by Honor Gable
I'm able to nick more potatoes than before because of the sack-like thing Nina made for me from scraps she filched from the textile factory. It has a long strap for across my body under my dress, hanging down low enough, I can easily slip things into it. It's where I keep my toothbrush too. Our block is pretty good about lack of theft, but I'm not taking a chance with my toothbrush.
There's no way I'm going home with rotten or missing teeth.
I'm already hideous enough with no fat between my skin and bones, scars from the sores and flea bites joining the ones I already had, hair cropped close to my head. I'm not going to have ruined teeth too.
Twelve bone breaking hours later, we're back at the barracks and pouring the soup down Lore's throat. She chokes it down, lending her enough strength to line up outside. At the end, she's shaking so badly she needs help walking. My heart pounds in fear, and the word no screams over and over in my head. She's twelve years old. She hasn't seen life outside of this hellhole. She can't die. Please, no.
We get her up to the bed, where she clutches her stomach and moans, her eyes pinched.
Henri frowns. "Can't you do something?"
I've been wondering the same thing. "I'm not sure. But it's definitely time to try." I've been too scared to. If I try and it doesn't work, hope is gone. Henri moves into a new position, one hiding us from everyone else.
With hands holding both of hers, I pour every emotion into her. I let down every wall I've put up inside me to protect my heart. The grief, pain, guilt, terror, horror, hate, heartbreak, and a thousand other emotions flood me. Drown me. Suffocate me.
I'm back in Fresnes being held under water. I'm covered in Theo's blood. I'm watching Nina's head explode. I'm starving in a tiny concrete room. I'm strapped to a table and experimented on. And on and on and on it goes.
No more.
Tears fall down my face unchecked as I check Lore. I release a screech under my breath. She's the same. Still hot as hell and coughing and weak.
"Does whatever you do not work on illness?"
"I don't know. I've never tried before. I've never been one to get sick, so I don't even know if illness would heal in me."
Henri frowns and raises her brows. I sigh. And tell her everything in hushed whispers. When I reach the end her eyes are moons and her mouth is a fish's. I'd laugh if I wasn't so worried and terrified.
With a shake of my hands, I try again with Lore. Hopelessness and desperation is what has worked both times before and I have plenty of both. Why isn't it working now? I try so hard I'm shaking and soaked with sweat.
Henri glances back and forth between us, worry darkening her face. "Try again tomorrow. You'll be no help if you kill yourself trying to fix her."
I curl around Lore like I did with Henri just a few days ago. Her breathing hitches, but she's still alive.
For now.
CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
VIOLA
Xavier and Axel dig the three graves themselves, growling at anyone who tries to approach or help. Xavier ignores his bullet wound, wincing with each bite of the shovel into the ground. I sit in the shade of the house and watch, my eyes dry and throat burning. Axel lost two of his people. Men whose names I didn't even know. Rivka wanders over and plops down beside me. I tuck my knees under my chin, not wanting her to touch me.
If she does, I'll shatter.
The shadows grow around us, and I automatically search for signs of Lois, choking back the sob of pain at the remembrance. I scrub my hands against my legs, still able to feel the blood spilling from her body and coating my skin.
I'm ready to go home.
I can't lose Rivka too.
With a sigh turning into a groan, I tuck my head on Rivka's shoulder. Giving into the pain, letting it wash over me.
But the tears I keep trapped, draining them back down my throat.
Rivka's arm snakes around my back and snuggles closer to me. And there we sit, the grating noise of shovels in rocks and dirt the only sound in the garden. It raises goosebumps all along my arms and an ache in my teeth.
Once they've finished, Xavier and Axel gesture to the others. Theo and another man carry the bodies over to the graves. I shut my eyes, unable to watch them being dumped into the holes.
Rivka and I pull apart as we reach for the flowers Yvette gathered for us earlier. Just wildflowers, but somehow it seems more fitting for Lois. I pray and plan one day to bring her back to England where she belongs. I hate we have to leave her here, but at least she won't be alone. She'll have Yvette and the others for company.
Xavier handles our makeshift funerals, speaking a few words about the bravery and sacrifices of those at our feet. I tune him out, instead remembering her as she joins Audrey in haunting me. Memories of her ferocity and protectiveness. Her nightmares. Racing with her through trees. Her somehow taking on the role of leader and Rivka respecting her enough to let her.
What will we do without her?
Theo starts singing a song I recognize. And my heart breaks a little bit more. Les Marseilles. One by one our voices join his as we sing our comrades to the heavens.
VOICES RAISED IN FURY wakes me from my broken slumber. Rivka is already shoving on her boots when I open my eyes.
"What's going on?"
"I don't know, but it's obviously nothing good."
Dread slows my movements, my heart not ready for more bad things. More horrible things. Rivka frowns at me in impatience so I leave my boots untied and trail behind her from the house. I almost turn back around and run for the bed and cover my head at the sight before me.
Theo is crumpled on the ground, hands tied behind his back, and blood covering the bottom half of his face. Xavier and Axel stand in each other's faces in front of Theo, screaming back at forth in French too rapid for my exhausted brain to follow at first.
When it clicks, I sink to my knees with a thud so loud it breaks up the men's argument. They stare at us with wide and ravaged eyes for a moment. "Tell me it's not true."
Xavier opens his mouth, but can't force any words out. Instead, he nods. And I die a little inside at the mewling noise coming from Rivka's throat.
Axel alone retains his ability to speak. "I'm sorry, girls. It's true. One of the boys saw him hiding out and trying to make his way to the Nazis. And he's admitted to it."
No. Please, Lord, no.
With a screech, I launch myself to my feet and at Theo's face, fingernails drawing more blood from him. But not enough. Never enough. Hands drag me back and refuse to let go. I scream names at him, and they fall on him like blows.
I save the two worst for last and they're whispers he flinches from the worst. "Elodie. Justine." I spit on him, watching it slide down his cheek. "I thought you loved her. You bastard."
He opens his mouth, maybe to explain or justify, but he doesn't get the chance before Axel backhands him, sending him face first into the dirt. I notice with the slightest bit of satisfaction that there was a little chicken excrement right where his mouth landed.
Tired of fighting against Xavier's grip, I slump, letting him drag me back a few more feet. My chest rises and falls with violent thoughts. I want to kill him with my bare hands. How could he? Why? For money? In exchange for his life? Audrey is stuck in a camp and Lois is dead. Because of him.
Rivka kneels down beside me, pushing away Xavier, reaching for me with trembling arms, helping me to my feet. Her face is twisted with a snarl and her eyes blaze so brightly her brown eyes are almost gold. Scared her powers are about to emerge, I grip her tight, hurting her, but the gold fades from her eyes leaving both of us shaken.
We turn to Xavier, ready for answers.
He obliges. "He's been in the Gestapo's pocket since before your team arrived. For money. At least at first. Then he says so they wouldn't kill him." He pauses to scowl at Theo. "He's the reason the rest of our team was arrested and the reason we lost Justine and the reason they found the Maquis. The people who were hiding Jews. He's also the reason the two missions here
were compromised. Everything that's gone wrong these last months have been because of him and his greed."
The bleeding bastard. Silent screams tear at my throat.
Axel steps forward. "And for that and the lives of my men, he will die."
"What?" I shake my head back and forth. "You're going to execute him right here?"
Xavier sighs. "It's what we have to do. It's not like we have police or a jail we can leave him in. He knows too much and could cause more deaths and arrests."
"But—" I trail off, unsure of what to say. Should I even be arguing with them? Shouldn't he die for what he did? For Audrey and Lois? We've killed plenty of Germans for less, granted in much different circumstances.
Axel interrupts my thoughts. "I know he's your comrade, so I will do it."
Xavier scowls and shakes his head. "No, I'm the one who brought him here. It's my responsibility."
Theo's voice overrides theirs. "Kill me. I deserve it. I got in too deep. I didn't mean for so many to die. I didn't mean for Justine—" He chokes off, tears and torment in his eyes. "I'm so sorry. Just kill me. Kill me. End it. I'm a coward. Please end it. I don't want to die a coward. Kill me. It'll be the one right thing I do in this war. End it. Please."
Xavier and Axel go back and forth like that, repeating themselves, getting louder and louder. Theo keeps begging for death and crying, snot and tears coating his face. My brain swells until I'm certain it'll burst, my logic fighting with my heart. The argument drowns out everything in my head and I want to cover my ears and scream. It’s all too much, images and ghosts battering at me. I should have stayed in prison. Nothing we’ve done is worth this.
Xavier and Axel grow louder, their booming voices echoing inside my skull.
They have to stop.
The booming report of the pistol yanks me back to myself.
The splatter of blood and brain matter raises gorge up my throat.
The gun falls from numb fingers and I fall to my knees in a crimson pool and dinner makes a reappearance beside Theo's dead body.
What have I done?
Hands much gentler this time, pick me up and Axel's gruff tones reach through the snarls in my brain. "Take your girl inside and get her cleaned up. I'll take care of this mess." Someone else takes hold of me and I'm carried into the house.
Rivka's voice is quiet, but cold. "Nowhere near the others."
"Absolutely not."
The black tries to take me, but I refuse to let it.
Xavier leaves me in the tub upstairs and Rivka and Yvette get right to work. I squeeze my eyes shut so I don't see the stuff they brush from my hair or the color the water turns. But behind closed eyes, I see Theo with a hole in his head, Lois broken and bleeding, Audrey bent and grey and on and on and on until I'm screaming inside.
They help me from the tub and clothe me in soft, worn fabric the color of lavender. Then, I'm tucked into a soft bed under a pile of blankets. Yvette disappears, but Rivka sits in the seat beside me.
She brushes the hair from my eyes. "Your hair's getting long." Her lips quirk at my frown. "Sorry. Try to get some sleep."
I close my eyes, but raise up with a gasp. "I can't. Not right now."
She doesn't ask questions, but with a firm hand against my shoulder, she forces me back down. "Then don't sleep, but lie here for a bit. And just to let you know. I was reaching for my gun, but you beat me to it by only a couple seconds."
The floodgates open, and I finally let the horror and pain out. She climbs in beside me, her cheeks soaked. We hold each other and grieve and shake and crawl from the pit.
And somehow, we fall asleep.
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
AUDREY
The day is here. Henri's leaving. It's only been two days since Nina died and Lore is still barely hanging on.
I can't fight the tears and be strong as Henri wraps her arms around me. Snot drips from my nose as I squeeze her back with all my strength. "There's still time. We could hide you." I shove the potatoes and carrots I've stolen into her pockets. I can get more, there's no telling what she's facing.
Her head shakes against mine. "No. I won't have others in danger because they couldn't find me. Besides, it might not be too bad."
Why do I have to lose everyone I love? I'd just started allowing myself to depend on people. Look where it's gotten me. "I hate this."
"I know. But we'll find each other after this is over. Paris will be liberated any day, it won't be long now. Promise me something." She pulls back to look into my eyes. "Promise me you won't do something stupid and get yourself killed. And keep Lore safe."
The elephant in my throat is hard to swallow past. "I'll try. If she gets better. And you promise to stay alive. Do whatever it takes."
"I will. And you can save her. I know it. You'll figure it out."
I mop my face with my sleeve as she grabs a few of the women in quick last hugs. We only have a few minutes before they'll come for her. This is the downside to pretending to be healthy. You get sent away so they can work you into the grave. What will happen to Lore if I'm chosen?
I won't be strong or selfless enough to go. I'll hide.
With a last kiss of Lore's forehead, Henri leaves, joining the others who go with her today.
Lore hacks a wet cough, barely conscious enough to realize Henri is gone. I hold it together until Lore slips completely back into sleep and the other women of the block go back to their own business.
It's Russian Literature night, and I'm glad to skip it. No Tolstoy or that other one for me.
Henri loves both of those authors and hated to miss tonight.
Turning away from them grouping together, I give in to the sobs that have been building inside me for days. Weeks. Months. I fold into myself, plenty of space between Lore and myself now that Nina and Henri are gone. Gisele is busy leading the class.
They're gone.
And Lore is trying to follow them.
Trying to leave me. Just like everyone else.
I don't want to be alone.
CHAPTER SIXTY
VIOLA
We troop into the outskirts of Paris on leaden feet, grief and weariness wilting us. Some sort of strange din drones in my ears, but I can't place it. Rivka stumbles and I reach out to catch her, barely able to keep from collapsing under her weight. We've got to find food and a place to rest. The last of our rations ran out yesterday and I was never able to replenish myself after using my powers so much and the miracle Rivka pulled off took its toll on her too. Our powers may be stronger, but we aren't invincible.
Even Xavier, normally so stoic, has dragging feet and hollow eyes. His wound is hurting him, though he hasn't complained other than a few grunts and constant pinched eyes. I haven't been able to sleep since every time I close my eyes I see Lois choking on her own blood, showing more bravery than any I've ever seen before. Or Theo's head exploding at my hands. The pain in my chest refuses to dissipate, pressing and widening the hole Lois left. A hole resting side by side with the one from Audrey. Beside the black spot staining me.
"How long before we can sit down?" Rivka asks, her shaking voice making a lie of her blank expression.
Xavier sighs. "We should be in the middle of Paris in less than half an hour. Hopefully." He winces and hunches his hurt shoulder.
I stick my fingers in my ears and wiggle them around unable to shake the sound. "Am I the only one who hears that noise?"
"What?" Xavier cocks his head. "Wait. What is that?"
Rivka mimics his movement, a frown furrowing her brow.
It's some sort of clangor ebbing and flowing like music, but I don't think it's music. Our pace picks up, fear and curiosity fueling our strides. What's happened? I wish I had more energy left, so I could dart ahead and scout out what kind of trouble we're headed for. Rivka glances over at me and raises her eyebrows. I reach deep inside, fiddling with my wrist, no longer encased by the bracelet, scabbed over holes ringing it instead.
The slightest rush and acidi
c pain responds. "If I don't have enough to make it back I'll meet you at Jade's flat."
"What're you talking about?" Xavier asks.
I leave Rivka to explain, not wanting the last bit of power to disappear before I can use it and run a few steps to warm up before I let go, pushing myself with everything in me. I keep to back alleys and shadows, following the sounds, careful under the midday sun. The further I travel, the stronger my dread. The streets are deserted, no long queues for bread or rations, no one searching the garbage for any slight scrap of food or something else useful, no soldiers, no children.
Nothing.
My feet echo on the empty cobblestone streets, the only sound filling the silence other than the growing noise from the center of the city. I still can't tell what it is, but it's louder. In a way it reminds me of the sound of football games. I went to one as a child with Dorothy and her family. Sebastian had been furious I was allowed to go and he wasn't, but Mum put her foot down for once, worried about me. I'd gotten pale and dark-eyed from waiting on him that year he turned twelve. He was such a wanker that year, spoiled and convinced I was born to do whatever he said. I used to fantasize about running away and living in that meadow by the pond. Or to London and taking work as a maid. Any place where I could breathe and go outside without being guilted for weeks after.
Some place I was free.
Now all I want is to be back there with him.
The game had been so fun, crazy football fans yelling and fighting and it was one of the best days of my life. Afterward, being at home was even harder, but it gave me a little more steel. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me for this. Especially if he finds out what I've done to keep him safe. There won't be any gratitude over what I gave up, it'll be what he didn't get to do. And fury I put myself through something so awful. I never want him to carry that weight.
I wish I didn't have to.
