Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  “Brooks?”

  “Yeah?”

  I sniffled and tried to think of what to say to him, because thank you was never going to be enough. “I don’t deserve you.”

  “Yes, you do. Go take a hot bath. Close your eyes and think about B’s smile. Think about how happy she is when you walk into the room. Think of things that make you happy. Just try to relax.”

  “I’ll think about you, Brooks.”

  He laughed and I knew he was smiling. “Without clothes. That always seems to change my mood.”

  I snickered through another wave of tears. “I’ll try that.”

  “That’s my girl. I’ll see you in a bit.”

  I held the phone up to my chest and was able to finally calm down. It was obvious that I was fighting a losing battle with my heart. I was going to have to stop disputing it, because more than ever, I needed Brooks. I just had to figure out how to get past the demons in my head that was torturing the part of me that needed closure.

  That was a battle that I wasn’t sure how to overcome.

  Chapter 56

  Since I’d decided to do everything over the phone and not leave my house, I was determined to get things as cleaned up as I could.

  Bobby’s family and friends were going to handle everything at the church being that I was no longer a welcome part of the congregation. I’d like to think that it didn’t hurt me, but it would have been a lie. Not only was I hurting, but I was sad for my daughter, whether she even remembered all of them or not. I hated that people were only judged from the outside. Though I may not have been the best to Bobby, I did try to make him happy. When the abuse began, I did everything for him.

  I had to keep reminding myself that Bobby’s alcohol addiction wasn’t directly due to Brooks. For a while there he’d even thought Brooks was dead. I don’t know how much more someone could be out of the picture than that.

  Danica was a blessing to have around, always keeping B occupied in and outside, while I hobbled around, trying to put my house back in order. She’d done most of the scrubbing and picking up the little pieces, so I wouldn’t have to.

  I didn’t even realize how late it was until I heard a vehicle coming down the driveway. It was too difficult to make my way over to the window, so I sat there in my chair waiting for him to come inside.

  I knew it was Brooks, because he never let me down. I just didn’t know he’d been coming with gifts.

  He walked through the door with both hands full of bags. “Hey. Now, before you freak out I just want to say that I did my best picking out something you’d like. If it’s no good, we’ll take it all back and pick out something else.”

  He sat the bags down on the coffee table and leaned over to kiss me. “You didn’t have to buy me anything.”

  He started walking back outside, but turned around to answer. “If I’m going to be living here, then I need to pitch in.” He winked before walking outside and I was left sitting there, speechless.

  I started pulling things out of the bags, realizing that he’d gone to a store and bought things to replace what had been damaged. The first thing I noticed was how close to the originals he’d gotten. Danica must have been sending him pictures all day long and never telling me.

  I started opening the packages that contained new curtains, when he came walking back in with more bags. “I can’t believe you did all this. Did you take off early?”

  “No. I ordered it all on the computer and it was ready when I got off. Mom suggested it.”

  I laughed, thinking about Danica and her love for shopping. “This is pretty amazing. I can’t believe you did this.”

  Brooks sat the next couple of bags down next to me. He ran the back of his hand over my cheek. “I’d do anything to see you smile, Kat. Put your feet up and start opening packages. I’ve got to go back outside and help my buddies with something.”

  “Your buddies?”

  I had no idea what he was talking about. B and Danica were outside. I could hear them playing near the swing set.

  Then I saw the door swing open and two men in fatigues holding one end of a mattress. They nodded when they saw me sitting down and I smiled politely.

  In came Brooks with one other guy helping him. The moment I saw him my heart rate increased. The butterflies in my stomach were getting stronger as he made his way with the mattress to our bedroom. I was in awe over him, and the things that he did for me and for us.

  In a matter of minutes, they were then carrying the large full-sized throw rug out of the house and bringing in another still wrapped in plastic. I sat there, listening to them talking while moving things around. I knew what they were doing, but I couldn’t believe it. It was just outrageous.

  I waited until he saw his friends out before getting up and making my way into the bedroom. Brooks came over and picked me up, carefully laying me on the new mattress. “So, how does it feel? The internet said it’s the most sold bed in America. The rug is even softer than the one we had to throw away. It matches all the new bedding. Mom picked them out based on what you had before.”

  I closed my eyes and let my body sink down in the memory foam. It was the utmost comfortable thing I’d ever laid on. I leaned up on my elbow and looked at him. “It’s great, but there’s just one problem.”

  He looked concerned, as if he was going to have to return it. “What? Too soft? I know some people like a bed to be firm.”

  “No. It’s too comfortable. I don’t see how you’re ever going to get any action, when I fall asleep as soon as my back hits the bed.”

  Brooks began to laugh at my comment. He pulled me close against him and looked down at my lips. “Am I allowed to kiss you or are we still waiting?”

  I closed my eyes and prepared for his lips to make contact with mine. “Waiting only prolongs the inevitable.”

  He kissed me slowly, brushing our lips together and then pulled away. “I don’t think I have to worry about you falling asleep on me. I know ways to keep you alert and ready.” Just as he ran his hands down between my legs, I heard the door open and shut and our daughter’s voice.

  We both sat up and prepared for her presence. Danica let her climb up to hug Brooks. “Hey, Daddy will be outside in just a second. I need to talk to Mommy about something first. Go on with Mom mom and I’ll meet you there.”

  She hopped down and went running back outside. Danica smiled at him as if she knew a secret that I didn’t. I felt overwhelmed for a second, thinking that he was getting ready to, of all times, ask me to marry him.

  I pulled away and must have gotten a shocked look on my face. “What’s wrong with you?”

  I put my hands up in front of me. “Don’t you dare do it. I need time, Brooks. I can’t just spit on a grave that hasn’t even been dug yet.”

  I watched his face change, and as he realized what I’d been thinking, I discovered that my assumption had been way off.

  I felt so stupid.

  He shook his head. “Look, now I get that you’re worried I’m going to push you, but I won’t push for that. Kat, I will wedge myself so far into your life that you won’t be able to get rid of me, but I wasn’t going to ask you what you think I was. In fact, I wasn’t going to ask you anything.”

  “Sorry.” I was completely embarrassed. “What was it?”

  “While you were in the hospital I had my appointment with the medical board. It seems that my injuries are more severe than I thought. They’re going to have to do surgery, and they’re not real sure that he can fix the damage.”

  I looked down at the scars on his arm; the scars that saved that young child. My finger traced over them. “What does that mean?”

  “Well, depending on a few factors, I may not be able to stay on active duty. I know I can’t pass a normal physical evaluation. Without feeling in my hand and arm, I can’t operate the machinery that I was trained to use.”

  “You said it didn’t bother you.”

  He began to laugh. “It doesn’t. For the most part, I
can’t feel much of anything. I just assumed that it was alright. But I can tell that sometimes I lose the feeling and control over it.”

  I put my hand over my mouth. “Jesus, you picked me up before. You just carried a mattress. What were you thinking?”

  He shrugged again and reached over to touch my lips. “I was thinking that I’d waited my whole life to be with you and hold a child that we shared together. When the opportunity was in front of me, I couldn’t refuse it.”

  I felt terrible and couldn’t look at him in the face. “So, it’s our fault you may not be able to work?”

  He pulled me back toward him and my body fell over his. “Even if it was, I wouldn’t be mad. I’ve got plans for us, Kat, and they don’t involve the military. Getting out wouldn’t be that bad. I could get a job and we’d be fine.”

  “I still can’t believe that you want to be with me. So much has happened. If you were smart, you would have forgotten about me a long time ago.”

  He patted me on the back. “We’re a family. I’ve doubted myself for many reasons in my life, but deciding to love you was never something I ever considered giving up. That probably makes me a fool. I really don’t care what anyone thinks about it. We can be something beautiful together and that’s all I need to know.”

  I lightly smacked his chest. “Stop doing that.”

  “What?” He acted like he didn’t know.

  “Making me love you even more.”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Then he went right into another topic. “I’ve got some paint outside. I’m going to need to paint the ceiling before we can get the sheets on the bed. I bought you the nice thick ones like we had growing up.”

  I rolled over, slowly, taking my time so I didn’t hurt too much. “I guess I’ll just lay here and watch.”

  He sat up and kissed me on my nose. “Sounds good to me.” Brooks stood up and before walking out of the room, he turned around and looked at me. “So, did you get everything taken care of today?”

  I leaned up on both elbows. “For the most part. The church is basically taking over and everyone pretty much made it clear that I wasn’t going to be welcome. They all think I’m a terrible person. I know you don’t see it, but maybe they’re all right. How else could I feel so happy to start over with you, in the midst of a tragedy?”

  Brooks walked over to the bed and kneeled in front of me. “Kat, you’re human and you’re coping. If I wasn’t here life would be different, but I can’t let what’s happened come between us. I won’t. Only you and Bobby know what happened in that truck. You can blame yourself for the rest of your life, if that will help you cope. The fact is that, he forced you into that vehicle, after breaking a protective order and hunting you down, with every intention of harming you, or maybe even worse. Wake up and see what I see, because nowhere does it say that defending yourself can be construed as murder. You were trying to survive in a dire situation, one where your life felt threatened. If they can’t understand that, then screw them. They weren’t your real friends anyway.”

  He patted on my leg before standing up and walking out of the room.

  After I knew he’d gone outside, I looked down at the mattress and the new rug. He was going to have to cover the whole room in plastic while he repaired the black mark from the flames. It was a good thing that ceiling paint was easy to come by.

  Brooks entered the room with a bunch of trash bags that he started spreading out over the floor, and once I got up, the bed as well. He opened a can of primer and held it and a paintbrush as he climbed onto the bed. “I need to seal the spot. I checked earlier and it didn’t go through. He must have put out the flames as soon as they started to get high. One coat of this primer and couple coats of the paint should do the trick. If you hate it, I’ll rip out the drywall and replace the whole area.”

  “You know how to do all that?”

  “Do you think I just wear this uniform and walk around all day looking sexy?” he kept preparing while he spoke.

  I laughed at him. “Of course not. I just didn’t think they taught you stuff like this.”

  “Woman, you’ve got a lot to learn about the things I know.” He bent down and touched the tip of the wet brush to my nose.

  I reached over and ran my hands up his camouflage t-shirt. “I’m a more hands on kind of learner.”

  He sat the paint can down on the nightstand and hovered over my body. “Let’s get started then.”

  Even though I was aware of everything going on in my life, taking a reprieve from it all was exactly what I needed.

  Chapter 57

  The funeral service for Bobby didn’t take place until five days later, being that his body had to be transported and then prepared. They assured me that we’d be able to have an open casket and that his head injury wouldn’t be noticeable.

  My worry increased as the days got closer, and while my house was finally getting back to looking new again, I felt like my life was a spinning tornado.

  Danica continued offering her support and spending every second with her granddaughter. I’d managed to make progress getting around better on my own and insisted on attending the service by myself.

  Although Brooks had been staying at my house, and even sleeping next to me in my new bed, we weren’t exactly talking about our future. He knew I needed time to sort my problems out before I could focus on our relationship.

  So I did what every person does on the day of a funeral. I put on a little eye makeup, wore a black dress and grabbed my sunglasses.

  My anxiety was through the roof as I pulled into the tiny parking lot at the church and found that it was already full of cars.

  Then I spotted Dave, standing outside talking to his father-in-law, the pastor. Both of them stared as I turned off the vehicle and started to climb out.

  It took me a good bit to make my way to where they stood. Although I was mobile, my hip still hurt when I went from sitting to walking.

  When I got within four feet from Dave, he put his hand up motioning me to stop. “Hold up a minute. Where do you think you’re goin’, Katy?”

  “Inside. Where else would I go?”

  He shook his head. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Do everyone a favor and just go home. We’re all here to remember our friend, not sit in the same room with the person that ended his life.”

  I knew they felt that way, but hearing him say it in front of the pastor, and him saying nothing in my defense, made it all even more bitter. “I have every right to be in there. He was my husband and I loved him.”

  “You loved him?” Dave spit on the ground in front of me. “You loved him so much that you had him arrested for a crime he wasn’t capable of doin’. You know that man never laid a hand on you, but yet you had him arrested for it, didn’t ya?”

  “You think I inflicted those bruises all of those times on myself?”

  “It don’t even matter what I think you’re capable of. If that weren’t bad enough, you took your daughter and ran off with your lover, so he couldn’t even see her. All he wanted to do was work things out with you.”

  “No, he wanted to hurt me worse.” I was crying, and begging for him to listen to me. I didn’t make up being beat on and I sure as hell wouldn’t have left town if I didn’t feel like I was in danger.

  “Katy, do us all a favor and spare us the drama. Sarah’s so upset because she brought you into Bobby’s life. She doesn’t need to see you here.”

  “Please, Dave. Please, just let me pay my respects. I have every right to say goodbye to him. You couldn’t be more wrong about me. I swear, I would never want this for anyone, especially Bobby.”

  He looked back at his father-in-law, who took a step toward me. He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Bobby told me things during our sessions. He had his own demons, but I’ve got to be respectful of my daughter. How about we meet later and you can say your goodbye’s then?”

  I heard a voice behind me and I didn’t have to turn around to see wh
o it was. “How about you get off that high horse and let the girl through? Isn’t this the Lord’s home where everyone is welcome?”

  Dave started to haul ass toward Brooks. I grabbed the back of his jacket and held him back, while Brooks crossed his arms over his chest, not afraid of what was coming. “Get your boyfriend out of here, Katy. My best friend is dead because of you. Leave now, before someone gets hurt.”

  Brooks was wearing his Army dress uniform and I’d never known him to look more handsome. At the same time, I was caught in the middle of a war in the church parking lot. While holding onto the back of Dave, I knew I had to do something before our scene became the most remembered moment of my husband’s funeral. “Dave, please. We’ll go. Please just stop this.”

  He shoved me with his shoulder as he walked by me and I watched Brooks explode in front of me. He charged full-force at Dave and I watched them both fall to the ground.

  I reach down and grabbed Brooks’ arm before he could pound it against Dave’s face. “Please stop. You need to leave, Brooks. Please, just go.”

  He shoved Dave to the ground before standing up and dusting off his clothes. “I came here for support, because I knew they were going to treat you like shit.”

  I touched his hand with mine. “I can handle them without you interfering. Just go before it gets worse.”

  He pulled his hand away from me and I saw anger in his eyes. “You know what, I’m sick of trying.”

  I wanted to run after him, but had to worry about Dave before I could do anything else. I turned to face him. “I’m going in that church and I’m saying goodbye to my husband. You can spit on me and call me names, but I’m still going. Whatever you think of me, whatever you want to tell people, you’ll never begin to understand how much his death had devastated me. You think I don’t know that he was once a good man? I’m sorry he’s gone, but I never lied about anything, not to him and certainly not to the police.”