Jonah and Co.

by Dornford Yates

  CHAPTER VI

  HOW BERRY RAN CONTRABAND GOODS, AND THE DUKE OF PADUA PLIGHTED JILL HISTROTH

  That Jill was in love with the Duke of Padua was only less manifestthan that the Duke of Padua was in love with Jill. Something, however,was wrong. So much our instinct reported. Our reason refused tobelieve it, and, with one consent, we pretended that all was well. Forall that, there lay a shadow athwart the babies' path. Yet the sky wascloudless.... The thing was too hard for us.

  With a sigh, I opened my case and took out a cigarette. Then I handedthe case to Berry. The latter waved it aside and wrinkled his nose.

  "I'm through," he said shortly. "Offal's all very well in anincinerator, if the wind's the right way, but, as a substitute fortobacco--well, it soon palls."

  I closed the case and slid it into my pocket.

  "I must confess," I said, "that I'm nearing the breaking-point."

  "Well, I wish you'd be quick and reach it," said Adele. "How you cango on at all, after finding that fly, I can't imagine."

  She shuddered at the memory.

  Less than a week ago a suspicious protuberance in the line of a localcigarette had attracted my attention. Investigation had revealed thepresence of a perfect, if somewhat withered, specimen of the _muscadomestica_ imbedded in the vegetation which I had been proposing tosmoke. This was too much for the girls, none of whom had since toucheda cigarette, and when my brother-in-law suggested that the fly hadprobably desired cremation, and urged that, however obnoxious, thewishes of the dead should be respected, Daphne had reviled her husbandand requested Jonah to open the door, so that she could sit in adraught.

  We were in a bad way.

  Now that we were in France, the difficulty of obtaining cigars,cigarettes, or tobacco, such as we were used to enjoy, seemed to beinsuperable. The prohibitive duty, the uncertainty and by no meansinfrequent failure of the French mails, brought the cost of procuringsupplies from England to a figure we could not stomach: attempts atpostal smuggling had ended in humiliating failure: the wares whichFrance herself was offering were not at all to our taste. We weregetting desperate. Jonah, who had smoked the same mixture for thirteenyears, was miserable. Berry's affection for a certain brand of cigarsbecame daily more importunate. My liver was suffering....

  "We'd better try getting a licence to import," I said heavily. "It maydo something."

  "Ah," said my brother-in-law, drawing a letter from his pocket, "I knewI had some news for you. I heard from George this morning. I admit Idon't often take advice, but this little missive sounds an unusuallycompelling call.

  "_Above all, do not be inveigled into obtaining or, worse still, actingupon, a so-called 'licence to import.' It is a copper-bottomed have.I got one, when I was in Paris, gleefully ordered five thousandcigarettes from Bond Street, and started to count the days. I soon gottired of that. Three months later I got a dirty form from the Customs,advising me that there was a case of cigarettes, addressed to me, lyingon the wharf at Toulon--yes, Toulon. They added that the charges to bepaid before collection amounted to nine hundred francs by way of duty,eleven hundred and sixty-five by way of freight, and another threefrancs forty for every day they remained in the Custom House. In thisconnection, they begged to point out that they had already lain therefor six weeks. Friend, can you beat it? But what, then, did I do?Why, I took appropriate action. I wrote at once, saying that, as I wasshortly leaving for New York, I should be obliged if they would forwardthem via Liverpool to the Piraeus: I inquired whether they had anyobjection to being paid in roubles: and I advised them that I wasshortly expecting a pantechnicon, purporting to contain furniture, but,in reality, full of mines. These I begged them to handle with greatcare and to keep in a temperature never higher than thirty-sevendegrees Fahrenheit, as they were notoriously sensitive, and Iparticularly wished to receive them intact. I added that thepantechnicon would be consigned to me under another name. A fairknowledge of the French temperament suggests to me that the next two orthree furniture vans which arrive at Toulon will be very stickilywelcomed._"

  I threw away my cigarette and stared at the mountains.

  "'Though every prospect pleases,'" I murmured, "'and only fags arevile.'"

  "The only thing to do," said Adele, "is to have a little sent out fromEngland from time to time, and ration yourselves accordingly."

  Berry shook his head.

  "Easier to stop altogether," he said. "Tobacco's not like food. (I'mnot speaking of the stuff you get here. Some of that is extremely likefood--of a sort. I should think it would, as they say, 'eat lovely.')Neither is it like liquor. You don't carry a flask or a bottle of beerin your hip-pocket--more's the pity. But nobody's equipment iscomplete without a case or a pouch. Why? So that the moment thisparticular appetite asserts itself, it can be gratified. No.Smoking's a vice; and as soon as you clap a vice in a strait-jacket, itloses its charm. A cigar three times a day after meals doesn't cut anyice with me." He tilted his hat over his eyes and sank his chin uponhis chest. "And now don't talk for a bit. I want to concentrate."

  Adele laid a hand upon his arm.

  "One moment," she said. "If the car arrives before you've finished,are we to interrupt you?"

  "Certainly not, darling. Signal to the driver to stop in the middledistance. Oh, and ask approaching pedestrians to keep on the grass.Should any children draw near, advise their nurse that I have themumps."

  We were sitting upon a seat in the Parc Beaumont, revelling in thetemper of the sunshine and the perfection of the air. A furlong away,Daphne, Jill, and Jonah were playing tennis, with Piers, Duke of Padua,to make a fourth. Nobby and a fox-terrier were gambolling upon anadjacent lawn.

  Pau has many virtues, all but one of which may, I suppose, be severallyencountered elsewhere upon the earth. The one, however, is herpeculiar. The place is airy, yet windless. High though she stands,and clear by thirty miles of such shelter as the mountains can give, bysome queer trick of Nature's, upon the map of AEolus Pau and herpleasant precincts are shown as forbidden ground. There is no stiffbreeze to rake the boulevard: there are no gusts to buffet you atcorners: there are no draughts in the streets. The flow of sweet freshair is rich and steady, but it is never stirred. A mile away you maysee dust flying; storm and tempest savage the Pyrenees: upon thegentlest day fidgety puffs fret Biarritz, as puppies plague an oldhound. But Pau is sanctuary. Once in a long, long while some errantblast blunders into the town. Then, for a second of time, the place isBedlam. The uncaught shutters are slammed, the unpegged laundry issent whirling, and, if the time is evening, the naked flames of lampsare blown out. But before a match can be lighted, the air is stillagain. And nobody cares. It was an accident, and Pau knows it.Probably the gust had lost its way and was frightened to death. Such athing will not happen again for two or three months....

  "I like Piers," said Adele suddenly. "But I think he might kiss myhand."

  "How dare you?" said I.

  "I do really," said Adele. "He kisses Daphne's and he actually kissesJill's."

  "That's all wrong," said I. "You don't kiss a maiden's hand."

  "Of course you do," grunted Berry. "A well-bred son of Italy----"

  "But he isn't a son of Italy. He's English on both sides."

  "I'm not talking of his sides," said Berry. "It's a matter of bosom.You may have English forbears, but if they've been Italian dukes fortwo centuries, it's just possible that they've imbibed somethingbesides Chianti. Personally, I think it's a very charming custom. Itsaves wiping your mouth, and----"

  "Well, why doesn't he kiss my hand?" said Adele.

  "Because, sweetheart, you are--were American. And--he's verypunctilious--he probably thinks that a quondam citizen might have nouse for such circumstance."

  "I should," said Adele. "I should just love it. I like Piers."

  I looked across at my brother-in-law.

  "D'you hear that?" I inquired. "She likes him."

  Berry shrugged hi
s shoulders.

  "I told her not to marry you," he said.

  "No, you didn't," said Adele. "You egged me on."

  "Oh, you wicked story," said Berry. "Why, I fairly spread myself onthe brutality of his mouth."

  "You said he was honest, sober, and hard-working."

  "Nonsense," said Berry. "I was talking of somebody else. I have seenhim sober, of course, but---- Besides, you were so precipitate. Youhad an answer for everything. When I spoke of his ears, you said you'dget used to them: and when I asked you if you'd noticed----"

  "I shan't," said Adele. "I mean, I didn't. However, it's done now.And, after all, he's very convenient. If we hadn't got married, Ishouldn't have wintered at Pau. And if I hadn't wintered at Pau, Ishouldn't have met Piers."

  "True," said Berry, "true. There's something in that." He nodded inmy direction. "D'you find he snores much?"

  "Nothing to speak of," said Adele. "Used he to?"

  "Like the devil," said Berry. "The vibration was fearful. We had tohave his room underpinned."

  "Oh, he's quite all right now," said my wife. "Indeed, as husbands go,he's--he's very charming."

  "You don't mean to say you still love him?"

  "I--I believe I do."

  "Oh, the girl's ill," said Berry. "Put your head between your knees,dear, and think of a bullock trying to pass through a turnstile. Andwhy 'as husbands go'? As a distinguished consort, I must protestagainst that irreverent expression."

  "Listen," said Adele, laughing. "All women adore ceremoniousattention--even Americans. The ceremonious attentions of the man theylove are the sweetest of all. It's the tragedy of every happy marriagethat, when comradeship comes in at the door, ceremony flies out of thewindow. Now, my husband's my king. Once he was my courtier. Iwouldn't go back for twenty million worlds, but--I've got a smile forthe old days."

  "I know," said Berry softly. "I know. Years ago Daphne told me thesame. And I tried and tried.... But it wouldn't work somehow. Shewas very sweet about it, and very wise. 'Ceremony,' she said, 'gets asfar as the finger-tips.' I vowed I'd carry it further, but she onlysmiled.... We retired there and then, ceremoniously enough, to dressfor dinner. I'd bathed and changed and got as far as my collar, whenthe stud fell down my back. I pinched it between my shoulder-blades.At that moment she came to the door to see if I was ready...." Hespread out expressive hands. "They talk about the step from thesublime to the ridiculous. We didn't use any stairs; we went down inthe lift. After that I gave up trying. A sense of humour, however,has pulled us through, and now we revile one another."

  "And so, you see," said Adele, slipping an arm through mine, "Piers haswares to offer me which you haven't. The shame of it is, he won'toffer them. Still, he's very nice. The way in which he solemnly takesus all for granted is most attractive. He's as natural as a baby ayear old. He just bows very courteously and then joins in the game.The moment it's over, he makes his bow and retires. We call him Piers:he calls us by our Christian names--and we haven't known him a week.It's not self-confidence; it's just pure innocence."

  "I confess it's remarkable," said I. "And I don't wonder you like him.All the same, I'm sorry----"

  "There!" cried Adele suddenly, pointing across the lawn. "Boy, he'sgone in again."

  I reached the edge of the ornamental water in time to observe theSealyham emerge upon the opposite bank.

  "You naughty dog," said I. "You naughty, wicked dog." Nobby shookhimself gleefully. "No, don't come across. Go round the other way.Go back!"

  The dog hesitated, and, by way of turning the scale, I threw my stickfor him to retrieve. As this left my hand, the hook caught in my cuff,and the cane fell into mid-stream....

  As Nobby climbed out with the stick, the park-keeper arrived--a crabbedgentleman, in a long blue cloak and the deuce of a stew.

  The swans, he said, would be frightened. (There was one swan, threehundred yards away.) Always they were being pursued by bold dogs._Mon Dieu_, but it was shameful. That hounds should march unled in theParc Beaumont was forbidden--absolutely. Not for them to uproot werethe trees and flowers planted. Where, then, was my attachment? And Ihad encouraged my dog. Actually I had made sport for him. He had seenthe deed with his eyes....

  One paw raised, ears pricked, his little head on one side, his smallframe quivering with excitement, his bright brown eyes alight withexpectation, a dripping Nobby regarded us....

  I took a note from my pocket.

  "He is a wicked dog," I said. "There. He pays his fine. As for me, Ishall be punished enough. My home is distant, and I was to havedriven. Now he is wet and must grow dry, so I must walk. I will thinkout his punishment as I go." And, with that, I hooked my cane to thedelinquent's collar and turned away.

  "_Pardon, Monsieur._" The old fellow came shambling after us."_Pardon_, but do not punish him, I pray you." Nobby screwed round hishead and looked at him. "Oh, but how handsome he is! Perhaps he didnot understand. And I should be sorry to think ..." Nobby startedtowards him and moved his tail. "See how he understands. He has theeyes of a dove." He stooped to caress his _protege_. "Ah, but you arecold, my beauty. Unleash him, _Monsieur_, I pray you, that he may warmhimself. I shall not notice him." As I did his bidding, and Nobbycapered away, "_Bon,_" he said pleasedly. "_Bon. Au revoir, monbeau._" He straightened his bowed shoulders and touched his hat. "_Avotre service, Monsieur._"

  I returned thoughtfully to where Adele and Berry were sitting, watchingus closely and pretending that we did not belong to them. So far aspersonal magnetism was concerned, between Nobby and the Duke of Paduathere seemed to be little to choose. To judge by results, the two wereequally irresistible. In the race for the Popularity Stakes the restof the males of our party were simply nowhere.

  With a sigh, a blue coupe slid past me and then slowed down. The greytwo-seater behind it did the same. When I say that Daphne, who loathesmechanics, was seated in the latter conveyance, submitting zealously toan oral examination by Piers regarding the particular functions of thevarious controls, it will be seen that my recent conclusions were wellfounded.

  "Letters," said Jill, getting out of the coupe. "One for Berry and twofor Adele." She distributed them accordingly. "Fitch brought them upon his bicycle. And Piers' aunt is coming--the one whose villa he'sat. I forgot her name, but he says she's awfully nice."

  "Splendid," said I. "And now congratulate me. Having tramped the townall the morning, I've got to walk home."

  "Why?"

  I pointed to Nobby.

  "That he may warm himself," I said.

  My cousin gave a horrified cry.

  "Oh, Boy! And we only washed him last night."

  "I'll take him," cried Piers. "I'd like to. And you can drive Daphneback."

  I shook my head, laughing.

  "It's his master's privilege," I said. "Besides, he's had hisscolding, and if I deserted him he'd be hurt. And he's really a goodlittle chap."

  "But----"

  "My dear Piers," said Daphne, laying a hand on his arm, "rather thanrisk hurting that white scrap's feelings, my brother would walk toLyons."

  "You will all," said Berry, "be diverted to learn that I am faced withthe positively filthy prospect of repairing to London forthwith. Afterspending a quarter of an hour in an overheated office in New Square,Lincoln's Inn, in the course of which I shall make two affidavits whichnobody will ever read, I shall be at liberty to return. Give me theLaws of England."

  "Never mind, old chap," said Daphne. "We'll soon be back again. Ishall go with you, of course. Ought we to start to-night?"

  Considering that there was snow in London, that the visit would entailalmost continuous travelling for nearly thirty hours each way, and thatmy sister cannot sleep in a train, it seemed as if Berry, at any rate,was pulling out of the ruck.

  "My sweet," replied my brother-in-law, "I won't hear of it. However,we'll argue it out in private. Yes, I must start to-night."

  "
You must go?" said Jonah softly.

  "Can't get out of it."

  "Right." My cousin leaned out of the car. "I'll give you mytobacconist's address. The best way will be to have the stuff decantedand sewn in your coat."

  There was a pregnant silence.

  Then--

  "Saved!" I cried exultantly. "Saved!"

  "What d'you mean--'Saved'?" said Berry.

  "Hush," said I, looking round. "Not an 'h' mute! This summons ofyours is a godsend. With a little ingenuity, you can bring enoughcontraband in to last us till May."

  * * * * *

  If our efforts to induce my brother-in-law to see reason wereeventually successful, this was no more than we deserved. We madelight of the risk of detection, we explained how the stuff could beconcealed, we told him the demeanour to assume, we said we wished wewere going, we declared it was done every day, we indemnified himagainst fines, we entreated, we flattered, we cajoled, we appealed tohim "as a sportsman," we said it was "only right," we lookedunutterable things, and at last, half an hour before it was time forhim to start for the station, he promised, with many misgivings andexpressions of self-reproach, to see what he could do. Instantly, frombeing his suppliants, we became his governors; and the next twentyminutes were employed in pouring into his ears the most explicitdirections regarding his purchase and disposal of our particularfancies. Finally we made out a list....

  He had absolutely refused to allow my sister to accompany him, but weall went down to the station to see him off.

  As we were pacing the platform--

  "Have you got the list?" said Jonah.

  The same question had been asked before--several times.

  "Yes," said Berry, "I have. And if anybody asks me again, I shallproduce it and tear it into shreds before their eyes."

  "Well, for Heaven's sake, don't lose it," said I, "because----"

  "To hear you," said Berry, "anybody would think that I was mentallydeficient. Anybody would think that I was going to enclose it in anote to the Customs, telling them to expect me on Saturday, disguisedin a flat 'at and a bag of gooseberries, and advising them to pull uptheir socks, as I should resist like a madman. I don't know what's thematter with you."

  We endeavoured to smooth him down.

  "And if," purred Daphne, "if there should be any--that is--what I meanis, should any question arise----"

  Berry laughed hysterically.

  "Yes," he said, "go on. 'Any question.' Such as whether they can giveme more than five years' hard labour. I understand."

  "--get on the telephone to Berwick. He knows the President personallyand can do anything."

  "Sweetheart," replied her husband, "you may bet your most preciouslife.... If Berwick wasn't in Paris, I wouldn't touch the businesswith the end of a forty-foot pole."

  "I wish I was going with you," said Daphne wistfully.

  Berry took off his hat.

  "You are," he said gently, "you are." He laid his hand upon his heart."I wish I could put the tobacco in the same poor place. But that'simpossible. For one thing, lady, you've all the room there is."

  Which was pretty good for a king who hadn't been a courtier for nearlynine years.

  * * * * *

  It was upon the following afternoon that Adele, who was brushing Nobby,sat back on her heels.

  "When Jill," she said, "becomes the Duchess of Padua, what bloods weshall be."

  "She isn't there yet," said I.

  "Where?"

  "My sweet," said I, "I apologise. I was using a figure of speech,which is at once slipshod and American."

  "That," said my wife, "is the worst of being English. You're like theIndian tailor who was given a coat to copy and reproduced a tear in thesleeve. Imitation can be too faithful. Never mind. I forgive you."

  "D'you hear that, Nobby?" The terrier started to his feet. "Did youhear what the woman said? That we, who have founded precedents fromtime immemorial--that you and I, who taught America to walk----"

  "He's Welsh," said Adele.

  "I don't care. It's scandalous. Who defiled the Well of English? Andnow we're blamed for drinking the water."

  Adele looked out of the window and smiled at a cloud.

  "Once," she said slowly, "once I asked you if you would have known Iwas an American.... And when you said 'Yes,' I asked you why.... Doyou remember your answer? ... Of course," she added swiftly, "that wasbefore we were married."

  "You beautiful witch," said I. "You unkind, beautiful witch. You'veonly to touch the water with the tip of your little red tongue to makeit pure. You've only to put your lips to it to make it the sweetestmusic that ever a poor fool heard. You've only to smile like that tomake me proud to kiss your shining foot."

  "Nobby!" cried Adele. "Oh, Nobby! Did you hear that? Did you hearwhat the man said? A real courtier's speech! But how can he kiss myfeet when I'm sitting on them?"

  I stepped to her side, picked her up, and swung her on to a table.

  Then I kissed her sweet insteps.

  From her perch my wife addressed the Sealyham.

  "It's all right, Nobby," she said relievedly. "He is a king, afterall. Only a king would have done that."

  As I sat down by her side--

  "I'd love to be a queen," cried a voice. "Love to. Wouldn't you liketo be a king?"

  It was Jill speaking.

  The fresh tones came floating up and in at the open window. She couldnot have heard our words. It was pure coincidence.

  Adele and I sat very still.

  "I don't know," said Piers slowly.

  "I'll tell you what I'd do," said Jill. "I'd--Piers, what is thematter?"

  "Nothing," said Piers.

  "There is," said Jill accusingly. "You know there is. I can see it inyour eyes. What are you thinking about?"

  "I--I don't know," stammered her swain.

  "I think you might tell me," said Jill aggrievedly. "I always tell youeverything. Once or twice lately you've got all quiet suddenly--Ican't think why. Is it because your aunt's coming?"

  Piers laughed bitterly.

  "Good Heavens, no," he said.

  "Well, why is it, then?"

  For a moment there was no answer.

  Then all of a sudden the sluice-gate of speech was pulled up.

  "Oh, Jill, Jill, Jill... I could go on saying your name for the restof my life! I say it all the way home. I say it as I'm going tosleep. I say it when I wake in the morning... I saw you first atBiarritz. You never knew. I was staying with some Italian people.They've got a place there. And I was alone in the grounds. And then Isaw you--with Boy. You looked so wonderful.... All in green you were,standing with your feet close together, and your head on one side.Your hair was coming down, and the sun was shining on it.... I foundout who you were, and came to Pau. I wanted to get to know you. Ifelt I must. And, whenever you all went out, I followed in thetwo-seater. And then--I got to know you--at St. Bertrand--thatwonderful, wonderful day.... I--was--so--awfully--happy.... Andnow"--his voice sank to a wail--"I wish I hadn't. If only I'd stoppedto think.... But I didn't. I just knew I wanted to be with you, andthat was all. Oh," he burst out suddenly, "why did I ever do it? Whydid I ever follow you--that wonderful day? If I'd dreamed howmiserable it'd make me, how miserably wretched I'd be... It's thedreadful hopelessness, Jill, the dreadful hopelessness.... But I can'thelp it. It's something stronger than me. It's not enough to be withyou. I want to touch you: I want to put my arms round your neck: Iwant to play with your hair.... Of course I'm terribly lucky to beable to kiss your hand, but---- Ah, don't be frightened. I was--onlyplaying, Jill, only pretending. And now I'm going to be all seriousagain--not quiet, but serious. Good-bye, Madonna. Have you ever seen_Pagliacci_? Where the fellow bursts into tears? I think I could dothat part this afternoon...."

  A light padding upon the gravel came to our ears.

  Then a car's door slammed.
/>
  A moment later Piers' two-seater purred its way down the drive....

  Adele and I continued to sit very still.

  Presently I turned to her and raised my eyebrows.

  "Hopelessness?" I whispered. "Hopelessness? What on earth does hemean?"

  My wife shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

  Then she laid a finger upon her lips.

  I nodded obediently.

  * * * * *

  "Yes," said Berry, "you see in me a nervous wreck. My heart'smisfiring, I'm over at the knees, and with the slightest encouragementI can break into a cold sweat."

  He sank into a chair and covered his eyes....

  I had meant to meet him at the station, but the early train had beatenme, so Fitch had gone with the car. Indeed, it was not yet eighto'clock, and Daphne was still abed. That had not prevented us fromfollowing Berry into her room, any more than had the fact that no oneof us was ready for breakfast. I had no coat or waistcoat: so far ascould be seen, Jonah was attired in a Burberry and a pair of trousers:a glance at Adele suggested that she was wearing a fur coat, silkstockings, and a tortoise-shell comb, while Jill was wrapped in akimono, with her fresh fair hair tumbled about her shoulders.

  Jonah voiced our anxiety.

  "You--you've got the goods?"

  "They're downstairs," said Berry. "But don't question me. I can'tbear it. I'll tell you all in a minute, but you must let me alone.Above all, don't thwart me. I warn you, my condition is critical."

  He sighed heavily.

  Apparently impressed by his demeanour, Nobby approached, set his pawsupon his knee, and licked his face.

  "There you are," said Berry, lifting the dog to his lap. "The veryfowls of the air pity me. No, it's not a sore, old chap. It's where Icut myself yesterday. But I'm just as grateful. And now lie still, mybeauty, and poor old Sit-tight the Smuggler will tell you such a taleas will thicken your blood.

  "Upon Friday morning last I purchased a uniform-case. Not a newone--the oldest and most weather-beaten relic I could procure. OnFriday evening I packed it. One thousand cigars, five thousandcigarettes, and six pounds of tobacco looked very well in it. Mysword, a pair of field boots, breeches, coat--carefully folded todisplay the staff badges--and my red hat looked even better. I filledup with socks, shirts, puttees, slacks, spurs and all the old emblemsof Mars that I could lay my hands on. Finally I leavened the lot witha pound of the best white pepper--to discourage the moths, my fellow,to discourage the moths."

  His tone suggesting the discomfiture of the wicked, the Sealyham barkedhis applause.

  "Quite so. Well, I locked the case up and corded it, and precisely atten o'clock I retired to bed.

  "I never remember feeling so full of beans as I did the next morning.I could have bluffed my way across Europe with a barrel of whiskey on alead. I felt ready for anything. Sharp at a quarter to eleven I wasat the station, and one minute later a porter, with the physique of ablacksmith, had the box on his shoulder and my dressing-case in hishand.

  "It was as he was preparing to lay his spoils at the feet of theregistration-monger that my bearer trod upon a banana-skin.... To saythat he took a toss, conveys nothing at all. It was the sort of fallyou dream of--almost too good to be true. And my uniform-case, ofwhich he never let go, described a very beautiful parabola, and thencame down upon the weigh-bridge, as the swiple of an uplifted flailcomes down upon grain....

  "Both hinges went, of course. It says much for the box that the wholething didn't melt then and there. If I hadn't corded it, most of thestuff would have been all over the Vauxhall Bridge Road.

  "Well, I was so rattled that I could hardly think. I joinedmechanically in the laughter, I assured complete strangers that itdidn't matter at all, I carried through the registration like a man ina dream, and I tipped everybody I could see. It was as I was thrustingblindly towards the gates that I first realised that half the people inthe place were sneezing to glory. I was still digesting thisphenomenon when I sneezed myself....

  "Still it never occurred to me. There are times when you have to betold right out. I didn't have to wait long.

  "As I presented my ticket, a truck full of luggage was pushed throughthe gate next to mine. The porters about it were sneezing bitterly.'Snuff?' said one of them contemptuously. 'Snuff be blarsted! _It'spepper!_'

  "Whether at that moment my stomach in fact slipped or not I am unableto say, but the impression that my contents had dropped several incheswas overwhelming.

  "I staggered into the Pullman, more dead than alive.... After a largebarley and a small water, I felt somewhat revived, but it was not untilthe train was half-way to Dover that I had myself in hand. I was justbeginning under the auspices of a second milk and soda, to consider myhideous plight, when a genial fool upon the opposite side of the tableasked me if I had 'witnessed the comedy at Victoria.' Icily Iinquired: 'What comedy?' He explained offensively that 'some cuckoohad tried the old wheeze of stuffing pepper in his trunk to put off theCustoms,' and that the intended deterrent had untimely emerged. Mybrothers, conceive my exhilaration. 'The old wheeze.' I could havebroken the brute's neck. When he offered me a filthy-looking cigarwith a kink in it, and said with a leer that I shouldn't 'get many likethat on the other side of the Chops,' I could have witnessed hismutilation unmoved....

  "Still, it's an ill wind.... The swine's words were like a spur. Ibecame determined to get the stuff through.

  "Grimly I watched the case go on to the boat, to the accompaniment ofsuch nasal convulsions as I had never believed to be consistent withlife itself. By way of diverting suspicion, I asked one of the crewwhat was the matter. His blasphemous answer was charged with suchmalignity that I found it necessary to stay myself with yet anotherstill lemonade.

  "Arrived at Calais, I hurried on board the train.

  "The journey to Paris was frightful. The nearer we got, the moredishevelled became my wits. The power of concentration deserted me.Finally, as we were running in, I found that I had forgotten the Frenchfor 'moths.' I'd looked it out the night before: I'd been murmuring itall day long: and now, at the critical moment, it had deserted me. Iclasped my head in my hands and thought like a madman. Nothing doing.I thought all round it, of course. I thought of candles and camphorand dusk. My vocabulary became gigantic, but it did not include theFrench equivalent for 'moths.' In desperation I approached my_vis-a-vis_ and, in broken accents, implored him to tell me 'the Frenchfor the little creatures which you find in your clothes.'...

  "I like the French. If I'd asked an Englishman, he'd have pulled thecommunication-cord, but this fellow never so much as stared. He justreleased a little spurt of good-will and then started in, as if hisfuture happiness depended on putting me straight. 'But I was meaningthe fleas. Oh, indubitably. Animals most gross. Only last Novemberhe himself....' It took quite a lot of persuasion to get him offfleas. Then he offered me lice. I managed to make him understand thatthe attack was delivered when the clothes were unoccupied. Instantlyhe suggested rats. With an effort I explained that the things I meantwere winged. As the train came to a standstill, he handed me'_chauvesouris_.' Bats! I ask you....

  "I stepped on to the platform as if I was descending into my tomb. HowI got to the baggage-room, I'm hanged if I know; but I rememberstanding there, shivering and wiping the sweat off my face. Truck bytruck the registered baggage appeared....

  "I heard my case coming for about a quarter of a mile.

  "The architecture of the baggage-room at the _Gare du Nord_ may becrude, but its acoustic properties are superb. The noise whichaccompanied the arrival of the cortege was simply ear-splitting. I wasin the very act of wondering whether, if I decided to retire, my legswould carry me, when, with a crash, my uniform-case was slammed on tothe counter three paces away....

  "A cloud of pepper arose from it, and in an instant all was confusion.Passengers and porters in the vicinity dropped everything and made arush for the doors.
A Customs official, who was plumbing the depths ofa basket-trunk, turned innocently enough to see the case smoking at hiselbow, dropped his cigar into some blouses, let out the screech of amaniac and threw himself face downward upon the floor. Somebody cried:'Women and children first!' And, the supreme moment having arrived,I--I had the brain-wave.

  "I stepped to the case and, with most horrible oaths, flung my hat uponthe ground, smote upon the counter with my fist and started to ravelike a fanatic. I made the most awful scene. I roared out that it wasmy box, and that it and its contents were irretrievably ruined.Gradually curiosity displaced alarm, and people began to return. Iyelled and stamped more than ever. I denounced the French railways, Idemanded the station-master, I swore I'd have damages, I tore off thecords, I lifted the lid, I alternately sneezed and raged, and, finally,I took out my tunic and shook it savagely. In vain the excisemeninsisted that it was not their business. I cursed them bitterly,jerked an ounce of pepper out of a pair of brogues, and replied thatthey were responsible....

  "It was after I had shaken my second pair of slacks that the officials,with streaming eyes, began to beseech me to unpack the case no further.If only they'd known, I didn't need much inducing. I could see theshape of a cigarette-box under one of my shirts. Of course I argued abit, for the look of the thing, but eventually I allowed myself to bepersuaded and shoved the kit back. Finally they scrawled all over thelid with pieces of chalk, and, vowing the most hideous vengeance andinvoking the British Ambassador, I stalked in the wake of my box out ofthe station.

  "I was through.

  "I had my dinner in bed. I think I deserved it. Still, I suppose itwas indiscreet to have ordered lobster _a la Newburg_. I have sleptbetter. I _was_ sleeping better at half-past eight the next morning,when a waiter entered to say that _there was an official to see me fromthe Gare du Nord_....

  "Believing it to be another dream, I turned over and shut my eyes. Thewaiter approached and, touching me on the arm, repeated his ghastlycommunication. With a frightful effort I explained that I had the agueand could see nobody for some days. Mercifully he retired, and for alittle space I lay in a sort of trance. After a bit I began to wonderwhat, in the name of Heaven, I was to do. I was afraid to get up, andI was afraid to stay in bed. I was afraid to stop in the hotel, and Iwas terrified of meeting the official downstairs. I was afraid toleave the case there, and I was still more afraid to take it away. Iwas getting hungry, and I was afraid to ring for breakfast. It was apositively poisonous position. Finally, after a lot of thought, I gotup, bolted the door, unpacked the blasted box and shoved all thetobacco in the drawers of the wardrobe. Luckily there was a key. Thekit I disposed naturally enough. Then I had a bath and dressed.

  "As I was fastening my collar, the telephone went. It was the _Gare duNord_. I jammed the receiver back.

  "As I passed through the hall, a clerk dashed after me 'The _Gare duNord_,' he said, 'were insisting upon seeing me about a case of mine.'I replied that I was busy all day, and could see nobody before sixo'clock. I didn't mention that my train went at five. It was as wellI didn't argue, for, as I left the hotel, a station official entered.I leapt into a taxi and told the driver to go to _Notre Dame_. Notthat I felt like Church, but it was the first place I could think of.Somebody shouted after me, but--well, you know how they drive in Paris.I stopped round the second corner, discharged the taxi, and walked to arestaurant. By rights, I should have been ravenous. As it was, thefood stuck in my throat. A bottle of lime-juice, however, pulled metogether. After luncheon I went to a cinema--I had to do something.Besides, the darkness attracted me.... I fancy I dozed for a bit. Anyway, the first thing I remember was a couple of men being arrested inthe lounge of a hotel. It was most realistic. What was more, theclerk who had run after me in the morning and the clerk on the screenmight have been twins.... I imagine that my hair rose upon my head,and for the second time it seemed certain that I had mislaid my paunch.

  "I got out of the place somehow, to find that it was snowing. For thenext hour I drove up and down the _Champs Elysees_. I only hope thedriver enjoyed it more than I did. At last, when pneumonia seemed verynear, I told him to drive to the hotel.

  "I fairly whipped through the hall and into the lift. As thisascended, a page arrived at the gate and spoke upward. I didn't hearwhat he said.

  "When I was in a hot bath, the telephone went. I let the swine ring.Finally somebody came and knocked at the door. Of my wisdom I hadn'tbolted it, so, after waiting a little, they entered. I lay in the bathlike the dead. After a good look round, they went away....

  "By twenty past four I'd dressed, and repacked the case. I rang for aporter, told him to shove it on a taxi, and descended to settle mybill. Mercifully, the clerk who had stopped me in the morning was offduty. I could have squealed with delight. I paid my reckoning, tippedabout eight people I'd never seen before, and climbed into the cab.Ten minutes later I was at the _Quai d'Orsay_.

  "By the time I was in the wagon lit it was ten minutes to five....

  "I sank down upon the seat in silent gratitude. The comfortable glowof salvation began to steal over my limbs. I looked benevolently aboutme. I reflected that, after all, the last thirty hours of my life hadbeen rich with valuable experience. Smilingly I decided not to regretthem. When I thought of the scene in the baggage-room, I actuallylaughed. Then the conductor put his head in at the door and said thatthere was somebody to see me from the _Gare du Nord_."

  Berry suspended his recital and buried his face in his hands.

  "I shall never be the same again," he said brokenly. "Never again. Upto then I had a chance--a sporting chance of recovery. At that momentit snapped. In a blinding flash I saw what a fool I'd been. If I'donly stayed on the platform, if I'd only gone into the restaurant car,if I'd only locked myself in a lavatory till the train had started, Ishould have been all right. As it was, I was caught--bending.

  "It was the official I'd seen in the morning all right. After apreliminary flurry of ejaculation, he locked the door behind him andbegan to talk.... Don't ask me what he said, because I didn't hear.When the rope's round your neck, you're apt to miss the subtleties ofthe hangman's charge. After a time I realised that he was asking me aquestion. I stared at him dully and shook my head. With a gesture ofdespair, he glanced at his watch.

  "'_Monsieur_,' he said, 'the train departs. I have sought you all day.The superintendent has told me to speak with you at all costs--to begthat you will lodge no complaint. He is desolated that your baggagewas injured. It is a misfortune frightful. He cannot think how it hasoccurred. But to complain--no. I will tell _Monsieur_ the truth.Twice in the last half-year an English officer's baggage has goneastray. But one more complaint from your Embassy, and thesuperintendent will be replaced. And in ten short days, _Monsieur_, hewill have won his pension.... Ah, _Monsieur_, be merciful.'

  "I was merciful.

  "I waved the fellow away and swore haltingly that I would say nothing.We mingled a few tears, and he got out as the train was moving....

  "And there you are. I'd got my reprieve. Everything in the garden waslovely. But I couldn't enjoy it. My spirits failed to respond." Hetook the Sealyham's head between his hands and gazed into his eyes.

  "O Nobwell, Nob-well! Had I but seen the fool at half-past eight As he desired, he would not in the train Have put the wind up me so hellishly."

  There was a moment's silence.

  Then Jonah stepped to my brother-in-law and clapped him on the back.

  "Brother," he said, "I take my hat off. I tell you frankly I couldn'thave done it. I wouldn't have claimed that case at Paris for athousand pounds."

  Clamorously we endorsed his approval.

  By way of acknowledgment the hero groaned.

  "What you want," said I, "is a good night's rest. By mid-day to-morrowyou'll be touching the ground in spots."

  "I shan't be touching it at all," said Berry. "If it's nice and warm,I shall h
ave a Bath chair, which you and Jonah will propel at aconvenient pace. Nobby will sit at my feet as a hostage against yourcareless negotiation of gradients." He drew a key from his pocket andpitched it on to a table. "I fancy," he added, "I heard them put thecase on the landing: and as I propose, decorative though it is, toremove my beard, perhaps one of you wasters will fetch me a cigarette."

  There was a rush for the door.

  True enough, the uniform-case was outside.

  Jonah and I had its cords off in twenty seconds.

  One hinge was broken and some khaki was protruding.

  Adele thrust the key into the lock. This was too stiff for herfingers, so after a desperate struggle, she let me have at the wards....

  After an exhausting two minutes we sent for a cold-chisel....

  As the lock yielded, Berry appeared upon the scene.

  For a moment he stared at us. Then--

  "But why not gun-cotton?" he inquired. "That's the stuff to open abroken box with, if you don't like the look of the key. You know,you're thwarting me. And don't try to turn the lid back, because therearen't any hin----"

  The sentence was never finished.

  As I lifted the lid, my brother-in-law fell upon his knees. Withtrembling hands he plucked at a Jaeger rug, reposing, carefully folded,upon the top of some underclothes. Then he threw back his head andtook himself by the throat.

  "Goats and monkeys!" he shrieked. "_It's somebody else's case!_"

  * * * * *

  When, twenty-four hours later, a letter arrived from Piers' aunt,inviting us all to tea, we accepted, not because we felt inclined to gojunketing, but because we did not wish to seem rude.

  We were in a peevish mood. For this the loss of our forbidden fruitwas indirectly responsible. The immediate cause of our ill-humour wasthe exasperating reflection that we were debarred from taking eventhose simple steps which lead to the restoration of lost luggage. Westood in the shoes of a burglar who has been robbed of his spoils. Aslike as not, our precious uniform-case was lying at the station,waiting to be claimed. Yet we dared not inquire, because of what ourinquiries might bring forth. Of course the authorities might betotally ignorant of its contents. But then, again, they might not. Itwas a risk we could not take. The chance that, by identifying ourproperty, we might be at once accusing and convicting ourselves ofsmuggling a very large quantity of tobacco, was too considerable.There were moments when Jonah and I, goaded to desperation, felt readyto risk penal servitude and 'have a dart' at the bait. But Berry wouldnot permit us. If things went wrong, he declared, he was bound to beinvolved--hideously. And he'd had enough of thin ice. The wonder was,his hair wasn't white.... By the time we had swung him round, our owncourage had evaporated.

  As for Piers, no one of us had seen or heard from him for five wholedays. Ever since his extraordinary outburst upon the verandah, the boyhad made himself scarce. While we were all perplexed, Jill took hisabsence to heart. She mourned openly. She missed her playfellowbitterly, and said as much. And when three days had gone by and thelast post had brought no word of him, she burst into tears. The nextmorning there were rings beneath her great grey eyes. She was far tooartless to pretend that she did not care. Such a course of actionnever occurred to her. She had no idea, of course, that she was inlove.

  All the same, when upon Wednesday afternoon the cars were waiting totake us to tea with Mrs. Waterbrook, my cousin leaned over thebanisters with a bright red spot upon either cheek.

  "I say," she cried, "I'm not coming."

  One and all, we stared up amazedly.

  "Not coming?" cried Daphne. "But, darling----"

  Jill stamped her small foot.

  "N-no," she said shakily. "I'm not. And--and, if he asks after me,say I'm awfully well, but I felt I wanted a walk. I'm going to takeNobby out."

  Her skirts whirled, and she was gone.

  Adele flew after her, while the rest of us stood whispering in thehall. Five minutes later the two descended together. But while weothers climbed into the cars, Jill twitched a lead from the rack andtook her stand upon the steps, with Nobby leaping for joy about hersides. And when she cried "Good-bye," there was a ring in her tonewhich sounded too glad to be true.

  Mrs. Waterbrook was perfectly charming.

  As we were ushered into a really beautiful salon, she rose from alittle bureau--a tall, graceful figure, with masses of pretty grey hairand warm brown eyes.

  "My dear," she said to Daphne, "what a beautiful creature you are!" Sheturned to Adele. "As for you, if I were your husband, I'm afraid Ishould have a swelled head. Which is he? Ah, I see by the light inhis eyes.... Of course, I ought to have called upon you, but I'm lazyby nature, and my car won't be here till to-morrow. And now I mustthank you for being so kind to Piers. He ought to be here, of course.But where he is, I don't know. I've hardly seen him since I arrived.He seems to be crazy about his uncomfortable car. Went to Bordeaux andback yesterday--three hundred miles, if you please. I feel weak when Ithink of it. And now please tell me about yourselves. Beyond thatyou're all delightful, I've heard nothing from him."

  I would not have believed that one woman could entertain five strangerswith such outstanding success. Within five minutes Jonah and Daphnewere by her side upon the sofa, Adele was upon the hearth at theirfeet. Berry was leaning against the mantelpiece, and I was sittingupon the arm of an adjacent chair, describing our meeting with Piers afortnight ago.

  "I don't know his age," I concluded. "I take it he's about nineteen.But he's got the airs and graces of Peter Pan."

  "Piers," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "is twenty-five. His mother was mysister. She married his father when she was seventeen. He was twentyyears older than she, but they were awfully happy. The blood's pureEnglish, although the title's Italian. The fief of the duchy goes withit. They were given to Piers' great-grandfather--he was adiplomat--for services rendered. A recent attempt to dispossess theboy mercifully failed." She looked round about her. "By the way, Ithought there were six of you. Piers gave me the number, but neithergender nor anything else."

  "There's a female to come," said Berry. "But I don't think she willto-day. She's a wayward child. We'll send her round to apologiseto-morrow."

  Here coffee and chocolate were served.

  "I must apologise," said Mrs. Waterbrook, "for giving you no tea. Butthere you are." She sighed. "What tea you can get in France remindsme of grocer's port. I won't touch it myself, and I haven't the faceto offer it to my guests. I usually bring some from England; but I--Ididn't this time." She passed a hand across her eyes, as though tobrush away a memory. "After all, you needn't come again, need you?"

  "But we do the same," said Daphne. "We've given up tea. Up to lastweek, I clung to a cup before breakfast. But now I've stopped it."

  "Yes," said Berry. "It was affecting her brain. Ten minutes aftershe'd swallowed it, she used to begin to wonder why she married me."

  "I believe you," said Mrs. Waterbrook. "You can't drink French tea andbe resigned. Now, a cup of well-made chocolate affords relief."

  Before Berry could reply, she had pointed to an old china box and saidthat it contained cigarettes.

  If she had said that it was full of black pearls, she could not havecreated more excitement. Besides, there was a confidence in her tonethat set my nerves tingling. It was, I felt sure, no "grocer's port"that she was commending. And I--we, with the exception of Berry, hadnot smoked a good cigarette for nearly six weeks....

  As Jonah handed the box to Daphne, I strove to look unconcerned.

  "And if anybody likes cigars," added Mrs. Waterbrook, "there are somein that silver box by Major Pleydell."

  Berry started, said, "Oh--er--thanks very much," and opened the box.Then he took out a cigar, idly enough.

  I became conscious that Daphne's and Adele's eyes were upon me as Jonahbrought me the cigarettes. I took one without looking, and staredback. Instantly their eyes shifted to
the cigarette in my hand. Ifollowed their gaze, to behold one of the brand which I had smokedinvariably for seven years.

  Dazedly I looked across at Berry, to see him regarding his cigar withbulging eyes....

  As in a dream, I heard Jonah's voice.

  "You must forgive my cousins. They're not being rude. To tell you thetruth, we've recently had a bereavement. A particularly cherishedfriend, who was to furnish us all with tobacco for several months,disappeared in sickening circumstances only two days ago. The cigarand the cigarette have revived some painful memories."

  Our hostess opened and closed her mouth before replying.

  Then--

  "What," she said faintly, "what was your--er--cherished friend like?"

  Berry started to his feet.

  "Both hinges gone," he shouted, "tied up with rope--reeking ofpepper----"

  Mrs. Waterbrook interrupted him with a shriek.

  "He's outside my bedroom," she wailed. "By the side of the tall-boy.I suppose it's too much to hope that you've got my tea."

  "Tea?" we screamed.

  "Tea," piped our hostess. "Beautiful China tea. Thirty-five pounds ofit. Under the camisoles."

  Berry raised his eyes to heaven.

  "Modesty forbade us," he said, "to go further than the b-b-b-bustb-b-b-bodices."

  * * * * *

  It was in the midst of our rejoicing that Piers set foot on theverandah. For a moment he stood staring, pardonably bewildered, at thetwo smugglers, who were saluting one another respectively with aprofound curtsey and the most elaborate of bows. Then he pulled openthe great window and stepped hesitatingly into the room.

  As he did so, the door was flung open, and a man-servant appeared.

  "Mees Mansel," he announced.

  Nobby entered anyhow, pleasedly lugging Jill into the room.

  "Why, Jill!" cried Daphne. "My dear.... Mrs. Waterbrook, let meintroduce----"

  "_But that's not Miss Mansel!_"

  It was Piers' voice.

  With one accord we turned, staring....

  With arm outstretched, the boy was pointing at Jill.

  For a moment nobody moved.

  Then Piers sprang forward and caught Jill's hands in his.

  "Jill!" he panted. "Jill, you're not Miss Mansel?"

  "Yes, I am," said Jill steadily.

  "But I thought you were married to Boy. I thought--I thought Adele wasMiss Mansel."

  "Oh, Piers," said Jill reproachfully. "And she's got a wedding-ringon."

  Piers stared at Jill's hand.

  "I--I never thought of that," he said slowly. "I am silly." Awonderful smile came tearing to light his face. "But oh, Jill," hefaltered, "I--am--so--awfully--glad!"

  Never, I fancy, was love so simply declared.

  For a moment Jill looked at him. Then her eyes fell, and an exquisiteblush came stealing into her cheeks.

  For an instant Piers hesitated. Then he let fall her fingers andturned about, flushing furiously....

  Before he had found his tongue, my cousin advanced to her hostess andput out her hand.

  "I'm afraid I'm awfully late," she said quietly.

  Mrs. Waterbrook stooped and kissed her.

  "My darling," she said softly, "it was worth waiting for."