Mr Dog and the Kitten Catastrophe

by Ben Fogle

  Mr Dog dropped to the ground. ‘Oh, no!’ he wuffed. ‘I’ve been caught already!’

  Chapter Seven

  OUT OF THE WOODS

  Blinded by the powerful light, Mr Dog heard movement behind him. Was it a hunter closing in?

  No. It was Zeus!

  ‘Well done, humans!’ the bear growled. ‘You’ve detected an intruder. Now, come and get me!’

  ‘It’s the bear!’ someone yelled. ‘After him!’

  But Zeus had already turned and gone crashing back through the trees.

  A female hunter spoke into a radio: ‘Come in, Noel. This is Patrol Three outside exercise yard. Bear sighted breaking cover.’

  ‘Leave Desi on guard at the door. The rest of you – get after Zeus!’ Nasty Noel’s voice squawked out. ‘My buyer is arriving any time now. I want my property secure and that bear safely out of the way!’

  ‘In pursuit,’ the woman said gruffly. ‘Over.’

  Mr Dog quickly crawled forward until he bumped up against the wall. As he did so, he heard heavy boots clumping across the grass, heading towards the trees, and after Zeus.

  The grizzly had provided the perfect distraction, and Mr Dog knew he couldn’t waste it.

  The security light was shut off and darkness returned. Mr Dog blinked to clear his vision and thought hard. Earlier, in the clearing, he’d heard Noel say that she was calling for backup. It sounded as if she must have at least three groups of hunters posted outside her home, keeping exits and entrances secure for her visitors – or rather her customers.

  Mr Dog sneaked a look along the wall. Sure enough, Desi stood outside the solid oak door that must lead to the exercise yard. The hunter was carrying a tranquilliser gun. It would be almost impossible for even the cleverest dog to sneak in now …

  Then he heard a small commotion on the other side of the wall. The scuffle was followed by a frantic female voice. ‘No! Get back here, you horrid little furball!’ The woman was answered by a fierce and familiar feline yowl …

  Mr Dog grinned. ‘Angus!’

  There was a sudden banging on the inside of the door. ‘Desi? It’s me, Jan, the groomer. That little wildcat has got loose. Help me catch it!’

  Desi groaned. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘I was making him look his best for his buyer when he jumped out of his carry-case!’ Jan said. ‘The buyer’s paying thousands of pounds for the little devil, so Noel wants him looking his best.’

  ‘Who’d pay so much for an oversized pussycat?’ Desi grumbled.

  ‘Someone with more money than sense. They just want to show off that they own a special animal as a pet,’ said Jan. ‘And since they pay Noel, and Noel pays our wages, you’d better help me find him!’

  ‘All right.’ Desi put his gun in its holster, pulled out a key ring jangling with keys and started to unlock the door to the exercise yard.

  Mr Dog watched closely. ‘I think my chances of getting inside just went up a little!’

  He crept closer …

  Desi turned the key and then pulled it out of the lock as he twisted the door handle. Mr Dog raced up and barked at top volume! Desi got such a shock he dropped the keys. Mr Dog’s jaws clamped down on the metal ring before it could hit the ground.

  ‘Not you again!’ Desi shouted. He reached for the gun in his holster. But Mr Dog jumped up and pushed the man back against the door. It crashed open under his weight and he fell through into the exercise yard. Desi knocked into Jan the groomer, who landed hard on her bottom with a cry.

  ‘Angus?’ With the key ring clamped in his teeth, Mr Dog stared all round the exercise yard. ‘Angus, where are you?’

  ‘Mr Dog? I’m here!’ The big amber eyes of a Scottish wildcat kitten peered out from behind a low stone bath where animals were washed. ‘I’m so glad to see you!’

  ‘I’m glad to see you too,’ Mr Dog told him, rushing over. ‘I can’t believe you’re free!’

  ‘Only just.’ Angus hopped out of hiding. A thick collar had been placed round the kitten’s neck, and a long chain lead dragged along the ground behind him. ‘The groomer hauled me out here to give me a bath – but I got away. Baths, huh! I’m a wildcat, not a neat little kitty.’

  But Mr Dog hardly heard. He was trying to plan their next move. He had come here for evidence of Nasty Noel’s wild pet trade that he could take back to Mike and Iona – he hadn’t expected that Angus would get free! Now, with the buyer on the way, Mr Dog knew he couldn’t risk the wildcat being captured again. He had to help Angus reach the safety of the woods.

  But Desi and Jan were already climbing to their feet.

  ‘Come on,’ said Mr Dog. ‘Let’s get out of here!’

  ‘Another daring escape!’ Angus’s eyes were bright with excitement. ‘Let’s go – urk!’

  His lead had caught on one of the ornamental designs on the side of the stone bath. Angus gasped and went cross-eyed as he kept trying to pull free.

  ‘Wait! Let me help …’ Still holding the keys in his mouth, Mr Dog nudged the lead with his nose and freed the little wildcat.

  But a loud SLAM told Mr Dog it was too late to get away. Jan had run over and closed the door. Desi was pulling out his gun.

  ‘Wait,’ Jan snapped. ‘We can’t risk injuring the cat before a sale. But that crazy stray dog is a different matter. Get it!’

  Chapter Eight

  KITTEN CATASTROPHE!

  Mr Dog leaped behind the stone bath as Desi fired a tranquilliser dart. Angus joined him a second later. BAM! The dart bounced off the ornate stonework.

  ‘Well, we can’t get back to the woods now,’ said Mr Dog, ‘so we’ll just have to get inside the house instead.’ He put a paw on the collar and chain around Angus’s neck. ‘Can you lead the way?’

  ‘It’s through that door over there,’ said Angus. ‘Ready?’

  Desi was advancing. Mr Dog and Angus burst into a four-legged sprint and shot across the courtyard. Mr Dog tried to zigzag as he ran so he was harder to hit. Another dart went whizzing overhead and bounced off a flowerpot. Angus jumped over the dart and zoomed through the door. Mr Dog followed him in, then reared up and used his front paws to push the door shut behind them. He dropped the key ring on the floor.

  They were in a storeroom full of different kinds of animal feed and bedding, from bales of hay to berries and blankets.

  ‘If only I knew which key would lock this door!’ said Mr Dog as footsteps sounded on the concrete outside. ‘But there’s no time. Angus! Help me push over that hay bale!’

  Together, with all their strength, they were able to overbalance the bale so it fell against the door and blocked it shut before Desi could open it.

  ‘That was fun!’ panted Angus. ‘Now what?’

  ‘Without their keys, it should take Jan and Desi longer to get in through another door,’ said Mr Dog. ‘Meanwhile, we need somewhere good to hide.’

  ‘Oh! I know, I know! Follow me!’ said Angus.

  Mr Dog trailed the kitten out of the storeroom and into another room filled with food and water dishes, cages and carry-cases of different sizes, and all sorts of cleaning products. Here was evidence of what a big business Nasty Noel was running.

  But it’s not like I can just drag all this stuff out and show it to anyone, thought Mr Dog. So what can I do?

  He followed Angus along a corridor. A strong pong of many different animals filled his nostrils. The wildcat kitten led him into a large room with a high glass ceiling. It was like a miniature zoo! The cheetah lay in a cage next to a pair of Siberian raccoon dogs, although they looked more like raccoon foxes to Mr Dog’s eyes. There were special snakes and rare lizards in glass cases … a huge empty cage that surely belonged to Zeus … and some marmosets huddled in a cage that didn’t seem big enough for one, let alone two.

  ‘Poor Mama,’ said Angus, rubbing his cheek against the cheetah’s cage to leave his scent there. ‘I hoped she could tell us a good place to hide. But she’s still asleep from that dart.’

  ‘Look
at all these poor animals!’ said Mr Dog sadly. ‘None of them should be held in captivity like this.’

  ‘Maybe we could let them out?’ said Angus. ‘They can live in the countryside here.’

  ‘It’s too risky,’ said Mr Dog. ‘A wildcat is at home in a wood, but many of these animals just don’t belong around here …’

  He was interrupted by the voice of Nasty Noel right beside them: ‘Exotic pets! Very rare …’

  Mr Dog jumped for cover behind a cage. But Angus dived for it at the same time and they bumped their heads together. ‘Oof!’ they both cried.

  Noel went on talking as if she’d not noticed a thing. ‘Exotic pets! Very rare. Best price. Keep it secret. Open the cage.’ And then she squawked. ‘SQUAWK!’

  Baffled, Mr Dog looked around – and saw a birdcage dangling from the ceiling. Inside was a beautiful green parrot. She had a rosy orange beak and brilliant blue and red under her wings.

  ‘It wasn’t Noel talking!’ Mr Dog realised. ‘It was that parrot! She’s an Eclectus parrot unless I’m very much mistaken …’ He smiled at Angus. ‘And the D-O-G in my name might be short for “Don’t Often Get it wrong”!’

  ‘That’s Eccles the parrot,’ Angus told him. ‘She’s brilliant at impersonations.’

  ‘And a fast learner,’ said Mr Dog. ‘She sounded just like Noel.’

  ‘Scottish wildcat, Mr Bernwood,’ Eccles went on. ‘Scottish wildcat. Very rare.’

  ‘And so are you, Eccles!’ said Mr Dog. ‘What’s more – you are evidence that Noel’s been selling exotic pets!’

  Eccles nodded. ‘Very rare,’ she said again in Noel’s voice. ‘Open the cage.’

  ‘I see what you mean, Mr Dog,’ said Angus, wiggling his tail in excitement. ‘If Eccles could fly to the police and speak in Noel’s voice, they’d understand! They’d find out she’s been selling pets and come to help us!’

  Mr Dog shook his head gently. ‘Even if we could get Eccles out of her cage … even if we could open a window and let her fly outside … even if she could find her way to the nearest police station … the officers won’t do much on the say-so of a parrot!’

  ‘Charming,’ huffed Eccles.

  ‘Well, I think it’s a good idea,’ said Angus hotly. ‘It’s worth a try!’

  Before Mr Dog could protest, the plucky kitten had jumped on to a cage. The heavy lead around his neck struck the metal with a loud jangle. Full of determination, Angus sprang towards the heavy curtains and climbed up them. When he was level with the cage, he pounced at it.

  But Eccles got a fright when she saw the cat coming for her. She squawked and took off from her perch in a flap of feathers. The cage swung to one side, away from Angus, and he just barely caught hold of it with the tip of his claws, the lead dangling, weighing him down as he swung to and fro.

  ‘Angus!’ Mr Dog barked in alarm.

  The wildcat kitten did his best to hang on, scrabbling at the wire bars of the swinging cage. But finally he fell off and dropped down on to a shelf full of glass specimen jars. CRASH! SMASH! One after another, the jars rolled off and broke noisily on the floor. The raccoon dogs yapped and the marmosets shrieked. Eccles flapped about and squawked like crazy. The noise and the mess were terrible.

  It was a total kitten catastrophe!

  Chapter Nine

  NOWHERE TO RUN

  Angus sat up on the shelf in a daze. ‘Did I do it?’ he said hopefully.

  ‘You’ve gone and done it all right!’ groaned Mr Dog as the door swung open. ‘Look!’

  A very tanned woman in a khaki dress had appeared in the doorway at the far end of the room. Desi the hunter and Jan the groomer were just behind her.

  ‘It’s Nasty Noel!’ Angus whispered.

  ‘And friends,’ Mr Dog agreed.

  ‘Well, well,’ Noel snarled. ‘I’ve been trapping and trading wild animals for fifteen years. Plenty of people have tried to stop me. A cat and a dog won’t succeed where they failed!’

  ‘If anything, it would be Eccles the parrot who sucks seed,’ Mr Dog joked weakly, although to human ears it came out as a growl.

  Angus jumped quickly down from the shelf, nimbly avoiding the broken glass. His lead landed with a clatter beside him.

  ‘Mr Bernwood is giving me five thousand pounds for that Scottish wildcat tonight,’ Noel announced. ‘So catch him, Jan. Catch him and keep hold of him this time!’

  Mr Dog stood protectively in front of the kitten. He bared his teeth and let rip with his scariest barks.

  ‘Desi, put a dart in that dog,’ snapped Noel. ‘NOW!’

  But, before Desi could even take aim, there was a sudden commotion overhead. Eccles the parrot burst through the hinged door of her cage and launched into noisy flight – straight at the humans!

  ‘You must have unhooked the door after all, Angus,’ yowled Mr Dog. ‘Well done!’

  Eccles pecked and flapped at Desi and Jan. Desi dropped his gun. Jan took a swipe at the colourful bird.

  ‘Don’t hurt that parrot!’ Noel roared. ‘She’s worth a fortune!’

  ‘Exotic pets!’ Eccles squawked in Noel’s voice. ‘Keep it secret!’ Then she pecked at Noel’s hair. ‘Owwww!’ Noel fell over backwards. The other animals hooted, hissed and yipped to see their cruel handler get a big-beaked comeuppance!

  With Noel down, Eccles returned to her winged attack on Desi and Jan.

  ‘Shall we run for it, Mr Dog?’ cried Angus.

  ‘Yes,’ said Mr Dog, picking up the other end of Angus’s lead. ‘Only this time we’re going to run straight at them!’

  Mr Dog stayed slightly behind Angus and they kept apart so that the lead was stretched taut and tight between them. Then both doggy and moggy charged forward together! The lead made a very effective tripwire! Desi and Jan caught their ankles on it and fell over on their faces as the animals raced out through the door.

  ‘We did it!’ Angus gasped as they bolted through another storeroom and out into a fancy lounge. From there, Mr Dog led Angus through two more rooms into a grand wooden hallway. Noel’s house was enormous. She had clearly made a lot of money from selling such special animals.

  ‘SQUAWK!’ Eccles came flying overhead. ‘That was fun,’ she said.

  ‘Thanks for your help,’ said Mr Dog. ‘But we’re not out of the woods yet.’

  ‘We are, Mr Dog,’ said Angus, confused. ‘We’re in a building.’

  ‘It’s just a saying, Angus.’ Mr Dog skidded to a stop on the polished floorboards. ‘But yes, we are in a building. I just wish I knew how to get out again!’

  Ahead of them stood the front door – but it was closed, of course. Mr Dog jumped up and yanked on the handle, but it was too stiff to pull down. Angus tried swinging from it, but it was no good. They had no way to get the door open.

  ‘Two people are coming up the path,’ Eccles reported from the window. ‘Squawk!’

  A second later, the doorbell rang.

  Mr Dog turned to the parrot. ‘Ask who’s there in Noel’s voice!’

  ‘Who is it?’ said Eccles in perfect imitation.

  ‘Mr Bernwood is here, Noel,’ boomed the familiar voice of Sawyer the hunter from the other side of the door. ‘I’ve escorted him all the way from his car as you requested.’

  Mr Bernwood spoke in a softer voice: ‘I’m here to collect the wildcat you’ve acquired for me …’

  ‘Where did those beasts go?’ Noel bellowed from a couple of rooms away.

  Mr Dog looked at the parrot. ‘Tell Sawyer to open the door!’

  Eccles said in Noel’s voice: ‘Open the cage.’

  ‘The cage?’ said Angus. ‘It’s a door. Even I can see it’s a door!’

  ‘I’ve never heard Noel say “door”,’ Eccles squawked. ‘I can’t copy something if I’ve never heard it!’ She switched back to Noel’s voice. ‘Open! Very rare. Open.’

  ‘She wants me to let you in,’ said Sawyer. ‘I suppose she must have her hands full.’

  A heavy key turned in the lock and the
handle twisted down. But now Desi had made it into the hallway and was pointing his tranquilliser gun. ‘Here they are, Noel!’ he shouted and he fired!

  As the door swung open, Mr Dog dived aside and swept Angus out of the way.

  The dart flew on through the open door and struck Sawyer in the ankle! ‘OW!’ he bellowed. ‘You idiot!’ He started dancing about on one foot in pain and knocked Mr Bernwood over into a bush.

  ‘Now’s our chance!’ woofed Mr Dog. He and Angus pushed past Sawyer and started running down the path that led across the front garden.

  On brilliant green wings, Eccles flew ahead of them both. Desi charged after them, just as Mr Bernwood scrambled back up – and accidentally knocked him down again!

  ‘Stop them!’ Noel screamed. ‘Oh, Mr Bernwood, please forgive me …’

  ‘Was that my wildcat?’ he cried. ‘What is going on around here?’

  You have no idea! thought Mr Dog. He raced on through the gardens with Angus beside him. ‘Eccles!’ he panted. ‘You can see from up there. Is the way ahead safe?’

  ‘No!’ the parrot squawked. ‘Two people are running towards you. Turn back! Turn back!’

  ‘We can’t,’ said Angus, looking behind. ‘Desi the hunter is still after us.’

  He huddled close to Mr Dog as the furious Desi charged into sight.

  ‘It seems our escape was all for nothing!’ said Mr Dog.

  Chapter Ten

  TURNING THE TABLES

  Mr Dog barked at Desi, but the hunter just smirked and raised his gun.

  ‘This time I won’t miss,’ he said.

  ‘Wrong!’ came a deep roar from the bushes beside him – as an eight-foot grizzly bear burst into sight.

  ‘Zeus!’ cheered Mr Dog.

  Zeus knocked Desi’s arm down with a swipe of his powerful paw. The hunter shot a dart straight into his own foot!

  ‘Way to go, bear!’ Angus ran up to Desi, who was already swaying on his feet. ‘And as for you, Mr Shooty Man …’ The kitten jumped up at Desi and pushed him over.