Don't Think. Just Breathe. (TNT trilogy Book 1)

by Sarah Delany

  “You’re perfect, exactly as you are, Sweetness. I wish you could see yourself, how I see you,” he softly says, into the darkness surrounding us. He leans in and I know he’s about to kiss my waiting lips but the intrusion of the door opening, has him lifting me up rapidly and dumping me next to him on the couch. I’m too stunned to comprehend what happened, when my mum walks in the door, snapping me out of it. She’s trying to be quiet as she locks the door behind her. Turning around, she spots us on the couch and gives us a quizzical look.

  “What are you two, doing down here?” she asks, as she eyes Tate up and down, probably thinking we were getting up to no good.

  “We were talking Mum, that’s all. How was your night?” I try to distract her by getting her to talk about herself.

  “It was good dear. I need to get out of the house more often, I think. I didn’t realise how much I was shutting myself off from my friends with my grief,” she says.

  “I’m glad you had a good time. You deserve to have a break every now and then. Well we might head up to bed now, Mum,” I tell her, as I pull Tate’s hand to follow me towards the stairs.

  “Leave the door open,” Mum calls behind us. I glance at her over my shoulder and see the smile on her face. We get back to the room and Tate pushes the door so it is clearly open, not wanting to disobey my mum. I get back into bed and shuffle over to the far side and Tate gets in behind me. I face away from him, knowing he will pull me into his naked chest like he does. Wrapped in his warm embrace, he plants a kiss on the back of my head.

  “Night, Sweetness,” he whispers. And with a smile on my face, I drift off to sleep, disappointed we didn’t get to finish what he was clearly going to start downstairs.

  Chapter 19

  ---Tate---

  On Saturday afternoon, I’m lying on my bed, listening to music and remembering last night. My heart is lighter now after telling Tamsyn about Quinn. I didn’t realise how much it was affecting me. All the pain I was keeping inside wasn’t good. I don’t think my parents made the right decision, sending me away. My heart is torn in two. On one hand, I want to be back by Quinn’s side, in case the miracle I pray for, happens. On the other hand, I’ve found Tamsyn now and I don’t think I could bare it, if I had to leave her. I need her as much as she needs me.

  I can’t believe it, I almost kissed her. If her mum hadn’t walked in, I know I would have. It felt right at that moment. I hope it won’t be awkward between us, she was fine this morning. I slept soundly with her encased in my arms and didn’t want to get out of bed. Tanya had come in and told Tamsyn she wanted to take her out for a girls day. I gathered Tamsyn was excited about it, by the gigantic smile on her face.

  JP and Rafe have gone to shoot some hoops but I couldn’t be bothered. I don’t have any energy today. More sleep would be handy but with my brain firing a hundred miles an hour, I don’t think it’s going to happen. I’m way too wired from thinking about my almost kiss with Tamsyn. How did I get so lucky to find a girl like her? I know we are both hurting. It’s why I think we should wait to start something. However every time she is in my arms, it makes it harder not to make her mine. From the way she reacts to me, I’m positive she feels the same. I internally shake myself and try to move my thoughts away from this girl. She occupies so much of my mind these days, there’s no room for anything else. My mind wanders to the dream; the catalyst for me, spilling my guts to Tamsyn.

  It was of Quinn. She was lying in her bare hospital room like she had been the last time I’d seen her. I was standing over her for some reason, holding her hand, pleading with her to wake up. Her eyes had rapidly opened and locked onto me. It was like magic, she was awake, having heard my prayers.

  She’d squeezed my hand so tight and said, “Tate, it’s time to let go now. You have to let go.”

  I pleaded with her saying, “No Quinny, you can’t leave me. You’re my other half. I can’t go on without you.”

  Tears were streaming down my face and she smiled at me and said, “It’s fine Tater Tot, I have to go now. I love you.” When I heard Quinn’s nickname for me, my heart had broken in my dream. My unconsciousness could feel the ache it caused. She’d loosened the grip on my hand and I tried fighting her, clinging to her with all the strength I possessed but she started to fade like a spirit and then she was gone. My other half was gone, and I was left standing alone.

  No wonder I had woken Tamsyn up. My pain must have leaked out of me, it was so strong. My brain is abuzz with too many thoughts now. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think. I switch my music up louder, hoping the bass will drown my thoughts out of my head, before they take root and overwhelm me. Music pounds into my ears, but the swirling images still penetrate through the shield I’ve erected, and reach their destination. The only way I know how to relieve the pressure is to run. I roughly shove my feet into my sneakers and I’m out the door in a rush. My feet pound the pavement as I sprint away, trying to leave the thoughts behind which haunt me.

  ---Tamsyn---

  Today was a great day. I hadn’t realised how much I miss hanging out with my mum. We used to have girls’ days all the time. We would spend them however we fancied, whether it was getting our hair done, manicures or facials, massages or shopping. We’ve both been dominated with grief, we haven’t made time for ourselves or for each other. Today we went and got our neglected cuticles taken care of, getting manicures and pedicures. I got clear polish on my fingers but they are a lot healthier than they were, before we stepped foot in the beauty salon. I wanted something bright on my toenails so I got a hot pink with a bit of shimmer in it. Before I can talk myself out of it, I snap a picture of my newly painted toes and send it to Tate.

  Thinking of Tate has me daydreaming of our moment in the lounge. If my mum had walked in a few minutes later, he would have kissed me. I’ve waited so long to feel his lips on mine. I guess, I’ll have to wait a bit longer, but at least I know he’s on the same page as me. And what the hell? Too busy thinking about the near kiss, I forgot his breaking news. Tate has a twin sister. It’s a pretty big secret to keep. I can see why he kept it to himself. Now I know what he’s been holding in, if I playback moments I’ve had with him, I can see the pain behind his eyes in those moments now. It’s like my brain blocked it from me before, but now the missing puzzle piece is in place, it makes sense and a light bulb has gone on. The light shines on all the times I’ve seen pain etched on his face but my brain didn’t register what it was. Or else my brain knew I couldn’t handle his pain, as well as my own, so it kept it from me. Losing my dad, I have some idea what Tate is going through now, although his situation is different. His whole family is stuck in a holding pattern, unable to go back and unable to move forward. Stuck in the now, waiting and hoping for something to change. I hope he gets the miracle he’s after.

  The guys cleaned up the mattresses before they left, but I told them to leave the T.V. in my room. Mum has a T.V. in her own room so I’m sure she won’t mind me keeping this one, for a while. Now, I can watch movies whenever I want. So that’s where I find myself after my shower. Tucked up in my bed, with a singlet and baggy pajama pants on, with Aliens 2 playing. I might as well go through the whole series we started yesterday. I had managed to stay awake and watch the entire movie, while Tate was the one who fell asleep. I did get a tad distracted by his muscles under my arm, luckily I didn’t do anything embarrassing like rub my face against his bare skin. That would have been awkward.

  A knock at my door draws my attention to it.

  “Is it alright if I go to a movie with my friend, dear? I’ll be gone for a few hours. Will you be okay by yourself?” Mum asks me, anxiously. We had a good talk today and I told her I was past the low point I got to, when they found me in the shower. I told her nothing like that would happen again. I also told her although I loved having the guys stay over, I can’t expect them to give up their lives to babysit me. I still want her to go out and have a
life. She needs to, her life can’t revolve solely around me. It wouldn’t be much of a life, if all she is doing is worrying about me constantly. It wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.

  “I’ll be fine, Mum. Remember what we talked about today? You are going to have to leave me home alone at some point, so might as well be tonight.”

  “If you’re sure?”

  “Yes Mum, I’m sure. I’m already tucked in here to watch movies until I fall asleep, so go.”

  She comes to my bed and leans down to give me a kiss on the head, softly saying, “Thank you, dear. I won’t be long,” as she exits my room. I hear the clicking of the front door behind her as she leaves. Breathe Tam. You can be alone for a few hours. You will be fine. I check my phone but Tate hasn’t replied to my picture. He must be busy. I place the phone back on my bedside table and settle in, starting the movie.

  I’m so engrossed in the movie, halfway through it, when my phone pings from beside my bed, I almost miss it. Distracted by the movie, my hand searches for it, not wanting to take my eyes off the screen, in case I miss a crucial moment. I locate it and open the text.

  T: Hi Sweetness. Sorry for the late reply. Your toes are as sweet as you. What r u doing?

  S: Watching Aliens 2. Mum went to the movies so I thought I’d carry on with what we started yesterday. How was your day?

  T: It’s been filled with thoughts of the kiss we almost had.

  My heart rate speeds up and butterflies erupt in my stomach. He’s going there. I don’t know what to say. Oh my gosh, I better say something fast before he thinks he’s scared me off.

  T: Sweetness?

  S: Yeah.

  T: I’m at your front door. Want to come let me in?

  The butterflies take off and start hitting the sides of my stomach, making me sick with nerves. I thought I would have more time to prepare myself before I saw him again. I throw the covers off and wipe my sweaty palms on my pant legs. Breathe. Just breathe. I brush my hair through with my fingers. Leaving my phone on my bed, I trek down the stairs and timidly open the door. There he stands, leaning on the door frame with one hand, waiting for me. The smile on his face is infectious and I can’t help but return it.

  “Hi,” is all I can think to say.

  “Hi,” he says back. We stare at each other until he says, “Are you going to invite me in?”

  “Oh yeah, sorry come in,” I say, gesturing with my hand to enter. He steps inside while I close the door behind us.

  Before I have time to turn around, I hear him whisper, “Sweetness,” right behind me. I can feel the heat from his body so he must be close. He strokes a finger along my hairline, down my cheek and then moves my hair away from my neck, pushing it gently behind me. I feel his warm breath against my neck as he kisses me there. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers before the warmth leaves me. His grip on my wrist spins me around and before I can react, his hands grip me under my thighs and he lifts me into the air, making my breath hitch as my arms automatically go around his neck to hold on. My legs wrap themselves around his torso as he pushes me gently against the door. His shirt is soaked through, like he ran all the way here. For a second, I see pain streak across his eyes then it’s gone in the same instance, replaced by longing and need. Does he see the same reflection in my eyes?

  “I’m tired of fighting it, I can’t resist you any longer,” he gently says, and he must see the want shining in my eyes because with a peek at my lips, he suddenly moves forward. I hold my breath, close my eyes and wait an eternity for his lips to meet mine. His warm, full mouth presses so softly against mine, I hardly feel the whisper of his kiss. He pulls away but my body takes over from my brain and my own lips reach out for his, needing to feel more. Taking his top lip in between mine, I kiss him and hope he will react. He rewards me by sliding his tongue gently along my bottom lip. I let out the breath I’d been holding and I feel him smile against me. He takes his time, tenderly pressing his lips against me. He pushes me firmly into the door and lets go of one leg, bringing his hand up to caress my jaw. His tongue gently mixes with mine and I get lost in him. His earthy scent surrounds me, increasing my need for him. I tighten my grip around his neck as we explore each other. It’s over too soon and then we are pulling apart. He plants a small kiss on my lips before he puts space between us. His touch lingers after we separate. My breathing is so fast, I’m struggling to catch it. I can hear his own rapid breaths in the quiet.

  He swipes his thumb across my cheek, back and forth, and I hear the smile in his voice when he says, “You can open your eyes, Sweetness.” I slowly peel my eyes open and he’s staring at me with a smile upon his lips. “Hi,” he says.

  “Hi,” I shyly reply.

  “It was well worth the wait,” he says, holding eye contact. The butterflies are flying circles in my belly and I couldn’t agree with him more. He leans in, pressing his lips to my forehead which is now my second favourite place to be kissed by Tate.

  “Should we continue on with the aliens movie marathon?” he asks me. I’m still shocked by what happened, I can’t speak so I nod instead. He steps back from the door but holds me tightly to him and carries me up the stairs. When we enter my room, he releases me and I lower myself to the floor, stepping back.

  “Why are you so sweaty?” I ask him. He’d forgotten he was dripping with sweat.

  “I was running and my feet led me here. They know where they belong,” he states. He’s staring at me and I see the pain creep in behind his eyes. This time it doesn’t disappear. I can feel the vulnerability coming off him as he breaks eye contact and says, “Could I stay with you tonight, Sweetness? I sleep better with you in my arms.” With his confession, my heart melts into a puddle on the ground.

  “Of course. How about you hop in the shower and I’ll find you something of my dad’s to wear so you can take these drenched clothes off,” I suggest, and he nods as he heads to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

  I follow him and get a clean towel out of the linen closet for him. Our fingers brush against each other as I hand it to him and electricity pulses between us. I rush to my mum’s room to find some of my dad’s clothes for him. I look in his drawers she hasn’t gone through yet. I find a pair of boxers that should fit Tate and in case he wants one, I grab a t-shirt. I bring the shirt to my nose, inhaling and getting a faded whiff of my dad. Memories circle for a second, before I push them aside. Just breathe Tam, breathe. I focus my attention back to Tate and hope he chooses to forego the t-shirt. I enjoyed him sleeping without one last night. Carrying the clothes, I take them into my room and place them on the bed and wait for him. It doesn’t take him long before he enters and my eyes bulge out of my head. He has the fluffy white towel wrapped low around his waist. His hair glistening as the water drips onto his bare chest.

  “I’ll let you get changed,” I stammer in my awkwardness, as I leave him alone in the room, closing the door behind me. I wait in the hallway until he opens the door.

  “Where should I put my towel?” he asks, as I ogle him. My prayers are answered, he put the boxers on but not the shirt. I hold out my hand and take the towel for him, go back in the bathroom and put it in the washing basket.

  I want to break the awkwardness so I bound out of the bathroom and cheerily say, “Come on, let’s go watch the rest of the Aliens movie.” I grab his hand and drag him along behind me to the bed. I can’t help the smile stretching across my face, when I notice him push the door wide open, how my mum likes it.

  Flipping the covers, I jump in, he follows and I curl up into his chest, relaxing in my position. We settle in, as I press play and watch the movie. Tate gives me a kiss to the temple and I let out a sigh, content for this moment in time to be here with him, and be safe in his arms. A few minutes pass and I hear gentle snores coming from him. He’s fast asleep. He’s untroubled in this state so I let him be, hoping he will find a moment of peace, from whatever thoughts
plague him. Continuing on with my movie alone, I let myself relax into his arms which are currently wrapped around me.

  Chapter 20

  ---Tamsyn---

  I didn’t hear my mum come home from her movie on Saturday night, but she gave me a small knowing smile as I said goodbye to Tate the next morning. She didn’t mention anything about him staying the night either. I think she still has anxiety in regards to leaving me alone by myself and feels more comfortable if someone is with me. I spent most of Sunday daydreaming about the magical kiss I shared with Tate.

  It’s now Tuesday and I can’t get it out of my mind. He hasn’t tried to kiss me again, giving me pecks on the cheek or kisses to my forehead but nothing else. We haven’t managed to have any time alone though so maybe that’s the reason. One of the guys is always around. The air around us has shifted, more electric in a way. I catch his smiles when he thinks I don’t know he’s looking at me. Every time I catch him, he smiles wider, not caring he got caught, which makes me smile back at him. His smile is contagious.

  As I’m wandering down the hallway to the cafeteria to meet the guys, I spot JP up ahead. He’s pushing past people in a frenzy. What’s that about?

  “JP?” I call out, but he doesn’t hear me as his path clears and he runs towards the cafeteria doors in a hurry. I quicken my pace to catch up to him. Pushing through the swinging doors, I see him crowded by more people, pushing to make his way past. My eyes shift to where JP is desperate to get to and I see Tate by the door lifting his phone to his ear.