Memoirs of Major Alexander Ramkins (1718)

by Daniel Defoe

aGentleman rides not with Pistols, 'tis very probable he will beattack'd. Unacquainted with these Customs, the Day I went to _Windsor_,I had in Company with me an _Irish_ Gentleman; we made use of nothingbut common Hacks, nor had any other Arms but our Swords; about themiddle of _Honslow Heath_ we met two Gentlemen well mounted, who pass'dby us unsuspected, but turning suddenly upon us again, with each of 'ema small Pistol cock'd, they very civilly demanded our Money. Gentlemen,said I, I am a Stranger; no Gentlemen said they, come quickly deliverwhat you have, we are in a publick Road, and can't stand arguing; butfinding us a little Dilatory, they whip'd the Bridles from our Horfes,cut our Garths, and so dismounted us; and so I and my Companion werevery dexterously strip'd of what they found in our Pockets, which wasall I had about me, but my Friend reserv'd two or three Guineas in hisFob. When they had finish'd their Business, they gallop'd different wayscross the Heath, and left us like a couple of Asses, to drive our Horsesto the next Town, and carry the Saddles under our Arms; but by theInvention of our Garters, and some other such like Tackle, we halter'dour Steeds till we cou'd refit our selves better. What we lost was buta Trifle, and 'twas done in so small a space of Time, that appear'd likea Dream or passing Thought. It was happy either for us or them, thatthis happen'd in the Morning when our Heads were cool, for had theyattack'd us when warm'd up with good Liquor, I believe I should have hadlittle regard to those Pop-guns they threatened us with. When we came tothe next Town, and gave the People an account of our Disaster; theLandlord of the Inn ask'd us, if we had ever been upon that Road before,and we inform'd him this was the first time, then said I have Authorityto enroll you as Freemen upon the small Fee of each a Bottle of Wine,and this I take to be no Imposition, because I am plac'd here in aconvenient Part of the Country to advance a small sum to such as arerobb'd of all they have, and cannot pursue their Journey; so Gentlemen,if that be your Condition, I have a couple of Guineas ready for you,which I will lend upon Honour, but in Case it be not a clean Robbery,what you have conceal'd from the Diligent Highwaymen is the Landlord'sFee as far as each a Bottle of Wine. This Merry Landlord I thought wasvery conveniently posted to divert People after their Misfortunes, wenever went about to examine him, whether his Demand was customary, oronly a Piece of shire Wit, and an extemporary Instance of his prolifickGenius, but sat down, and made our selves most immoderately drunk. TheLandlord discanted very copiously upon the ancient and modern Practiseof Robbing upon the Road, and seem'd very much inclin'd to lessen theCrime. Formerly, said he, no Body robb'd upon the Road but basescoundrel Fellows; but now 'tis become a Gentleman-like Employment, andyoung Brothers of very good Families are not asham'd to spend their timethat way; besides the Practise is very much refin'd as to the manner,there's no Fighting or Hectoring during the Performance, but theseGentlemen approach you decently and submissive, with their Hat in theirHand to know your Pleasure, and what you can well afford to support themin that Dignity they live in: 'Tis true, says he, they often for Formsake have a Pistol in their Hand, which is part of their ridingFurniture; but that is only in the Nature of a Petition, to let you knowthey are Orphans of Providence just fallen under your Protection. In aWord, demanding Money upon the Road, is now so agreeably perform'd,that 'tis much the same with asking an Alms. The poor Beggar wou'd robyou if he durst, and the Gentleman Beggar will not rob you if you willbut give a decent Alms suitable to his Quality. I thought my time sowell spent to hear this Landlord plead in favour of Padding, that I toldmy Companion I had often known the time that I wou'd have willingly haveparted with more Money than I was strip'd of upon the Heath, to havesome Melancholly Thoughts driven away by such a merry Companion.

  The Time drawing near that I prescribed to my self to remain in_England_, we were now advis'd to return by the short Sea, which weperform'd without any Let or remarkable Accident. I have observ'dtowards the beginning of these Memoirs, that the War begun in 1688, wasundertaken in Defence of Cardinal _Fastenberg_ to the Electorate of_Cologn_; the next War was for the Mornarchy of _Spain_, but theRestoration of King _James_ was always a material Article, and a veryuseful Circumstance of the War. I need not acquaint the Reader how_France_ was reduced in this last bloody War, her best Troops ruin'd,incapable to win a Battle, every Campaign carry'd two or three of theirbest Towns, the Nation dispirited, and Credit sunk, and nothing but adismal Scene of Poverty and Misery: And yet in the midst of all thisMisery, (as the _Spanish_ Beggars are said to strut about in their Cloakand Bilboes at their Side) so this Gasping Monarch had the Assurance notonly to talk of making a Descent, but actually equipp'd a small nimbleFleet with a Body of Men, and persuaded the Pretender to go upon thefoolish Errand, as if he you'd have any prospect of Conquering the ThreeKingdoms, who was in danger every Moment of having his Capital Sack'dand himself turn'd out of his Throne. Cou'd there be a more RomantickUndertaking, or more unintelligible in all its Circumstances, than thePretender's Descent upon _Scotland_? The deluded Youth was carry'd tothe Coast of _Scotland_, but upon what Design, is a Secret to this Day.He was made to believe at his departure from _Dunkirk_, that _Scotland_was dissatisfy'd to a Man upon account of the Union, and that it wou'dbe an easie matter to Conquer _England_ by putting himself at the Headof a _Scotch_ Army; but when he desired to be landed to put the Projectin Execution, the _French_ General told him, he had Orders from hisgreat Master, that there should be no Landing. Now whether this was partof the old Game, and only in Order to make a Diversion, or to surprize_Edinburgh_ Castle, where most of the Specie of _Scotland_ was said tobe lodg'd at that time, is various alledg'd by Men of Speculation. Thatthere was no appearance of succeeding in the main, is pretty plain frommany Circumstances. _England_ with their Allies at that Time were in aCapacity to spare 50000 Men, against which a few poor scrambling_Highland_ Foot, wou'd but have made a very bad Resistance. I am notwilling to think _France_ would send Princes a Pilfering, or that thePretender was design'd to steal the Money out of _Edinburgh_ Castle, aStratagem much more decently committed to some Partisan, or three orfour _Dunkirk_ Privateers. So I think it more suitable to the Prudence,and for the Honour of the _French_ Court, to mention this design'dDescent only as a Diversion to amuse and employ the _British_ Troops atHome, that they might not annoy the Enemy in _Flanders_. But how thisAffair will be reconcil'd to that Affection and Friendship _Lewis_ XIV.seem'd to have at that time for the Pretender, I am at a loss, with therest of Mankind, to account for, since it was exposing him to thegreatest of hazards for a Trifle, and throwing up the Cause at once, hadhe fallen into the Hands of his Enemies, and 'tis not the least Miracleof his Life that he escap'd them. I was invited to have gone abroad withthe Pretender upon this Expedition, being than Free, but the Projectappear'd to me so full of Inconsistencies, I have frequently sinceenlarg'd upon my own Politicks and Foresight in that Affair.

  Thus much I must say for the Jacobite Party, never were Men more baffledand rallied oftner upon Projects or Hopes, but the unwholesome Dietnever turn into the Substance, but infects the Body with peccantHumours, which now and then are discharg'd by Phlegbotomy, and then theyturn to a Gangreen by Amputation. Jacobitism (I speak of it in relationto the strong Hopes they have of succeeding by a _French_ Power) is anuncurable Distemper. I have often wonder'd to hear Persons, otherwise ofgreat Penetration and Sense, grow constantly Delirious upon this Topick.The Wagers that have been lost upon that very Prospect wou'd havepurchas'd him a little Kingdom. Time has open'd a great many People'sEyes; but there is a set of Men who are enslaved to the _French_Projects, and so far infatuated, that nothing can cure them. If foolinghim with sham Descents, neglecting all Opportunities of assisting, ifbanishing him, excluding him by solemn Articles, will not satisfy 'em asto this Particular, 'tis my Opinion they wou'd not be convinc'd, if theyshould see _France_ chaffering for his Head, and finish the Twenty EightYears old Politicks with 100000_l_. being what is set upon it. There isno extraordinary difference between disposing of another Man's Right,and disposing of his Person. There was a Time when _France_ gloried inthe Ostentatious Title of being th
e Assylum of distress'd Monarchs, andI remember I was once dispos'd to have almost deify'd their Monarch uponthat Score; but when I took the Frame of his Politics, and examin'devery Wheel and Spring by which they moved, I rescued my self from thePrejudices I had been nurs'd up in; and though I always pursu'd the sameEnd, yet I was a constant Enemy to their Method, which I was convinc'dwere all directed another Way, and that a Restoration upon a _French_Footing was a Chimerical Project, and that if it had taken Effect bytheir Arms, _England_ must have had another Doomsday-Book, and havesuffer'd once