The Flashman Papers: The Complete 12-Book Collection

by George MacDonald Fraser

  So I thought, in my drowsy waking, like the optimistic idiot I was. You’d think I’d have known better, after twenty years of counting chickens which turned out to be ravening vultures. For China had done no more than spar gently with me as yet, and the first gruesome round of the real battle was only three days away.

  That was the time it took from the Yangtse to the mouth of the Peiho, the great waterway to Pekin, and you must take a squint at the map if you’re to follow what happened to me next. The mouth of the Peiho was guarded by the famous Taku Forts, from which we had been bloodily repulsed the previous year, when the Yankees, watching on the touchline, had thrown their neutrality overboard in the crisis and weighed in to help pull Cousin John Bull out of the soup.21 The Forts were still there, dragon’s teeth on either bank, and since Elgin couldn’t tell whether the Manchoos would let us pass peacefully or blow us to bits, he and Grant had wisely landed eight miles farther up the coast, at the Pehtang, from whence they and the Frogs could march inland and take the Forts from the landward side, if the Chinks showed any disposition to dispute our passage.

  From the Peiho mouth to the Pehtang the sea was covered with our squadrons; to the south, guarded by fighting ships, were the river transports waiting to enter the Peiho when the Forts had been silenced; for the moment they lay safe out of range. Farther north was the main fleet, a great forest of masts and rigging and smoking funnels – troop transports with their tow vessels, supply ships, fighting sail, steamships, and gunboats, and even junks and merchantmen and sampans, with the small boats scuttling between ’em like water-beetles, rowed by coolies or red-faced tars in white canvas and straw hats. It takes a powerful lot of shipping, more than two hundred bottoms, to land 15,000 men, horse, foot, guns, and commissariat, which was what Grant and Montauban had done almost two weeks earlier, and by all accounts it was still bedlam at the Pehtang landing-place.

  “Won’t have you ashore until tomorrow, colonel, at this rate,” says my sloop commander, and being impatient by now to be off his pitching little washtub, I took a look at the long flat coast-line a bare mile away, and made a damned fool suggestion.

  We were about half-way between Peiho and Pehtang, in the middle of the fleet, but over on the coast itself there seemed to be one or two flat-bottoms putting in, landing horses on the beach. “Could your launch set me down yonder?” says I, and he scratched his head and said he supposed so, with the result that half an hour later we were pitching through the surf to an improvised landing-stage where a mob of half-naked coolies were manhandling a pontoon from which syces were leading horses ashore – big ugly Walers, they were, rearing and neighing like bedamned as they shied at the salt foam. There was a pink-faced youth in a red turban and grey tunic cussing the handlers richly as I splashed ashore.

  “Get your fingers in his nose, can’t you?” squeaks he. “Oh, my stars! He ain’t a sheep, you know!”

  I hailed him, and his name was Carnac, I remember, subaltern in Fane’s horse, an enterprising lad who, like me, had decided to come in by a side door. The Walers were remounts for his regiment, which he reckoned was somewhere on the causeway between Pehtang and Sinho – a glance at the map will show you how we were placed.

  “Fane don’t care to be kept waiting,” says he, “and we’ll need these dam’ screws tomorrow, I imagine. So I’m going to take ’em over there while the tide’s still out –” he gestured north over the mud-flats which stretched away for miles into the misty distance. “Our people ought to be in Sinho by now. That’s over there.” And he pointed dead ahead. “About five miles, but there may be Tartars in between, so I’m taking no chances.”

  “Stout fella,” says I. “Got a buckshee Waler for a poor staff colonel, have you? I’m looking for Lord Elgin.”

  “Dunno where he is – Pehtang, prob’ly,” says the lad. “But Sir Hope Grant’s sure to be on the causeway, where we’re going.”

  “He’ll do,” says I, and when the last of his Walers was ashore, and the syces had mounted, we trotted off across the flat. It was muddy tidal sand as far as you could see, with little pools drying in the morning sun, but the mist was burning away, and presently we heard the thump of guns ahead, and Carnac set off at a canter for higher ground to our right. I followed him, scrambling up onto the harder footing of a little plateau dotted with mounds which looked for all the world like big tents – burial places, not unlike Russian koorgans. We pushed forward to the farther edge of the plateau, and there we were, in a ringside seat.

  Running across our front, about a mile ahead, was the causeway, a high banked road, and along it, advancing steadily to the wail of pipes and rattle of drums, were columns of red-coated infantry, our 1st Division; behind them came the khaki coats of native infantry, and then the blue overcoats and kepis of the Frogs; there must have been two thousand men rolling down to the Manchoo entrenchments where the causeway ended on our left front, with the Armstrong guns crashing away behind them and “Blue Bonnets over the Border” keening in front. Behind the Manchoo entrenchment were masses of Chinese infantry, Bannermen and Tiger soldiers, and on their left a great horde of Tartar cavalry; through Carnac’s glass I could make out the red coats and fur hats of the riders, crouched like jockeys on their sheepskins.

  Even as we watched, the Tartar cavalry began to move, wheeling away from the causeway and charging en masse away from our advancing columns and out on to their far flank. Carnac stood in his stirrups, his voice cracking with excitement:

  “That’s the 2nd Division over yonder! Can’t see ’em for the haze! By Jove, the Chinks are charging ’em! Would you believe it?”

  It was too far to see clearly, but the Tartars were certainly vanishing into the haze, from which came barking salvo after salvo of field pieces, and while our columns on the causeway held back, there was evidently hell breaking loose to their right front. Sure enough, after a moment back came the Tartars, flying in disorder and scattering across the plain, and out of the haze behind them came a thundering line of grey tunics and red puggarees, lances lowered, and behind I saw the red coats of the heavies, the Dragoon Guards. Carnac went wild.

  “Look at ’em go! Those are my chaps! Tally-ho, Fane’s! Give ’em what for! By crumbs, there’s an omen – first action an’ we’re chasing ’em like hares!”

  He was right. The Chinks were all to pieces, with the Indian lancers and Dragoon sabres in among them, and now the columns on the causeway were deploying from the road, quickening their pace as they swept on to the Chink entrenchment. There was the plumed smoke of a volley as they charged, a ragged burst of firing from the Chinks, and then they were into the earthworks, and the Manchoo gunners and infantry were flying in rout, with the Armstrong shells bursting among them. Behind their lines the ground was black with fugitives, streaming back to a village which I supposed was Sinho. Carnac was hallooing like a madman, and even I found myself exclaiming: “Dam’ good, Grant! Dam’ fine!” for I never saw a smarter right and left in my life, and that was the Battle of Sinho receipted and filed, and the road to the Taku Forts open.

  Carnac was in a fever to reach his regiment, and made off for the causeway with his syces at the gallop, but I was in no hurry. Sinho was a good three miles away, with swamp and salt-pans and canals in between, and if I knew anything about battle-fields the ground would be littered with bad-tempered enemy wounded just ready to take out their spite on passers-by. I’d give ’em time to crawl away or die; meanwhile I watched the 2nd Division moving in from the plain, and the 1st cheering ’em into the Chinese positions, with great hurrahing and waving of hats. That was where Grant would be, and rather than trot the mile to the causeway which was crowded with our traffic, I presently rode down to the flat and made a bee-line for Sinho across country. I doubted if any sensible Manchoos would be disporting themselves in the vicinity by now; I forgot that every army has its share of idiots.

  Down on the salt-flats I no longer had much view; it was nothing but great crusted white beds and little canals, with occasional
brackish hollows; ugly country, and after a few minutes there wasn’t a soul to be seen anywhere, just the glittering lips of the salt-pans either side, cutting off sight and sound, and only the dry scuff of the Waler’s hooves to break the stillness. Suddenly I remembered the Jornada, the Dead Man’s Journey under the silent New Mexican moon, and shivered, and I was just about to wheel right and make for the direction of the causeway when I became aware of sounds of true British altercation ahead. I trotted round a salt-bank and beheld an interesting tableau.

  Well, there was a Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman, and they were shouting drunken abuse at each other over a grog-cart which was foundered with a broken wheel. The Paddy, a burly red-head with a sergeant’s chevrons, was trying to wrest a bottle from the Scot, a black-avised scoundrel in a red coat who was beating him off and singing an obscene song about a ball at Kirriemuir which was new to me; the Chink was egging ’em on and shrieking with laughter. Various other coolies stood passively in the background.

  “Ye nigger-faced Scotch sot!” roars the Murphy. “Will ye come to order, now? I’m warnin’ ye, Moyes – I’m warnin’ ye! It’ll be the triangle and a bloody back for ye if ye don’t surrinder that bottle, what’s left of it, ye guzzlin’ pig, ye! Give over!”

  The Scot left off singing long enough to knock him down, and lurched against the cart. “See you, Nolan,” cries he. “See your grandmither? She wiz a hoor! Nor she couldnae read nor write! So she had your mither, by a Jesuit! Aye, an’ your mither had you, by a b’ilerman! Christ, Nolan, Ah’m ashamed o’ ye! Ye want a drink?”

  The Irishman came up roaring, and flew at him, and since brawling rankers ain’t my touch I was about to ride on, when there was a pounding of hooves behind me, a chorus of yells, and over the lip came a section of Tartar cavalry, bent on villainy. After which much happened in a very short space.

  I was off the Waler and shooting under its neck with my Colt in quick time, and down goes the lead Tartar. His mates hauled up, unslinging their bows, and I barely had time to leap aside before my Waler was down and thrashing, feathered with shafts. I turned, ran, and fell, rolling over and blowing shots at the red coats which seemed to be swarming everywhere; out of the tail of my eye I saw the Irishman grabbing a Tartar’s leg and heaving him from the saddle; the Scotchman, whom I’d have thought too screwed for anything, was on top of the grog cart, crashing his bottle on the head of another Tartar and then diving on to him, stabbing with the shards. I took an almighty crack on the head, which didn’t stun me, but caused me to lose the use of my limbs entirely; then I was being hauled up between two red coats, with evil yellow faces yelling at me from under conical fur hats, and the stink was fit to knock you down – the fact is, they never wash; even the Chinese complain. The scene was swimming round me; I remember seeing the Irishman being frog-marched and bound, and the Scot lying on the ground, apparently dead, and that’s all.

  Now, I say I don’t believe I lost consciousness, but I must have done, for piecing events together later, there’s a day missing. So they tell me, anyway, but it don’t matter. I know what I remember – and can never forget.

  There was terrible pain in my wrists and ankles: when the Chinese tie a man up, they do it as tight as possible, so that his hands are quickly useless, and in time will mortify. There was darkness, too, and an agonising jolting: plainly I was carried on one of their ponies. But my first clear recollection is of a foul cell, a foot deep in mud, and no feeling in my hands or feet, which were still bound. I couldn’t speak for raging thirst that had dried my tongue and lips bone hard; all I could do was lie in pain, with my senses dulled almost to idiocy – I could hear, though, and I remember that coarse Scotch voice yelling obscenities, and the Irish voice hoarse and begging him to lay off, and the wailing of coolies somewhere near me in the dark.

  And then there was blinding light in the cell, and Tartar swine yelling and dragging us to a low doorway, kicking and beating us as we went. I remember recalling that the Manchoos treated all prisoners alike – as vermin – so being an officer meant nothing, not that I could have proclaimed myself, with my tongue like a board. I half-fell out into the light, and was hauled to my feet, and after a moment my vision cleared, and the first thing I saw was a face.

  No doubt I’m biased, but it was the most cruel, evil human visage I ever set eyes on, and I’ve seen some beauties. This one was as flat and yellow as a guinea, grinning in sheer pleasure at our pain, turning to laugh bestially to someone nearby; it had a drooping moustache and a little chin-beard, and was crowned with a polished steel helmet. The figure that went with the face was all in steel and leather armour, even to mailed gauntlets, with a splendid robe of red silk round the shoulders. He was seated on a gilded chair of state, with a great sword across his knees, and beside him stood a nondescript Chink official and a burly Tartar, bare to the waist, with an axe on his shoulder.

  We were in a courtyard with high walls, lined by fur-capped Tartars; to my right were half-a-dozen cringing coolies, and to my left, barely recognisable for the mud that plastered them, stood the Paddy and the Scot from the grog-cart; the Irishman had his eyes closed, muttering Hail-Mary; the Scot was staring ahead. His tunic was half-torn off, but I noted dully that it bore the ochre facing of the Buffs, and that he had old cat-scars on his shoulder. My eyes went back to the huge Tartar with the axe, and with a thrill of sheer horror I knew that we were going to die.

  Suddenly the brute in the chair spoke, or rather shrieked in Chinese, flinging out a pointing hand of which two fingers were sheathed in nail-cases.

  “Filth! Lice! White offal! You dare to show your dog-faces in the Celestial Kingdom, and defile the sacred soil! You dare to defy the Complete Abundance! But the day of your humiliation is coming! Like curs, you have fed your pride for twenty years! Now, like curs, you will hang your heads, lay back your ears, wag your tails, and beg for mercy!” There was foam at his thin lips, and he jerked and glared like a maniac. “Kneel! Kneel down, vermin! Kow-tow! Kow-tow!”

  There were squeals and whimpers on my right; the coolies were down and knocking head for dear life. The two Britons on my left, not understanding a word, didn’t move, and as the mailed tyrant screamed with rage the little official hurried forward, snarling in a fearful parody of English:

  “Down! Down to legs! Down to Prince Sang! Makes kill! See! Makes kill!”

  He was gesticulating at the big Tartar, who stumped forward grinning, flourishing that awful axe above his head with both hands. There was no doubt what was demanded – and the alternative. It was enough for me: I was down and butting my way to the Antipodes before the little bastard had done speaking. I still thought we were doomed, but if a timely grovel would help, he could have it from me and welcome; you don’t catch Flashy standing proud and unflinching at the gates of doom. There was one who did, though.

  “Down! Down to Prince Sang! Not – makes kill! Not kow-tow, makes kill! Kow-tow! Kow-tow!” The official was screaming again, and with my head on the earth I stole a sideways glance. This is what I saw.

  The Paddy was a brave man – he absolutely hesitated. His face was crimson, and he glared and gulped horribly, and then he fell to his knees and put his face in the dust like the rest of us. Beyond him the Sawney was standing, frowning at the Prince as though he couldn’t credit what he’d heard; his mouth was hanging slack, and I wondered was he still drunk. But he wasn’t.

  “Ye what?” says he, in that rasping gutter voice, and as the Prince glared and the little official jabbered, I heard the Irishman, hoarse and urgent:

  “Fer God’s sake, Moyes, get down! Ye bloody idiot, he’ll kill ye, else! Get down, man!”

  Moyes turned his head, and his eyes were wide in disbelief. By God, so were my ears. For clear as a bell, says he:

  “Tae a —in’ Chink? Away, you!”

  And he stood straight as he could, stared at Prince Sang, and stuck out his dirty, unshaven chin.

  For a full ten seconds there wasn’t a sound, and then Sang screa
med like an animal, and leaped from his chair. The Tartar, square in front of Moyes, brought the glittering axe-blade round slowly, within inches of the Scot’s face, and then whirled it up, poised to strike. The official repeated the order to kow-tow – and Moyes lifted his chin just a trifle, looked straight at Sang, and spat gently out of the corner of his mouth.

  Sang quivered as though he’d been struck, and for a moment I thought he’d spring at the bound man. But all he did was glare and hiss an order to the Tartar, who raised the axe still higher, his huge shoulders bunched to strike. The Irishman’s voice sounded in a pleading croak:

  “Jaysus, man – will ye do as he bids ye, for the love o’ Mary? Ye’ll be kilt, ye fool! He’ll murther ye!”