Brazen Girl: Brazen Series Book 3

by Dean, Ali

“You know, I didn’t even touch my skateboard until three weeks ago. Like, I could have at least skated around flat surfaces, done flat ground tricks before I was cleared.”

  Jordan’s been looking out at the street but now she turns to face me.

  “I told myself I wasn’t doing that because it would be too frustrating. But once I got the all clear to really skate, I still couldn’t do it.”

  “What do you mean, you couldn’t do it?”

  “I went to the park. Drove there even though we can skate there. I told myself it was because it was so cold and a little icy. But then I got there, and I only made it ten feet. I didn’t want to go in the bowl, the rails, over the stairs, down a ramp. Just turned around and came home.”

  “You only tried that once?”

  “I was waiting until I really wanted to.”

  “You don’t want to skate?”

  She looks at her hands for a long moment before answering. “I don’t know. I miss it. But there’s something stopping me I guess.”

  “You scared you’ll get hurt? That’s totally understandable, Jordan.”

  “I don’t think that’s it. I know I won’t get hurt skating down a ramp or even just carving through a bowl.”

  “I think we should go skate somewhere right now, today. You go any longer and whatever barrier’s stopping you will only get bigger.”

  “I was kind of hoping it’d come back with you here.”

  “The park by your house, will it be crowded?”

  “Most people are at school or work right now, so doubt it.”

  “Come on, we’ll go for a little bit, then get some ice cream, yeah?’

  She gives me a little smile. “Yeah.”

  Her parents carpooled to work, leaving us a car, and I don’t say anything when we take it just to go less than a mile away.

  There’s only one guy skating around, wearing headphones and not paying attention to us.

  Jordan’s never been one of those people who stands around taking it all in before she starts skating. When she gets to a skatepark, she’s off without another word like she can’t wait a second longer. Today, she drops her board to the ground and stares at her foot on it, unmoving. I wait a few seconds, my heart dropping to my stomach at the sight.

  I want to tell her it’s no big deal, we can go do something else. Maybe she needs more time. But something tells me more time will make whatever it is inside of her fester. I’ve never experienced what she’s going through, and it’s possible I’m royally fucking this up, but I go with my gut.

  “I’m gonna ride down that ramp. Come over there and meet me, I’ll grab you at the bottom.” It’s ridiculous, something I would have said to Naomi when she was just learning, not to one of the world’s best. But we’ve got to start somewhere.

  After skating down the ramp I pick up my board and turn to wait for her.

  She’s at least looking up at me instead of at the ground now. Well, maybe not at me, but in my general direction. Her head isn’t really focused on the small ramp in front of her. She could go down it with her eyes closed. Probably while balancing a book on her head. No, there’s something else running through her brain, and I’m not sure I want to know what it is. Seconds turn to minutes and I start to wonder what my next move will be. Finally, she pushes off and coasts forward. With another kick, she rushes down the ramp, and a few seconds later she’s in my arms. Jordan’s panting like she just completed a five-minute session in the bowl. It’s barely in the fifties, and sweat beads her forehead.

  “Okay, I’m ready for ice cream now,” she declares.

  “Not yet, do it again. Come on, I’ll walk up with you.”

  Jordan looks up at me in surprise. “Why? This isn’t even fun.”

  I don’t answer, taking her hand and guiding her up the stairs next to the ramp. When we get to the spot we started before, I put down my board and glide back down the ramp, waiting for her again.

  Jordan’s gritting her teeth up there, but it doesn’t take quite as long before she kicks off and glides down to me. She looks just like herself once she’s moving on the board. Smooth and easy, no nerves or second-guessing going on.

  This time when she skates into my chest for me to catch her she looks up. “A couple more times?” she asks.

  We do this simple ramp over and over until she kicks off without hesitation. The last time, she’s right behind me, and zooms past, going up the ramp on the other side before jumping off her board.

  The park’s empty now and I chase after her.

  Jordan doesn’t look happy exactly, but she doesn’t seem tormented either. I’ll take it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jordan

  “You think it’s weird I’m scooping ice cream for my job while you’re about to travel the world for skateboarding competitions?” Beck and I are sitting on a bench behind the The Swirl. It’s way too cold to be eating ice cream outside, but I don’t want to sit inside where I work.

  “No. And anyway, you could be traveling the world for skateboarding competitions too if you wanted.”

  I don’t point out that I can barely skate down a ramp at the moment.

  “You want to tell me what was going on in your head at the park?” he asks.

  “I don’t really know. It’s like I’d be frozen, unable to move forward, and I’d have to talk myself into it.”

  “Huh.”

  “And then when I would talk myself into it, say come on Jordan, just ride forward to Beck, the anxiety stuff I’ve told you about would start to rise up.”

  “But you did it anyway,” Beck says. “You didn’t actually have a panic attack out there.”

  “Yeah, I guess I was fighting it off.” I laugh at how ridiculous it is. “It’s like part of me was convinced something terrible would happen when I skated and it wasn’t worth it.”

  “It’s worth it,” Beck doesn’t hesitate to remind me before taking a lick of ice cream. “In case you forgot.”

  “Having you here helps, Beck.” My throat swells up and I take a lick of my ice cream to hide it. “I still can’t say I regret… telling you not to cancel Shred Live.”

  “And breaking up with me?” he pushes, eyebrows raised.

  “Yeah, if I hadn’t done that you would’ve canceled. Look, I told you before and I mean it. I need you. I needed you today at the park, and in so many little ways. But that doesn’t mean I want you sitting around babysitting me. Just because I can admit it now, I don’t know what that changes.”

  Shit, I had no intention of going there. Not now, not at all during this visit. Maybe never. When I fell asleep last night I’d come to the decision we’d just let it ride as this undefinable thing for as long as possible. But that’s the thing with Beck. We’ve always been real with each other. Maybe not always real with ourselves, but we can’t hide from one another, even when we’ve tried. It should be no surprise just sitting here talking casually ends up being a heart to heart.

  “Hey, it’s okay, Jordan.” Beck puts his free arm around me and pulls me to his side. “We don’t have to decide anything right now, all right? I’m just so damn happy to be here with you, knowing the most important stuff between us hasn’t changed. And knowing you’re letting me be here for you. What you’ve been through, what you’re going through, it’s not easy. I’m glad you need me, because I’m here for it, however much you want, all right?”

  It’s getting too heavy, so I move my lips to his ear. “Just so it’s clear, it’s not only my skateboarding and mental health I need your help with.”

  “It’s not?” Beck plays dumb.

  “There’s another thing that in my experience only you can help with me.”

  Beck’s body tenses a little beneath me. “In your experience?”

  I twist my body, not hearing the playfulness from a second ago. “What?”

  “Did you… have you… been with anyone else since we broke up?”

  I hate that he even has to say “we broke up.” In my mind, I’ve b
een pretending like it never really happened. I’m not sure we’ve necessarily gotten back together, but I don’t want to remember that there was an “ending” to us in the first place. I blame the concussion; I wasn’t in my right mind.

  He’s waiting for my response but I’m so surprised he has to ask it that it takes me a moment to respond. “No, Beck. Just you.”

  “So, nothing with anyone else?”

  I frown, confused why he’s hung up on this. Does he think I’m lying? “Nothing. No kissing. Touching. I don’t even think I flirted with anyone.”

  Then I’m the one freezing. “I don’t really have a right to ask, so I guess maybe I shouldn’t?” We didn’t use a condom last night, but that could mean a lot of things. Maybe he slept with someone, or lots of someones, but used protection? The thought makes the ice cream I just ate churn uncomfortably in my stomach.

  Beck brushes hair from my face. “The first couple weeks over break I was too bummed out to do anything much besides be with my family and skate a little. By the time filming started we were talking again, and I kind of hung on to hope that we’d get back to where we are right now. That’s basically what kept me sane throughout the filming.”

  Now I’m the one pushing, needing reassurance. “So, no one else, nothing like that?”

  He cringes and my body pulls away slightly. “A couple of girls got a little pushy, sloppy. But no, I never went through with any of it.”

  I stare at him. He’s going to have to spell it out for me. I’m not so good at reading between the lines when it comes to this kind of thing.

  “I’m not supposed to talk about filming or the show,” he starts and I find myself pulling farther away. “But I’m not keeping anything from you. I didn’t hook up with anyone during filming, Jordan, but I can’t guarantee the producers won’t try to make it look like I did.”

  “Oh.” My head spins with what he’s saying.

  “It was about skateboarding and the competitions, sure, and it was about all of us hanging out living in a house together while competing against each other. But it was also about who was hooking up with who, and there was a lot of that.”

  Ice cream drips down my cone onto my fingers and I lick it before it can melt too much, even though my stomach isn’t feeling so great.

  “You knew it would be like that, we both did,” Beck says quietly. “But I wasn’t into any of it. It was annoying as hell, to be honest. I was so ready to be done with it after just a few days. I’m sure the show will try to make it seem like I was with someone at least once in order to keep things interesting though.”

  “So, are you saying they have footage that would make it look that way?” I trust Beck, but what exactly is he asking from me here?

  “One girl tried to kiss me, another straddled me, and I was straight up asked if I wanted to hook up, more than once,” he says quickly.

  Beck looks so distraught about all this I can’t help it, I start laughing. “I’m sorry Beck, that actually sounds really obnoxious. I can’t believe you stuck it out.”

  “See? I’m actually holding onto a lot of frustration you didn’t let me quit,” he teases, though I wouldn’t blame him if there’s some truth to it.

  My phone beeps with a text message for the third time in a row, so I take a look. “You want to meet my friends?” I ask Beck.

  “Yeah, definitely.”

  “Good, because you don’t really have a choice. They’re dying to meet you.”

  We start walking to the car as we finish our cones. “By the way,” Beck says, opening my door for me. “There’s some good news about Shred Live.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “It’s airing three months early.”

  “Seriously? That’s in what, five weeks?”

  “Yep. Guess a better slot opened up or something, no clue. I wasn’t sure if it would matter, but as soon as I get a chance I’ll call Vienna about getting the relationship clause to terminate three months earlier too.”

  I don’t know what to say to that. It’s good news yeah, but the contract’s not the only thing that makes me wary of a public relationship with Beck.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Beck

  “You know, I haven’t seen her this happy the whole time she’s been home,” Phoebe tells me as I hand her a dish to dry. We’re at Levi and Devon’s apartment, and the others are on the little balcony outside.

  “I haven’t been this happy in a long time either,” I admit.

  “I mean, it’s not just a matter of happy or sad,” Phoebe goes on. “We were all psyched when we ran into Levi at the beginning of this semester, and he’s grown up but he’s even better than before. Then we met Devon and that was awesome. It definitely brought some light to our girl’s eyes too. She and Levi have always had this bond, and they’re already close again.”

  “Yeah, I can see that,” I agree, grateful the guy is seriously committed to his boyfriend or I’d be struggling with some major jealousy issues.

  “But she hasn’t totally been herself until tonight. So yeah, that’s what I’m saying.”

  “I think it’s because she finally got out on her skateboard.”

  “I was wondering about that,” Phoebe says, glancing behind her. She dries the last dish and we turn around, watching the others through the screen door. “I didn’t know for sure, but I suspected she hadn’t been skating much. At first I thought she was going solo and wasn’t telling us because she hadn’t been cleared yet and didn’t want us worrying. I mean, it was really only the bigger features in the park she needed to stay away from. But then she got cleared, and she still won’t come with the rest of us when we all go.”

  “Today was the first day she’s skated since the crash. Maybe it’s wrong for me to tell you if she didn’t tell you herself, but I know you’re her best friend. Besides, I have to leave in a couple of days, and someone’s going to have to drag her out there.”

  “Drag her out there? Really?”

  “Basically. I think she’ll be after it again soon, but she needs…” I hesitate, not exactly sure I know what it is she needs. “To keep showing up, I guess. It’ll click and come back and she’ll be herself again on a skateboard but I don’t think that’s going to happen if she doesn’t skate at all.”

  “Yeah Beck, we’ll get her out there. I’m more of a fair-weather skater, but I’ll up my game. I skate to get around campus, but only hit the parks if it’s a nice day and I’ve got some free time. Devon’s really into it though, so we’ll all drag her with us.”

  “Thanks, it’ll help knowing she’s in good hands.”

  “What? She didn’t tell you all about her kickass friends from little ol’ Hartsville?”

  “Oh, she told me all about you, we even met for second on Facetime, remember? But you’re better in person.”

  “You are too, Beck,” Phoebe tells me.

  We clink beer bottles and then, I guess both feeling the love, go for a hug too.

  “Hey! Are you hitting on my boyfriend, Phoebs? Break it up, you two.”

  Jordan’s come inside and she’s got her eyebrows raised in mock disapproval.

  “Did you say boyfriend?” I ask.

  “For today, at least,” she says with a shrug. I know she wouldn’t purposefully play with my emotions, so what’s that comment supposed to mean?

  “Labels are dumb,” Phoebe says. “Just do your thing, who cares what everyone else calls it?”

  Jordan wags a finger at her friend. “Coming from the girl who threatened to stop speaking to Wyatt if he didn’t start telling people she was his girlfriend.”

  “That was in seventh grade! Totally different. Girls were hitting on him and he was all like, ‘Phoebe’s just my friend.’”

  Wyatt walks in then. “Is that voice supposed to be imitating me? Because it sounds like Bert. Sesame Street Bert.”

  Levi’s right behind him. “You actually kind of sounded that way in seventh grade, man.” He turns to Devon. “He had a rough time with the vo
ice change.”

  “Anyway, that was totally different. My point is, I think it’s dumb you two have to strategize about everything with your relationship. I know Beck’s kind of famous in California and all,” she starts, but Devon cuts her off.

  “He’s famous everywhere for skateboarders.”

  “Okay, well whatever. I think you guys should just say fuck it to the rest of the world and pretend they don’t exist. At least for a while.”

  “That’s kind of what we’ve been doing. This weekend at least. But thanks for that super helpful advice, Phoebs.”

  I watch Jordan’s demeanor start to shift, and I know she’s thinking about how it turned out last time we went with the “fuck it” approach. She’s probably thinking about all the reasons why that would still be a bad idea.

  Not wanting her to go down that road, I ask, “So, anywhere good to skateboard around here at night?”

  Devon tells us there’s a park not too far that we can skate to. Jordan might look momentarily happy about my suggestion, but if she can’t get herself there on her board for whatever reason, my idea will put a real damper on the night.

  “We’ll meet you guys there in our car. We might head straight back to Jordan’s place afterward.”

  Everyone in the apartment knows, or suspects, what’s up with Jordan and skating, but no one says anything about it.

  She doesn’t say much on the ride over, and I can tell she’s in her own head. Maybe psyching herself up or maybe thinking about something else entirely.

  Lamps are still on, illuminating the park. It’s pretty cold out, but I’m surprised it’s empty on a Friday night.

  “Skateboarding’s really not that popular around here, huh?” I ask as we get out and make our way over.

  “I guess people in a college town would rather party on a Friday night.”

  “Maybe. If they had a park on the Summerside campus, it might just be our crew on Friday nights too.”

  “Makes me kinda sad we won’t all be there together again,” Jordan admits.

  “What do you mean? We will. Naomi and Summer will be seniors. Taylor graduates but like Griff, the Summerside and Callaway area will always be home base.”