by Lexi Wilson
“You really want this?”
“I don’t know what else to do. You’re never here, and I feel alone. When I try to talk to you, we fight. What else is there left to do?”
“We fight because you think I should stop working.”
“I have never asked you to stop working, Brett. I have asked you to fulfill the promises you made to me before Hannah was born. I have asked you to be present in her life the way our fathers weren’t in ours. I don’t expect you just to stop working. You have a gift that you are blessed to share with the world. But Hannah and I deserve to be a priority in your life too, and right now we are not. You said when we were expecting that you wanted to cut back and only go out on assignment for no more than a week, and only once every few months. But after Hannah turned six months old, you hit the open road again and have never looked back. Brett, you missed our daughter's first birthday.”
“I made the party though.”
“You did, and eight hours later you were gone. I’m tired of fighting with you, and I’m tired of feeling alone.”
I was stunned by her words, and I sat back to contemplate them. Both of our parents were still happily married, and I never thought Evie and I would be any different. We were both raised in the church and divorce was just not something you did.
“Does Pastor Pat know about this?” Evie was very active at our church, and I knew it was low to pull the religion card right now, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“I have spoken to him actually. I have also prayed on it and thought long and hard about it. I did not come to this decision lightly, Brett. And it pains me greatly that this is where we are at but whatever will be, will be. God doesn’t want me to live miserable and unhappy. I have to do what’s best for me, and for Hannah.
“And you think that a divorce is what’s right?”
“What would you suggest then?”
“I don’t want to get divorced.”
“Then what, Brett?”
I rubbed my face and sighed. “I don’t know, Evie. What about a separation and we go to speak to Pastor Pat together?”
“I would be willing to do that if you are willing to truly put the time and effort into this.”
“I am,” I agreed quickly. “Please, Evie,” I said, reaching across to grab her hands in mine. “We can work this out.”
“I can’t make promises, Brett, but if you actually try to make things work, then hopefully this separation will be temporary. If not, then we can revisit this,” she replied, tapping the papers.
I pushed them aside. “We won’t need these,” I swore. “I will make time for you, Evie.”
After our talk, things were a bit strained between Evie and me as my appetite was gone. She was quiet, and I was still thinking about the divorce papers she had ready to go. She left for an appointment a half hour later, and while she was gone, I packed my things for my next assignment that I would leave for in the morning. I thought about calling and canceling but I had been so excited for this assignment and really looking forward to it. I made a promise to myself that I would get in and do the job and come home. I was supposed to be gone three weeks, but I vowed that I would be home in a week or less to work on things with Evie.
When Evie returned three hours later, I was in the kitchen making dinner. She made a noise of surprise upon entering the room, and I turned with a sheepish smile because I knew I had made a bit of a mess.
“Hey,” I said.
“What are you doing?” she laughed as she surveyed the room.
“Making dinner.”
“Looks more like a bomb went off in here.”
“There might have been a tiny mishap with the mashed potatoes.”
“Tiny? I believe they’re stuck to the ceiling.”
“There is a reason why cooking has always been your thing and not mine.”
“I seem to remember that you could make a mean bowl of ramen in your day.”
After my first time trying Pho overseas, all I wanted was to introduce it to Evie. Unfortunately, Pho restaurants weren’t a thing yet, but I had found a great recipe using ramen that I used to make for her. It was a go-to comfort food dish for years for us. Until Pho restaurants became a thing and we could get the real thing.
“Do you remember telling me the first time we had authentic Pho together that mine was better?” I asked her.
“Going to Boston every time I need a fix was never going to work, so I needed to stroke your ego a bit, so you'd still make it for me at home from time to time.”
I chuckled. “You always have been the best at keeping my ego in check.”
“If not me then who?”
“Truer words have never been spoken. Come, sit down, let me get you a glass of wine,” I offered, pulling out a chair for her. She thanked me as she sat, and I rushed to get her a drink and bring it back to the table. After that, I brought over two plates of food for us and took the seat across from her. I lifted my glass in cheers, and she clinked her wine glass to mine.
“This looks delicious, Brett.”
I had made a sort of shepherd’s pie but used chicken and some cream of mushroom soup to put my own spin on it using things I could find in the house. I waited until Evie took a bite and murmured how tasty it was before digging in myself.
Unlike a few hours previous, the tension was gone between us, and it feels like old times, before we got pregnant, when it was just the two of us and our love for each other was more than enough to survive. We were talking and laughing and reminiscing throughout our meal and I couldn’t help but wonder why Evie would want to divorce when there is so much good between us. I knew that with some counseling from our pastor that we would be on the right path again and this idea of a separation, of a divorce, would be a forgotten thing of the past. We could burn those papers while sharing a good laugh about it.
I only suggested the separation to stall, but I would give her whatever she thought she needed so long as we could take the divorce off the table. I knew that Evie would have a change of heart once we really talked about this, especially with our pastor to help guide us. A divorce was not going to be in the cards for us. There was too much history, too much love for us to throw in the towel. I wouldn't give up. Not on Evie. Not on Hannah. Not on us, not ever.
Chapter 4
Evie
It had been three weeks since I told Brett that I wanted a divorce and he promised to do counseling with me, to work on us. He made me a wonderful dinner, and I remembered all of the good we had shared together.
I let my guard down and believed him and told myself that things would be different. I wanted so badly for things to be different. He called every day the first week he was gone. Then he went three days without calling, and when he did call, it was to say he was on his way home, that he had finished up early but had taken a new assignment, so he was coming to change out his gear and would be leaving straight away.
He breezed into our home and grabbed his things, and an hour later he was gone again. I felt absolutely gutted, and after I got Hannah into bed that night, I cried myself to sleep. I wanted so badly for everything to go back to the way it used to be, and I wanted everything he promised to be true, but in my heart of hearts, I knew, and Brett was just proving it all right.
I should have never bought into Brett’s words because I knew he’d never hold up his end. He hadn’t been for years so why would now be any different? He thought divorce was an empty threat, but I saw it all clearly now. He didn’t want me, and his job had become more important than his family.
I was surprised late one evening by my ringing phone, and I was even more surprised to see Brett’s name on the screen. We had not spoken in a week, and I honestly was not sure I wanted to talk to him now, but I answered anyway.
“Hello?”
“Evie! It’s so good to hear your voice. How are you? How is Hannah?”
“Hannah is fine, Brett. When are you coming home?” I had no time to chat; I needed to know when he wou
ld be home again so I could have him sign the divorce papers. I was not falling for his tricks and promises again. I wanted this to be over, so I could move on with my life.
“Two days; I’ll be home Friday,” he answered. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything is fine. Hannah is good; she’s been going to swim lessons every day since she came home from camp. She’s a fish out of water.”
“I can’t wait to see her. Let’s all go out for dinner when I’m back.”
“Okay, Brett,” I told him. I knew there would be no dinner as a family. I was already making a mental note to call my mom to see if she minded taking Hannah for a sleepover Friday night.
“It’s good to hear your voice, Evie,” Brett said softly.
I didn’t believe him, but I also couldn't deny how much I missed him, and hearing his voice transported me to a happier time. “It’s good to hear your voice too, Brett. I’ll see you Sunday.”
We hung up, and I didn’t stop the tears that fell. My heart felt torn in two, and I took several minutes of silent prayer to think on my situation. When I was done, I grabbed my phone to call my best friend.
Matthew Davenport was another teacher at my school, and our classrooms were next door to each other. Being neighbors, we got to know each other straight away and became closer as the school year went on. I had found myself confiding in him ever since I had started thinking about divorcing Brett and he had been there for me offering his support.
Matthew answered on the second ring. “Evie, my dear, it’s late. Are you okay?” I heard the concern in his voice, and it nearly made me begin to cry again.
“Brett called.”
“When?”
“Just now. He’s coming home on Friday.”
“That’s good, right?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“What’s going on?”
“You know I told him that I wanted a divorce three weeks ago.”
“I remember. You said he talked you into a trial separation, and that you were going to do counseling with Pastor Pat.”
“Yes, he promised to work on things, but nothing has changed. In fact, it’s worse. He finished the original assignment he was going out on early and instead of coming home to put in the work our marriage needs, he took another assignment. He was home and gone all within the span of an hour.”
“You’ve talked though, right?”
“Every day the first week he was gone. It was great, Matthew. He called, he checked up on Hannah and me, he talked about the things he wanted to do together when he got home. He truly sounded like he was all in on fixing things with us and then he disappeared on me. And now he’s coming home, and I have to get him to sign the papers.”
“The divorce papers?”
“Yeah. I just don’t feel like there is any other choice. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel, and we end up arguing. I tell him I want a divorce to see how he will react and he makes promises that he is breaking a week later. I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Ev, you know I will support you no matter what you do, I’ve got your back, but are you sure about this? Divorce is a big deal, and you can’t enter into it lightly.”
“I know, Matt, and I’ve prayed on it, and I’ve talked to Pastor Pat, and I just feel like there are no other options. Brett doesn’t love me anymore. Why should I stay married to someone who doesn’t love me when I could find someone who does?”
“You don’t know that Brett doesn’t love you. He’s never actually said that.”
“He doesn't have to say it. He shows in what he does. If he loved me, he would have been here to save our marriage like he promised.”
“No matter what you decide, I will be there for you Evie, and you know anything you need just ask, but I really think you should think about this long and hard. When is Brett coming home again?”
“Friday.”
“Don’t rush into this. Take some time to yourself and just think. Divorce is final. It’s a big, heavy door thudding close.”
“I know. And I will think on it, but I really think this is it, Matthew.”
“I know, sweetie. Listen, you call any time you need to talk, okay?”
“I will. Thank you for being there for me. You’re a great friend.”
“That’s what friends are for.”
My sleep was fitful that night and the next as my thoughts plagued me. I felt guilty for even considering divorce but, yet I also felt like Brett had left me no other option. I didn’t tell my parents what I was considering, and the only people who knew were Brett, Matthew, and our pastor. I told Matthew I would think on it before making a final decision, so I spent the better part of Thursday lost in my thoughts, weighing the pros and cons in my head. While Hannah was at her swim lesson, I dashed over to the church to meet with Pastor Pat again.
He listened thoughtfully and counseled without pushing me one way or another. Of course, he would like to see my marriage succeed but he also recognized my unhappiness. The half-hour I spent with the pastor was helpful, and when I left to pick up Hannah, I felt a sense of calm begin to come over me.
Once Hannah and I were home, we worked on making dinner together. Tonight, we were having spaghetti and meatballs, and she was helping me make the meatballs. As we danced around the kitchen, my daughter stopped and looked up at me with wide eyes.
“Mommy, why is Daddy gone all the time?” she asked me.
The look on her face absolutely crushed me. “Daddy’s working, baby. But he loves you, even when he’s not here. Your daddy will always love you.”
“But why? Lulu’s daddy has dinner with her family every night. I want to have dinner with my daddy every night too.”
“Lulu’s daddy only works Monday through Friday, and he works nine to five. Your daddy’s job isn't like that though. His job takes him all over, so he has to be gone.”
“Maybe Daddy can get a job with Lulu’s daddy.”
“It’s a nice idea, baby, but Daddy is very good at his job. There isn’t anyone better.”
“I don’t like it.”
“I know, sweet girl. Neither do I.”
I changed the subject to try and keep the sadness at bay, but I knew in my heart that my mind was made up. I couldn’t keep living like that. When Brett came home, I was going to do everything in my power to have him sign the divorce papers uncontested.
Chapter 5
Brett
Unlike the last time I was trying to get home, this trip was uneventful, and I landed at the airport a little after seven. I drove home feeling exhausted. Evie’s voice was tight when we spoke last, and I was certain she wanted to talk about something given the way our last conversation went, but even still I was excited to see my girls. As I neared our neighborhood, the exhaustion left my body, replaced with excitement to be home.
Pulling into the driveway, I was surprised to see that the house was dark. Evie’s car was in the driveway, so I assumed she was home, but there were otherwise no signs of life coming from the house. When I had spoken to Evie last, we had talked about getting dinner when I got home, so I expected to see Hannah and have her fly into my arms when I came through the door. The house was silent and still, and I followed the only light, which came from the kitchen.
Evie sat at the table with the divorce papers in front of her and a glass of wine to her right. I wanted nothing more than to snatch those damn papers off the table and throw them in the trash, but I also didn’t want to fight.
I sat down across from her and Evie pushed the papers towards me, a pen on top of them.
“I need you to sign these, please,” she said to me. No hello, no how was the flight; she cut right to the chase, and I could see the resolve in her eyes.
“I don’t want to sign these,” I replied, pushing them back to her.
“Brett, please. Just do it. I want this over with.”
“What about what I want?”
“What you want?” she repeated incredulously. “I care about what y
ou want about as much as you care about what I want, Brett. Which is not at all. It’s obvious I am not important to you anymore. It breaks my heart that Hannah isn’t important to you. Your job is important to you, and that’s about it. I just want this chapter to be over so we can both move on with our lives.”
My job was important to me, that’s true, but so were Evie and Hannah and I couldn’t even begin to fathom why she thought otherwise. “How can you say that, Evie? I love you and Hannah.”
“You might think you love me, Brett, but I know you don’t. If you did, you would have lived up to your end of the promises you made me three weeks ago. Instead of coming home to fix this, you took yet another job.”
“My job allows me to give a voice to the voiceless, and that’s important to me. Their stories can’t be paused; they need to be told.”
“So my life should be paused? That’s not how it works, Brett.” She pushed the papers back to me. “I want full custody of Hannah. You need to sign where my lawyer has indicated.”
I started to open my mouth, but my eyes were drawn down to the papers instead. Evie had already signed them in all the places requiring her signature, and a sense of finality hit me. She was serious about this, and I wondered if signing was the right thing to do. I looked up at her and Evie’s mouth was set in a firm line. Her eyes were hard and cold, and I realized that I made them that way and maybe this was the right thing to do, to give her what she wanted.
I reached across the table for the wine bottle and uncorked it, taking a long swig straight from the bottle. When I set it down, I let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry, Evie. I haven’t been a very good husband to you, and you deserve someone better. I do love you though, more than you can know. I love my work too though and I just feel like it is so important, especially nowadays, to be able to share my work with the world and expose them to the plight of others, to help them see the way the other half lives and feel something, compassion, love, anything, for people they don’t know but face struggles just like you and me, except on a different scale.”
