Near Extinction

by R. A. Spratt

  ‘Th-th-th-th-th . . .’ stammered Joe. He desperately wanted to put a stop to this but he couldn’t get out one word let alone a whole sentence.

  ‘That’s all right,’ said Fin. ‘That’s what Joe is trying to say. We can go back to class.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said April. ‘Or Joe can take us home. He’s taller than Dad and acts more like an adult anyway.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Mr Lang with impatience. ‘He’s not over eighteen.’

  ‘That’s a silly rule,’ said April. ‘It should be over eighteen or over six foot tall. Joe’s six foot three. He should totally be in charge of us.’

  ‘If Professor Maynard really doesn’t mind taking you home and making sure that there is a responsible adult there to take care of you,’ said Mr Lang, ‘then obviously that is the best solution.’

  ‘It would be my pleasure,’ said Professor Maynard with a smile. ‘I would love to meet their father.’

  Ten minutes later the Peski kids were squashed into the back of an old Corolla hatchback as they were driven home. Professor Maynard did not do the driving. Eric, her ‘assistant’, did that. Although why a palaeontologist would need a twenty-five-year-old, super fit, slab of muscle to drive her about made no sense. The Peski kids knew it was because Eric was undoubtedly a highly-trained espionage operative who could kill you with his pinkie finger.

  ‘Are you going to take us out into the woods and kill us?’ asked April.

  Fin elbowed her in the ribs.

  ‘Ow, what was that for?’ asked April.

  ‘Stop giving her ideas,’ said Fin.

  ‘Don’t be a silly billy,’ said Professor Maynard. ‘I’m not taking you somewhere to kill you. If I was going to do that, you’d be dead already.’

  ‘Wh-wh-why are you here?’ asked Joe.

  ‘Because I’ve got a bone to pick with you,’ said Professor Maynard.

  ‘You haven’t blown up our home again have you?’ asked Fin.

  ‘Of course not,’ said Professor Maynard with a smile, but her smile was not like the jolly smile she used to use on them months earlier, when she was still pretending to be a bumbling academic. Her smile now was more of the type a crocodile might give you before latching onto your leg and dragging you underwater. ‘I’m here to make sure you stay nice and safe.’

  Just hearing Professor Maynard use the word ‘nice’, sent chills up Joe’s spine. He suspected she was actually one of the least nice people he had ever met.

  ‘Why are you here pretending to be giving out science grants for school excursions?’ asked April. ‘Can’t you just act like a normal person for once?’

  Professor Maynard grimaced. ‘We are here in our role as employees at the Natural History Museum because we are undercover and we care about the integrity of our mission,’ she explained coldly and calmly. ‘Something you three need to start doing.’

  ‘We don’t have a mission,’ said April. ‘We’re just kids.’

  ‘I gave you a mission two months ago,’ said Professor Maynard. ‘Your mission was to blend in and go unnoticed. You have at every opportunity and in every way failed. You are loathed by your peers at school, you are reviled by the business owners in town and you have made a name for yourself throughout the community for being annoying.’

  ‘Well our name is Peski,’ said Fin. ‘So technically people would say we were Peski regardless of whether our behaviour was pesky.’

  Professor Maynard stabbed her finger at Fin. ‘Case in point! You can’t even take a dressing down without being annoying, disrespectful and rude.’

  ‘Yeah, nah,’ said April. ‘This is actually pretty good behaviour for us. None of us have yelled at you yet. And I haven’t told Pumpkin to bite you. You should be counting yourself lucky. Pumpkin might be small but I reckon his teeth could get through your trousers.’

  Professor Maynard glanced down at Pumpkin. He looked adorable sitting on April’s lap watching the conversation between the humans. The professor smiled her cruel smile. ‘The little doggie won’t be biting anyone if he gets hit with fifty thousand volts from a taser.’

  April gasped. That shut her up.

  ‘W-w-what do you want?’ asked Joe. Joe had a general rule of giving everyone what they wanted, but particularly violent psychopaths.

  ‘I want you three to behave,’ said Professor Maynard.

  ‘Well you need to be more specific . . .’ began Fin.

  ‘Behave like normal children,’ snapped Professor Maynard. ‘You will go on the excursion to the dinosaur park. You will ask no questions. You will cause no trouble. And you will make no mention of anything that happens in Currawong while you are away.’

  The Peski kids looked at each other.

  ‘W-w-what will happen while we’re aw-way?’ asked Joe.

  ‘That information is on a need to know basis,’ said Professor Maynard.

  ‘Can’t you give us a hint?’ asked April.

  ‘April,’ groaned Joe.

  ‘Oh come on,’ said April. ‘If she’s going to be all mysterious, there’s no way we’ll be able to resist investigating. Better to just tell us the bare facts. It’s probably something boring that we wouldn’t be interested in anyway.’

  Professor Maynard sighed. ‘The security of Currawong has been compromised. We need to find and eliminate the security threat. That will be easier to achieve if you are not here.’

  ‘Are you talking about a person?’ asked Fin. ‘Are you going to eliminate a person?’ He knew this was the type of thing that Professor Maynard must do. She was an international espionage mastermind. But he always thought of that kind of spy business as something that happened overseas in corrupt third world countries. Not something that happened in Currawong. They knew everyone in Currawong. It was impossible not to in a small town. He didn’t want anyone he knew to be ‘eliminated’.

  ‘There is a person, a rogue person, who has been sighted here in town,’ said Professor Maynard. ‘A dangerous influence. We are sure they don’t want to stay here. So we are going to help them leave. After we’ve had a nice chat, of course.’

  Fin was pretty sure ‘nice chat’ was a euphemism for ‘interrogation’, which would involve some sort of torture even, if only psychological.

  ‘Have you met anyone suspicious in town?’ asked Professor Maynard.

  ‘Each and every day,’ said April. ‘Currawong is full of nutbars. But I don’t think it’s political. I think it’s the water. Either that or there was a nuclear dump here at some stage that no one knows about, and everyone has been exposed to radiation poisoning. That might explain the weirdly angry bees as well.’

  ‘What about you?’ Professor Maynard asked, turning to Joe. Her eyes bored into his. Joe wondered if Professor Maynard had some sort of superpower, like Superman’s ability to cut through steel with his eyes. He felt like she was looking directly into his soul. ‘You aren’t as good at lying as your brother and sister are you? You’ll tell me the truth. Have you met anyone suspicious lately? Someone with unclear motives.’

  ‘Y-y-y . . .’ began Joe.

  ‘Shut up,’ said April.

  ‘Joe,’ said Fin.

  ‘Yes,’ Joe finally got out. He was still looking straight into Professor Maynard’s eyes. ‘Yes, I have met someone suspicious with unclear motives. You.’

  Professor Maynard’s smile slipped.

  ‘Burn!’ said April gleefully.

  ‘Nice one,’ said Fin. His brother was not a great wit. It was very unusual for him to say something smart-alecky.

  ‘So you haven’t come across a thin Russian woman?’ asked Professor Maynard.

  Joe hoped that his face wasn’t betraying him.

  ‘Our PE teacher is Russian,’ volunteered April. ‘But he’s not thin, and he doesn’t look like a woman.’

  ‘But we shouldn’t make assumptions about gender stereotypes,’ said Fin. ‘It’s not politically correct.’

  Professor Maynard glared at all three of them, as if she were trying to suc
k the information out of their brains with the power of her eyes. ‘If I found out that you had been keeping information from me, I would become very cross.’

  ‘We’ll just have to be super truthful then,’ said April. ‘Because you’re such a delight now.’

  ‘Just make sure you are on that excursion,’ said Professor Maynard. ‘I want to be certain you are well clear of here while we conduct our operations.’

  ‘In case we’re caught in the crossfire?’ asked Fin.

  ‘In case you’re captured and used as hostages,’ said Professor Maynard. ‘That will drag the whole process out.’ She turned to her driver. ‘Drop them off here.’

  ‘We’re still three kilometres from home!’ protested April.

  ‘The walk will do you good,’ said Professor Maynard. ‘It will give you a chance to reflect on your actions.’

  The hatchback pulled over. Eric got out, opened the backdoor and waited expectantly.

  ‘Now you be good children,’ said Professor Maynard reverting to her smiling manner. ‘Don’t make me come here again.’

  The kids slid out. The walk might be a bit longer than they would have liked on a hot day, when their faces and forearms were covered in bee stings. But on the whole it was better than another second spent with Professor Maynard.

  Eric got back in and the hatchback sped away.

  ‘There’s no way that car has a 1.6 litre petrol engine,’ said Fin. They watched as the harmless looking hatchback disappeared round the bend in the road at well over 200 kilometres per hour.

  ‘It’s like Professor Maynard,’ said Joe. ‘It looks harmless and old, but really it’s a high performance weapon.’

  ‘I’m over that woman,’ said April.

  ‘She’s j-j-just trying to keep us alive,’ said Joe.

  ‘Yeah, but why?’ asked April.

  ‘What do you want to do?’ asked Fin. ‘Endanger us all just to spite her.’

  ‘I’d love to do that,’ said April.

  ‘We could die,’ said Fin.

  ‘Some things are worth dying for,’ said April. ‘That’s the whole reason people have wars. Because of principles.’

  ‘You don’t want to do it because of principles,’ said Fin. ‘You want to do it to be annoying.’

  ‘That’s my principle,’ argued April. ‘I take being annoying very seriously. I don’t like it when people say I can’t. Stuff freedom of speech and freedom of religion, the freedom I want enshrined forever is the freedom to really irritate whoever I want.’

  ‘You’ve been pretty free with it up till now,’ said Fin.

  ‘I know,’ said April. ‘I’m a very principled person.’

  ‘Let’s get home and check on D-Dad,’ said Joe. He started hurrying along the road with his long strides. After a moment’s hesitation, April and Fin scrambled to catch up with him.

  ‘Dad!’ yelled Joe as he burst into the house.

  There was no response. Joe was worried. Apart from the chance that Professor Maynard may have done something to Dad, there was also the possibility that Dad may have seen Professor Maynard, panicked and gone into hiding.

  ‘Dad!’ called Fin hurrying straight through the house and out the back into the garden. The most likely place to find their father.

  ‘Oi, Ingrid, where’s Dad!’ April yelled up the staircase.

  ‘They’re not here,’ Loretta called out from the kitchen.

  Pumpkin barked excitedly and ran to find her. Loretta was one of his favourite people.

  April and Joe entered the kitchen. Loretta was sitting at the kitchen bench, leaning on the counter-top with one elbow and holding a packet of frozen peas to her eye with the other hand.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ demanded April. ‘Why aren’t you at school?’

  ‘And w-w-w-what happened to your f-face?’ asked Joe.

  April whacked him in the ribs. ‘Stop being so superficial. It doesn’t matter what happens to her face. Appearances don’t matter. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.’

  Loretta made a scoffing noise. ‘You can’t be serious.’

  ‘You should be asking her if she has brain damage,’ said April.

  ‘Are you all r-r-right?’ asked Joe, choosing a third way.

  Loretta held the peas away from her face so they could see for themselves. She had a black eye. It didn’t look too bad yet, mainly swollen.

  ‘That’s going to look awful tomorrow,’ said April, knowledgeably. She’d had many black eyes in her time and caused even more. ‘And worse the next day.’

  Loretta put the peas back on her face.

  ‘What happened?’ asked Joe. ‘It w-w-wasn’t P-p-prof . . .’

  April whacked Joe in the ribs again. ‘Let her tell us,’ said April glaring at him. ‘We don’t want to leap to conclusions.’

  ‘I got expelled from St Anthony’s Academy,’ said Loretta, although she sounded very chipper about it.

  ‘Why?’ asked Joe.

  ‘Because you’re a sociopath?’ guessed April.

  ‘No, they don’t mind that,’ said Loretta. ‘It’s a school for crazy rich kids, so they’ve got loads of those.’

  ‘So what did you do?’ asked April curiously, there was even budding admiration in her voice. April had never managed to be expelled herself and she’d certainly deserved to be many dozens of times.

  ‘I hit a guest to the school about the head with a hockey stick,’ said Loretta. She smiled as she said this. It was evidently a happy memory for her.

  ‘Why?’ asked Joe.

  ‘She said something vulgar about a friend of mine,’ said Loretta.

  ‘Huh?’ said April. She had attacked many people, but never for vulgarity to a third party.

  ‘Was it someone important?’ asked Joe. Imagining some war veteran or federal politician getting a whack in the face with the sports stick.

  ‘No,’ said Loretta. ‘You really don’t know do you? You didn’t hear about it at school?’

  ‘No,’ said April. ‘That’s why we’re asking. Just tell us would you?!’

  Loretta straightened her posture assuming as much dignity as someone can when they’re holding a packet of frozen vegetables to their face. ‘There was a visit to our school today from a group of students from an underprivileged school. It is a part of an outreach program. We have so many lovely sporting facilities at St Anthony’s that, as part of our fellowship to the community, once or twice a year we invite poor children to come and use them.’

  ‘You hit an orphan about the head with a hockey stick?’ asked April. She was impressed. This was a low even she would not stoop to.

  ‘It was a group of students from Currawong High,’ explained Loretta. ‘They came to play hockey with us for the afternoon. We put on a lovely afternoon tea for them. There was fresh fruit. In case they had vitamin deficiencies.’

  ‘Students from our school?’ said April. ‘I thought you said they were poor kids.’

  ‘Your school is full of poor kids,’ said Loretta. ‘Poor compared to St Anthony’s.’

  ‘Who did you hit?’ asked April, realising that it would be someone she knew.

  ‘Daisy Odinsdottir,’ confessed Loretta.

  Joe gasped. Daisy had been trying to trap him romantically since his first day at Currawong High. She terrified him.

  April looked from Joe to Loretta and back again. ‘What did Daisy say?’

  ‘I’m not going to repeat it,’ said Loretta. She actually blushed, something Joe and April had never seen her do before. Loretta was usually shameless about the most outrageous things, so Daisy must have said something pretty bad.

  ‘And she hit you back?’ asked April. Daisy had impressive Icelandic levels of fitness. It didn’t surprise her that she could pack a wallop.

  ‘What, this?’ said Loretta, pointing to her face. ‘No, she didn’t do this. I got this when I took my eye off the game to hit Daisy, just as Connie Bene passed the ball to me. Silly mistake. I should have taken the shot for goal, then hit Da
isy, but she is just so unpleasant I got cross.’

  April nodded. ‘You should get a therapy dog.’ She bent down to pat Pumpkin. ‘They help you with your inner rage, by biting people for you when you’re too busy to attack them yourself.’

  ‘That is n-not how therapy dogs are supposed to work,’ said Joe.

  Pumpkin had been trained for months by specialist dog trainers in how to assist an owner in calming themselves. It had only taken April two days to undo all this training and retrain her dog to be a mini-version of her own personality.

  ‘I found Dad,’ said Fin, re-entering through the French doors. ‘He’s okay. He was seeding truffles under the hazelnut tree.’ Fin turned and noticed Loretta for the first time. ‘Oh my gosh, what happened to your beautiful face?’

  ‘She accidentally superglued a packet of peas to her eye,’ said April.

  ‘Really?’ asked Fin.

  ‘Of course not!’ said April. ‘I was being sarcastic.’

  ‘Right,’ said Fin, shaking his head. ‘Superglue would never work on a wet surface, and condensation would form on the pea packet. Unless you applied the glue inside the freezer . . .’

  ‘Shut up,’ said April. ‘She’s suffered a head injury already. She doesn’t want to listen to your pedantic twaddle.’

  ‘But who would do such a thing?’ asked Fin.

  Fin had fallen in love with Loretta at first sight on the day they had arrived at Dad’s house. He had seen her in skin tight jodhpurs, hair billowing in the breeze and smashing her horse through the flower beds. To his mind giving Loretta a black eye was equivalent to drawing a moustache on the Mona Lisa with a sharpie. It was just wrong.

  ‘I get black eyes all the time and you never care,’ said April.

  ‘You aren’t as pretty as Loretta,’ said Fin.

  ‘No one is as pretty as Loretta,’ said April.

  ‘Thank you,’ said Loretta politely, even the staggeringly beautiful never tire of a nice compliment.

  ‘Don’t thank me,’ said April. ‘It’s a curse if you ask me. All those people staring at you and gushing over you. It would make me want to be sick in a bucket.’

  ‘Oh, you get used to it,’ Loretta assured her.

  ‘But where are you going to go to school now?’ asked Joe.