The Poisonous Biscuit

by Paul Edwards

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Helen was enjoying a nice Irish coffee which had been made by Elsie who ran the tea and coffee stall. She charged three pounds per coffee which went to charity, and she made them at certain times of the year to celebrate. Kwiatoslaw went up and got himself one. Elsie poured whisky over a spoonful of coffee and then she put hot water on top and then cream which she poured onto the back of the spoon. The cream would leak from the spoon onto the top of the coffee, therefore not hitting it too hard and going through to the bottom which would turn the black coffee white.

  If they wanted a large dose of whisky they knew to go to Elsie, as if they went to her assistant Julie, they would end up with only a small measurement.

  "You don't half give European measurements you Elsie do you?" Kwiatoslaw joked.

  "Yes, that's what it's all about, who wants a small dash? You can get a small dash in the pub, but I will give you more than that. I'm not using one of those daft measurement things."

  Kwiatoslaw took his coffee and sat down with his wife, whilst she was talking to Josephine. Meanwhile, Sally was chatting to Josephine’s daughters, who like her wore a skirt almost down to the ground. They all dressed like what Helen's mother would have called 'perfect women.' Elsie started walking around with a plate in her hand

  "Anyone want a biscuit?" Helen suddenly screamed.

  "Arrrrrrrrrr!" Everyone in the room looked at her and paused conversation for a moment.

  "Sorry about that, it's nothing" she shouted out.

  This made her feel embarrassed, it was a reaction she couldn't help having.

  "What was that about?" Josephine asked.

  "Oh, nothing. Well, it's just, as you know my children died from a biscuit and this whole situation is about biscuits. I'm sick of seeing biscuits everywhere."

  "Well, all I can say is that I hope in time this becomes less of an issue for you."

  Helen would not touch those biscuits, due to her bad luck. In fact, she felt like she could never eat a biscuit ever again. Everyone else enjoyed them though, as she sat their appearing to overreact.

  "Sally, don't have one!" she then shouted across as the plate got near her. Hopefully, most people assumed it was because of the sugar in them, rather than because of Elsie's baking! Elsie was one of the best bakers in miles. Her biscuits were astonishing. Even shortbread could not beat her, not even the most professional of companies. Kwiatoslaw decided to quiz her on the fact.

  "So, Elsie, how do you get your biscuits better than everyone else's?"

  "Oh, I couldn't tell you. All I'm going to say is that these companies are politically correct when it comes to ingredients, keeping international laws on food, but I don't bother with all that rubbish, if something makes a biscuit nice and my parents and grandparents used it, I will use it also."

  Kwiatoslaw then secretly had a biscuit, while looking back to see if his wife was looking over, and she wasn't thankfully for him.

  "Thanks" he whispered, then he threw an extra pound into the donation plate, out of the goodness of his heart. There was one plate for the tea and coffee, the money in this went to the parish to help pay for tea bags etcetera and keep the hall going, and this plate was for random donations. The other plate was for the Irish coffee, which was sold at a set amount, exempting a few.

  Hannah had finished her phone call, which led to curiosity from John.

  "What did he say?"

  "That doesn't concern you" she replied, smiling at him as he normally did when winding her up. As they were stood there, someone came in the door. Hannah shouted to John.

  "Looks like your girlfriend is here."

  It was Andria, who laughed at Hannah's suggestion.

  "Hahaha, Hello Hannah, hope everything is going well with this new Inspector."

  "It is thanks, although I'm a bit concerned that John is being a little too friendly with him. It looks like he needs some attention, maybe you should go and speak to him."

  "Oh, don't worry I will. Where has he just gone?"

  "Probably in his room. Go up there."

  Andria walked up the stairs, planning on messing around with John a little. She started humming like a bird so that he knew she was getting nearer.

  "la la la la larrr...la la la...... lalalarrr."

  John was getting uncomfortable; he hid under the bed and the door slowly started opening. Andria started heading towards him, then she looked under the bed.

  "Got ya! Shall we do this the hard way or the easy way?"

  John got up and sat on the bed next to her.

  "What do you want?"

  He pulled a face as he tried not to look at her.

  "Don't be like this John, your being boring. I thought you liked playing games. Maybe we should try hide and seek again later? Although I never lose at that game."

  John continued to look upset, then Andria smelled his hair.

  "Mmm, what's that you're wearing?"

  He did not answer, then he walked out of the room. Naturally, she followed him, as he walked to sit near Hannah after going back down the stairs. Jokingly, Hannah pushed them together.

  "Kiss! Go one, you both need someone, well you could have each other."

  John then looked at Hannah as if she had two heads. Yes, John didn’t want to be alone, but he didn't want a borderline psychopath either.

  "Why can't you just leave me alone."

  "It wouldn't be as fun then, would it?" Andria replied to him, adding, "go and hide, and when I've spent a few minutes speaking to Hannah I'll come and find you, OK?"

  "I am thirty years old! I'm not a child."

  "You’re a man! Me and Hannah think that's childish enough, don't we Hannah?"

  "Yes, go and hide" Hannah then joked, backing her up. It was two against one, but Hannah was enjoying getting him back after he always wound her up. This time she was turning the tables but by using her friend Andria.

  John went and hid, as they continued chatting. After a few minutes, the doorbell went.

  "Who could that be?" Hannah asked.

  She opened the door and standing there was a man in a black leather jacket.

  "Howdy girl."

  "Jake!!!" she jumped into his arms.

  "I've missed you!"

  "I think I can tell. Relax, I'm here."

  She invited him in and introduced him to Andria.

  "Nice to meet you, Hannah talks about you all the time."

  Hannah then gave a dig to Andria in the shoulder to stop her embarrassing her. Hannah then had an idea.

  "I tell you what, I'll go out for a bit with Jake and you continue playing hide and seek with John. See you later."

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  While in the church hall, Kwiatoslaw started talking to a welsh man who was into conspiracies. They had a good laugh, as Kwiatoslaw was into that kind of stuff to an extent, but he would not go to the extreme of saying the world was flat, nor would most conspiracy theorists. This man had a good laugh with him, along with another friend who was also into that kind of stuff. The welsh man was called Jeffrey and the other man was called Josh. These were basically the only friends Kwiatoslaw had, ever since he married Helen, as he had no time for friends anymore. Sadly, he had lost contact with his school friends as many people did, and he no longer had the addresses of people who once lived near him as a child, as many of them had moved houses since then.

  Josh was a soon to be convert, so Kwiatoslaw offered to take him for a meal.

  "Let's go out some time. In fact, since my wife is driving, she can get back anyway. Maybe she would appreciate the free time, if we go in your car, today even? I'll go and speak to her."

  Kwiatoslaw went and spoke to his wife, who was still sat with Josephine.

  "Listen, as you know Josh is a convert, and he has a lot of things he wants to talk about, so we are going to go for a meal if that's alright. I'll see you back at home later."

  "Erm, Ok. See you later."

  Helen carried on speaking while they left
the coffee hall.

  Their welsh friend, Jeffrey decided to come. He suggested a place called 'The Oil in the Pot.' So, they put the place into their satnavs and went there. Jeffrey went in his car and the other two in Josh's car. It was a forty-minute drive and then they finally arrived. The only thing was, it didn't look like on the photos which Jeffrey had shown them. They parked over the road and then phoned him to discuss what might have gone wrong. Kwiatoslaw came of the phone and then spoke to Josh.

  "Guess what we've done. We've only gone and gone to two different restaurants. Oh wait, it gets worse. The other 'Oil in the Pot' Restaurant is forty minutes away!"

  "Forty minutes? You must be kidding?"

  "You heard right Josh, extremely far away. But he said we should just go in here and wait for him. We can start eating though if you’re hungry he said."

  They walked over the road, and the waiter greeted them.

  "Hello, do you have a booking?"

  "No, have you got any table available?" Kwiatoslaw asked.

  "Not for a while, in about three hours if that's OK?"

  "Erm, no, don't worry about it. Thanks for your time anyway."

  They got in the car and drove down the hill at the side of the restaurant. When they got to the bottom, they saw another pub. Going in, Kwiatoslaw spoke to the waiter.

  "Are there any tables for three? The other isn't here yet."

  "Yes, would you like to follow me."

  As they sat down, Kwiatoslaw texted Jeffrey to let him know they were down the road instead, at another pub. Since Josh was only young, he was not expected to pay for anything. He seemed to be in his mid-twenties, if not early twenties, so they didn't expect him to be rich or anything, even though he had a car. The waiter came over and asked what drink they wanted. As Josh was trying to decide, Kwiatoslaw was going to suggest he order what he wanted, but then he remembered that Josh was driving. How typical! The drinker could never drink.

  They ordered a starter but decided to wait for Jeffrey before ordering main course.

  At Orangely Hall, Andria was walking around and looking for him.

  "John" she said out loudly, very slowly. She called his name again a few more times. She searched every room downstairs. Then she went upstairs to look for him. Under the bed she looked in Hannah's room, then in the wardrobe and behind it. She did likewise in each room. Getting to the final room, she smiled thinking 'it has to be this one.' She looked under the bed and he wasn't there, then in the wardrobed and he wasn't there, behind it and he wasn't there. Suddenly, she heard a noise. This made her even happier, she knew he was somewhere in that room. It was a strange room at the end of the building. It had no en suite toilet but had a bookcase where there would be an entrance to one. She managed to open the fake door which had books on the shelves attached to it.

  In there, she discovered a room which was all painted pink. There were lots of mirrors on the walls and there was a wardrobe in there. Andria walked over to the wardrobe and started to open the door. As it was opening there were creaks in the hinges. Would John be there? Only by opening it could she really know. After opening the door, what did she see? Another door! There was a key in the door, so Andria decided to take the key out and then walk through the door. Getting onto the other side, she decided to lock the door behind her. There was then a set of spiral stairs, which she started to walk down. The stairs seemed endless and went down and down, presumably under the ground. Luckily for her, there was a light switch that she flicked on after coming through the door, otherwise the place would be in darkness.

  Arriving at the bottom, she ended up in an exceptionally large room. Presumably, this was the entire circumference of the house, underneath the entire ground floor. Unlike upstairs, there were no walls dividing the space up into rooms. This room was massive, almost like a ball room. Andria found another light switch and turned it on, to find that it was really like a ball room. The ceiling was much higher up down here, which was unusual for a basement. It was like a massive hole in the ground, a hole almost as big as the house itself. There was only one question for Andria, where is John?

  She circled the room and started looking behind things. Finally, she got to a folding screen, which was likely there for people to get changed behind. Andria put her head around to the other side.

  "Haharrrrrr!!! Got you!" she exclaimed.

  Immediately John started running across the so-called ballroom, much faster than you would see anyone running normally. His heart was beating fast as she shouted behind him.

  "There's no point running."

  As he was running, she was just casually walking towards him, as if she were in no rush. It was as if she had already caught him.

  Up the spiral staircase he ran at full speed ahead. Holding on to dear life, he tripped on one of the steps. Pulling himself back up, he continued running. He could see the door before him, things were looking so positive, he was finally getting away, no turning back now. Finally getting to the door, he was so happy, like a child who had escaped a shark or a crocodile, or more like a man who had escaped a snake. Putting his hand on the door handle, he tried to turn it. This was to no avail because the door would not open. Being a clever woman, she had locked it, he could hear her coming.

  "You must think I'm stupid. I know how to capture a man."

  He kept trying and trying to open the door whilst looking for other potential escape routes, but there were none. Behind him, he could see her coming, she was getting closer and closer.

  Chapter Fifty

  At the pub down the road, they had finished their starters and were having a nice chat about life. As they were doing so, in came Jeffrey. He looked like he'd just come from a two hundred mile drive or literally left the desert. His face was red and he wasn't well pleased to all outward appearances. He came over to the table and Kwiatoslaw stood up to greet him.

  "Hi Jeffrey, I'm so sorry about what happened."

  "Don't worry, it was obviously meant to happen."

  He seemed quite forgiving considering the circumstances. Forty minutes? Most people would just give up and go home, but he was thinking of Josh most likely. A waitress then came over and spoke to them.

  "Hello, is this all three of you? That's great. Would you like to order main course? Or are you having a starter first like they did."

  "I'll just go onto main course" Jeffrey replied.

  They all ordered and then the waitress took the menu's away.

  "It annoys me when they take the menu's away, you can't check if they've charged you the wrong price, agree?" Josh said.

  "I agree" Kwiatoslaw replied.

  While they were sitting there, Jeffrey looked at his phone and then back at them.

  "By the way, I found out that there is a massive traffic the way we came here. I set of slightly later than you two so I'd be still in that now if this hadn't happened. I told you everything was for a reason!"

  "I wonder what's caused the accident?" Josh enquired.

  "Just had another look, apparently the motorway bridge has fallen down. Wow, I could've even been dead, it literally happened just after you two had probably gone over it."

  They all froze in shock, worrying about those who might have died as a result. This resulted in Kwiatoslaw being more thankful for his life, which he knew could be taken away at any moment. He made this feeling clear to them.

  "Guys, I need to stop being so miserable. Me and my wife are always so miserable lately, but we need to remember that we're meant to be here, even if two of our children are in a better place."

  "That's the spirit!" Jeffrey exclaimed, after feeling morally superior due to driving forty minutes extra than them. In this restaurant the carpet was red and purple on the slightly higher level and the floor on the lower level was stone. This distinction in height between a small number of steps was because it was built on a hill this restaurant. In fact, it was even called 'The Hill Slant Cuisine.'

  As they were sitting there, Josh was talking about his h
istory more.

  "So yes, I live with my dad but sadly my mum walked out when I was about four. Normally it's the other way around, but in my case it's always different to everyone else's situation for some reason. I'd like some normality."

  "Wouldn't we all!" Kwiatoslaw said, then continuing, "so, are your parents catholic?"

  "No, they are not, but I will try to bring my Dad more and let’s hope it leads to something. My Dad is a good person."

  "Interesting, and what are your hobbies?"

  "Hmm, well, I like rugby quite a lot, as well as wresting, they are pretty interesting."

  "Cool, well I'm more of a football fan, what about you Jeffrey?"

  "Oh me? I'm not sure really, I like cricket I suppose." Kwiatoslaw was of course trying to think of something that would unite them all.

  "Ok, I'll write down a list of things I like playing, then you two do the same. I'll just ask the waiter for a piece of paper."

  He got up and then Jeffrey joked with Josh.

  "Has he been doing your head in?"

  "Yeah, ssshhh."

  "Good job we all love him really, ha-ha"

  Kwiatoslaw arrived back with pen and paper in his hands. Sitting down he started to write a massive list, somethings that were on it didn't even seem like sports. Then he passed the paper to Josh, who did likewise and then passed it to Jeffrey. After this, Kwiatoslaw looked at the list.

  "Right, just a second............OK, it seems that we all like hiking and swimming, so I think we can all go for hiking at some point, maybe get a group together, what do you think?"

  "Sounds great" Josh responded, who was seconded by Jeffrey. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the waitress then came over with three plates. Placing them all down, they looked lovely. For Kwiatoslaw she brought a plate with Beef and roast potatoes, for Josh she brought a leg of lamb with mash and for Jeffrey it was the good old bangers and mash. They all tucked in and enjoyed their meals, which seemed to be steaming hot.