The Darkest Winter

by Lindsey Pogue

  “You know, it’s strange,” I said, resting the sock in my lap. “Slana was new and stressful at times, but it eventually felt comfortable, and when we left, it didn’t feel like we were leaving a safe house behind, but our home. Now we’re here, and it’s comfortable again, and when we leave, the process will start all over again.” Jade sat back in her chair to listen. “I guess I didn’t realize amidst the chaos there’s been a sense of belonging too. I didn’t except that.”

  I stared at my thermal tops. I needed more t-shirts, that was another thing I hadn’t prepared for. I wiped the moisture from my brow. The cabin was cozy with the low burning fire in the stove, and the kids huddled over by it, whispering. “Where did you two sneak off to after chores?” I asked.

  “Nowhere,” they said in unison.

  I lifted an eyebrow. “Is that so?” They’d been conspiratorial since they returned. “Maybe you should wash that sap off your hands then,” I told them. “You wouldn’t want to leave any evidence.”

  Beau looked at his hands, then at his sister’s. “Thea,” he groaned, and helped her to her feet. They walked over to the washtub, their whispers fading when they noticed my eyes on them. “I hope you haven’t been getting into trouble. Took might not take you fishing tomorrow.”

  “We didn’t do anything,” Beau gripped, and while part of me wanted to tell him to watch his tone, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. After what happened with the wolf, he’d been distracted, and I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t stop thinking about it either.

  When I looked at Jade, she was watching me. “Parenting is hard,” she said. “More difficult than marriage, and that’s saying something.” We walked to the teapot on the top of the stove and poured two mugs of water.

  “That is saying something,” I echoed, knowing Del wasn’t her first husband. “Have you always lived here?”

  “Yes. My first husband like me to be at home. Once he died, and I married Del, all of that could’ve changed. Del offered to take me to his ranch in Oklahoma, but so much had already changed for Jet, I didn’t want to uproot him from his home too.” She strained the leaves from each mug and brought them over to the table. “Some tea with a little honey,” she said. “Del gets the honey for me during his annual trip to the city every year.”

  “Thank you.” I set my thread and needle aside and blew on the orange-amber liquid. “What kind is it?”

  “A tundra tea. The shrub grows heavy around here. I don’t make it very strong unless I’m using it for medicinal reasons, but I’ve grown to like the taste more over the years.”

  I glanced at the kids, cuddled on the couch with a sheet of paper and color pencils. I glanced up at the artwork on the walls. “Your sketches are beautiful,” I told her. “Do you still draw?”

  Jade folded her glasses and set them on the table. She looked at the sketch of a sunset over the wooded hillside a moment before answering. “Not in a long time. I supposed even out here, life finds a way of keeping you busy. How about you, any hobbies you used to have?”

  I smiled. “Photography. Well, it was my job, but I don’t mean what I used to take photos for cruise lines. I enjoyed taking people photos, but sneaking out in the early morning hours to catch a sunrise always felt like an adventure, something for me to look forward to.”

  “That sounds nice,” Jade mused. “Maybe one day you will take photos again.”

  “Maybe,” I said with a deep sigh and took a sip of tea.

  “Have you and Jackson talked anymore about how long you’ll stay with us?”

  I chuckled. “No, Jackson and I haven’t talked much about anything. Today feels like the first day I’ve had time to breathe much.”

  “Well, you’re welcome to stay as long as you need. And I know Del and Dad are happy to help in any way they can even if Dad grumbles about it.”

  “Thank you, Jade.” I smiled at her, grateful and humbled to have found an extended family in them.

  Her eyes shifted to Beau. “Will you tell Jackson about what happened today?”

  “Yes. When he gets back. I have a lot to tell him.”

  “You’re worried?”

  I nodded. “He won’t be happy with me, and I don’t blame him.”

  Jade didn’t pry, but I could feel her eyes on me as I stared into my mug. “There’s a lot you don’t know, Jade. About me and the kids.”

  Her gaze shifted between me and Beau, and I got the sense she had already assumed, even if she couldn’t put her hand on it.

  “I haven’t been honest with him.”

  Jade placed her hand on mine. I could feel her warmth seeping into me, even through my gloves. “I don’t know where you’ve come from or what you’ve done, but I’ve seen you here—all of you. I know in my heart that whatever has happened probably isn’t as bad as you think.”

  I blinked at her, my eyes burning as the words surfaced. “I’ve done something he will never forgive me for,” I said for the first time out loud.

  “I’m sure that’s not true,” she said. She squeezed my hand more tightly and lowered her voice. “He cares about you. There will be difficulties, but you will work it all out.”

  It was hard not to believe her when she was so certain, but she didn’t understand. “I kil—”

  The snow machines echoed toward the house and I pulled my hand away from Jade. “I guess there’s only one way to find out.[LP108]” I’d spent the past few weeks preparing myself for the conversation I knew would eventually come, and I had no energy left to worry. I had created this mess and whatever unfolded was how it had to be.

  The kids jumped to their feet and were out the door before I could tell them to grab their jackets, and reluctantly I followed them.

  When I stepped outside, Alex and Sophie climbed off one mobile, and Del climbed off the other. They had two sleds of caribou meat, but there was no Jackson.

  When Sophie saw me standing on the porch, her face fell. Alex glanced at me, then Sophie, lingering on me a moment longer, then he went to help Del unload. Sophie stepped up onto the porch. “Jackson knows.”

  I felt relief as the burden of my secret dissolved to nothing, but apprehension quickly followed.

  “He didn’t want to come back with us,” she said. “He needs space.”

  Jade too my hand in hers for a final reassuring squeeze before she greeted Del where he unhitched the sleds.

  “Is he coming back?” I heard myself ask as my eye glazed over. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.

  Sophie shrugged. “But I don’t know where else he’d go.”

  The real question was whether or not he’d stay.

  Chapter 46

  Jackson

  The night I met Elle in Anchorage, I debated whether I should save her life[MOU109], even as the three men surrounded her. It was a split-second of indecision, but I knew I would never forgive myself if I let her die, and no decent person would take the chance, even if she proved to be as crazy as the rest in the end.

  Noticing the kids she was trying to protect, only helped me pull the trigger. And as she stood over her lifeless taunters’ bodies, shaking but determined not to look away, she compelled me to give them a safe place to stay.

  I saw myself in her that night, on the brink of breaking, but instead of giving up or crying, she used her fear to bolster her strength. At least that was what I thought I saw. After the shock of knowing the truth of who she was and what she could do wore off, I questioned everything I thought I knew.

  I stared into the dark forest, drawing closer to the cabin with each step.

  Elle had been lying from the first night I met her. I didn’t blame her for not telling me who she was then, but I blamed her for hiding it the moment she joined me and for hiding it every day since. And her betrayal hurt like a bitch. [LP110]

  The chimney smoke billowed from the main house, and so did the smoke from the skinning shed. Determined to keep my hands and mind busy, I walked toward it.

  “Jackson?” Elle’s voice was a w
hisper that made my chest ache.

  “I’m not talking about this now,” I told her, forcing myself to keep walking. I was still weak around her, and I hadn’t realized how much until tonight.

  “I know you’re angry with me, but there’s something I need to tell you—”

  I spun around. “There’s more? Really?”

  The shadows covered most of her face, but I could imagine the regretful look on her face well enough. Even if I knew she wouldn’t hurt me intentionally, every day she kept her secrets was an intentional decision not to tell me and I was through being ignorant.

  She stepped off the porch into the moonlight, her eyes shimmering.

  I felt senseless satisfaction, knowing she was hurting too.

  “I know I should’ve told you. I was scared—”

  “Scared? You could’ve fried me with one touch and you’re scared of me—?”

  “I would never hurt you—”

  “You already have!” I shouted.

  She flinched and her shoulders straightened.

  “Take those gloves off, they aren’t protecting anybody.” I couldn’t worry about her feelings. She hadn’t bothered to take mine into consideration in any of this. My face burned, like my chest, and I couldn’t catch my breath.

  The door to the cabin cracked open, and Beau stepped outside. “Are you guys okay?” He leaned against the porch post, his brow furrowed in worry.

  Elle[MOU111] wiped the tears from her cheek, and I tried to swallow.

  “Yeah, kid.” My heart squeezed as I realized I whatever world I’d been living in all this time was only a false sense of belonging. “We’re fine.”

  Unwilling to risk more of a scene, I turned on my heels and headed for the skinning shed.

  I opened the door and shut myself inside, trying to catch my breath.

  When I looked up, Took, Del, Alex, and Sophie were looking at me, their faces brightly lit by the lantern light.

  Sophie looked away immediately, cheeks reddened, and Alex and Del looked at me with a sympathy I didn’t want. [LP112]

  “What’s left?” I said and leaned my gun against the wall.

  Del held up his knife. “We learning about the best angle for proper precision and right type of blade.”

  I pulled my jacket off, stepping closer. “Don’t stop on my account.”

  Took handed me the knife in his hand. “I’ll let you take over,” he said. “I need to check on something.”

  Alex pointed to the hind quarter strung up on a crossbeam, waiting to be taken to the smoker. “That one’s ours,” he said. “I’ll hang it up.”

  “I’ll help,” Sophie added, and they disappeared before I could say anything. At least they’d figured things out between them, it seemed.

  “What are we cutting?” I asked, peered down at the slab of meat on the stone top.

  “We’re cutting half the steaks into stew bits. It’s easier to thaw and more versatile that way.”

  I followed his lead, grateful for a task to focus on.

  Del looked at me. “Should I even ask?”

  “Nope.”

  “Have it your own way,” he muttered. We continued cutting until the steak strips were tied and the stew bits were sealed in jars and inside to underground freezer. “We’ll get a new block of ice tomorrow while we’re ice fishing, before the lake completely melts. That will keep everything cold throughout the summer.”

  Tomorrow—summer . . . it all seemed too distant in the future. I needed to get through tonight first.

  “Jackson!”

  I glanced up at the door as it flung open. Elle stood there, eyes red and chest heaving from exertion.

  She winced as she handed me the satellite phone.

  “It’s Ross—he’s trying to reach you.”

  Chapter 47

  Jackson

  I grabbed the phone, my hands trembling as I brought it to my ear, only this time I wasn’t shaking with dreaded, worried I wouldn’t get a response.

  “Ross?” I had to force the word out and I held my breath.

  Muffled movement was all I heard at first. “Jackson? It’s damn good to hear your voice.”

  My heart swelled at the familiar timbre of his voice. “You son of a bitch,” I breathed. I hadn’t experienced joy in so long I’d almost forgotten how light and liberating it was. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve tried calling you for months[SF113].”

  “Where haven’t I been?” he said dryly. “I had to deviate a little.”

  “Yeah, no shit. I almost gave up hope.” I looked at Del, forgetting he was standing there. Then, I looked at Elle. She averted her gaze, chewing her bottom lip.

  I stepped outside, the confinement of the shed getting too warm.

  “I know, brother. It’s been awhile.” I heard a woman whisper something in the background, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying.

  “Is that Kelsey? She’s alive?”

  “Who? Oh, no it’s not Kelsey.”

  I frowned. Who? It had been months since I’d talked to him, and God only knew what he’d been through in between, but he sounded different and being vague. “Where are you?” I asked. “How come you haven’t called.”

  “I’m in Fairbanks,” he said. “I met up with a few survivors. I’m bringing[K114] them with me to Whitehorse; we’re leaving in a couple days.” He’d been in Fairbanks for five months and only now he could get to his satellite phone? “What aren’t you telling me, Ross?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Where the fuck have you been?” I felt like a broken record. “I thought you were dead.”

  He groaned and there was a riffling of movement before he spoke again. “It’s a long story. Nothing I can get into now. You’re still heading to Whitehorse, right?” That I might’ve changed my plans thinking he was dead seemed to worry him, I could hear his apprehension.

  “I’m in St. Elias territory,” I told him, equally vague. “I’m still heading to the lodge. I can be there in a week.” The Yukon had been my idea to begin with. And while I trusted Ross with my life, something was wrong; he didn’t sound like the Ross I remembered anymore.

  I wasn’t the Jackson he knew either. I had to remind myself of that.

  “I’ll call you when we’re ready to leave,” he said.

  “Same.”

  It was quiet for a moment. Ross breathed into the phone and I wondered what else there was to say. If felt like there should’ve been a thousand things, but knowing he was alive was enough, for now.

  “Hey, Jackson,” Ross said, tentative.

  “Yeah?”

  “Stay safe, my man.”

  “You too, brother.” After another hesitant pause, he ended the call.

  I stared at the phone in my hand. It had been glued to me since Anchorage but his calls never came. There had been a hollowness I carried, void of every life I cared about taken, but knowing Ross was alive was like a brimming bowl of sustenance I needed at the perfect moment.[SF115]

  I crouched in the snow on the side of the shed, my chest heavy and my heart full. Elle had hurt me in a way I didn’t even know she could. Ross had spared me what shred of hope I had left, and it all came crashing over me as the truths of the day settled in.

  Tears burned my eyes. Exhaustion solidified. For the first time in months, all I wanted to do was sleep.[LP116]

  Chapter 48

  Elle

  Jackson didn’t want to talk to me, but his anger and what I had done aside, we needed to talk. Everyone knew he’d finally talked to Ross, and it was only a matter of time before he left. Jackson had found his friend, he didn’t have to wait around with us any longer. He still didn’t know about Beau and the wolf either, but maybe he wouldn’t care.

  He’d been gone all night, and while I didn’t blame him for needing his space, now I needed him to put his anger at me aside and do what was needed for the kids.

  Heart in my throat, I walked over to the F-350 where he sorted through the supplies that ha
d scattered on the road. I’d already organized them and taken inventory, but I wouldn’t stop him.

  He glanced up as I approached. “Have you seen the fishing line?” he asked, lifting the lid to the hunting bin. That he acknowledged me at all was a good sign.

  “It’s in the craft box.”

  He glowered. “The craft box?”

  I nodded to the bin beneath the camping supplies behind him. “It’s more of a junk drawer of things, but you’ll find a spool in there.”

  He lifted one bin off the other, ignoring my presence as he rifled through rubber bands and zip ties, the miniature sewing kit and safety pins.

  “I know you don’t want to talk,” I said, straightening my shoulders. “And that’s fine, but the kids—”

  “The kids what?” He found the spool and clicked the lid back onto the box. He lifted it into the bed of the truck.

  “They know you talked to Ross last night and they’re worried.”

  “Why would the kids be worried?” He opened a toolbox, fingering through nuts and bolts.

  I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling my side twinge, but it was bearable. “Are you going to leave?”

  “That was always the plan.” He pulled out a drawer, shut it. Opened another one and shut it just as quickly.

  “What are you looking for?”

  “The sharpening stone.”

  “It’s with the box cutter and scissors in the Do Not Touch bin.”

  He turned back to the truck bed and moved the bins around.

  “Jackson, would you—” I reached for his arm, determined to make him stop for a single second to look at me.

  He paused, glaring at my hand on his bicep, so let it fall away. It wasn’t fear in his eyes, even if he said I was dangerous, it was resentment. “You can be mad at me, but that’s not what this is about—”

  “What is it about, Elle?” [LP117]He straightened and turned around. For the first time since I’d known him it felt like he was looming over me, almost dangerous.

  “They care about you,” I said, my voice barely a whisper. “They think you will leave them.”