The Flashman Papers: The Complete 12-Book Collection

by George MacDonald Fraser

“I won’t have it!” snarls he, and that wild glitter came into his pale eyes. “Is there no indecency beneath you? Have you no fear of God, you animal? Will you fly in the face of His sacred law, damn your eyes?”

  I might have expected this, when I came to think of it. Not the least of Captain Spring’s eccentricities was that while he’d got crimes on his conscience that Nero would have bilked at, he was a fanatic for the proprieties, like Sunday observance and afternoon tea – he’d drop manacled niggers overboard at a sight of the white duster, but he was a stickler when it came to lining out the hymns while his equally demented wife pumped her accordion and his crew of brigands sang “Let us with a gladsome mind”. All the result of boning up the Thirty-nine Articles, I don’t doubt.

  “What else could I do?” I pleaded, while he swore and stamped about the room, snarling about blasphemy and the corruption of the public school system. “The old faggot as good as promised that if I didn’t take her, she’d whistle up the pigs3. Don’t you see – if I jolly her along, it’s a safe passage out, and then, goodbye Mrs Willinck. Or Comber, as the case may be. But if I jilt her, it’s both our necks!” I near as told him I’d done it before, with Duchess Irma in Strackenz, but from the look of him he’d have burst a blood vessel, with luck.

  “Why in God’s name did I ever ship you aboard the College?” cries he, clenching his hands in fury. “You’re a walking mass of decay, porcus ex grege diaboli!m” But he wasn’t too far gone to see reason, and calmed down eventually. “Well,” says he, giving me his most baleful glower, “if your forehead is brazen enough for this – God have mercy on your soul. Which he won’t. Bah! Why the hell should I care? I can say with Ovid, video meliora proboque, deteriora sequorn. Now, get out of my sight!”

  He’d given me a scare, though, I can tell you. Even now, I couldn’t be sure that some quirk of that diseased mind wouldn’t make him blurt out to Susie that her intended was already a husband and father. So I was doubly uneasy, and puzzled, when Susie bade the pair of us that night to a supper party à trois in her salon – we’d had our meals on trays in our rooms since our arrival, and besides, I knew Susie’s first good opinion of Spring had worn thin. I’d given her a fair notion of the kind of swine he was, and since he could never conceal his delightful nature for long, she’d been able to judge for herself.

  “A small celebration,” was how she described it when we sat down in her salon. “I daresay, captain, that Beauchamp ’as given you our happy news.” And she beamed on me; she was dressed to her peak, which was dazzlingly vulgar, but I have to say that she didn’t look a year more than her pretended age, and deuced handsome. To my relief, Spring played up, and pledged her happiness; he didn’t include me, and he wasn’t quite Pickwick yet, but at least his tone was civil and he didn’t smash the crockery.

  Mind you, I’ve been at dinners I’ve enjoyed more. Susie, for once, seemed nervous, which I put down to girlish excitement; she prattled about slave prices, and the cost of high-bred yellows, and how the Cuban market was sky-high these days, and the delicacy of octoroon fancies, who didn’t seem to be able to stand the pace in her trade at all; Spring answered her, more or less, and they had a brief discussion on the breeding of sturdier stock by mating black Africans with mulattos, which is a capital topic over the pudding. But by and by he said less and less, and that none too clearly; I was just beginning to wonder if the drink had got to him for once when he suddenly gave a great sigh, and a staring yawn, caught at his chair arms as though to rise, and then fell face foremost into the blancmange.

  Susie glanced at me, lifting a warning finger. Then she got up, pulled his face out of the mess, and pushed up one eyelid. He was slumped like a sawdust doll, his face purple.

  “That’s all right,” says she. “Brutus!” And before my astonished eyes the butler went out, and presently in came two likely big coves in reefer jackets. At a nod from Susie, they hefted Spring out of his chair, and without a word bore him from the room. Susie sauntered back to her place, took a sip of wine, and smiled at my amazement.

  “Well,” says she, “we wouldn’t ’ave wanted ’im along on our ’oneymoon, would we?”

  For a moment I was appalled. “You’re not letting the bogies have him? He’ll peach! For God’s sake, Susie, he’ll—”

  “If he does any peachin’, it’ll be in Cape Town,” says she. “You don’t think I’d be as silly as that, do you – or serve ’im such a mean turn?” She laughed and patted my hand. “’E don’t deserve that – anyone who put out Peter Omo’undro’s light must ’ave some good in ’im. Anyway, if it wasn’t for the likes o’ your Captain Spring, where’d I get my wenches? But I didn’t fancy ’im above ’alf, from the first – mostly ’cos ’e didn’t mean you no good. I seen ’im watchin’ you, an’ mutterin’ ’is Italian or wotever it was. So,” says she lightly, “I just passed the word to some good friends o’ mine – you need ’em in my business, believe me – an’ by the time ’e wakes up ’e’ll’ave the prospect of a nice long voyage to cure ’is poor achin’ ’ead. Well, don’t look so shocked, dearie – ’e’s not the first to be shanghaied from this ’ouse, I can tell you!”

  Well, it was capital – in its way, but it was also food for thought. Offhand, I couldn’t think of a better place for J. C. Spring than a long-hauler bound for South Africa, with a bucko mate kicking his arse while he holystoned the deck (although knowing the bastard, by the time they made Table Bay he would probably be the mate, if not more). He’d have been better fed to the fish, of course, but we must just take what benevolent providence sends us, and be thankful. On the other hand, it was a mite disturbing to discover that my bride-to-be was a lady of such ruthless resource. There she was, all pink and plump and pretty, selecting a grape, dusting it with sherbert, and popping it into my mouth with a fond smirk and a loving kiss that was like being hit in the face by a handful of liver – and not two minutes earlier she’d had a dinner guest trepanned before he’d even had his coffee. It occurred to me that severing our marriage tie in California would call for tactful management; hell hath no fury, and so forth, and I didn’t want to find myself bound for Sydney on a hellship, or dropped into Frisco Bay with my legs broken.

  No, it bore thinking on. I’d always known that although Susie was a perfect fool for any chap with a big knocker, she was also a woman of character – she managed her slave-whores with a rod of iron, kindly enough but standing no nonsense, and the cool way she’d taken Omohundro’s demise, and seen Spring outward bound with a bellyful of puggle just because he was in the way, showed that she could be even harder than I’d have believed. But I was committed now – it was California or bust with a vengeance, and the only safe way when all was said. If I played my cards cleverly, I might even come out with a neat profit which should see me home in style, there to enjoy the fruits of the late unlamented Morrison’s labours. With luck I’d be back with my loving Elspeth after a total absence of about eighteen months – just nice time for the Bryant scandal to have died down. And there was no possibility that Susie would ever be able to trace her absconding spouse; she knew I was English, but nothing more, for Spring had naturally backed up my imposture as Beauchamp Millward Comber. I was clear there.

  So now, once I’d put behind me the uncomfortable recollection of Spring with his beard soaked in custard being whisked off by the crimps, I gave my full attention to my betrothed, congratulating her on the smart way she’d recruited him back to the merchant marine, and regarding her with an admiration and respect which were by no means assumed.

  “You’re sure you don’t mind?” says she. “I know it was a bit sudden-like, but I couldn’t ’ave abided ’avin’ ’im along, with that ugly phiz of ’is, an’ those awful creepy eyes. Fair gave me the shakes. An’ Jake an’ Captain Roger, they’ll see ’im well away, an’ never a word about it. An’ we can be just the two of us, can’t we?” She subsided on to my lap, slipped her arms round my neck, pecked me gently on the lips, and gazed adoringly into my eyes. “Ow, Beechy, I
’m that ’appy with you! Now, ’ave you ’ad enough to eat? Wouldn’t fancy a nice piece of fruit for dessert? I think you would,” she giggles, and she took a peach, teased me with it, and then pushed it down the front of her dress between her breasts. “Go on, now – eat it all up, like a good boy.”

  We started up-river two days later, and if you haven’t seen a bawdy house flitting you’ve missed an unusual sight. The entire contents of the house were shipped down to the levee on about a dozen carts, and then Susie’s twenty sluts were paraded with their baggage in the hall, under the stern eye of their mistress. I hadn’t been invited to be on hand, but I watched through the crack of the salon door, and you never saw anything so pretty. They were all dressed in the most modest of crinolines, with their bonnets tied under their chins, like a Sunday school treat, chattering away and only falling silent and bobbing a respectful curtsey as Susie came opposite each one, checking her name and that she’d got all her possessions.

  “Claudia … got your portmanteau an’ your bandbox? … good … brushed your teeth, ’ave you? Very well … let’s see, Marie … are those your best gloves? No, I’ll lay they’re not, so just you change ’em this minute – no, not your black velvet ones, you goose, you’re goin’ on a steamboat! Now, then, Cleonie … oh, I declare white does suit you best of anythin’… why, you look proper virginal … wot are you now – thirty dollars, isn’t it? Well, I must be goin’ simple, you’re a fifty if ever I saw one. Ne’er mind … no, Aphrodite, you don’t wear your bonnet on the back of your ’ead … I know it shows you off, but that’s not what we want, dear, is it? You’re a young lady on your travels, not summat in a shop window … that’s better … stand up straight, Stephanie, there’s nothin’ becomes a female less than a slouch … Josephine, your dress is too short by a mile, you’ll lengthen it the minute we’re aboard. Don’t pout at me, miss, your ankles won’t get fat just ’cos they’re covered. Now, then, shoulders back, all of you, duck your heads just a little, hands folded, that’s right … eyes down … very pretty indeed. Good.”

  She walked back along the line, well satisfied, and then addressed them.

  “Now, I want you gels to pay careful heed to me. On the boat, and indeed all the way to California, you’ll behave yourselves like young ladies – an’ I mean real ladies, not the kind of young ladies we talk about ’ere for the benefit of gentlemen, you hear? You’ll go always two an’ two, an’ you will not encourage or countenance the attention of any men you chance to meet – an’ there’ll be plenty of ’em, so take care. You won’t heed any man if he addresses you, you won’t talk to ’em, you won’t look at ’em. Is that clear?”

  “Yes, Miz Susie, ma’am.” It was like a chorus of singing birds, soft and clear.

  “Nor you won’t stand nor look nor even think so’s to attract a man’s attention. You know what I mean. An’ bear in mind, I’ve forgotten more about takin’ a man’s eye than you’ll ever know, an’ if I catch you at it, it’s six of the cane, so there! You’re not workin’ till we get to California, none of you – an’ you’re not flirtin’ private, neither. Well?”

  “Yes, Miz Susie, ma’am,” very subdued this time.

  “Now, you’re all good gels, I know that. It’s why you’re ’ere.” Susie smiled as she looked along the line, for all the world like a head mistress at prize-giving. “An’ I’m pleased an’ proud of all of you. But none of you’ve been outside Awlins in your lives – yes, Medea, I know you an’ Eugenie bin to ’Avana, but you didn’t get outdoors much, did you? But where you’re goin’ now is very different, an’ I daresay there’ll be trials an’ temptations along the way. Well, you must just bear with ’em an’ resist ’em, an’ I promise you this – when we get to California you’ll ’ave nothin’ but the best gentlemen to accommodate, an’ if you’re good an’ do well, I’ll see each one of you settled comfortable for life, an’ you know I mean it.” She paused and drew herself up. “But any saucy miss that’s wilful or disobedient or won’t be told … I’ll sell ’er down the river quicker than look – an’ you know I mean that, too. Some of you remember Poppaea, do you? – well, that contrary piece is bein’ whipped to hoe cotton on the Tombigbee this very minute, an’ ruin’ the day. So take heed.”

  “Yes, Miz Susie, ma’am,” in a whisper, with one little sob.

  “Well, we’ll say no more about that … now, don’t cry, Marie – I know you’re a good gel, dear.” Susie clapped her hands sharply. “Into the carriages with you – don’t run, an’ don’t chatter, an’ Brutus’ll see your bags on to the wagon.”

  No doubt it was the vision of all that enchanting tail lined up in the hall below that had drawn me through the salon door during Susie’s address; one of the sluts, Aphrodite, I think, a jet-black houri with sinful eyes, had caught sight of me and nudged her neighbour, and they had both looked away and tried not to giggle; it wouldn’t do to draw back, so I sauntered down the stairs and Susie saw me just as she was dismissing them.

  “Wait, gels!” she beamed and held out a hand to me. “You should know – this is your new master … or will be very soon. Make your curtsies to Mister Beauchamp Comber, gels – there, that’s elegant!” As she passed her arm through mine I nodded offhand and said, “Ladies” as twenty bonneted heads ducked in my direction, and twenty graceful figures bobbed – by George, I daren’t stare or I’d have started to drool. Every colour from ebony and coffee brown to cream and all but pure white – and every size and shape: tall and petite, statuesque and slender, lissom and plump, and all of ’em fit to illustrate the Arabian Nights. They fluttered out, whispering, and Susie squeezed my hand.

  “Ain’t they sweet, though? That’s our fortune, my love.”

  One of them lingered a moment, telling Brutus to mind how he carried her parrot’s cage “—for he does not like to be shaken, do you, my little pet-pigeon?” She had a soft Creole accent, well-spoken, and just the way she posed, tapping the cage, and the little limp gesture she made to Brutus, told me that she was showing off for the new boss: she was a creamy high-yaller, all in snowy crinoline, with her bonnet far enough back to show an unusual coiffure, sleek black and parted in the centre; a face like a wayward saint, but with a slow, soft-footed walk to the door that spoke a rare conceit.

  “M’m,” says Susie. “That’s Cleonie – if she ’adn’t turned back I’d ha’ thought she was sickenin’ for somethin’. I may ’ave to think about takin’ the cane to ’er – yet you can’t blame ’er for doin’ wot makes ’er valuable, can you? Know wot she can make for us in a year? – fifteen thousand dollars an’ more – an’ that’s workin’ ’er easy. Now then …” She pecked me and winked. “Let’s be off – we don’t want to keep a very important gentleman waitin’, do we?”

  Who that gentleman was I discovered when we boarded the Choctaw Queen at the levee just as dusk was falling – for we’d agreed I must run no risk of being recognised, and that I’d keep out of public view in daylight until we reached Westport. Susie had bespoken the entire texas deck on the steamboat, which was one of the smaller stern-wheelers, and when we’d made our way through the bustling waterfront and its confusion of cargo and passengers milling under the flares (me with my collar well up and my hat pulled down), up the gangway past the saluting conductor, to the texas and its little private saloon – there in the sudden light of chandeliers was a table spread with crystal and silver, and nigger waiters in livery, and a band of fiddlers scraping away, and the big red-faced skipper himself, all consequence and whiskers, bowing over Susie’s hand and clasping mine heartily, while a little clergyman bustled up, solemnly asmirk, and a couple of sober coves behind looked wise and made play with pens and certificates.

  “Well, now, that’s just fine!” cries the skipper. “Welcome ’board, Miz Willinck, ma’am, an’ you too, suh, kindly welcome! All ready, ma’am, as you see – Revn’d Hootkins, an’ heah Mistah Grace, the magistrate, an’ clerk an’ all!” He waved a great hand, and I realised that the crafty bitch had brought me up to scrat
ch all unawares – she was smiling at me, wide-eyed and eager, and the skipper was clapping my back, and the magistrate inquiring that I was Beauchamp Comber, bachelor of sound mind and good standing, wasn’t that so, while the clerk scribbled away and blotted the page in haste, and had to start again, and we both wrote our names, Susie’s hand shaking as she held the quill – and then we stood side by side while the little sky-pilot fumbled his book and cleared his throat and said shet the doah, there, an’ keep them fiddlers quiet, till we do this thing solemn an’ fittin’, now then … Susan Willinck, widder … an’ Bochump, how you say that? Bee-chum, that a fact? … we bein’ gathered in the sight o’ God an’ these heah witnesses … holy matrimony … procreation, yeah, well … long as ye both shall live … you got the ring, suh? … you hain’t? … lady has the ring, well, that’s a new one, but pass it over to him, anyhow, an’ you, suh, lay a-holt the bride’s hand, that’s it now …

  I heard the bells boom over Strackenz Cathedral, and smelt the musk of incense, and felt the weight of the crown jewels and Irma’s hand cold in mine … and then it was Elspeth’s warm and holding firm, with little Abercrombie watching that I didn’t make a bolt for the abbey door, and Morrison’s irritable mutter that if there wisnae suffeeshent carriages for the aunts and cousins they could dam’ weel walk tae the weddin’ breakfast … and I was at the peephole looking down on Ranavalona’s massive black nakedness while her handmaidens adminstered the ceremonial bath – not that there’d been any wedding ceremonial there, but it had been a ritual preliminary, in its way, to my union with that ghastly nigger monster … Irma’s face turning, icy and proud, her lips barely brushing my cheek … Elspeth glowingly lovely, golden curls under her bridal veil, red lips open under mine … that mad black female gorilla grunting as she flung off her robe and grabbed my essentials … I don’t know what conjured up these visions of my previous nuptials, really; I suppose I’m just a sentimental chap at bottom. And now it was Susie’s plump face upturned to mine, and the fiddlers were striking up while the skipper and magistrate applauded and cried congratulations, the nigger waiters passed the plates with mirthful beams, with corks popping and Susie squealing with laughter as the skipper gallantly claimed the privilege of kissing the bride, and the little clergyman said, well, just a touch o’ the rye, thank’ee, no, nothin’ with it, an’ keep it comin’ …