by Lexi Wilson
“It doesn’t feel like it, not when you aren’t here to share in it.” She stood abruptly, and I could see tears glistening in her eyes. “I’m going to bed.”
I followed her to our bedroom and watched as she changed into pajamas. “Evie, I’m sorry.”
“You’re not, Brett,” she replied as she turned to face me.
I crossed to her. “I am. You don’t know how I feel.”
“And you don’t know how I feel. You’re never here. Hannah barely knows you. You missed all of her firsts, and you are never here when I need you. We’re supposed to be partners.”
“We are,” I insisted.
She laughed. “Then call out on your next assignment; tell them you’re sick and can't go. Spend time with me.”
“You know I can’t do that, Evie. This is my job. I wouldn’t ask you to play hooky from your job.”
She smiled sadly at me and shook her head. “The thing is, Brett, you wouldn't have to ask me. I just would.”
“You knew what I did, the traveling, the being gone,” I tried to tell her.
“Yeah, I know, you’ve told me before, and I’m not interested in hearing it again.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“If you don’t have anything to say then we don’t have anything else to talk about,” she told me as she climbed into bed. She turned away from me as she laid down and went silent. I stood there for a moment before I retreated into the hall. The light went out in the bedroom, and I hung my head. I sneaked a peek into Hannah’s room where she was blessedly fast asleep before grabbing a blanket and an extra pillow from the linen closet and heading back downstairs. I made myself a bed on the couch, pulled my shoes off and went to sleep with my fight with Evie weighing heavy on my heart.
The next morning, I was awakened by a small giggle and a poke to my face. I cracked one eye open to see my sweet little girl staring down at me. I grabbed her around the middle and pulled her down onto the couch with me, and a squeal of laughter burst out of her as I tickled her. I kissed her pudgy cheek and held her tightly.
“Daddy, why you on the couch?” she asked.
My heart melted looking at her. She was the spitting image of Evie except she had my brown hair instead of Evie’s blond. “It was late when I got home,” I lied to her.
“You weren’t here for dinner.”
“No, I wasn’t, and I’m sorry, baby girl. What if I make it up to you and we go to the park today?”
“Yay!” she shouted enthusiastically as she scampered off the couch. “Park!”
I sat up with a chuckle at how easily I could make my daughter happy. If only the same worked on my wife.
Chapter 2
Evie
I was making breakfast in the kitchen when I heard Hannah come downstairs and go into the living room. The rich timber of Brett’s voice drifted in my direction, but I couldn’t clearly make out his words. For a moment I was taken back to another time in my memories, one where we're happy, and Brett's smile lit up my life.
We had known each other for a long time and while some people we met couldn’t believe we had been together as long as we had, others that had known us a long time couldn’t imagine us any other way. The day Brett had proposed was one of the happiest in my life. He had always been there for me, my protector, and imagining my life without him was a difficult thing.
As Hannah skipped happily into the kitchen, I was shaken from my thoughts. Brett followed, and his smile was tight as he rolled his neck. He was too tall for our couch, and I was certain he did not sleep comfortably the night before. I should have felt bad, but I couldn't muster the feeling.
I knew I was being a shrew, but I couldn't help it anymore. When we had found out that I was pregnant with Hannah, Brett had twirled me around the house, as happy as I could ever remember. He had surprised me by taking a sabbatical from working so he could be there for every appointment, every ultrasound, and every kick in my belly. And he promised that after a nonstop stream of job after job, establishing himself and his career, he would scale back, and travel less and take fewer jobs out of the country, for our family.
Both of our fathers were consumed by their jobs, and when they had become detectives in the homicide department, they had been home even less. There were years of my childhood where I can still remember it being just my mom and me, and Brett and his mom, because our dads would be chasing a lead or received a call in the middle of the night to report to a crime scene. We both wanted to be full-time, involved parents in our own children’s lives, and neither of us wanted to miss a thing.
At least that’s what I had thought Brett wanted. Six months after Hannah was born he took an assignment in Egypt. After that was finished, he went to England, and then to Texas. He was home for not even a week when Hannah turned one before he had headed out again. We had been on two family vacations since Hannah had been born and both had been cut short when Brett had gotten a call about an assignment. Sure, Brett had taken fewer jobs in the past year and a half, but the jobs themselves had become longer and took him away from home for more and more time with every trip that passed.
When he was home, Brett doted on Hannah, and he always brought her back a gift from the place he had been. About the only thing we could agree on it seemed was our daughter. Despite how much I thought he worked, there was never any doubt to me that he loved and adored Hannah. I just was not sure where I stood with him anymore.
Before Hannah was born, I would sometimes go with Brett on his assignments in the summer when school was out, but since Hannah had come along, he hadn’t once asked me to go with him. Even though both of our parents had dropped the hint numerous times by offering to keep Hannah, he never took the bait. The simple truth was that I missed my husband and I didn’t believe that he felt the same. When I looked at the framed photos throughout our house, I could remember the moments as happy times, but all I felt was sadness.
“Good morning,” I said, acknowledging Brett’s presence in the room with a slight nod of my head. He grunted out a reply before grabbing a coffee mug and setting himself up for a fresh cup. I turned back to the eggs I was cooking when I felt tears prick at the corner of my eyes. He used to wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck every morning in the kitchen and whisper in my ear that he loved me. Now it just seemed like we were strangers.
“Daddy said we go to the park today,” Hannah told me, brimming with excitement. She loved the park, and she especially loved when Brett would take her, and he would push her higher and higher on the swings.
“That sounds like fun, baby,” I replied with a smile. I plated some eggs along with pancakes for her and set the plate in front of her. “Make sure you eat all your breakfast, okay?”
“Okay, mommy.” She was a hearty eater and dug right into the food. I kissed the top of her head before turning back to fix my own plate. I also made eggs for Brett and set a plate in front of him at the table when I finished. He was silently flipping through the paper, and as I took the seat across from him, he set it aside.
“This looks great, Evie,” he said sincerely.
I smiled at him. “Thank you.”
“After I take Hannah to the park, maybe we can go out to lunch.”
“That sounds nice.” He smiled and began to eat, complimenting my cooking immediately. I thanked him again.
“How was the school year?” he asked.
I’d moved to a charter school at the start of the school year, and it was an adjustment but my first year was in the books. “It’s different, that’s for sure. But it’s really nice, and the people are great. It’s amazing to have the support from the parents. Not that they weren’t at my old school, but it’s just so different.”
“You like it?”
“I do,” I nodded. “I’m so glad the teaching job came open right before Hannah started pre-K.”
“How do you like school, Hannah Banana?” he asked.
“I love school!” she grinned happily.
“She exceeded all the goals for her age,” I told him.
“That’s great.” We continued chatting about Hannah’s school work and the activities she was involved with at school. She had taken a skating class and fell in love and wanted to learn hockey like the kids she saw at the rink, so she was even on a little team.
It was refreshing to be able to eat together like old times, no fighting, just chit chat and laughter. I was clearing the table when our happy little bubble was burst.
“Daddy, are you home forever?” Hannah asked, looking up at her dad with hope in her eyes.
Even though I already knew his answer, I still nearly broke the dish in my hand when he answered. “Not forever, baby,” Brett told her. “I came home to see you off with Grammy, but then I have to leave again.”
“You won’t be here when I get home?” her bottom lip puffed out in a full pout.
“I’m sorry, princess, I won’t, but I wanted to make sure I saw you before your first camp.”
Hannah frowned, and I felt my heart break for her. Brett didn’t know how much she asked about where he was when he was gone. She had started to really notice how often he was not home, especially seeing the other kids in her class having both of their parents present at school functions.
I finished rinsing the dish in my hand and set it aside and turned to my daughter with a forced smile. “Hannah, why don’t you get dressed so Daddy can take you to the park,” I told her. She ran off, and Brett looked at me with a sad smile.
“She sure does have the pout nailed, doesn't she?”
“Yes, she does,” I replied. “But she misses you, so I can’t blame her for using it on you.”
“I miss her too when I’m gone.”
“Then stay home more. You’re a freelancer, Brett. You have all the power when it comes to making your schedule. You don’t have to chase every story, not when you’re missing the story at home.”
“Evie,” he sighed. “You know how much my works means to me.”
“I know, Brett, and your work is incredible. I just thought that maybe Hannah and I meant a little more.”
“Of course, you both mean the world to me. How could you even suggest that?”
I shook my head. “You’re right, forget I even said anything. Excuse me.”
I hurried from the kitchen and headed up the stairs to our bedroom, locking myself in the bathroom and turning on the shower. I shed my pajamas and stepped into the hot water and let the tears fall. They fell for the sadness in my daughter’s eyes, the sadness in my life, but most of all, they fell for my breaking heart. All of the promises we had made to each other on the day we married, on the day we found out we were pregnant, and on the day Hannah came, they had been broken and discarded for years. I had had my fill of it. Nothing changed, and I couldn’t keep living like that. I couldn’t fight with Brett every time he got home because we didn’t rank high enough in his life to make us a priority. He was home for not even three days, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that Hannah was heading to camp tomorrow, I didn’t know if he would even be there.
I just wanted my husband, and Hannah needed her dad.
In a locked drawer of my desk were the papers that could change my life as I knew it. I couldn’t back down now. I had to be strong for Hannah and myself. I never imagined getting a divorce, but here I was. I’d contacted a lawyer three months ago and had the papers drafted. They’d been untouched since then as I tried to get Brett to see where I was coming from. Instead, we had fought the three times he had been home since that initial meeting with the lawyer. Out of ninety days, Hannah and I had seen him ten. A girl needed her father more than that. A woman needed her husband more than that.
I just had to tell him.
The very thought of it made a fresh round of tears come, and as the water turned cold, I turn off the shower. As I was drying off, there was a knock at the door.
“I’m taking Hannah to the park now,” Brett’s voice drifted through the door.
“I don’t feel well,” I lied. “I’m just going to finish packing for her and lie down.”
“Should we bring you back lunch?”
“No, I’ll find something here.”
“Okay. Just call if you change your mind.”
“I will. Have fun.”
I heard his footsteps die away as he walked out, and I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before entering the bedroom to get dressed. Tomorrow. Tomorrow after Hannah leaves, I will talk to Brett. I had to. For all of our sakes.
Chapter 3
Brett
The following morning I woke up in my bed and rolled over, only to find that Evie was already awake and out of bed. Things had been quiet at home the day before after Hannah and I returned from the park and lunch. Evie had made dinner, spaghetti, and we had a nice family dinner. I gave Hannah a bath and read her a story before bed and after she was asleep, watched a movie with Evie on the couch. There was no fighting and no raised voices. We went to bed together and not once did she bring up that fact that I was leaving again.
I got up and headed downstairs where I found Hannah eating breakfast with Evie and her mother, Tina.
“Welcome home, Brett,” Tina smiled when I walked in the room.
She always welcomed me home every time I came back from an assignment. “Good morning, Tina,” I greeted her. She stood and wrapped me in a hug.
Evie brought over a plate of food for me and kissed my cheek. “I made breakfast,” she told me.
“Thanks, Evie. Hannah, are you excited for camp?” I asked.
She started to babble away about all the activities from the camp brochure. Evie’s mom was going up as a special counselor for the week at an all-girls Christian camp about two hours away, and Hannah was going along with her. If it weren’t for the fact that Tina would be there, I don’t know that I would have been okay with my baby going away for a week. Tina was driving the two of them up there, and Hannah had been excited for weeks about going.
There was chit-chat around the table as we all ate, and Tina helped Evie clear the dishes after while I took Hannah upstairs to get dressed. When we came back downstairs, Evie was waiting with her backpack. She passed Hannah her little Bible, and we all walked outside. Evie got Hannah situated in her car seat and whispered with her before kissing her. She stepped back and wiped at her eyes. I gave her shoulder a squeeze as I passed and leaned into the car with my girl.
“You listen to Grammy, okay, sweetie?”
“Okay, Daddy.”
“When I come home, I want to hear all about all the fun you had, promise?”
“Promise.”
“I love you, Hannah Banana,” I said as I gave her cheek a kiss.
She kissed my cheek. “I love you, Daddy.”
I closed the door, and Tina waved goodbye to us before she got into the car. Evie and I stood in the driveway and waved at Hannah, staying rooted in place until the car disappeared from view. I followed Evie inside and closed the door behind us.
“Should we do something?” I asked her, the house feeling empty and silent without out a precocious six-year-old.
“I’m tired, Brett. I’d rather just stay home.”
I nodded. “Okay. Well, is there anything you’d like to do here?”
She shook her head. “I’m just going to lie down.”
I watched Evie as she disappeared up the stairs and then headed into my office. Sitting at the computer, I read through my personal email, trying to catch up since the last time I was home. When I was in the field, I usually only checked my work email, and even then, I was only responding to things that were pressing so after tackling the first of my email inboxes, I set into going through unanswered work email as well.
After I waded through my email, I started to look through the photos I took over my last assignment. I had already sent the ones that my job required, but now I was going through them to find anything else that might be good for a potential coffee table book I had been approached about
doing. I wanted to use more of my unseen work as opposed to filling a book with images that had been seen hundreds of times. I had been going through my old work for the last few months whenever I had a free moment and saving my favorites to a zip drive. I would need to write stories to go along with them if the book ever got picked up but for the time being, I was just enjoying reliving these memories.
Before I knew it, it was after one and I heard Evie coming down the stairs. My stomach grumbled from hunger, and after finishing up looking through photos from the first inauguration I covered, I headed into the kitchen.
Evie was sitting at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around a mug of what I could only assume was her favorite herbal tea. She had never been a coffee drinker like I was, but she loved her teas, and I brought one home from Istanbul one time, probably around the time of our second wedding anniversary. It was a black tea with a bergamot flavor, and she fell in love with it. I had only traveled back to Istanbul twice since then, but she had found someplace online to buy something very similar in flavor.
“Are you hungry?” I asked her.
“We need to talk, Brett,” she answered.
The words were ominous and hung in the air. I sat in the chair across from her, and she pushed a small stack of papers towards me that I hadn’t noticed in front of her. I glanced down at them, and I felt my stomach drop.
In front of me were divorce papers. Evie had had dissolution of marriage papers drawn up, and I was absolutely stunned. Sure, we had been fighting more and more, but I never thought she would do this to us.
“You want a divorce?” I finally said out loud. Saying the word out loud made my stomach churn. This could not be happening. Despite the very real papers my hand reached out to touch, I still hoped they disappeared on the spot.
“Whenever you’re home, we fight, Brett. I can’t tell you the last time you touched me intimately. We’re more strangers than husband and wife.”
“We have a daughter.”
“A beautiful, precious little girl that I cherish and for her sake, I hope we can do this amicably.”
