Black Ice

by Camille Mackenzie

  He scrambles quickly and grabs the sides of my face. I try to push against him but he holds me tightly.

  “No no no. Don’t say that.”

  “Stop it.” I cry. “Just leave me alone.”

  “I’m not leaving you.” He drags me closer and presses a kiss to my forehead. Another, lands on my nose. “I’m here.”

  “You’re here now! Well that’s great. Am I supposed to forget what happened—what you said to me?”

  “No. It would be stupid for me to ask you to forget but could you at least try to forgive—”

  “You said…you said…”

  Damn. I shove my palms into his chest and break out of his hold. It’s hard for me to take myself back to that moment. Back to that hotel room. It hurts to hear the words he hurled at me. And it wounds me to even try to repeat them.

  “You asked me here. I came.” He says stone faced. I can see the memory in his hard gaze. “You said you were ready.”

  I shake my head in disbelief. We haven’t spoken in months. If I wanted help he’d be at the bottom list to call.

  “Stop saying that.” I tell him fiercely. “I don’t want you here. Nor, have I ever wanted you here.”

  “Well I’m not going anywhere so we have to figure this out.”

  “We don’t have to figure out shit. Go away!”

  I take my bag and toss in everything else I need with no care. I want to get out of here. This locker room feels too small with us here. Even that’s a strange feeling for me to acknowledge. I’ve never felt more comfortable around anyone the way I feel with Yuri. But right now, I don’t know what I feel. It’s like my emotions have been thrown into a blender.

  “Leave me alone. Please.” I brush pass him with my head down. He pulls the bag from my shoulder.

  “Hey!”

  “Talk to me.” He drops my bag at his feet. “You used to talk to me.”

  “Not about this. Wasn’t that the problem before?”

  Yuri wraps me in his arms suddenly. A lump moves up in my throat as he cradles me. I try to pull away. His arms tighten around my waist. I don’t have the strength to break free. It’s like wrestling a bear, when all you are is a measly little bird. A broken bird who never learned to fly. All you did was keep staring out the nest dreaming.

  “You are everything that is good in this world. Please, Sage. You have to believe that.”

  I shake my head. I’ve got an arm full of scars to prove him wrong. I remember the look on his face when he saw them the first time. I hear those words. I feel the disappointment. I see the pain I caused him.

  “I’m okay.”

  His lips brush alongside my temple as he whispers, “No. You’re falling apart, and you think no one notices. But I can see you.” He swears in my ear. “I see you.”

  My heart gives a powerful twist in my chest. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You can’t fix everything. You can’t fix me.”

  “I can’t fix you.” He agrees lowering his voice to a heavy whisper. “But you asked me here because you know I can do something better.”

  “I didn’t ask you—,” the pads of his fingers brush over my lips as he speaks.

  “You called me. You told me to come and we both know why, Sage.”

  “Why?” I defiantly demand. “After what you said, why would I ever want to see you again?”

  “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you and I almost lost you. You have no idea…” Tears fill his blue eyes and his voice cracks beneath the weight of his words. “You have no idea how terrified I was. And what I said was born from that fear.”

  I fight the electric current that flows through us. Still I’m compelled to settle my face to the crook of his neck and comfort him there. I never apologized for that night. Or the things that lead to it. My words didn’t feel like they could ever be enough. Which is one reason why we haven’t spoken since. I’m not better yet. That’s the second reason. I’ve done all that I could to get better. I’ve tried to pray it away. I’ve tried to sleep more. I’ve even went on a total body cleanse. I’m fucked up and there is nothing anyone can do about it. There is no way around it. It’s my reality and it won’t change.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not who you thought I was. You should…find someone else to care about.”

  “Little bird, there millions of hearts beating in this world. Only yours has the power to control mine. You’re my everything, Sage.”

  I shake that confession out of my head. But it lingers there. It wrestles with the other voice that tells me this isn’t real. It makes me remember the night he walked away from me when all I’ve been trying to do is forget about it.

  “I have to go.” I find the needed strength to pull away.

  Then I tilt my chin up. How careless of me. It forces my gaze to his and gives him better access to my mouth. Yuri’s blue gaze trickles over my face. His hand suddenly cradles the back of my head where he pulls me to him.

  “You could let me love you.” He whispers in the breath of space between us.

  “You can’t love this away.”

  “I know that. But you have a broken wing little bird. And you can’t fix it alone. Let me love you, more than you love yourself. Let me help you.”

  I tilt my head chin down. Yuri gently forces it up. I need to look him in the eyes when I say this. I have to tell him, so we can be done here.

  “Don’t love me. I’ll never deserve—mmpf.”

  Chapter 5

  Sage

  He. Is. Kissing. Me.

  It’s wet because my tears are pressing against his cheek. But he doesn’t stop. His lips glide over mine once, testing my anger. Twice. That tests my resolve. By the third time I’m kissing him back with as much urgency as he’s giving me. My fingers knot into his shirt. And I don’t know how, but he’s everywhere. Wiping the tears away, cradling my head, and then lifting me off the ground like I weigh next to nothing.

  My mind tries to keep up, but it’s like chasing after the wind. So useless when every other part of me is giving in to him. It simply is not enough. Not now. Not ever. I slip my tongue to his and he groans, dragging me closer and growing more insistent. Forcing me to take him and accept him as I melt in his arms. Up until this point in my life, I thought that nothing would top the first time we kissed. But God, was I wrong. Yuri is evoking sensations between my thighs I never knew could be possible with just a kiss. But before the wave can sweep me away, he pulls back, staring down into my eyes.

  “We deserve each other.” He murmurs peppering me with kisses.

  “Yuri—,”

  Two of his fingers touch my lips. The pads of them rub down to my chin. Then they walk to the underside, where he tips it back up and reunites us passionately.

  “Mmm.” I moan.

  Yuri responds with deep guttural groan, pining my back to locker as he forces savage kisses down the slope of my neck. My hands slip under his sweater, fighting to touch his warm hot skin. He covers my mouth again quickly at my slight caresses. As our kiss deepens, I explore his muscular stomach and listen to his breathing change whenever my fingers brush against the silver button at the top of his black jeans. My heart beats faster and faster as he gathers me into his arms.

  “Sage,” he breathes, while moving his lips to mine. “I—”

  We hear it together. The swinging of the locker room door opening and closing. Suddenly I’m aware of my legs wrapped around his waist, my nails scrapping across his chest and his possessive hold on me.

  “Sage?” Kacee’s voice echoes around us. “Are you okay?”

  Damnit

  I climb down from Yuri like he’s a tree. And we part like one another’s skin suddenly caught fire. I pat my curly bun, still feeling like his fingers are entangled there. Then I move back to the bench to finish gathering my things. Not a second later, Kacee rounds the corner.

  “Hey, Dean sent me in to check on you,” she says, immediately burning her gaze at Yuri.

  From our history together, I know that Y
uri only has about 2.5 seconds before Kacee Montgomery unleashes all hell. So, I hurry my words for his salvation.

  “Kacee, I’m fine. He was just…apologizing.”

  “I hope so.” Kacee says firmly, folding her arms over her chest. “You need her as much as she needs you. You’re not better than her.”

  My gaze wanders to Yuri who looks very out of place in the women’s locker room. He clears his throat and runs his hand over his stubbled chin. Then with sincerity seeping through his eyes, he does something I didn’t truly think he was capable of doing.

  “I’m sorry, Sage.”

  “You should be.” I mutter. Although I don’t know what he’s sorry for. The kiss? Berating me? Breaking his promise? I touch my collar, something I swore I would never do in his presence. But the feel of the fine gold jewelry hidden beneath my leotard and dipping between my breast…calms me.

  “What happened was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “It ain’t just what you did.” Kacee argues. “It’s what you said.”

  Yuri and I both know what he means. I turn my head down while he stumbles over his words. I’m trying so hard to ignore the pang in my chest. I wonder if he is doing the same.

  “Right. I’m sorry for what I said and for what I did. It will never happen again.”

  “No, it won’t.” I reply quietly.

  I listen to him clear his throat and try to push my heart out of mine. “Will you be here tomorrow for your private lesson?” he asks.

  “Maybe. I need to think about it.”

  “Fine…have a good night.”

  Kacee eyes him as he abruptly leaves. I smile knowing she’s ready to beat him if he so much as breathes wrong. After he is gone, I pretend to not be affected by the kiss. I don’t want to make my best friend suspicious. Especially since I don’t even know what that was.

  She helps me with my things and Together we make it out of the arena. It’s a wonder that I manage to not bump into Dean as well. I just want to go home. And I want this nightmare to be over.

  Yuri

  Commentator1: Stepping onto the ice is a unique skater, Sage Parker.

  Commentator 2: Unique doesn’t even begin to cover it, Jeffery. She’s so strong and so artistic. I’ve never seen anyone quite like her. She is a wonder to watch on the ice.

  Commentator 1: Absolutely. She’s a fan favorite for a reason. Sage Parker gives her all to each element of her performances and the crowd just eats it up.

  Commentator 2: She’s expected to take First place over her competitor, Canada’s Alannah Mitchell. Ti—

  “What the hell was that?” Dean barges into my office and slams the door behind him.

  I keep my gaze trained on the television screen, watching Sage skate across the ice in a lace Merlot dress. Her halo of chestnut brown curls adorns her head. She smiles brightly as she takes her starting position, lying sideways in the middle of the ice. She looks like a delicate porcelain doll. I want to scoop her off the ice and hold her to my chest. Even before the music starts up, I know this is a part of her well-choreographed routine, but I can’t help the urge that swallows me.

  “Who gave you the right to come in here and talk to her like that?”

  “You know who.” I mutter.

  “No.” he replies. “No. You are here to skate with her. You are not here to degrade her. It won’t happen again. Am I clear?”

  I bite my tongue until the searing pain becomes unbearable. It is still not enough to cover the shame I feel, for what I said to Sage a few hours ago. I didn’t mean a word of it. I didn’t mean to make her feel, like I have most of my life. Out of place. An outsider. But I did. I was so pissed off watching, Dean that I took it out on her.

  In Russia, I never mince words. I always say what I mean. No matter how brutal. I am blunt and honest. With Sage, I’ve tried to be different; sometimes it works. Sometimes I am able to show her that beneath the surface there is more, although not much. Today was not one of those days.

  “Answer me damn it. Yuri!” Dean demands at full shout.

  I turn my attention back to the screen just in time to see her nail a double axel, triple toe-loop, double toe-loop combination. It’s brilliant. It’s perfect and in her eyes, she knows it. That’s her. I smile to myself. That’s my Sage.

  “Hey! I’m talking to you, Yuri!”

  Dean kicks my chair and even before I’m on my feet, the older man knows the mistake he’s made. Figure skating doesn’t make me less intimidating, less menacing. It has made many people underestimate me. They always end up regretting it. Stand me next to a lion and it’s hard to tell which one of us will eat you first. I’m physically imposing like my father. Though we’ve never met, I feel him in me. He was a fighter, who hit anything that moved both in and out of the ring. That’s where I get my anger from. My mother was softer, an artist and talented seamstress. I have very fond memories of her. She gave me her quiet nature. Tried desperately to keep me from becoming my father. Some days, I think she succeeded. Most days I know better.

  “What do you want?” I growl, shoving away from my desk.

  “Are you using again?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I knew this was going to be a problem.”

  “There is no problem here.” I snap. “And no, I’m not using again. But I’d bet you’d like that. Any reason to get me away from her.”

  “You’re damn right. I want you gone. Get your shit and leave.”

  I cross my arms over my chest and smirk at the smoke coming out of his ears. “You and I both know, that isn’t up to you.”

  “I don’t give a damn how much her uncle is paying you, you’re way out of line. We will find another partner for her to skate with. I could have a line of men wanting a chance to skate beside her in twenty minutes. From all over the world.”

  “She won’t skate with anyone else.” I say, firmly keeping my jealousy in tact.

  “She will and she can. Sage will skate with whomever I decide.”

  “Then why am I here?”

  “That’s a good fucking question.”

  “Because I am better than anyone you could bring. I am best for her.”

  We’re supposed to be two players on the same team. But we don’t see eye to eye, especially when it comes to Sage. Her uncle, Roy Glover hired me to help Sage win gold in PyeongChang. It was never a question if she could. She’d proven it’s possible in two Olympics, but her showing at the Grand Prix last year raised some eyebrows. She took silver which to her Uncle was as good as not winning anything. I’ve led them to believe that winning is the only thing on my mind, but there is something much greater at stake.

  “She’s doing just fine without you, Meshkov.”

  “She took bronze last season. She skates half assed, her technique is off, and she has an injured left foot that you either haven’t noticed or don’t care about.” I move forward and demand, “Tell me again how she’s been doing just fine.”

  Dean takes a step back, keeping his fist at his sides. He’s not stupid enough to hit me, so he opts for the coat rack, instead. He knocks it to the ground with a great thud.

  “Her family doesn’t give a damn about that girl. Her aunt is the worst. She cares about one thing and one thing only--winning.”

  “And you don’t?”

  Those words hit him hard. Dean looks as though I’ve suckered punched him.

  “I’ve taken care of Sage since she was four years old.” He replies standing taller. “She has trained with me, ate from my table, slept under my roof. I knew her mother. Knew her father. I love her like she is my own.”

  “Then where the hell were you Dean?”

  “What do you mean? Where was I? I’ve been here. I’ve always been here for, that girl.”

  “Why did she call me at three am drunk out of her mind with a stomach full of pain killers and sleeping pills? If you love her, why haven’t you gotten her any fucking help?”

  Dean shakes his head. “So that’s why you
’re here, huh? Going to convince her that there is something wrong with her. Make her see the light?”

  “She’s sick.”

  “No, you’re sick. You pump her head with this idea that she needs you. That you’re her grand savior and everyone else is the bad guy. You’ve been doing it since she was thirteen.”

  I tower over him, restraining my fist at my side. “You and I both know that isn’t true. You’ll do anything to keep her skating. And it’s disgusting.”

  “The worst thing, I could do to Sage is take skating away from her. It’s all she has. And if you don’t know that, then you don’t know her at all. And you don’t understand a thing.”

  “No, I understand. I was there. I scooped her up out a pool of her own vomit. I stayed with her all night, praying that every breath she struggled to take wasn’t her last. Me! You useless son of bitch. Where were you?!”

  “You stayed there because those painkillers she took came from you!” He charges. “And you had to protect yourself.”

  “You’re a liar!”

  I can no longer stand the sight of him. I turn back to the television to watch Sage’s final loop around the ice. Her smile is the only thing that keeps me from not pounding his head into the wall.

  “She tried to kill herself that night.” I fume. The words are nearly as painful as the images they conjure up in my mind.

  “Is that what you think happened?”

  “I know it did.”

  Dean chuckles cynically. “She isn’t suicidal. She went to a party with some friends, went back to her hotel room and mixed those medications by mistake. That’s it. End of fucking story.”

  “Look me in the eye and tell me that you believe that.”

  “It doesn’t matter—”

  “Then look at her.” I point to the television screen. “Say it to her. Tell her that she doesn’t need help.”

  I listen to Dean swallow hard. He comes up beside me and I know he see’s it too. The girl skating across the ice is the old Sage. An imposter has taken her place and everyday we leave her there, we lose more of the real girl that I love.

  “You told me you would take care of her. You swore to me. What happened?”