Jonah and Co.

by Dornford Yates

  JONAH AND CO.

  CHAPTER I

  HOW BERRY STEPPED INTO THE BREACH, AND JONAH CAME FIRST AND WAS FIRSTSERVED.

  "Shall I massage it?" said Berry. The suggestion was loudly condemned.

  "Right," replied my brother-in-law. "That reduces us to faith-healing.On the command 'One,' make your mind a blank--that shouldn't bedifficult--realise that the agony you aren't suffering is imaginary,and close both legs. One! On the command 'Two'----"

  "You can go," I said wearily. "You can go. I'll write to you when Iwant you. Don't bother to leave your address."

  "But how vulgar," said Berry. "How very vulgar." He paused to glanceat his watch. "Dear me! Half-past ten, and I haven't had my beeryet." He stepped to the door. "Should the pain become excruciating,turn upon the stomach and repeat Kipling's 'If.' Should----"

  My sister and Jill fairly bundled him out of the doorway.

  Sitting by my side upon the bed, Adele laid her cheek against mine.

  "Is it any better, old chap?"

  "The pain's practically stopped," said I, "thank Heaven. Putting itup's done that. But I'm in for a stiff leg, dear. I know that. Notthat that matters really, but it means I can't drive."

  It was unfortunate that, before I had been upon French soil for half anhour, I should be kicked by a testy cab-horse of whose existence--muchless proximity--thanks to the poor lighting of Boulogne, I had beentotally unaware. I had been kicked upon the same knee in 1916. Onthat occasion I had gone with a stiff leg for a fortnight. It seemedunpleasantly probable that history would wholly repeat itself.

  "I can travel," I continued. "I shall be able to walk with a stick,but I shan't be able to drive. And, as Jonah can't drive more than onecar at a time, Berry'll have to take the other."

  At my words Daphne started, and Jill gave a little cry.

  "B-but, Boy, he's only had three lessons."

  "I know, but he'll get through somehow. I'll sit by his side. It'llshorten my life, of course, but what else can we do? Even if Fitch washere, there's no room for a chauffeur. And you'd find towing tediousafter the first five hundred miles."

  With a white forefinger to her lips, my sister regarded me.

  "I know he's a disgrace," she said slowly, "but he's--he's the onlyhusband I've got, Boy, and--he has his points," she concluded softlywith the tenderest smile.

  I stretched out a hand and drew her towards me.

  "Isn't he my only brother, darling? Isn't he--Berry? I'll see hecomes to no harm."

  "You really think it's safe?"

  "Perfectly. For one thing, I shall be able to reach the hand-brakerather more easily than he will...."

  My sister kissed me.

  "I like the sound of that," she said cheerfully.

  It was the fifth day of November, and all six of us were for thePyrenees.

  A month ago Adele and I, new-wed, had visited Pau. We had found theplace good, conceived the idea of spending the winter there, and wiredfor instructions. Within three days we had received four letters.

  The first was from Jill.

  _ADELE DARLING,_

  _How sweet of you both to think of it! We're all simply thrilled. Tryand get one with a palm-tree and some wistaria. We miss you awfully.Tell Boy Nobby is splendid and sends his love. Oh, and he smells hiscoat every day. Isn't it pathetic P My hair won't go like yours, butI'm going to try again. All our love to you and your HUSBAND,_

  _JILL._

  Then came Jonah's.

  _DEAR BOY,_

  _What about tobacco? You might examine the chances of smuggling. I'msending you a hundred cigarettes conspicuously labelled BENGER'S FOOD,to see what happens. I suppose the roads are pretty bad. What aboutfishing?_

  _Yours, JONAH._

  (I subsequently received a curt communication to the effect that therewas a package, addressed to me and purporting to contain "Farine,"lying at the local custom-house. Adele was horrified. I endeavouredto reassure her, tore up the notice, and cursed my cousin savagely.When three days had passed, and I was still at liberty, Adele pluckedup heart, but, for the rest of our visit, upon sight of a gendarme shewas apt to become distrait and lose the thread of her discourse.)

  A letter from Daphne had arrived the next day.

  _DEAREST ADELE,_

  _We're all delighted with the idea._

  _I don't think six months would be too long. I agree that a villawould be much the best, and we're perfectly content to leave theselection to you. You know what room we must have. I suppose twobathrooms would be too much to expect. About servants: we can bringsome, but I think we ought to have a French cook to do the marketing,and perhaps one other to keep her company and help in the kitchen andhouse. Will you see what you can do? Plate and linen, of course, wecan bring. By the way, Madge Willoughby tells me that last year inFrance they had some difficulty about coal; so tell Boy to see if hecan order some now. All this, of course, if you can get a villa._

  _Your loving sister, DAPHNE._

  Berry's came last.

  _DEAR BROTHER,_

  _So we shall ourselves winter this year at Pau?_ Eh bien! _There are,perhaps, worse places. At least, the sun will shine. Ma foi, to thinkthat upon you depend all the arrangements._ Tant pis! _My suite mustface itself south and adjoin the bathroom. Otherwise I cannot answerfor my health, or, for the matter of that, yours either._

  _Kindly omit from your next letter any reference to the mountains."Impressions of the Pyrenees" by a fool who has been married for lessthan three weeks not only are valueless, but make my gorge rise--_uneelevation tres dangereuse.

  _Which brings me to your wife. How is the shrew? Tell her I have somesocks for her to darn on her return._

  _It was thoughtful of you to emphasise the fact that the season ofgreen figs, to a surfeit of which I sincerely hope you will succumb,will be over before I reach Pau. I am inclined to think that the fivehundred cigars George sent you will be over even earlier. Besides, Ishall at once console and distend myself with_ foie gras.

  _We must have a French cook, of course--a very priestess ofGluttony--skilful to lure the timid appetite from the fastness ofsatiety._ Enfin....

  _I ask myself why I shall have made the trouble to write to you. Youhave, of course, an opportunity unique of making a mess with a copperbottom of my life for six months._ Mais, mon Dieu, que vous serez puni!

  Je t'embrasse, vieil haricot, sur les deux joues.

  _BERRY_

  _P.S.--This here letter is a talisman, and should be worn upon theexterior of the abdominal wall during a drought._

  Considering the nature of our holiday, Adele and I did not do so badly.Before we left Pau, I had signed the lease of an attractive villa,standing well in its own grounds and commanding a prospect of themountains as fine as could be. Adele had engaged a Frenchwoman and herdaughter, both of whom were well spoken of, and had been in the serviceof English and American families before the War. A supply of fuel hadbeen reserved and various minor arrangements had been concluded. Erewe were back at White Ladies, October was old.

  It had been Jonah's belated suggestion that our migration should beaccomplished by car. It was Jonah's enterprise that reduced theupheaval of our plans, consequent upon the instant adoption of hisidea, to order and convenience. By the third of November everythinghad been arranged. The heavier stuff had been embarked for Bordeaux;the servants were ready to accompany the rest of the luggage by way ofParis; the Rolls had been sold. In the latter's place we had purchasedtwo smaller cars--both new, both of the same make, both coupes, bothpainted blue. Indeed, but for their numbers, which were consecutive,we could not have told them apart. Each seated threeinside--comfortably, while a respectable quantity of baggage could beeasily bestowed in each of the capacious boots.

  Certainly my cousin's staff work had been superb.

  In the circumstances it seemed hardly fair that upon this, the firstnight of our venture, he should be faced with the labour of
shepherdingboth cars, single-handed, first clear of the Customs, and then, one byone, through the cold, dark streets which led from the quay to thegarage of the hotel.

  As if she had read my thought--

  "Poor Jonah!" said Adele suddenly. "I wonder----"

  A knock upon the door interrupted her.

  This, being opened, admitted Nobby, two porters, our luggage, twowaiters, a large dish of sandwiches, some beer, coffee and itsaccessories, Jonah, and finally Berry.

  "You must be tired," said the latter. "Let's sit down, shall I?" Hesank into a chair. "And how's the comic _patella_? I well remember,when I was in Plumbago, a somewhat similar accident. A largecherry-coloured _gibus_, on its wrong side----"

  "At the present moment," said I, wrestling with the Sealyham'sadvances, "we're more concerned with your future than with your past.It's the Bank of England to a ha'p'orth of figs that to-morrow morningI shall have a stiff leg. Very good." I paused. "Those three lessonsyou've had," I added carelessly, "will come in useful."

  Jonah, who was filling a tumbler, started violently and spilled somebeer. Then he leaned against the wall and began to laugh helplessly.

  Coldly Berry regarded him.

  "I fail," he said stiffly, "to see the point of your mirth. I gatherthat it is proposed to enjoy my services for the propulsion of one ofthe automobiles--that, while you will be responsible for the 'shoving'of Ping, these delicate hands will flick Pong across France. Verygood. Let the Press be informed; call forth the ballad-mongers. Whatwould have been a somewhat sordid drive will become a winged flight,sublime and deathless."

  "I trust so," said Jonah. "Six hundred miles with a fool at the wheelis a tall order, but, if your companions survive the first two days,they ought to pull through. Try not to do more than five pounds' worthof damage to the gallon, won't you?"

  "Sour grapes," said Berry. "The professional reviles the distinguishedamateur."

  "Seriously," said I, "it's no laughing matter."

  "I agree," said Daphne. "You'll have to just crawl along all the way.After all, we've got six months to get there in. Promise me you won'ttry and pass anything."

  "I promise," replied her husband. "Should another vehicle approach,I'll stop the engine and go and hide in a wood till it's gone."

  "Fool," said his wife. "I meant 'overtake anything' of course. Youknow I did. Promise you won't try and rush past things just to get infront of them."

  I took up the cudgels.

  "We've got to get along, darling, and he can't give a promise likethat. You wouldn't want to do fifty miles behind a traction-engine,would you? Remember, I shall be by his side. He may be holding thewheel, but I shall be driving the car. Make him promise to obey meimplicitly, if you like."

  "That's right," said Jill. "You will, won't you, Berry?"

  The latter looked at Adele.

  "Do you also subscribe to my humiliation?" he said.

  Adele smiled and nodded.

  "Unquestionably," she said. "By the time you get to Pau, you'll be anexpert. And then you can teach me."

  "The pill-gilder," said my brother-in-law. "Well, well. So far as inme lies, I'll do as I'm told. But I insist upon plain English. I'mnot going to be suddenly yelled at to 'double-clutch,' or 'feel thebrake,' or 'close the throttle,' or something. It makes me want toburst into tears. That fellow who was teaching me asked me, withoutany warning and in the middle of some sheep, what I should do if one ofmy 'big ends were to run out.' I said I should consult a specialist,but the question upset me. Indirectly, it also upset the shepherd....Which reminds me, I never knew a human being could jump so far. Themoment he felt the radiator...."

  "You never told us this," said Daphne reproachfully. "If I'd knownyou'd knocked somebody down----"

  "I never knocked him down," said Berry. "I tell you he jumped.... Westopped, of course, and explained. He was a little nettled at first,but we parted on the best of terms."

  "It's all very well," said my sister, "but I'd no idea----"

  "Every dog must have his bite," said I, laughing. "He won't do itagain. And now, since I'm tethered, will somebody give me some beer?"

  Then and there supper was consumed.

  A vigorous discussion of the turn events had taken, and the advancementand scrutiny of a variety of high speculations regarding the probablestyle of our progress to Pau, prevailed until past twelve o'clock, butat length the others were evicted, and Adele, Nobby, and I were able toprepare for the night.

  Out of the luxurious silence of a hot bath Adele's voice came floatinginto the bedroom.

  "Boy!"

  "Yes, lady?"

  "I wish I was going with you to-morrow instead of Daphne."

  "So do I," I said heartily.

  Adele sighed. Then--

  "It can't be helped," she said. "I think, on the whole, she would haveworried more than I shall."

  "Not a doubt of it," said I cheerfully. "As she said, Berry's the onlyhusband she's got."

  Adele choked. Presently--

  "The real reason," she said, "is because she mistrusts her husband evenmore than I trust mine."

  When I had worked this out--

  "Aha," I said pleasedly.

  "But then, of course," said Adele, "she's been married much longer."

  * * * * *

  With Rouen as our objective, we left Boulogne the next morning at teno'clock. To speak more accurately, we left the hotel at ten o'clockand Boulogne itself some forty minutes later. The negotiation of anup-gradient leading out of the town was responsible for the delay.

  My sister and I shall remember that hill so long as we live. So, Iimagine, will Berry. We were half-way up when he stopped the enginefor the first time. We were still half-way up when he stopped it forthe eighth time. Indeed, it was at this juncture that I suggested thathe should rest from his labours and smoke a cigarette.

  My brother-in-law shook his head.

  "Shall I slide down backwards and begin again?" he inquired.

  "No, thanks," said I. "I have a foolish preference for facing death."

  "D'you think we could push it up?" said Daphne.

  "Frankly," said I, "I don't. You see, she weighs over a ton withoutthe luggage."

  Berry cleared his throat.

  "I am not," he said, "going through the farce of asking what I dowrong, because I know the answer. It's not the right one, but you seemincapable of giving any other."

  "I am," said I.

  "Well, don't say it," said Berry, "because, if you do, I shall scream.No man born of woman could let in that clutch more slowly, and yet yousay it's too fast. The truth is, there's something wrong with the car."

  "There soon will be," I retorted. "The starter will fail. Then everytime you stop the engine you'll have to get out and crank. That'llmake you think."

  "'Make me think'?" yelled Berry. "D'you think I haven't been thinking?D'you think I'm not thinking now? Haven't I almost burst my brainswith thinking?" Daphne began to laugh helplessly. "That's right,"added her husband savagely. "See the humorous side. I may go mad anyminute, but don't let that stop you." And, with that, he set his footupon the self-starter.

  When he had stopped the engine another three times, he applied thehand-brake with unnecessary violence, sank back in his seat, and foldedhis hands.

  My sister and I clung to one another in an agony of stifled mirth.

  Berry closed his eyes.

  "My work," he said quietly, "is over. I now see that it is ordainedthat we shall not leave this spot. There's probably an angel in theway with a drawn sword, and the car sees it, although we can't. Anyway, I'm not going to fight against Fate. And now don't speak to me.I'm going to dwell on bullock-carts and goat-chaises and otherhorse-drawn vehicles. I shan't last many minutes, and I should like todie in peace."

  With a swift rush, Ping drew up alongside. From its interior Adele,Jill, Nobby and Jonah peered at us excitedly.

  "Hullo!"
said the latter. "What's up?"

  "Go away," said Berry. "Drive on to your doom. An apparition hasappeared to us, warning us not to proceed. It was quite definite aboutit. Good-bye."

  "Jonah, old chap," said I, "I'm afraid you're for it. Unless you takeus up, we shall be here till nightfall."

  With a groan my cousin opened his door and descended into the road....

  One minute later we were at the top of the hill.

  "And now," said Daphne, with the _Michelin Guide_ open upon her knees,"now for Montreuil."

  When five minutes had passed and my brother-in-law was breathingthrough his nose less audibly, I lighted a cigarette and ventured tolook about me.

  It was certainly a fine highway that we were using. Broad, direct,smooth beyond all expectation, it lay like a clean-cut sash upon thecountryside, rippling away into the distance as though it were indeedthat long, long lane that hath no turning. Presently a curve wouldcome to save the face of the proverb, but the bends were few in number,and, as a general rule, did little more than switch the road a point ortwo to east or west, as, the mood took them. There was little traffic,and the surface was dry.

  Something had been said about the two cars keeping together, but I wasnot surprised when Jonah passed us like a whirlwind before we werehalf-way to Samer. He explained afterwards that he had stuck it aslong as he could, but that to hold a car down to twenty on a road likea private racing-track was worse than "pulling."

  Fired by Jonah's example, Berry laid hold of the wheel, and we took thenext hill at twenty-five.

  It was a brilliant day, but the cold was intense, and I think we wereall glad that Pong was a closeable car. That Winter's reign had begunwas most apparent. There was a bleak look upon the country's face:birch-rods that had been poplars made us gaunt avenues: here and therethe cold jewellery of frost was sparkling. I fell to wondering how farsouth we must go to find it warmer.

  Presently we came to Montreuil.

  As we entered the little town--

  "This," said I, "was the headquarters of the British ExpeditionaryForce. From behind these walls----"

  "Don't talk," said Daphne, "or I shall make a mistake. Round to theleft here. Wait a minute. No, that's right. And straight on. What ablessing this _Michelin Guide_ is! Not too fast, Berry. Straight on.This ought to be _Grande Rue_." She peered out of the window. "Yes,that's right. Now, in a minute you turn to the left...."

  After all, I reflected, we had to get to Rouen, and it was past mid-day.

  We had sworn not to lunch before we had passed Abbeville, so, since wehad breakfasted betimes, I furtively encouraged my brother-in-law to"put her along." His response was to overtake and pass a lorry uponthe wrong side, drive an unsuspecting bicyclist into a ditch andswerve, like a drunken sea-gull, to avoid a dead fowl. As we weregoing over forty it was all over before we knew where we were, but theimpression of impending death was vivid and lasting, and nearly aminute had elapsed before I could trust my voice.

  "Are we still alive?" breathed Daphne. "I'm afraid to open my eyes."

  "I think we must be," said I. "At least, I'm still thirsty, if that'sanything to go by."

  "I consider," said Berry, "that the way in which I extricated us fromthat _impasse_ was little short of masterly. That cyclist ought toremember me in his prayers."

  "I don't want to discourage you," I said grimly, "but I shouldn't bankon it."

  The plan of Abbeville, printed in the Guide, was as simple to read aswere my sister's directions to follow. At a critical moment, however,Berry felt unable to turn to the right.

  "The trouble is," he explained, as we plunged into a maze of backstreets, "I've only got two hands and feet. To have got round thatcorner, I should have had to take out the clutch, go into third,release the brake, put out a hand, accelerate, sound the clarion andput the wheel over simultaneously. Now, with seven limbs I could havedone it. With eight, I could also have scratched myself--an operation,I may say, which can be no longer postponed." He drew up before a_charcuterie_ and mopped his face. "What a beautiful bunch ofsausages!" he added. "Shall we get some? Or d'you think they'd bedead before we get to Rouen?"

  In contemptuous silence Daphne lowered her window, accosted the firstpasser-by, and asked the way. An admission that it was possible toreach the Neufchatel road without actually retracing our steps was atlength extracted, and, after a prolonged study of the plan, my sistergave the word to proceed. Save that we twice mounted the pavement,grazed a waggon, and literally brushed an urchin out of the way, ouremergence from Abbeville was accomplished without further incident.

  With the knowledge that, barring accidents, we ought to reach Rouen byhalf-past five, we ventured to devour a wayside lunch some ten minuteslater.

  It was after Neufchatel that the surface of the great grey road arguedneglect in no uncertain terms. For mile after mile, fat bulls ofBasan, in the shape of gigantic pot-holes, gaped threateningly upon us.Berry, who was driving much better, did all that he could, but only atrick-cyclist could have picked his way between them. The carhiccoughed along piteously....

  With the approach of darkness, driving became a burden, being driven aweariness of the flesh, and we were all thankful when we slid down apaved hill into the Cathedral City and, presently, past the greatchurch and on to the very bank of the River Seine.

  The others had been awaiting us for nearly two hours.

  * * * * *

  "With this sun," said Adele, "they ought to be glorious."

  Impiously I reflected that Berry was almost certainly enjoying hisbreakfast in bed.

  "I expect they will," I said abstractedly.

  Adele slid an arm through mine.

  "It's very sweet of you to come with me, Boy."

  I stood still and looked at her.

  "You're a wonderful child," I said. "When you speak like that, I wantto kick myself and burst into song simultaneously. I suppose that'sLove."

  "I expect so," said Adele mischievously.

  Five minutes later we were standing beneath the shadow of ChartresCathedral.

  We had come, my wife and I, to see the windows. The day before hadbeen dull, and what light there was had been failing when we hadvisited the shrine. To-day, however, was all glorious.

  If we had risen early, we had our reward.

  The place had become a gallery with jewels for pictures. Out of thesombre depths the aged webs of magic glowed with the matchless flush ofprecious stones. From every side colours we had not dreamed ofenriched our eyes. To make the great west rose, the world herselfmight have been spoiled of her gems. Looking upon this mystery, no mancan wonder that the art is lost. Clearly it went the way of Babel.For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. Windows the sun was lightingwere at once more real and more magnificent. Crimsons and blues,purples and greens, yellows and violets, blazed with that ancientmajesty which only lives to-day in the peal of a great organ, the callof a silver trumpet, or the proud roll of drums. Out of the gorgeouspageant mote-ridden rays issued like messengers, to badge the cold greystone with tender images and set a smile upon the face of stateliness."Such old, old panes," says someone. "Six hundred years and more. Howwonderful!" Pardon me, but I have seen them, and it is not wonderfulat all. Beneath their spell, centuries shrink to afternoons. Thewindows of Chartres are above Time. They are the peepholes ofImmortality.

  We returned to the hotel in time to contribute to a heated argumentupon the subject of tipping.

  "It's perfectly simple," said Berry. "You think of what you would hateto have given before the War, double it, add forty per cent. for theincreased cost of living, halve it because of the Exchange, ask themwhether they'd like it in notes or gold, and pay them inpostage-stamps."

  "I want to know," said Daphne, "what to give the chambermaid."

  "Eight francs fifty. That's the equivalent of half-a-crown before theWar."

  "Nonsense," said his wife. "Five francs is heaps, and you know it.
"

  "I think it's too much," said Berry. "Give her one instead, and tellher you've hidden the rest in the bathroom and that, when she touchesthe towel-rail, she's warm."

  "As a matter of fact," said Jill uneasily, "it's all over. I've doneit."

  There was a dreadful silence. Then--

  "Tell us the worst," said I, "and get it over."

  "I'm--I'm afraid I gave her rather a lot, but she had a nice face."

  "She had a nice step," said Berry. "I noticed that about five thismorning."

  "How much?" said I relentlessly.

  Jill looked round guiltily.

  "I gave her fifty," she said.

  There was a shriek of laughter.

  "Did she faint?" said Berry. "Or try to eat grass, or anything?"

  Gravely Jill shook her head.

  "She talked a great deal--very fast. I couldn't follow her. And thenshe turned away and began to cry. I was so glad I'd done it."

  "So are we all," said Daphne.

  She was supported heartily.

  Jonah looked at his watch.

  "I suggest," he said, "that we start at eleven, then we shall fetch upin time to see the cathedral."

  "How far is Tours?" said Daphne.

  "Eighty-six miles."

  "Let's keep together to-day," said Jill. "It's much more fun."

  Her brother shook his head.

  "I don't want," he said, "to be arrested for loitering."

  "Don't you worry," said Berry. "We wouldn't be seen with you."

  Jonah sighed.

  "Where there's a will there's a way," he murmured.

  "More," said Berry. "We regard you rather less than the dust beneathour detachable wheels. You pollute the road with your hoghood. Isuppose it's no use asking you to keep behind us."

  "None whatever," replied our cousin. "Why should we?"

  "Well," said Berry, "supposing a tire discovers that I'm driving andbursts with pride, who's going to change the wheel?"

  Jonah stifled a yawn.

  "You can't have it both ways," he said. "If we're to warn people notto shoot at you, we must be in front."

  Berry regarded his finger-nails.

  "Perhaps you're right," he said. "Think of me when you get your thirdpuncture, won't you? And remember that my heart goes out to you inyour tire trouble and that you have all my love. Then you won't sweatso much."

  Half an hour later Pong stormed out of the garage and into the _Placedes Epars_.

  Adele's wish had been granted, and she was travelling with Berry and meinstead of with Jonah.

  For this new order of battle Nobby was solely responsible. Upon thefirst day's journey the terrier had whined all the way to Rouen becausehe had wanted to be with me. As one of his audience, Jonah had beenoffensively outspoken regarding this predilection. Upon the followingday the dog's desire had been gratified, whereupon he had whined allthe way to Chartres because he was apart from Adele. Commenting uponthis unsuspected devotion, Berry had been quite as outspoken as Jonah,and much more offensive. Naturally, to withstand such importunity wasout of the question, and, since it was impossible for me to leaveBerry, the line of least resistance was followed, and Daphne and Adelechanged places.

  Our way out of Chartres was short and simple, and, with the exceptionof temporarily obstructing two trams by the artless expedient ofremaining motionless upon the permanent way, Pong emerged from the citywithout a stain upon his character.

  The Vendome road looked promising and proved excellent. Very soon wewere flying. For all that, Jonah overtook us as we were nearingBonneval....

  It was some thirty minutes later, as we were leaving Chateaudun, that asour-faced _gendarme_ with a blue nose motioned to us to stop.Standing upon the near pavement, the fellow was at once conversing witha postman and looking malevolently in our direction. I think we allscented mischief.

  "What can he want?" growled Berry, as he brought the car to astandstill.

  "He's probably being officious," said I, getting our papers ready."We're strangers, and he's in a bad humour. Consequently, he's goingto scrutinise our _triptyque_, passports, passes and certificates, tosee if he can accuse us of anything. Happily they're all in order, sohe'll be disappointed. When he's thoroughly satisfied that he canbring no charge against us, he'll order us to proceed."

  "He's taking his time about it," observed my brother-in-law.

  I looked up from the documents.

  My gentleman was still talking to the postman, while his pig's eyeswere still surveying the car. From his companion's demeanour, heseemed to be whetting his wit at our expense.

  "This is intolerable," said I. "Ask him what he wants, lady."

  Adele leaned forward and put her head out of the window.

  "I think you wished us to stop, _Monsieur_?"

  The _gendarme_ waved his hand.

  "Wait," he said insolently.

  The postman sniggered shamefacedly.

  Adele sank back in her seat, her cheeks flaming.

  In a voice trembling with passion I conjured Berry to proceed.

  The moment the car moved, the official sprang forward, gesticulatingfuriously.

  As we passed him, I put out my head.

  "Now it's our turn," I said warmly, "to make the postman laugh."

  From the hoarse yells which followed us, it was clear that we had leftthe fellow beside himself with rage. Looking back through the littlewindow, I could see him dancing. Suddenly he stopped, peered after us,and then swung about and ran ridiculously up the street.

  "Blast him, he's going to telephone!" said I. "Where's the map?"

  Together Adele and I pored over the sections.

  "If," said Berry, "you're going to direct me to turn off, for Heaven'ssake be quick about it. At the present moment I'm just blinding alonginto the blue and, for all I know, an oversized hornets' nest. Ofcourse they mayn't sting when there's an 'r' in the month, but thenthey mightn't know that. Or am I thinking of oysters?"

  "They'll stop us at Vendome," said I. "Not before. Right oh! We mustturn to the right at Cloyes and make for St. Calais. We can get roundto Tours that way. It'll take us about twenty miles out of our way,but----"

  "Yes, and when we don't show up at Vendome, they'll wire to Calais.Seriously, as Shakespeare says, I'm all of a doo-dah."

  That we should be stopped at St. Calais was not likely, and I said asmuch. What did worry me, because it was far more probable, was thatwhen they drew blank at Vendome, the authorities would telephone toTours. Any apprehension, however, regarding our reception at that citywas soon mercifully, unmercifully, and somewhat paradoxicallyovershadowed by a more instant anxiety lest we should never arrivethere at all. From the moment we left the main road, the obstacles inthe shape of uncharted roads and villages, pavements, cattle, goats, ahorse fair, and finally a series of appalling gradients, opposed ourpassage. All things considered, my brother-in-law drove admirably.But it was a bad business, and, while my wife and Berry were verystaunch, I think we all regretted that I had been so high with BlueNose.

  Night had fallen ere we slunk into Tours.

  Fully expecting to find that the others had well-nigh given us up, wewere astounded to learn at the hotel that Ping had not yet arrived.Indeed, we had finished dinner, and were debating seriously whether weshould take a hired car and go to seek them, when there was a flurry ofsteps in the corridor, Nobby rushed to the door, and the next momentDaphne and Jill burst into the room.

  "My darling," said Berry, advancing, "where on earth have you been?"

  My sister put her arms about his neck and looked into his eyes.

  "Kiss me 'Good-bye,'" she said. "Jonah's just coming."

  Her husband stared at her. Then--

  "Is it as bad as all that?" he said. "Dear, dear. And how did he getthe booze?"

  Somebody cleared his throat.

  I swung round, to see Jonah regarding us.

  "You three beauties," he said. "Four with Nobby."
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  "But what do you mean?" said Adele. "What have we done?"

  "Done?" cried Jonah. "Done? Where d'you think we've been?"

  "It can't have been goats that stopped you," said Berry, "because I hadall the goats. There was a great rally of goats at St. Calais thisafternoon. It was a wonderful smell--I mean sight."

  "Guess again," said Jonah grimly.

  "You haven't been waiting for us on the road?" said I.

  "You're getting warmer," was the reply.

  Adele gave a sudden cry.

  "O-o-oh, Jonah," she gasped, "you've been at Vendome!"

  I started violently, and Berry, who was about to speak, choked.

  "That's right," said Jonah shortly. "Nice little place--what I saw ofit.... Lovely view from the police-station." He leaned against themantelpiece and lighted a cigarette. "It may amuse you to know," headded, "that the expiation of your crime took us six and a half hoursand cost five hundred francs."

  In response to our thirsty enquiries, the tale came bubbling.

  My surmise that the blue-nosed _gendarme_ would telephone to Vendomehad been well-founded. He had forwarded an exact description of Pong,together with the letters and the first three figures of the fourappearing upon the number-plate. Six minutes later Ping had sailedinnocently into Vendome--and up to her doom....

  The Vendome police could hardly believe their eyes. Here was theoffending car, corresponding in every particular to the one describedto them, admittedly fresh from Chateaudun, yet having covered thethirty-nine kilometres in eleven minutes. It was amazing ... almostincredible ... almost.... Of outlaws, however, all things werecredible--even a speed of one hundred and thirty-six miles an hour.For it was without doubt that outlaw which had flouted Authority atChateaudun. Oh, indubitably. And, having thus flouted Authority, whatwas more natural than that it should endeavour to outstrip theconsequences of its deed? But, _mon Dieu_, what wickedness!

  In vain had Jonah protested and Daphne declared their innocence. Thetelephone was again requisitioned, and the blue-nosed _gendarme_summoned and cross-examined. As luck would have it, he could not speakto the passengers, beyond affirming that they included one man and onewoman.... When he gratuitously added that the reason why he could notswear to the whole of the number was because of the terrible pace atwhich the car was moving, the game was up....

  Finding that the accusation of travelling at a horrifying speed wasassuming a serious look, my sister and cousins at length decided thatthey had no alternative but to give us away. They had, of course,realised that Pong was implicated from the beginning. Consequently,with the flourish of one who has hit upon the solution of a problem,they divulged our existence. They were politely, but whollydisbelieved. In reply, they had politely, but confidently, invited thepolice to wait and see....

  For over four hours they had anxiously awaited the arrival of Pong.When at last the humiliating truth began to dawn upon them, and itbecame evident that we had ruled Vendome out of our itinerary, theshock of realising, not only that they were to be denied an opportunityof refuting the charges preferred, but that they were destined to leavethe town branded as three of the biggest and most unsuccessful liarsever encountered, had well-nigh reduced Daphne and Jill to tears. Andwhen, upon the sickly resumption of negotiations, it appeared highlyprobable that they would not be permitted to proceed, Jill had weptopenly....

  France is nothing if not emotional.

  Visibly affected by her distress, the police had immediately becomeless hostile. Observing this, Daphne had discreetly followed hercousin's example. Before the sledge-hammer blows of their lamentationtwo gendarmes began to sniff and a third broke down. The girlsredoubled their sobs. They were practically there.

  "You never saw anything like it," concluded Jonah. "Within threeminutes four of the police were crying, and the head bottle-washer wasbeating his breast and imploring me in broken accents to explain awaymy guilt. I threw five hundred francs on his desk and covered my eyes.With tears rolling down his cheeks, he pushed the notes under ablotting-pad and wrote laboriously upon a buff sheet. Then a woman wasproduced. Between explosions of distress she made us some tea. Incommon decency we couldn't push off for a while. Besides, I wasn'tquite sure that it was all over. However, everybody seemed tooovercome to say anything, so, after a bit, we chanced it and made amove for the car. To my relief, they actually helped us in, and two ofthem fought as to who should start us up." He looked round coldly."And now, perhaps, you'll be good enough to tell us what we've beenpunished for."

  I told what there was to tell.

  As I came to the end. Berry nodded at Jonah.

  "Yes," he said unctuously, "and let this be a lesson to you, brother."

  Speechless with indignation, our cousin regarded him.

  At length--

  "What d'you mean?" he demanded.

  Berry raised his eyebrows.

  "I hardly think," he said, "the penalty for--er--loitering would havebeen so vindictive."