The Lies We Tell

by Butler, Brittany

  “Yeah, me too,” I say.

  Collin sits next to me in an instant. His mouth quirks into a smile and he presses his lips to mine. A simple white lie erased all doubt from his mind.

  “Do you need more time to look over the menu?” The waitress asks. Collin returns to his seat, picking up his menu.

  “You know what you want?” Collin asks as he glances over the menu one more time.

  “Yeah, I am ready.”

  “I want the chicken parmigiana,” he says, handing the menu to the waitress.

  “Soup and salad,” I say, hanging the menu to her. I scrunch my nose. I’ve never been a healthy person.

  “Are you writing?” He asks when the waitress leaves the table.

  “I am playing around with an idea. Nothing serious,” I say, thinking about a large amount of gibberish I have waiting for me at home.

  “Can I know?” He asks, intrigued.

  “I’ll let you know…you might change the ending,” I say, and he smiles. Truthfully, I’ve been typing journal entries and filing in the blank. Writing about myself is therapeutic.

  “Deal,” he says, satisfied.

  “What about you? Anything have your attention?”

  “Besides the lady in front of me? No,” he says.

  I roll my eyes, fighting the compliment. “I am serious.”

  “I just had a release. I am working on a few more things.”

  “I saw that. How did it go?” I ask.

  He looks defeated. “A few bestseller lists; it is impossible to sell much when anyone can upload anything on the internet.”

  “And steal it,” I say, rolling my eyes.

  “Exactly. No one will ever get me like you do, Natalie.”

  I think about that quietly. The waitress is back; she puts our food in front of us and tells us to have a good meal. I am the only stability in Collin’s life. I want to say to him that he could find someone else that gets him. I did. I shake the thoughts from my head.

  “It is good, right?” He asks, wiping the corners of his mouth with the white napkin.

  “It is. Thank you for bringing me,” I say, forcing a smile. My mood is instantly dampened by the boy who runs through my mind continuously.

  “Do you want to help me move tomorrow?” He asks as he places the napkin in his place.

  “Tomorrow? That’s fine with me,” I say. Tomorrow, one week, two months, will I ever be ready to let him back in?

  Collin pays the tab, and we leave. We’ve both made promises to each other tonight. It didn’t work out last time, but this time will be different I have to remind myself that before I ruin us.

  I smile, thinking I am wrong about us. Tonight was perfect. I am ending the evening pleasantly surprised. We probably fight more than other couples, but this proves we can work through it. There is hope for us. We’re the two most mentally fucked up people I know. He has his reasons; I am still unsure of mine, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a happy ending. I press my lips to his. He’s surprised at first, but he melts into my lips.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say.

  He looks shocked at first. I am assuming he thought we would stay the night together, but I need one more night to mentally prepare.

  “I’ll see you then,” he says, kissing my cheek. Tonight changed things. I bite my bottom lip and shake my head as I get in my car. My heart drops when he gets in his Jeep. I know this is good for us, but a part of me wants to wait. I drive off, going to my house to live as a single woman for the last night.

  Do not run. Do not run. Do not run.

  “Do you remember coming to the house the night you were so drunk?” I ask Collin while going through his things. His small bachelor pad is a mess, but I am happy to help. If it means that he is moving back in and we can finally put this whole thing behind us, I will do anything. I just want to move on.

  It is small and cramped inside. It is so not Collin. Everything about this place screams he’s a single, college boy from the lack of furniture and white walls to the utter chaotic mess. This isn’t what I am used to seeing from him. While we were dating, his apartment was warm, clean, and inviting.

  “Vaguely. A friend dropped me off, and I ruined your night. That’s about it,” he says, shrugging his shoulders.

  “A friend? You said you drove,” I say.

  Friend; I let that word roll over my brain for a moment, wondering what that word means. I am not a jealous person, but that word is opening wounds I didn’t know I had.

  “I would never drive like that,” he says, offended.

  “I wouldn’t think so, but I didn’t know you did drink like that,” I say. Even for me, I'm petty.

  “That was a long time ago…it is in the past.”

  “What else is in your past that I don’t know about?”

  “Nothing of importance. It is there for a reason,” he says, and I eye him suspiciously. He’s hiding something.

  “Things like that should come up when you’re married.”

  “I didn’t know you were almost married… Do you want to discuss that?”

  I shoot him a glare. He’s right. I hate it when other people are right. When you start a new life, the last thing you want to do is tell your future about your past.

  “No,” I murmur.

  “The past doesn’t matter, Natalie. It is just a part of the lies we tell.”

  I don’t say anything back. I excuse myself to his bedroom to begin packing his clothes. I need to be alone to think that over. Should I be an open book? I don’t think so. But the selfish part of me thinks that everyone else around me should tell me their past without ever admitting mine.

  I grab his suitcase from his small closet, deciding it would be easiest to dump as many clothes into it as I can. I toss the suitcase on the bed and unzip it. When I see that clothes are in it from his last trip, I roll my eyes. We will be doing laundry for days. I shove the pile to the furthest side of the case, making room for more. That’s when I see it.

  A sheer black thong.

  Carefully, I pick it up by the side and walk into the living room. Without a word, I toss it into unsuspecting Collins face, and I keep walking. I don’t stop when I hear him running behind me, or when I hear his frantic pleas to stay. I get in my car and drive away without looking back. He knows this time it is for good.

  He knows he’s a part of my past now where he will never be mentioned again. He’s a part of the lies I tell.

  When I get home, I am not sure what to do. I call Tabatha, but she doesn’t answer. I Google divorce attorneys in Dallas and begin packing an overnight bag. I am not sure where I am going, but I am staying here like a sitting duck while drama is on its way over.

  I ignore the frantic buzzing of the doorbell and finish packing my bag. When my phone vibrates, I pick it up, finding that it is Jack. Sighing, I answer the phone although I know it is the last thing I need right now.

  “Hello?”

  “Open the door,” he says.

  Confused, I walk to the front door and find Jack waiting behind it. He looks concerned when he takes in my appearance, but his features shifts and he walks in without being invited.

  “I don’t even know where to start…you’re here?” I walk in the living room, falling on the couch and he follows.

  “I got your address from your mom,” he says. He sits in the middle of the couch. His knee jerks up and down anxiously as always.

  “Why?”

  “It didn’t feel right.” He says, shaking his head as if he’s fighting a mental battle. “I let you go easy last time, but I couldn’t do it again.”

  “Jack now isn’t the time.”

  “You’re not just some girl. You’re the one that got away for me…but you’re also the one you go after. You don’t give up without a fight. Everyone said I would get over you in time. You were my first love, it would take time. But they were wrong. As many times as I lied to myself and everyone around me, I never moved on.”

  He watches
me intently. His eyes, as light as they are, are lit with intensity. I would be lying if I said he didn’t pull on some heartstrings, but underneath all of those beautiful words, we are still the same people we were five years ago.

  Maybe this is why you are only supposed to give your heart to one person. I have two people in this world, carrying two separate pieces of me. I know without a doubt, whatever path I choose, multiple people will end up hurt.

  “Now isn’t a good time,” I say again, hoping he will leave. He can be the one to throw it away and run from me this time around.

  “Are you back with him?” He asks, concerned. I am starting to wonder if he saw Collin the way I couldn’t see him in the beginning.

  “No, but he will be over here any minute, and I don’t want to be here when shows up,” I say, covering my face in my hands.

  Why did I open the door? Why couldn’t I have just run?

  “Is he kicking you out? He should be the one leaving!”

  “No. He isn’t…I just want to be gone,” I say.

  He stares at me intently, and I wonder if feelings are surfacing again. I did the same to him; this time is different though. Collin deserves it. Jack just deserved someone who wasn’t me. He needed mellow and agreeable; he needed all of the features of a girl who wouldn’t fight with him like she needed it to breathe.

  “Tell me what’s going on,”

  “We haven’t been together for a while, as you know…he has a drinking problem and he’s just messed up in ways that I can’t help him with. I am not the person for this,” I say, shaking my head. I sound like the worst person in the world, but in reality, I am doing Collin a favor. If I leave, I am doing everyone a favor.

  “We were going to see if we could work through it…I found a thong at his place.”

  “Stupid motherfucker,” Jack mutters under his breath. I nod because I don’t know what else to say.

  The doorbell rings, snapping me out of my pity. I look at Jack, knowing this won’t pretty. If Collin comes in, he will get the wrong idea. I just want to get my bag and leave.

  “Please don’t do or say anything,” I say.

  Sighing, he says, “Okay.”

  Reluctantly, I open the front door. Collin steps through, holding his hands up feigning innocence. It does nothing for my anger. I understand we were living apart, but there is an unsaid rule that you tell your wife before dating other women, right?

  “Let me explain,” he says.

  “You can, but it won’t change anything,” I say, folding my arms across my chest.

  I don’t mean that to be harsh, it is the truth. When my mom finally decided to divorce my verbally abusive father, I asked her why she finally did it. She told me you just know when you have had enough. I am at that point today.

  “It was one time. I was really drunk.”

  “Was she the friend that dropped you off here?”

  “Yeah…” He looks ashamed.

  “Then what was the thong doing in your suitcase? Did she go to the signing with you?”

  “What? No?” He defends himself, looking confused.

  “So it was more than once,” I say. I needed to hear it out loud. Collin looks up and sees Jack as he walks into the foyer.

  “Is everything okay, Natalie?” Jack asks.

  Something flips in Collin’s brain, and he is immediately furious. He looks between us before his eyes land on me.

  “You called him?” Collin asks, disgusted.

  “No! He came over to see me…but that isn’t your concern anymore. Please leave.”

  “Only if he does,” he says, pointing to Jack. He folds his arms across his chest, looking between the two of us. He has some nerve coming here accusing me of what he has been doing.

  I hold my hands. “Look, I am leaving. I don’t care what you do.”

  Collin grabs my wrist before I walk away. Immediately I see he regrets doing it. I glare at him and pull my arm back.

  “Get your hands off of her,” Jack says, his voice is dangerously low.

  That's all it takes, Collin’s fist connects to Jack's face. He strikes him two other times; the sound of flesh being pounded makes me cringe. I feel sick to my stomach as I watch the scene play out before me. Jack just lies there, taking it. I want to scream at him to do something.

  “Collin! Stop!” He doesn’t listen to me.

  I run over to them and attempt to push Collin off; at that moment Jack steps up. He punches Collin once and knocks him off of him. Jack stands up, wiping the blood off his face. Collin is holding his face in his hands, groaning. He didn’t know that Jack used to fight in school constantly and he could hold his own.

  I run into the kitchen and come back with paper towels. Jack graciously takes them.

  “Why did you let him get so many hits in? Are you losing your edge?”

  Grinning, he shrugs his shoulders. “You told me not to do anything.”

  “Not getting beat to death was on the list.”

  “I wasn’t going to let it get that far. What do you want me to do with this guy?” He asks, pointing to Collin.

  Without looking at him, I say, “Leave him here. He’s fine.”

  I grab my bag from the couch, looking the place over one more time. This is the last time I’ll see it like this. Next time, I will be packing it up and looking for a smaller place to live. I walk past both guys, waving.

  “Take care of yourself,” I say although I am not sure who I am talking to.

  “Natalie, wait. Where are you going?” Jack asks, catching up to me.

  “To a hotel for a few days,” I say.

  “Will I see you again?” He asks, watching me suspiciously.

  “In another five years,” I say.

  He smiles, but I know that isn’t the answer he was hoping for. I slide my sunglasses on my face, shielding my eyes from the blinding sun. When I get in my car, I glance back at the house. I’ve never left two guys at the same time. That’s something to add to my list, I think, trying use humor to make myself feel better.

  The truth is I am tired of running. I want a stable future. Unfortunately, before I get there, I’ll have to be divorced, and the two of us will never be the same.

  As I back out of the driveway, I know I am making the right choice. I slip my ring off and slide it into my pocket. I am not running this time. I am just making things right.

  I don’t know what the hell I am doing here. Sipping straight from the bottle, I toy with my ring while time passes. I shouldn’t have followed her back here. I set the bottle down, looking around the living room she designed.

  This is the last time I’ll ever be in this place.

  We are the same person, she and I. When problems arise, we both run-in our own separate ways. She keeps to herself, and I drink. I should’ve told her about my nasty habit, but something about her made me think she could fix me. Looking back on it, I think we were both hoping the other could fix us.

  If I had just told her, I grew up in a bad home, my parents died in a murder-suicide, my grandmother forced me to move across the country to get away from my destructive past, and I had picked up the habit of drinking, maybe she would have seen me in a different light.

  It was selfish of me, really. She deserved more; she deserved Jack, as much as I loathe him.

  I palm my ring, staring at it longer. I cheated on the only person that has ever loved me in my adult life. I drank when I couldn’t handle our problems. I ruined her. For no other reason than my own selfishness. If I am honest with myself, if she came back and forgave me, I would take her back again, even if I knew it would happen all over again. It is a vicious cycle with me. I am surprised it lasted as long as it did with Natalie. Not that it justifies my issues.

  I wanted someone like her all my life. I bounced from relationship to relationship, searching for someone to make me whole. It always ended this way. I self-sabotage. I didn’t mean to cheat. I drank too much, and sometimes girls took advantage of that. I take a sip from my bottl
e again, knowing this isn’t helping. Nothing will ever help. I look up, asking whoever is listening to send help.

  The front door opens and closes. I stare straight at the wall. It is either Jack, coming to finish me off, or Natalie doing something we will both regret.

  “Collin? Is that you?”

  I must look like shit. I look over, finding Tabatha standing at the door. She’s watching me as if I’ve grown two heads.

  “I think so,” I slur.

  “Where’s Natalie? What the hell is going on?” She asks, walking toward me.

  “She left…for good. With Jack,” I manage to say, through gritted teeth.

  She points her thin finger at me, anger casts over her heart-shaped face. I couldn’t help but laugh at her.

  “I warned you that was going to happen! Go after her!” She demands. She puts her hands on her hips, expecting me to listen to her.

  “I cheated. She came to her senses,” I say, shrugging.

  “You cheated?” Her nose scrunches in confusion.

  “When we separated. I am down talking about it,” I say, annoyed. I am not rehashing the past, nor am I talking about my feelings with Natalie’s friend.

  “Yeah, but that doesn’t count, Collin. Get off your ass and fight for her. All of you just let her leave! Why don’t you ever just go after her?”

  “If you’re so concerned, you go,” I say, teasing her. Her face is red with anger.

  “What happened to you? You aren’t the same person anymore…” She says, looking at me in disgust. I am used to seeing that look.

  “Maybe I am. Maybe you just never knew me,” I say, and without another word, she turns on her heels and stalks away. Before she reaches the door, she stops one more time.

  “Take care of yourself, Collin. I’ll see you around,” she says and walks out of my house and life.

  One of the last people in the world I want to be hateful to is Tabatha, she was my biggest cheerleader. But I want to be alone. I don’t need anyone. Never again.