Don't Think. Just Breathe. (TNT trilogy Book 1)

by Sarah Delany

  “This can’t be all you’re going to eat?” I ask, examining her measly tray of food.

  She follows my eyes to her tray and responds with, “I’m not a big eater.” She tries to justify her choices but I’m not buying it.

  “Here, add this,” I say, as I grab a punnet of grapes. On second thought, “Oh and this too,” I add, handing her a double chocolate chip muffin because all girls love chocolate right? She looks at me as if I’m insane for giving her more food but I could care less, she needs to eat. She’s too skinny. As she’s contemplating on how she will eat it all, I pile my tray up with sandwiches, pizza, fries, oranges, a muffin and an apple. Being a growing boy, I never get full. Rafe and Scott behind me are doing exactly the same thing. When my tray is full, I lead the way to a table by the window. If we can’t be outside, we might as well get some sun shining on us while we eat. Tamsyn sits down and I take a seat next to her wanting to be as close to her as I can.

  Before I start digging into my food, I ask her, “How did you find the dissection? I noticed you weren’t as anxious as you were yesterday.”

  She angles her body to face me, taking my hand in both of hers and with a twinkle in her eye she says, “I wouldn’t have gotten through class without you. I’m truly grateful.” She’s staring at me with big, bright eyes and I can tell she is being genuine.

  “It was nothing. I would have done the same for any of my friends,” I tell her truthfully.

  “Hmmm, I think we are going to be the best of friends,” she says, with a huge smile on her face. She drops my hand, turns back to her food and grabs the muffin. Rafe and Scott sit down a moment later and it proves my suspicions. It was their presence making her pull away from me. Maybe she doesn’t want them to see how affectionate we’ve become. It might be weird if they saw us being intimate with each other when she has a boyfriend.

  The guys being guys, start bringing up gross details about the eyeball and how the fluid squirted from their one when Scott cut it. I’m sure it’s for Tamsyn’s benefit and they have her giggling the whole time. She’s so busy laughing and enjoying herself; I don’t think she realises she ate her whole muffin, apple, sandwich and half of her grapes. I think it’s the most food I’ve ever seen her consume since I’ve known her. It’s nice to see this side of her. Eating and laughing instead of being closed off and distant. I smile to myself, hoping I’m the reason behind her new found smiles.

  “Tate, how come you didn’t make it to English?” Scott throws me off with his question. With the dissection taking so long, I had forgotten about my previous melt down.

  “Something came up I needed to take care of,” I lie, but I hope it sounds convincing. I see Tamsyn peer up at me. I wasn’t convincing enough. I get the feeling she doubts me. Luckily, Scott isn’t bothered by my answer so the topic gets dropped which I’m thankful for. I don’t want pity from them, especially Tamsyn, if I have to explain my panic attacks.

  Vibrations coming from my pocket have me tugging my phone out and staring at the screen. I stare at the caller display but choose not to answer, letting the call go to voicemail instead.

  Three sets of eyes stare at me and Rafe dares to ask, “Aren’t you going to answer?”

  “Nah, it’s just my dad,” I casually answer, putting my phone away and continue eating my food. All of a sudden, there’s an eerie silence so I glance up from my tray and watch the guys and their expressions. Their concerned eyes are focussed on the girl beside me. Turning her way, I shatter. The broken girl I met that first night has appeared. Her head is down, her shoulders are folding in on themselves as if she can make herself so small we won’t notice she’s there. I’m clueless as to what caused her change in mood so suddenly.

  “Tamsyn?” I ask cautiously, but she doesn’t move. She’s too far gone in her mind, she can’t hear me. With a screech, I push my chair back and kneel before her, turning her chair my way. I turn to the guys for help but they sit there unmoving not knowing what to do. I grasp her tiny hands in mine, they are shaking. I try to catch her eye but I can’t so I grab her chin between my finger and thumb and lift her eyes up. Pools of tears sit contained on her eyelids, waiting to fall. Her eyes are aimed at me but they are vacant. Her spirit has deserted her body, not being able to handle the emotion she’s feeling. My broken girl is making me break right along with her. I will keep trying until I succeed.

  “Tamsyn?” I whisper softly, trying to draw her back to me but it still doesn’t work. My worry for Tamsyn overrides what the guys might think if they hear me. “Sweetness?” I say, hoping my name for her will get through the barricade keeping me out. It works! Her eyes show some life behind them once again but the stream of tears start falling down her face. “Tell me what’s wrong please?” I ask, pleading with her.

  She answers, whimpering, “Your dad,” but I don’t understand.

  “Are you upset I didn’t answer my dad’s call?” I ask her, still a bit confused.

  That one line out of my mouth takes her away from me and a rage I’ve never seen on her before unleashes, “Don’t you know I’d give anything to get a call from my dad?” The air from my lungs whooshing out of me as I connect the dots too late. “You sat there and ignored him like he didn’t matter. Who cares what he was going to say. He’s worried about you because it’s what good fathers do. And he must be a good father to have raised someone like you. But you took him for granted. He won’t be around forever and you’ll regret it when he’s gone.” She’s huffing now, out of breath from her speech but I can see the fire in her eyes.

  “Sweetness, please,” I don’t know what to say right now.

  “I’m gonna go,” she tells me, grabbing her things and before I can plead with her to stay, she’s gone. I stay on my knees, completely lost until a hand on my shoulder brings me back to the present. She’s right, I deserved it.

  “Come on dude, up you get,” Rafe says, as he sticks out a hand to help me. Accepting his help, I drop into my chair. Blurry vision has me blinking and water splatters my face. What the hell? I swipe at my face and the realisation hits me; I’m crying. I chance a glance at the guys and their wide eyed stares bore into me. I see Rafe pulling his phone from his pocket probably texting JP, alerting him something is wrong. My breathing speeds up and I know a panic attack isn’t far off. I hate how out of control they make me feel. I do the one thing I can think of. I grab my bag and run. This time my feet don’t stop until I get home, locking myself in my room and letting the uninvited tears wash away my pain.

  ---Tamsyn---

  My whole body is shaking and the volcano has erupted. I’m going to the one place I feel safe at this school...my sanctuary. It’s empty as most students are still in class so I lock myself in my favoured stall. Dropping the seat, I climb up holding myself together because this time I broke myself. I didn’t mean to take my feelings out on Tate. He didn’t deserve it. And I did it in front of his friends too. Oh my gosh! What do they think of me now? I can’t believe I did that. My breaking heart physically pains me enough, I rub my chest to soothe it. I wish I could fade away right now. Jealousy seeps through my veins. All because of a simple phone call. Tate has a dad who’s alive to receive calls from and he ignored him. It’s not fair. I want my dad back. Why did he have to die?

  I sit in the stall until the end of school. Girls come in and out not thinking anything of the occupied stall at the end and who could be hiding inside. I should leave but my feet won’t move. I still clutch my legs to me, as if I can hold myself together from falling apart permanently. The door swinging open draws my attention to it because two familiar voices follow. It’s Leyla and Chloe. I can tell they’re standing in front of the mirror checking their makeup because neither one went into a stall.

  “So is Blake coming around tonight?” Chloe asks intrigued. Blake. Why are they talking about Blake?

  “Yeah, he’s been around every night this week,” Leyla excitedly tells her.
I’m confused but I stay as quiet as I can to continue eavesdropping.

  “Did he say if he’s going to break up with her yet?” Chloe asks, and the air leaves my lungs. Blake and Leyla are together? Behind my back?

  “Yeah, he said he’s waiting for the right time. He still feels sorry for her because of her dad dying. Like I care; I want them broken up so I can proudly say he’s mine. It’s been long enough. It will be our three month anniversary next week, you know?” she smugly tells Chloe.

  “OMG that is soooo cute,” I hear Chloe say enthusiastically. They exit the bathroom leaving me behind in a state of shock at their sudden revelation. I knew they were bitches but I never thought it was directed at me. And Blake. He’s been with her for three months?? Why not break up with me instead of dragging this out? Utterly betrayed and alone. Why am I always alone? I have no one.

  I need to get out of here and get home. I’m not going with Blake. I would rather walk than get in a car with him right now. The coast is clear so I release the hold on my legs. They’re all stiff from being cramped up for so long. I exit the stall and quickly assess my appearance in the mirror. I know I look like utter shit but I couldn’t care less right now. I want to get home. I’ll be safe at home. I keep my head down as I exit the bathroom and try to pass unseen through the school corridors. Unfortunately I have to go out to the car park to get to the front gate. As I’m making my escape, I hear my name called in the not so friendly voice I remember from the other night. Shit, not now. I don’t need this now.

  “Tamsyn!” he yells louder, the closer he gets. Before I can make a run for it, he grabs my shirt sleeve roughly and halts my escape. He twists me towards him and doesn’t mask his anger. It’s written all over his face. He’s pissed. The car park is still half full, with people taking their time to leave today. “I thought I told you not to hurt him, Tamsyn,” his gruff voice makes me tremble.

  “I didn’t mean to,” I explain, while fighting back more tears. JP doesn’t care about my tears, he cares about Tate. Here he is fighting for Tate while I’m alone with nobody fighting for me. Why can’t he see my struggle? Why can’t he see I’m at breaking point? He’s pulled an audience now. They can sense his anger towards me and want in on the gossip as to why. “Is he alright?” I try to find out but he chuckles at me.

  “What do you think? Of course, he’s not alright. He took off and I have no clue where he is. I told you he was vulnerable and to leave him alone. But no, the Ice Queen couldn’t help hurt someone else, could she?” He spits his vehemence at me. Past his shoulder I spot Rafe and Scott coming towards us. They try to stop him but they get there too late. His last line breaks me. “I don’t know what he sees in you. Stay away from him. I will do whatever I have to, to keep him safe from the likes of you.” My world stops for a second, I’m on a downward spiral and there’s no coming back for me. My brain takes the lid off the containment and it spews out at JP in a haunting, shrill voice I don’t recognise

  “You need to keep him safe? What about me? Why doesn’t anyone want to keep me safe? Why doesn’t anyone see me struggling?” My words take on a life of their own, being directed at everyone in the near vicinity. “I’m right in front of you drowning but you don’t see. You don’t care. Why won’t anyone save me?” My eyes zoom in on JP and my voice lowers as my essence deserts me, leaving nothing in its place. “You can see the pain on my face yet you choose to continue to beat me down and break me. Don’t worry. Now I know I’m beyond being saved.” With my last ounce of energy I sprint away; away from all my brokenness, away from the loneliness and away from me.

  Chapter 11

  ---Tate---

  I’ve been in my room since I left school early. I managed to contain my panic attack. I did my breathing exercises. The run home helped too. Letting my tears run until they dried helped make me numb again. I’ve pushed the reset button on my emotions, where they wait until they fill up and blow over again.

  I’m listening to some music when I hear a loud ‘BANG, BANG, BANG’. I ignore it knowing it’s likely JP, worried about me. I bet Rafe filled him in on what happened at the cafeteria. I don’t want to see him and have to explain myself. It was bad enough the guys saw me cry, I don’t want to relive it with JP.

  ‘BANG, BANG, BANG’ There he goes again. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to leave me alone. I get off my bed, determined to open the door so he can see my face and then close it again. However when I open it, I’m shocked at what I see. JP stands there with a bloody nose and what appears to be the start of a black eye.

  “What the fuck?” I say, then notice Rafe and Scott are behind him.

  “We need to talk,” is all JP says, as he pushes past me into my room with Rafe and Scott filing in behind him.

  “What the hell happened to you?” I ask him, ready to fight whoever did it to him.

  “He deserved it,” Scott casually says, and my eyes shift to him. I see his knuckles are all bloodied and busted up. My eyes bulge out of my head from shock. What a day to miss school.

  “Yeah, I probably did deserve it but we got more important issues bro.” The guilt washes over his face and makes me uneasy in the pit of my stomach. I sit back on my bed so I’m better prepared for what they are about to say.

  “It’s Tamsyn,” JP says, as all the air is forced from my lungs.

  “What happened?” I manage to croak, my throat suddenly dry. With his head held in shame, he says, “The guys told me what she said to you so I confronted her in the car park after school. I yelled at her.”

  As my anger builds towards JP, Rafe pipes in with, “He didn’t yell at her, he went off his rocker at her. Scott and I tried to get him to calm him down but he was too far gone.”

  Then Scott adds the kicker, “And it’s not the worst part. Tamsyn broke down and started screaming all this tortured stuff at him. She said she was beyond being saved then ran away.” With those words, the spear returns to my gut and twists.

  Immediately I’m on my feet, “Where is she?” I direct at no one in particular.

  “We don’t know,” they all say in unison, with shame on their faces.

  My rage is still simmering so I turn my eyes to JP, glaring at him and say, “If something has happened to her, I’ll never forgive you. I told you she reminded me of her. You should have known better. This could have pushed her over the edge.” His head sags to his chest letting my words sink in. I am always so helpless when it comes to the women in my life. For once, I need something to go my way.

  “Does anyone have her number?” They all peer at each other, shaking their heads. “Damn it,” I mutter. “How long has it been since school finished?” I ask, not knowing the time as I’ve been cocooned in my room.

  “It’s been a few hours. We tried driving around to find her. But we couldn’t. She ran off and we don’t know in which direction,” Scott tells me.

  “Did you check her house?” I ask, trying to get as much information as I can.

  “We drove past it but nobody was home. We followed the route we thought she may have taken but didn’t come across her,” JP says quietly.

  “Take me to her house. I’ll knock on the door,” I tell JP, as I put on my socks and sneakers, determined to find her.

  “Okay, let’s all go. I’m worried about her too,” Scott informs me, and it makes me pause for a second. I scan the room and take in all their expressions. They range from guilt, worry and concern. Maybe they care about her as much as I do.

  We all pile into JP’s car and he speeds straight to Tamsyn’s house, running a few close orange lights on the way. As he parks up right outside her house, we have no plan in place. I want to barge up there and bang down the door but the others don’t think it’s a good idea. Rafe the charmer is in charge and we all agree to follow his lead. Four big guys walking up to Tamsyn’s front door must look weird, but Rafe has a way with everyone so he’s sure he can charm Tamsyn
’s mum if he needs to. He knocks on the door and we wait. Nothing happens.

  “Shit, no one is here,” Scott says, from behind me.

  “Try again,” I tell Rafe impatiently. I’m shaking from wanting to know she’s alright. Please let her be alright. Rafe knocks again on the door, this time much longer and louder. A few moments pass and we can hear loud hurried footsteps coming to the door. Please be Tamsyn, I beg. The door is wrenched open and a short dishevelled lady with big brown eyes and chocolate brown hair, the same as Tamsyn’s, stands there. I focus on the woman before us, she’s on the verge of tears.

  “Hi Mrs. Winter, I’m Rafe Trenton. You might know my mum, Sharon Trenton, from the school’s bake sales through the years.” Her eyes lift up to the sound of Rafe’s cheery voice and the wheels spin behind her eyes trying to place Sharon.

  “Oh yes dear, I remember Sharon, how is she?” she asks.

  “She’s good ma’am. She always said you made the best peanut brownies at the bake sales,” Rafe uses his most charming voice, trying to build a rapport with her.

  She chuckles with sadness, saying, “Oh, she’s too kind. Now how can I help you gentlemen?”

  “We are all good friends of Tamsyn’s mam but none of us have her number. We were worried about her so we thought we would pop around to see her,” Rafe tells her honestly. I don’t think it is a good idea because in this day and age, what good friend wouldn’t have her number. Relief washes over her face though, so it must have worked.

  “Oh thank goodness, come in,” she says, quickly grabbing Rafe’s shirt and pulling him through the doorway with us all following.

  “What’s wrong? ” I ask, now we’re inside her home. Tamsyn’s mum wrings her hands as she paces back and forth.

  “You’re good friends with her? Do you know where Blake is?” her mum questions.

  “Don’t worry about Blake right now mam, Tate here is probably closer to Tamsyn now than Blake is,” he says, smiling at her then turns to me and sticks his bottom lip out and shrugs, suggesting it’s true. Her mum studies me. She’s never met me so I don’t blame her.