Don't Think. Just Breathe. (TNT trilogy Book 1)

by Sarah Delany

  With glistening eyes her mum fixes her gaze on Tamsyn and gently says, “I’d feel better if I knew the guys were with you tonight, if that’s okay with you?” Tamsyn nods with understanding. She knows she scared her mum so much her mum is worried what she will do in the night if let alone.

  We finish off the pizza, surprisingly leaving two untouched which go into the fridge in case we are in need of a midnight snack. Tanya ushers the guys upstairs to help her with the mattresses and puts them to work. I sit with Tamsyn watching her sneakily out of the corner of my eye. She ate two slices of pizza. I guess I should be grateful she’s eaten anything at all considering the day she’s had. She must be tired after the day’s events. Thinking back over the past twenty-four hours, I can’t believe all that’s happened. It’s like one big roller coaster, jutting and jarring us from every angle possible. I hear the guys’ laughter from the lounge and it drags me and Tamsyn from our seats. We walk in there to investigate and find Rafe and Scott both holding a side of the T.V intending to carry it upstairs, I presume.

  “What’s going on?” Tamsyn asks them.

  “We are following Tanya’s instructions. She wants us to set it up in the room so we can Netflix and chill,” Scott informs her. Scott’s revelation has Rafe laughing in hysterics at Tanya’s use of lingo.

  “She’s down with the four-one-one apparently,” Rafe says, which brings a smile to Tamsyn’s face. Her smile is all that matters. They continue to lug the huge T.V. up the stairs, maneuvering it as they go.

  “There’s a bathroom down here Tate where you can shower,” Tamsyn says, leading me down the hall to the side of the kitchen. I follow her with her dad’s clothes in my hand. “Here you go,” she says as she pushes the door open. It’s identical to the one upstairs but this one at least still has the door attached. “Do you need anything else?” she asks, peering into my eyes. Can she hear my own silent screams I wonder?

  “No, I’ll be fine,” I tell her. She gives my hand a squeeze.

  “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything but JP said you’ve been having panic attacks for a while now.” She must see the worry cross my face. Did he spill my secrets? She reassures me, “He didn’t tell us why they happen or anything, but if you ever want to talk, I want you to know I’m here.” I calmly draw a breath in. My secrets are still safe. I grasp her neck and pull her into me, laying a soft kiss on her forehead.

  “Thanks, Sweetness,” I say. “I’ll meet you in your room when I’m done,” I say, smiling at her as she walks away when I close the door.

  I stand under the water, letting it pelt down on me and regain control over myself. Maybe I’ve been silly to think it was a good idea trying to help her. She’s making me lose control. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. I shut down my mind so I can focus on getting through the night. She’s had a hard day. Focus on her, I tell myself. I shut the water off and change into the unfamiliar clothes, my feet leading me up the stairs towards her.

  When I enter, I take in the room. They’ve lined three single mattresses in a row to form one big bed on the floor. All covered with sheets, pillows and blankets like a real slumber party set up.

  Her mum joins us in the packed room a few minutes later with hands full of junk food. She’s carrying bags of chips, chocolate, lollies and biscuits. I notice JP and Rafe’s eyes light up with glee at the prospect of stuffing their faces with all those delicious treats. Her mum dumps the load of goods onto the mattresses and then goes to exit the room.

  “Enjoy yourself kids. I’m right down the hall, if you need anything,” she says to me and the guys, with a hidden meaning. If we need her help with Tamsyn, we know where to find her. “And leave the door open, please,” she says, with a small smile directed my way. I’m guessing she can see my feelings for her daughter written all over my face. She hooks the door back on her exit as JP grabs the remote, scrolling through the movies finding one for us to watch.

  “Tamsyn, any ideas on what we should watch?” he asks, flicking his eyes her way.

  “Whatever you want is fine. I’m tired so I’ll probably be asleep soon,” she tells him. The boys all kick off their shoes and socks. Rafe takes his school shirt off while the other two keep their shirts on. Since they’ve been trying to track down Tamsyn since school finished, they haven’t been home to change. They all pick a mattress and get comfortable, leaving me there with nowhere to go.

  Tamsyn whispers to me, “Aren’t they adorable?” I try seeing them from her point of view. It must be weird to her having three huge guys all set up on her floor, ready to watch a movie and sleep over. She takes a few steps to her bed and gets under the covers then looks up at me through her lashes. She doesn’t say anything as she pats the side of her bed. I smile at her invitation and get under the covers. We both move our pillows behind our backs to sit up and watch the movie. JP chooses some action flick, but my thoughts are too absorbed in the fact I’m in a bed with Tamsyn.

  She’s different now to how she was this morning. She started today off with a huge genuine smile and now she’s ending it a lot more broken than she probably expected to be. She must sense my eyes on her as her gaze leaves the T.V and comes to me.

  A single tear drops down her cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb, keeping my hand there to cup her cheek. She closes her eyes and turns her hand into my touch, craving the connection. The boys’ laughter comes from the floor. I’d forgotten they were there for a minute, too engrossed in Tamsyn. They’re so focussed on the movie; they don’t pay any attention to us. It’s been long enough without her in my arms; I need to have her there so my body will be at peace. I drop my hand from her face, grab her waist and pull her back into my chest. Turning us on to our sides so she’s moulded into me, I cuddle my arms around her, one under her head and the other draped across her waist pulling her as close to me as I can. Her hand rests on my arm, clinging to me, needing me as much as I need her at this moment. She fits perfectly like she’s made for me. I can’t help it. I take a deep inhale of her neck, needing the fix. She’s still here and she’s okay, I tell myself, trying to ease the ache in my chest.

  Her breathing evens out, so before she falls to sleep I whisper, “Goodnight, Sweetness,” delivering a small kiss to the side of her bare neck making her shiver. With a smile upon my face, I let sleep take over me. I’m not frightened of the dreams plaguing me and causing me nothing but pain. I am at peace for a fleeting moment in time, because I have her in my arms. Even if she is a possible trigger for me, at this moment in time, there’s no place in the world I would rather be.

  Chapter 13

  ---Tamsyn---

  I wake up surrounded by warmth. A weight is pressed against my back and hot breath kisses my neck. Slowly awareness dawns on me and I remember flashes of yesterday. Tate. The guys. Pizza. Tate’s warm arm still holds me close to his chest like he has all night. His other arm is still under my neck with my head resting on it, using it as a pillow. I hear snores coming from the floor. I let their kindness and worry for me seep into me. They came for me. They saved me last night from myself. I don’t know where I’d be if they hadn’t; especially Tate. I haven’t done anything to deserve his kindness, but still he gives it to me without asking for anything in return.

  He scared me with his panic attack. What tortures him so much it causes extreme panic like that? My poor sweet boy. The thought has me snuggling in closer to him. His leg is positioned across my hip, pushing me into the bed as if he was worried I might disappear in the night and wanted to stop me from leaving. As I wriggle to get closer to him, I notice his breath changes. It speeds up as he realises I’m awake.

  “Sweetness?” he whispers into the dark. My whole body tingles with the use of my name. I don’t dare answer though trying to feign sleep. “Sweetness?” he whispers again, this time granting me a soft kiss to the side of my neck. This time I can’t ignore it, not when he’s playing dirty. I giggle quietly. H
e uses his arms to twist me around so I’m facing him. I still rest on his arm which now cradles me close to him, wrapping around my back. Pulling my head to his chest, he drapes his other arm around me. I place my leg between his, wanting to close the distance as much as possible. “Hi,” he whispers into my ear.

  I lift my head gazing up at him, while he peers down at me and say, “Hi,” back.

  “How are you feeling?” he asks, always worried about me.

  “Better than yesterday, that’s for sure. What about you?” I tell him, because it’s the truth.

  “I’m good. Do you think you’re up to school or are you going to miss today?” he asks me. I hadn’t thought about it. A day to stay at home, resting and collecting my thoughts sounds good.

  “I might miss today. I don’t think I’m up to being around many people. Plus I don’t think I would be able to concentrate much at school.”

  “It sounds like a good idea. I’ll miss you though,” he says, as he brushes the hair from my forehead, tucking it behind my ear. Bringing his forehead to mine, he rests it there. We both breathe and as we do, our breaths sync with each other, breathing as one. I want to drift off back to sleep in Tate’s warm embrace but my mum has other ideas. Knocking on the door has me and Tate pulling away from each other quickly. I hear a few grunts and groans from the floor, signalling the boys are waking up from my mum’s intrusion into their sleep.

  “Time to get up boys, if you want to get to school on time,” she yells loudly, making sure she wakes the sleepy stragglers on the floor.

  “We’re up,” I hear JP say, yawning loudly from his place down below.

  “Would you boys like some breakfast before you go?” my mum asks them.

  “No, we’re fine Tanya. We will get going so we aren’t late. Thanks for letting us stay the night,” JP says, thanking her.

  “I should thank you for staying. It took a weight off my mind knowing you were here too,” she says, with a misty smile. The boys get up and try to start cleaning the makeshift beds but my mum won’t have it, shooing them out the door before they can do anything. Tate lingers in bed with me, reluctant to leave.

  “You better go, you don’t want to be late,” I tell him unenthusiastically, not wanting him to go.

  “You have a good day resting,” he says, with a small smile. Leaning up on his elbow he bends down and plants a kiss to my forehead then flings the covers back. Grabbing his shoes and socks, Tate gives me a sad smile as he leaves the room to join the others. I can hear them thanking my mum again as they leave. The loud closing of the front door signifies they’ve gone.

  My mum comes back into my room and asks, “Do you feel up to going to school today?” I shake my head, already having made up my mind to stay home. She sits down on the side of my bed and I can tell she’s got something on her mind. “Do you want to talk about anything?” she asks me but again I shake my head. “It’s fine dear, you don’t have to talk to me but I think you need to talk to someone. You can’t bottle this stuff in because yesterday was not good for either of us. I want you to see a grief counsellor or a therapist. I think I could probably benefit from a grief counsellor myself. So, I’ll do some research today, shall I?” she asks, with hope in her voice.

  “Okay Mum, sounds good,” I tell her. I don’t want her to worry about me any more than she needs to. I think talking to someone would help me.

  “I should probably ring someone to fix the bathroom door too. You should have seen Tate in action. He kicked it right off its hinges like a dashing fireman,” she says. So Tate broke the door. I was curious but I didn’t want to ask.

  She adjusts herself, getting a bit more comfortable on my bed and looking at her face, I see a mischievous grin spread across it.

  “Soooo, those boys are delightful, aren’t they?” she says, and I know exactly where this is headed.

  “Yes Mum, they are,” I try to tell her, giving away as little information as possible.

  “When did you become friends with them?” Her nosiness is in full steam now and I don’t think I can stop the train.

  “Recently, so not long,” I tell her honestly, because it hasn’t been long at all. I don’t know if I would have classed JP as a friend before yesterday.

  She continues with her inquisition and gets to the question she wanted the answer to all along, “Are you and Tate an item? I thought you were still with Blake?” And there it is; the reason for all her questioning. I let out a frustrated breath, because when I think of Blake it makes me mad and annoyed. She senses my frustration and places a hand on my legs which are snuggled under the blankets. “What is it dear?”

  Of their own volition, the words come out of my mouth in an unexpected frenzy, “I found out yesterday Blake has been seeing Leyla behind my back for a few months now, three to be exact. I don’t know why he didn’t break up with me first. My so called friends are bitches behind my back. They made the message clear yesterday. To be honest, it doesn’t matter as it hasn’t been the same with me and Blake for a while now. We’ve been over except neither one of us officially ended it.”

  She sits still, taking it all in then says, “So how does Tate come into the picture?”

  “He was an unexpected surprise. He moved in with his aunt and uncle shortly before school started this year. He was new to the school and didn’t have many friends. For some reason, he could see how much I was struggling when no one else could and tried to help me,” I say, dropping my head not wanting to make mum feel guilty.

  “I’m glad he was there for you honey. I don’t know what to say about Blake and Leyla. Trust your gut though, it will always lead you in the right direction,” she says warmly. I think she’s taken a liking to Tate. She liked all the boys, which is nice in a weird way.

  “Do you know what caused his panic attack?” she asks with concern. I shake my head not having a clue. Done with her enquiries, she says “Did you want to do anything today or get some rest?”

  “Rest. I might go back to sleep for a bit if it’s okay with you? It was a long day yesterday.”

  She smiles at me as she gets up, running her hand over my hair. “It’s fine dear, you get some rest.” She leans forward kissing my head and walks to the door closing it on her way out. I do want to get some sleep, so I get up and hunt through my school bag locating my phone. It’s battery is low, so I plug it into the charger. No calls or texts from my so called friends so they must not have heard about my freak out yesterday. I send Blake a message, telling him not to bother picking me up today as I’m sick and not going to school. I wish I could text Tate, missing him already but I still don’t have his number. Sighing, I put my phone on vibrate, hop back into bed and go back through the conversation I had with JP when Tate left during his panic attack.

  Tate sits there and I sense the moment he changes. His chest is rising and falling so fast, trying to catch a breath. I’ve never witnessed a panic attack before so it scares me not knowing what is wrong with him. A wall goes up between us and I can’t break through the barrier. I’m so helpless. He hastily removes me from his lap like he can’t get away fast enough from me. Was it something I did? I scream for JP and he comes barrelling in with worry dripping from his face. He knows exactly what to do to help Tate.

  After Tate shoots off outside, JP explains to us about Tate, “Tate suffers from panic attacks. It’s not my business to tell you what the main cause is. I’m sure Tate will tell you in his own time. He does get triggered though.” He glances at me quickly before he averts his stare and I wonder if it’s me, was I the trigger this time? “He can usually get himself under control by focussing on his breathing exercises but other times, running helps. You can never tell which will work but if you notice them happening, try to get him to calm his breathing. It usually does the trick,” he finishes. The guys are as worried as I am about Tate. My mum is a bit shaken too. Tate’s a big guy and to see him vulnerable is he
artbreaking.

  “Come on everyone. I’m sure Tate wouldn’t want us dwelling on it so let’s head downstairs to eat.” Mum studies my face before she walks out the door with Rafe and Scott behind her. I hear her say, “Boys, I need your help organising something.” This leaves me alone with JP.

  “Will Tate be alright?” I ask JP, before he follows behind them. He turns to me with a sad expression.

  “I hope so,” he says.

  “Was it me triggering him, this time?” I can’t help but ask.

  “To be honest, I’m not sure. He isn’t usually forthcoming about them. But I will say this. This is exactly the reason why I wanted you to be careful with him. You both aren’t in the right headspace at the moment. I worry it won’t be good for either of you to lean on the other too much.” I sway on my feet and JP comes to my side, holding me around the waist. “Are you okay? Let me help you down the stairs. I hope I didn’t upset you, it wasn’t my intention.”

  “No you didn’t. It’s been a big day and it’s taken it out of me,” I lie, as we slowly shuffle to the kitchen.

  “I am sorry about earlier too,” JP says, apologising again.

  “It’s all forgotten now,” I say, trying to ease his guilt.

  I replay the conversation over and over in my head. I must have done something I’m unaware of which set Tate off last night. I wish I could help him like he helps me. I snuggle under the covers, trying to put my mind at ease so sleep will come.

  ---Tate---

  JP drops Rafe and Scott off at their houses to get ready, saying we will be back to pick them up shortly. We decided to ride to school together today. After last night something has shifted. Our already close bond is tighter. Being there for Tamsyn has cemented our friendship in a way I wasn’t expecting and this includes Tamsyn. I don’t know what would have happened if we hadn’t gone to her house. The image of her frail body being pelted by freezing water still burns in the back of my mind. I’ve pushed it aside but it still creeps to the front giving me a glimpse before I manage to push it away again.