Half of Me

by J. M. Paul

  “I wonder if there’s a way I could find him—assuming it’s a him. To see what he likes, whom he became, if he’s happy.” I draw patterns with my finger against Jacob’s forearm. “If he has a family, I could have nieces or nephews.” A sliver of excitement starts to build in my chest at the possibilities. “I wonder if we have anything in common, besides DNA.”

  Jacob combs his fingers through the silky tendrils of my blonde hair. “What if he or she doesn’t want to be found?”

  Closing my eyes, I rest my head against his shoulder and shrug. “I don’t know if I’ll really try to find him. I mean, where would I even begin?”

  “If you’re serious about pursuing this, I know a guy who could do some digging for you.” Jacob clenches my thigh and then releases.

  “Mmm. Of course you do,” I slur a little as I stretch.

  “Do you have more journals to read or have you finished them?” He moves us to a lying position on the oversize couch and tucks me into his side.

  “I think I have one more.” I yawn again.

  “Get some sleep, beautiful. You don’t have to make any decisions tonight.” He kisses my forehead.

  That’s the last thing I remember until I slowly awaken, alone and cold. Still on the sofa, I lift my head and search for Jacob, but he’s nowhere to be found. A big fire is hissing, and I’m covered in several blankets.

  Sitting up, I stretch my arms and then yank them back into the blankets. It’s freezing in here.

  “Jacob?” My breath comes out in a small puff of cold air.

  That’s not normal.

  I hear cussing and footsteps climbing or descending stairs, and then a door swings open.

  “Jacob?” My voice quivers from the glacial air slowly creeping into my bones even though I’m under a pile of blankets.

  “I was hoping you were still asleep.” Jacob rounds the corner, and he’s wearing a hoodie, sweatpants, and thick socks.

  “Why is it so cold in here?” I shiver.

  “The furnace took a shit. I put in a call, but they can’t get here for a couple of hours.” He clenches his jaw and shoves back the hair hanging in his eyes.

  “That sucks.” I peer outside, and it’s still dark. “What time is it?”

  “Just after six.” He stalks toward me, lifts me and the blankets into his arms, and heads up the stairs to his room.

  “You know, I can walk.” I offer him a bemused smile and raise my brows.

  “Yes, but where’s the fun in that?” The crease between his brows finally relaxes, and he gives me my favorite cocky smile.

  When we enter his bedroom, he sets me on the bed and tucks me in. I purr at the coziness of what must be an electric blanket already turned on and burrow into the mattress. Jacob fiddles with the gas fireplace and joins me when the flames are high.

  He nestles under the covers and pulls me into him. He’s freezing, which causes me to stiffen against him, but I force myself to relax. We lie in each other’s arms, staring at the flames that are desperately trying to heat up the room, and watch the world around us slowly lighten and awaken.

  “We should’ve never come up here. Sorry,” Jacob apologizes.

  “Don’t be sorry. I kind of like it.” I tighten my arm and leg around him before I decide to take the matter of heating up into my own hands. Lifting my leg around his waist, I pull myself up to straddle him.

  When I’m perched above him and looking down at his angelic face, I smile coyly. “If we weren’t cold, we’d still be sleeping and not searching for a way to warm up.”

  I grind against him, and his hands clench my waist, pulling me harder against him. The extra friction from my sleep pants and his sweats adds a certain naughty element not normally between us. I feel like we’re rebellious teenagers trying to get off before parents barge into the room and catch us.

  “Joslyn.” My name is strained against Jacob’s tongue.

  The sound sends a flurry of goose bumps scattering across my skin.

  Feeling liberated by his need for me, I strip off my shirt and throw it onto the floor next to the bed. The chilled air bites at my exposed skin, immediately puckering my nipples. Jacob’s eyes rake seductively over me before he leans up and takes a hardened peak into his mouth while caressing my other breast with his hand. My fingers slink into his dark strands as I arch into him. The feel of his lips on my skin is electrifying, causing currents of pleasure to zing straight between my legs where Jacob is already firm against me. I shiver from pure need emanating out of every pore of his body.

  Jacob glides his hands up my back and around my shoulders, pulling me down so that we’re chest-to-chest. He lifts the blankets over us as he takes my mouth with his.

  Our kisses have changed recently. They’re still hungry, needy, and aggressive, but they’re also light, sensual, and filled with a passion I’ve never felt or experienced before. It seems as if Jacob’s trying to communicate his feelings through our connection, and I absorb every sentiment he gives me. I let the emotions swirling between us fill the emptiness I’ve been carrying around in me for longer than I care to remember.

  Growing up with parents who only tolerated me, having my ability to have children ripped from my body, having a boyfriend I thought I would spend the rest of my life with leave me because of my inability to procreate, and now finding out that I have a sibling roaming the universe somewhere…it’s all too much. But Jacob has a way of making everything disappear, and I release my inhibitions and sink into the moment with him, letting our bodies speak the words that escape us for now.

  Jacob’s cell beeps on the nightstand, jolting both of us out of our post-coital morning nap. Slinking his arm out of the warm cocoon we’ve created on his bed, he squints at his phone just as someone pounds on the front door.

  “Shit. That’s the furnace company.” He kisses me chastely on the lips and then jumps out of bed. “Damn, it’s cold out here.” Shivering, he does a cute little nude dance by the bed as he locates his clothes. After he’s dressed, he tosses my pajamas at me and points at the bed. “I’d get dressed under there.”

  I beam at him, humor still written on my face from his naked show. Sauntering over, he leans down and gives me a lingering kiss that quickly turns heated.

  “Never mind.” He tosses my clothes to the floor again. “Stay the way you are. It’ll save us time when I get back.” Moving his hand, he dips it under the covers and cups my breast.

  His phone beeps again, and the pounding on the door gets louder and more insistent.

  “Damn it. I’ll be right back.” Jacob’s lips touch my forehead, and then he’s gone.

  I lie, staring at the ceiling in the bedroom, listening to Jacob talk to the workmen. Trying to will myself back to sleep, I roll over and close my lids.

  After about five minutes, I give up. For a while, I gaze out the window and watch the snow slowly fall to the ground. When my attention wanders over to the nightstand, it lands on my mom’s last unread journal. Sitting up, I grab it and flip the cover open. The chilled air licks at my bare arms, but my curiosity surpasses my scare of frostbite.

  So lost in my mom’s words, I don’t notice Jacob’s returned until the mattress dips, and he sits on the edge next to me. I jump and drop the journal clasped in my ice-cold fingers.

  Jacob gives me a sheepish smile. “They were able to fix the furnace, so it should start to heat up in here.” He takes my hands in his and tries to rub the warmth back into them. “Interesting read again?”

  “You could say that.” I’m still lost in my mind, in the words my mom wrote.

  “Want to tell me about it?” Jacob starts to rub his hands up my arms.

  “I-I…” I clear my throat and then swallow.

  Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, Jacob asks, “What did you find out?”

  “My adopted sibling contacted my parents and wanted to meet them.” I inhale a steadying breath and let it out in a rush. “I have a sister.”

  “Wow.” His hands move b
ack down to mine and grasp them.

  A loud ringing interrupts us, and Jacob cusses under his breath. Standing, he digs in the pocket of his hoodie and produces his phone.

  “Ancroft.” His posture goes rigid as he listens to the person on the other end. “I understand.” He walks into the closet, and I can hear shuffling. When he exits, he’s holding a blue dress shirt and black slacks. “No, I don’t want to wait. Make it happen today.” He tosses the phone on the dresser.

  “Is everything okay?” I ask as he strips from his loungewear.

  “Get dressed. We’re going home.” Turning, he finishes buttoning his shirt. “That was my lawyer. The test results are back.”

  CHAPTER 25

  * * *

  BEAUTY FROM ASHES

  Jagger is running around like a kid who snuck too many handfuls of candy out of his Halloween stash and devoured every piece at once. But that’s what happens when you leave kids with their grandparents for an extended period of time. The word no doesn’t exist in the dictionary of grandparenthood, and it’s up to me to deal with the outcome.

  “Jagger, please settle down.” I massage my temple and squeeze my eyes closed. Little to no sleep mixed with a long drive with an anxious Jacob has me almost at the end of my rope.

  When we arrived home from Petoskey, Jacob dropped me off and immediately left for his lawyer’s office. I’m surprised he even brought the SUV to a complete stop before pushing me out the door.

  I understand he’s apprehensive and eager to learn the outcome of Jenna’s test, but I can’t help that I feel discarded. I’m important enough to help him take his mind off the situation when he wants but not important enough to be there for him when he discovers the truth.

  “But I don’t want to.” Jagger runs a circle around the couch, chanting about turtles and Spider-Man.

  I stomp my foot. “Jagger Alan, go to your room right now! If I hear anything out of you for the next twenty minutes, you don’t get to watch TV for the rest of the day.”

  Jagger immediately halts in place, and a blank expression covers his features.

  I’ve never yelled at him like this, but I can’t take his constant energy and noise. I need several minutes to pull myself back together, to find my center, or to even locate my freaking patience because I think I left it up north, buried under the mounds of snow.

  At that moment, Jenna wakes up and starts screaming bloody murder.

  “Now, look at what you’ve done.” I point down the hall and use my stern voice. “Go to your bedroom—now.”

  Big crocodile tears fill Jagger’s eyes and slowly seep down his cheeks. “I miss my mommy.”

  His bottom lip quivers, and I swear, my heart shrivels to the size of a pea. Lowering his head, he ambles down the hallway and slams his door.

  Great, Joslyn, just great. Way to keep your shit together. It’s not Jagger’s fault you’re having a crappy day. If you can’t keep your marbles in a bag, you should not lose them by whipping them at an innocent little boy.

  Jenna’s cries grow louder, pulling me back from my trip down dejection lane.

  Now, I know why Juliana’s parents seemed so relieved when I walked in the door and why they all but flew out of it.

  When I enter the nursery, I gaze over Jenna’s crib and watch her cry. She’s not in pain, she’s not hungry, she doesn’t need her diaper changed. She just wants attention and to be held. I know this because I’ve come to know her and to understand what her different cries mean.

  “Shh, sweet girl. You’re okay.” I brush my hand over her head.

  She immediately quiets, and when her blue eyes find mine, she smiles and coos.

  Little angel brat.

  I know I shouldn’t give her what she wants, but I feel beaten down, and I know holding her will help cure the many ailments growing inside me.

  Lifting her from her frilly pink crib, I cradle her to my chest and take a deep breath. Her baby-powder scent and the feel of her soft skin in my arms instantly settle the animosity churning inside me.

  Moving to the rocker in the corner, I place her face up on my thighs, so I can observe and absorb her innocence and joy. She jabbers at me and flails her arms and kicks her legs into my breasts, and I laugh at her antics. There’s nothing like holding a baby at the end of a taxing day to calm a restless soul.

  “Did you miss me, sweet pea?”

  Lifting her shirt, I lean down and blow raspberries on her belly. She giggles and thrashes her head back and forth. We do this for several minutes before she starts to grow sleepy again.

  Moving her into the crook of my arm, I rock her and quietly hum to her until her lids close, and she drifts into a deep type of sleep that only a baby can experience. There’s no sound in the house, except for a dog barking down the road and the wind blowing through the trees. Snow starts to come down in heavy blankets, and I worry that Jacob will have to travel home on bad roads.

  “Joslyn?” I hear a soft voice.

  I shift to see Jagger standing in the doorway. His head is lowered, and he’s peeking at me through his lashes.

  “Yeah, little man?”

  He slowly walks toward me and watches his sister sleep in my arms. When his big blue eyes meet mine, there’s remorse written in his irises.

  “I’m sorry I made you mad. I promise, I’ll be good.” Jagger sticks out his lower lip, and it trembles.

  “It’s okay, buddy.” I wrap my free arm around him and give him a hug. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m not feeling well, and I didn’t mean it.”

  Jagger rests his head on my shoulder and plays with the ruffles on Jenna’s pants.

  “It’s okay. I forgive you.” He looks up into my eyes. “Can I watch a movie? I promise, I’ll be quiet, so you can feel better.”

  A smile pulls at the corner of my mouth. “Of course, sweetie.”

  “Thanks.” He walks to the door and then stops. When he turns, he says, “I miss my mommy, but you help make me feel better.” Then, he’s gone.

  Jagger’s words make my heart stand still in my chest before moisture fills my eyes and tumbles down my cheeks.

  I make him feel better.

  These kids aren’t mine, and there are so many seconds, minutes, hours, days when I feel like I’m ruining them, and I wonder why Jacob allows me to have contact with them. But then a moment like the one that just happened occurs, and for a quick flash, I feel like I might be doing something good.

  Jenna stretches in my arms, drawing my attention to her. Her chubby cheeks are flushed in sleep, and her lips are puckered. She is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to be a part of her life. But that’s all I’ll ever be—a part.

  I’m the nanny—someone, when it comes down to it, who will help care for this family while I’m needed but will be cast aside when they move on. The kids more than likely won’t remember who I am in a few years, and Jacob will probably recall me as the girl who helped him recover, so he could find the love he was meant to have and the stepmom his children need.

  Hugging Jenna closer, I weep uncontrollably at the realization of my reality. I’ll never have this—a family, children of my own who will depend on and love me unconditionally. Someone who will call me mommy and believe I can make all of his or her problems better.

  This beautiful baby in my arms and that adorable little boy watching television—the one who just came to me of his own free will and apologized for something that was my fault—will forget this time we’ve shared together and find someone else to permanently fill the void of their mother. I, on the other hand, will never be able to erase what they’ve given me, even when I know it’ll shatter me beyond repair.

  I want everything this family has offered me forever even though I have no right to desire it. My role in their lives is temporary, fleeting, and the sooner I realize that, the better it’ll be for all of us.

  But today is not that day.

  Jenna moans in her sleep and snuggles closer to
me. Leaning down, I press a soft kiss to her fuzzy head full of blonde hair and close my eyes, still letting the tears overtake me.

  If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was menstruating, but my body doesn’t function that way anymore, so this is just straight-up irrational behavior. My doctors told me it would take time for me to adjust to my replacement hormones, but it’s been several months, and I’m still acting like a crazed monster.

  I hear footfall by the door, but I don’t bother to regard Jagger. I don’t want him to see me crying and ask questions I’m not ready to answer. Instead, I wait for him to tell me what he wants while I try to get myself under control.

  A soft hand brushes down my face, causing my breath to hitch. I jump as a flash of adrenaline flows through my body at the unexpected touch. Jerking my head, I find Jacob squatting next to the rocker, taking in the sight of me holding Jenna in my arms, bawling over something I’ll never have.

  I feel his heat rolling toward my body, and mine accepts the warmth of his, drinking it in, relishing it. I’ve felt so cold since we left his cottage, and now, with this beautiful baby girl nestled in my arms and Jacob’s affectionate eyes fixed on me, I sense the ice within my chest start to melt.

  Jacob’s expression tells me he understands what’s going through my head, and I feel utterly selfish in that moment. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself while he was learning if this little girl was his or his ex-best friend’s who had slept with his wife in his own bed. His fate is in the balance while I’m weaving a much less important sob story in my head.

  “Jacob.” I sit up, moving Jenna so that her head doesn’t get lodged against my arm. “How’d it go? What did you find out?” I sniffle and rub at my face, trying to pull myself together.

  Remaining quiet, he watches me and then moves his attention to Jenna. His expression is stoic, not giving anything away, when his focus returns to me.

  “I see you, Joslyn.”

  I blink several times, confused by his words until the meaning sinks in.