye contact, because looking at you is like shards of glass being driven into my eyes? I’ve waited for you, Kat. I’ve been so God damn patient. If I could take the pain away from you I would. I do anything to keep you from hurting, but I can’t accept that we can’t be together. I won’t let you push me away this time. Do you hear me?”

  He grabbed both of my arms. “Look at me, Kat. Look me in the eyes and swear to me that we’re going to get through this.”

  I closed my eyes and opened them slowly, feeling warm tears falling down my cheeks, one after the other. “What if we don’t?”

  He shook me, not violently, but more as if he were trying to wake me from a sleep. “Don’t do this, again.”

  “Brooks, what if I can’t move forward? Look at my house. A man is dead. Our love is like poison and everyone around us ends up getting hurt. How much more has to happen before you see that?”

  His reddened eyes looked away, like looking at me made it all so much worse. Then, without another word, he left the room.

  I heard the front door slam and a vehicle starting. It was obvious that I’d hurt him. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. That was the point. I couldn’t be responsible for what happened when Brooks and I were together. It wasn’t fair.

  I fell down on the floor and began sobbing. My house was a disaster and I couldn’t even call the police to report it, because the person responsible had already met his fate. Everything was out of control and I felt like I was being sucked into a vicious black-hole with no way to escape.

  Danica gave me a little while alone before she came in to help me up off the floor. Maybe she knew I didn’t want her opinions. It was especially hard for her considering that she treated me like I was her daughter. Picking sides wasn’t ever something she could do with a good conscience.

  “What am I going to do?”

  She helped me up and got me standing. When I went out into the living room, she helped me get seated comfortably on the couch and propped up my feet. “About what, Katy? If it’s about this house, we’ll clean it up. If you’re asking about Brooks, that’s something you need to decide. Just keep in mind that he can only handle so much rejection. Maybe instead of shutting him out, you should let him be there for you. Brooks knows you, probably better than you know yourself, right now. No matter what you’re going through, he’ll understand, as long as you don’t push him away.”

  “Bobby’s dead because of me,” I said in a whisper.

  “That man is dead because he made poor choices.”

  I shook my head, unable to accept that she knew anything about the situation. “You don’t understand. All he ever wanted was for me to love him. I tried, and for a while I thought I did. Obviously, it wasn’t anything like I feel for Brooks, but it was becoming something to build off of. The moment I found out Brooks was alive --”

  “Alive? Katy, you thought he was dead?”

  I nodded and started to sob, covering my face with both of my hands. “His letters stopped. I called Melissa and hung up before they could tell me that he’d just been injured. I didn’t know they were sending him home. I didn’t have a clue that he was coming home to be with me.”

  She put her hand on my shoulder and started rubbing it. “My God, I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.”

  “I felt like I couldn’t breathe. If it wasn’t for Bobby, I’d still be lying in my bed, without the will to go on. He understood how much I loved Brooks and still wanted to be with me. Granted, it was the reason that he started drinking and eventually hitting me.”

  “What? He hit you?”

  I nodded and cried harder. “Brooks came here to be with me, and when he pulled up at the house and saw that I was with another man and had a child, he gave up on me. I never knew he’d been here. I swear to you that I didn’t know.”

  “I believe you, but I need to know how you found out?”

  “I got a letter a few weeks ago that must have been lost in the mail. It was postdated from February and explained how he was coming home to start a life with me. I didn’t tell anyone about it. I just got in my car and drove to the base. There was no way I could go without knowing. I had to see it for myself. Brooks walked out of that building and I felt like I could breathe again. Not only was he alive, but he’d been living so close to me. What he didn’t know was that Brooklyn was his child. He told me that he wanted nothing to do with me and then I confessed.”

  “You should have seen the look on his face when he told me to leave. It hurt so much knowing that I’d hurt him again. I hated myself for not telling him about B. When I left, I went to pick her up from the babysitter. When I got home, Brooks was sitting at the kitchen table with Bobby. After that, everything started becoming the mess that led to all this. Bobby started hitting me again and Brooks wasn’t going to sit around letting it happen. He hid me from Bobby at a hotel near the base.

  That was the first time that we spent the night together. We should have waited, but after so long apart and sharing the excitement of our daughter, things happened. It was his idea to bring us home to you and Walt. He thought we’d be safe while waiting for Bobby to be served papers ordering him stay away from us.

  I was so caught up in being with Brooks, finally after so long that I went along with everything he said. It was his idea to tell you he knew the whole time. It was his idea to lie about being married. He just wanted our family back together, and for what it was worth, it meant everything to me too. I’m so sorry. I know you must hate me for doing this to the family, again. I promise that I won’t keep B from you. I’d never do that.”

  “Stop.” She closed her eyes and kept her hand on my shoulder. “Just stop and let me take this all in.”

  “All you have to know is that this is my fault. I agreed to marry Bobby and he expected me to change. I ruined his life and now I’ve ruined mine.”

  “That wasn’t fair to either of you, Katy. He should have known that he couldn’t change things. You can’t help who you fall in love with. Nobody expects you to be a saint. I’m angry with your approach, but I do understand how you felt like it was the only way. Our situation is difficult. You being in love with my sons and also considering you my own daughter, it was always a potion for disaster, but we let you all figure it out amongst yourselves. Bobby couldn’t expect you to change something that you’ve felt your entire life.”

  I smiled, knowing that she was right. I’d loved Brooks Valentine my whole life. The idea that he’d just walked out of my house so upset was killing me. “I think when he thought I’d lost Brooks forever, Bobby
thought he had a chance. Shit, I even told him he did. We were trying to have another baby.”

  “Katy, you were doing what you thought was right. Whether it was a miracle or miscommunication, Brooks was suddenly back in your life. Anyone in your situation would have been compulsive with their decision making. You felt like you’d gotten a second chance after experiencing all of the emotions of losing someone.”

  I cried harder, feeling like nothing that I’d done was the right decision. “Being with Brooks is so easy. I know it’s stupid, but it’s almost like we share a heart.”

  “Or a soul? Maybe that’s possible. We’ll never know. Look, life isn’t always wonderful. There are ugly parts. You know that more than anyone. What you do with those ugly parts is what makes you the woman you are. I can’t tell you what to do, but you need to imagine your life without Bobby and your life without Brooks. If what Bobby wanted was for you to be happy, then somewhere in your heart you’ll be able to forgive yourself.”

  Brooks had offered me similar advice a while back.

  I couldn’t talk anymore and after my confession I fully expected Danica to catch the next flight out. Instead, while I cried and B slept, she began cleaning my house.

  My heart was so heavy, and right in the middle of all the pain was the man that I was pushing away.

  Chapter 54

  I should have known that I wouldn’t get much rest. Aside from having to sleep on the couch, since my bed had been destroyed, I tossed and turned thinking about Brooks and everything else.

  I could hear the sounds of the critters and insects outside and nothing else. I stared at the ceiling for a while, and even got down on the floor and started picking up things that were still out of place.

  Danica was sound asleep in B’s room with her and I didn’t want to wake either of them by turning on the television.

  I attempted to count sheep, think about where I walked, where I needed to go in the morning, but nothing was letting me go to sleep.

  Finally, around two in the morning, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to hear his voice. I knew that because of how he’d left, I was too messed up to be able to rest.