Memoirs of Major Alexander Ramkins (1718)

by Daniel Defoe

began now to think he had laid all Thoughtsof a Restoration aside. King _James_'s Troops were employ'd andscatter'd where they were useless upon that Design, and his Court wasmodell'd, as if nothing more should be attempted. However it was thoughtconvenient still to carry the Juggle on, and several Methods were madeuse of to seduce the poor Jacobites in _England_ and _St. Germains_,that their Work was still going on. Great Respect was shown to the Courtof _St. Germains_ by his Most Christian Majesty, with repeatedAssurances to stand by them: In the mean time I was permitted to leavethe Army, and solace my self for two or three Months at _Paris_, where,by the Assistance of my old Friend ready Money, I made my self veryacceptable. It was my Happiness hitherto never to be engaged in anIntrigue with the Fair Sex; for though several of my Station havediverted themselves that way with much prejudice to their Business, yetI was always so bent upon War, that I cou'd never find spare Hours forsuch trifling Conversation, for that was the Notion I had of it. Ageneral Whining and Pining away for a Trolloping Girl, was to me a veryawker'd and inconsistent Piece of Pageantry; however, I had been oftentold by Persons of Experience, that no Man had so just an Idea of theWorld, as he that had been well hamper'd and sower'd by a Love Intrigue;for though Women appear to be only Spectators, and to bear no Sway inthe Politicks of the World, yet underhand, the Fate of Kingdoms oftenhung at their Girdles, and the wisest of Princes often hazarded theRepose of his People for an Hours Dalliance with some Coquet anddiverting Creature of the fair Sex. I cannot tell well how it happen'd,but I suppose by not resisting the first impressions of this kind, Ifound my self far gone in an Intrigue, and that without either Thoughtor Design; but I understood afterwards that a Breach of Idleness beingespy'd in my Conduct, the Roving Deity seiz'd the Advantage and enter'dSword in Hand. The Gentlewoman who drew me into this Snare, was nootherwise my Acquaintance than by an accidental Visit; but I was so mucha Philosopher, as to know that where there is a Sympathy of Humours, allother Considerations are neglected, and a _Turk_ with those Advantages,is as capable to make a Conquest as a _Christian_. I had at my firstentrance upon the Stage of the World made a double Promise to my self,the one was never to hearken to a Love Affair till I had acquired aStock of Experience, and Money to make that Passion Serviceable and ofreal Use in an honourable Way; the other was not to graft upon a ForeignStock; but I was forc'd to humble my self under a violation of boththese Purposes; for the Object of my Passion was a _Spanish_ young Ladythough of _Irish_ Extraction, her Family Transporting themselvesthither about the middle of Queen _Elizabeth_'s Reign. Now I had two orthree Difficulties to struggle with relating to this Affair: in thefirst place, I had not as yet imparted the Secret to the young Lady;again, my Brother's Example gave me grounds to think I cou'd not avoid aQuarrel with some of her Relations; but what chiefly frighted me, wasthe Plague of Wedding, in case we were both of a Mind, for a keen Houndis not easily call'd off from a hot Scent, till he has either caught orlost his Game. In the midst of these Perplexities, I judg'd 'twou'd be awise Part to disclose my self to some Persons of Experience in theseMatters; for in all the Skirmishes and Sieges I had been at, they neverthrew me into such a Consternation and Absence of Thought; andaccordingly I met with an old Adept in these Affairs. When he heard myCase, after two or three Turns he approach'd me with the serious Air ofa Physician, and I thinking he had Design to feel my Pulse, I offer'dhim my Hand, which he only shook very gently, saying, Young Man, all theComfort I can give you is, that you must buy your Knowledge byExperience as I and many others have done before you. All Advice is lostupon a Person in Love. Should I advice you to quit the Enterprize, Iknow you would not do it. A Halter or an _East-India_ Voyage may do youService in Case you are refused. In a Word, whatever I advised you toyou will certainly do the contrary; However, that you may be said tohave lost your Time in coming hither, hasten to the young Lady, tell herin a Franck Cavalier way how Things are with you; give all the vent youcan to your Passion; if it blows over, you will be a wary Man hereafter,if it ends in Wedlock, any Body will inform you of the Consequences.While the old Gentleman was entertaining me with this Lesson, my Headgrew so dizy, as if some invisible Hand had turn'd it round like a Gigg,so I left him abruptly, and went directly to my Lodgings to Bed, but tothis Day I cannot tell, whether I went a Foot or in a Coach my Head wasin such a Confusion. The next Morning finding my ideas better rang'd, Ipropos'd to seize the first Opportunity to let the Lady understand theDifficulties I struggled under upon her Account; but the Nature of ourVisits was such, that I cou'd not do it any otherwise than by Letter:Thus when I had once broke the Ice, and that too with a fair Prospectof making Advances, in the next Place I gain'd the Maid by the usualMethods that such Creatures are render'd Obsequious, and under herConduct methoughts I sail'd prosperously on without the least Rub to mysuppos'd Happiness; 'tis true I was at a constant Charge of Presents,Treats, and now and then a Serenade according to the _Spanish_ Customs.But I remember at one of these Midnight Scenes of Gallantry, I sawsomething that gave me a great deal of Uneasiness; drawing up my Musickunder the Lady's Window, besides her Face, which was at the Casementwide open, I saw the Reflexion of a Periwig move towards the Corner ofthe Window; this made me vehemently suspect somebody had a better placein her Affections than my self, for there was no Male kind belonging tothe Family, her Father and Brother, as she told me at other Times, beingin _Spain_, to take care of some Effects they expected by the Flota fromthe _West Indies_. However, I endeavour'd to smother this Impression ofJealousy, attributing the Mistake to the Circumstances of Night, CandleLight, or some other false Medium that might ground it, so I wasresolv'd to take no notice of it at my next Visit. But it was not longbefore I met with another Occasion of Jealousy, which cou'd not soeasily be banish'd out of my Head. Sitting in the Chocolate House, ayoung Gentleman was giving himself Airs with a Snuff-box, which to myEye (and it was my Interest to observe it very narrowly) appear'd to bethe very same I had some time before presented the Lady with, and as anaggravating Circumstance, in taking Notice of the Gentleman's Periwig,it had the same Form with the Reflexion I saw up in the Lady's ChamberWindow, _vid_. a flat Top, neither rais'd nor parted in the Middle,which spoke it to be a Piece of _English_ Furniture. The Sight of thesnuff-box drew all my Blood into my Heart, and left my pale Cheeks toaccount for the Consternation, wherefore not able to contain my self hadI kept my Ground, I flung out of the Chocolate House, not unobserv'd bythe Company to be in some Disorder; but when they look'd out of theWindow and saw me stand gazing in the middle of the Street, (for myMotion thither was purely Animal, having no thought whither I was going)it encreas'd their Surprise. However, at three Steps I was got againinto the Chocolate House, and with a galliard Air, addressing my selfto the Gentleman with the Snuff box, _Sir_, said I, _I confirm the Gift,and may all sniffling Fools that are in Love be serv'd like me_. Iallow'd no Time for a Reply, but bolting again into the Street, it cameinto my Head that perhaps two Snuff-boxes might be so much alike, as notto observe the difference without confronting 'em. This Thought gave mea Curiosity to step into a Toyshop, where I desired to have a Sight ofthe newest fashion'd Snuff-boxes, and when among others, I saw abovehalf a Dozen exactly like that I had made the Lady a Present of, aSecret Confusion spread it self over my Soul to have given way to suchSuspicions. The Matyrdom accustom'd by such like Thoughts as these beingthe usual Entertainment of Persons in my Condition, and I having read inseveral Moralists, _That there can be no true Love without a Mixture ofJealousy, which two rose proportionably, and that Jealousy was thegreatest Plague of Human Life_. These Considerations, I say, made meStruggle hard to throw off the Tyranny I groan'd under, and it happen'dvery luckily for me that within a few Days after the young Lady was sentfor into _Spain_, so that I had in Election either to throw up all myExpectations in _France_, and follow her, or Moralize a Week or two;upon the Disappointment, and so recover my self again to my Senses,which I quickly did by spending my Time in a Treatise of Algebra andFortifications. As for the Lady she parted without any Reluctance, andit mortify'd me s
ensibly, that what I had made a Study and Business of,was only her Diversion and Amusement; but I kept my Resolution nevermore to divert my self that way, till I was effectually tramell'd.

  And now I was preparing to visit _Italy_, where some of the _Irish_Forces were then employ'd, and my Company expected me; but before I setout, I had a mind to inform my self better of a certain Report wisper'dat _St. Germains_, That in a little Time King _James_ would make anotherPush, and that a Descent in _England_ was certainly in Agitation. Now Iwas at a Loss how to be truly inform'd of this Matter; the King's Fleetrendevouzing upon the Coast of _Normandy_, and several Battalionsmarching that way, look'd