Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

  THE ANCIENT MARINER

  The next thing to be done was certainly to make the old Kingcomfortable, so Bill took him home, and the good Chloe dosed him wellwith hot gruel, and made him put his feet in hot water, and sent him tobed. After remaining snugly tucked up for a few days, the cheerful oldsoul was ready and eager to start with his new army for Troy.

  In the meantime Bill, with the assistance of Crispin, had constructed awonderful perambulator, in which the King could be conveyed with hisluggage and such comforts as would be necessary for the old man duringhis progress.

  Having secured the permission of Crispin and Chloe, and of the otherparents concerned (most of whom seemed only too glad to get rid of thelot), Bill, the King, and all the gallant young soldiers started ontheir adventurous journey. Loud were the shouts of admiration as thebrave creatures marched down the village street; and at last, when theyhad entirely disappeared, the place seemed suddenly so quiet and dullthat all retired to their bedrooms and gave way to tears.

  However, our duty is to follow the young braves. Having marched alongthe road across the Downs for some distance, they met the strangestcouple,--a kind-looking old gentleman who, to judge from his appearance,had spent the greater part of his life upon the ocean, carrying in hisarms, carefully and tenderly as though he were a frail young baby,another man, with the saddest and most thoughtful face that you everbeheld. Such touching kindness deeply affected all who witnessed it, andBill at once greeted the good gentleman, and begged of him to account tothem for his very strange appearance on the country road.

  'Sirs,' said the Ancient Mariner, as he placed his burden lovingly onthe ground, 'my name is Jack, Plain Jack, and I am the ninth mate of theSwedish ship _Turnip_, a brig-rigged barquentine, that sailed fromCherry Garden Pier for Margate with a cargo of camels, in the year 1840,and has never since been heard of.

  'Though a born sailor, I succeeded my father in what was one of the bestcorn-chandler's businesses in that part of Barking. By my industry andthrift I, in time, so bettered my position and improved my business thatI felt fully entitled to settle down and enter into the state ofmatrimony. For some years I had had my eye on the enchanting JaneOsbaldistone de Trevor, whose father kept a large brill farm by BarkingCreek,--in fact, the largest of the many brill farms that used, in thosedays, to line the river from Limehouse Reach to Cherry Garden Pier.

  'His wealth and importance did not deter me from aspiring to the hand ofhis fascinating daughter; and why should they have done so? Was not I inthe very promising position of owning the largest corn-chandler's store,from Wapping Old Stairs even as far down as Barking Creek? And then,again, was not I as well born as he, for did not my ancestors chandlecorn in Barking long before the De Trevors had crossed the Channel, whenthey may, indeed, have earned a precarious livelihood by lettingbathing-machines on the beach at Boulogne?

  'Nevertheless, on my broaching the subject to the old gentleman, hethrew every conceivable obstacle in my way, and made conditions thatwere wellnigh impossible of being carried out. "If," said he, "you canbring to me, within the next few years, some object more wonderful thananything in the Bethnal Green Museum,--some object beside which St.Paul's Cathedral, the Monument, the Tower of London, or the Tower Bridgewill be as uninteresting as an old one-bladed pocket-knife,--then youshall marry my daughter, but not otherwise"; and he chuckled to himself,knowing only too well that he had wellnigh dashed my hopes for ever.

  'But, after all, little did he know Plain Jack. Disappointed, but withsome hope yet of claiming the lovely Jane, I sold my business for aconsiderable sum of money, which I took with me in my sea-chest, andsigned on as Cabin Boy aboard the Swedish ship, _Turnip_, fullydetermined to travel all over the world, if necessary, in order tofulfil the conditions imposed upon me by the irritating old gentleman.

  'Foreseeing well how useful my superior officers might be to me in myquest, I resolved, as far as possible to deserve their good-will, and Ibehaved with such exemplary conduct that before we had passed GreenwichHospital I was promoted to the rank of twelfth mate.

  'Still persevering in my good intentions, I performed many little actsof kindness, such as brewing the captain a cup of tea when he leastexpected it, and handing round to the officers and crew bars of colt'sfoot rock, a supply of which I took good care to bring with me. Irepeat, so continually attentive was I, that, before we had passed theNore, I was promoted to the rank of eleventh mate.

  'Off Herne Bay, I was still further able to gratify the captain andofficers by pointing out to them the various public buildings and placesof interest, which I had visited only last year during a delightfulweek-end trip. So delighted were they all that, before sighting Margate,I was promoted to the rank of tenth mate.

  'On arriving at Margate, numerous merchants came along the jetty inbath-chairs to examine our cargo. None, however, wanted to buy camels;all wanted donkeys for the sands. In spite of the captain's argument,that camels were much more used to sand than donkeys, having spent thebest part of their lives on the sands of the desert, the merchants wereobdurate, and we had to sail away again with our camels. We also nowcarried with us a shipload of Carraway Comfits, which we had purchasedat Margate, hoping to be able to dispose of them at some port, and socompensate ourselves for the loss of business at Margate.

  I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY]

  'For many days we sailed on and on, out through the Yarmouth Roads intothe Persian Gulf, one incident alone standing out vividly in my memoryduring this part of the voyage. It was the dog watch, on a lovely summerevening; we were making little way, just sufficient to enliven thewhitebait that leapt and prattled round our prow, or disturb a lazybrill that dozed upon our course. Here and there the spotted tunnywould leap several yards from the sea, to descend again with a mightysmack upon the waters. From afar, borne upon the gentle breeze, came thelow grizzle of the sperm-whale as it herded its young, or the thud ofthe mighty sword-fish, as it drove home the deadly weapon with whichNature, knowing its own ends, has provided him; while, mellowed by evengreater distance, the high-pitched yell of the land-cod and the shriekof its maddened prey, could now and again be heard. I was lazilyreclining among the peak halyards, whittling out a mermaid's head froma piece of hard-boiled gannet's egg, which I intended to send to Jane,should a passing vessel give me such an opportunity. Full of peace, andimbued with the calm that pervaded the sea and the sky, I was hardlyprepared for the shock in store for me. Suddenly, without any warning, Iwas jerked from my position among the halyards, and flung head-firstinto the sea. Down, and down I went, until, nearly exhausted, I made onegreat effort to come to the surface. When at last I reached it, I foundthat from some unknown cause the ship had been tilted nearly on to itsside, and thus had sent me almost to the bottom of the sea.

  'To climb on deck and ascertain the cause of the disaster was the workof a moment. It transpired that the cargo of carraway comfits had gotshifted and was mixed up with the camels. The captain was asleep at thetime, and every one else seemed to lose his wits, so I at once took thematter into my own hands, and descended into the hold with twelve pickedmen.

  'The plight of the camels was sad indeed to see. Some were fearfullychafed with the comfits, thus proving with what force the latter musthave been showered upon them by the shifting of the cargo. Fortunately,however, although it was very black in the ship's hold, the camels wereeasily distinguished from the comfits, and it was only a work ofpatience and a little time to sift them and so right the ship again.

  'When the captain awakened and learnt how I had saved the ship, hisgratitude knew no bounds, and he still further promoted me by making mehis ninth mate.

  'For years we sailed from port to port, taking in one cargo here,another there, occasionally with some advantage to ourselves, but moreoften with none at all, and never with any good fortune attending me inmy quest. When we were about thirty days' sail out from Guatemala, and,as far as I could tell, in latitude 195 and longitude 350 (that is,about 60 degrees east of the Equator), we encountered a stor
m whichbrought me to the successful accomplishment of my quest. It was fourbells and my watch below, so I had gone aloft in the mizzen shrouds, andwith my feet resting idly on the top-gallant backstay, holding securelyto the weather topsail reeftackle, I munched a tunny sandwich, a few ofwhich I had prevailed upon the steward to cut for me. Under a clear sky,we were making roughly, I should say, about 335 knots, and it wasalready blowing half a gale; a choppy sea was running, yet, except forthe clots of spindrift, that now and again hurtled against the mast,there was no real promise of the storm to come; so I went on with mysandwiches.

  'We were now sailing close-hauled under double-reefed main stormtopsails and fore and aft main staysails, keeping a good course andshipping very little water, when, suddenly, I beheld on the horizon,well to windward, a little cloud no larger than a tomato,--the Englishtomato, I mean, not the foreign species, though it rapidly attained thatsize. It grew larger and larger until it was quite the size of afull-grown vegetable marrow; yet, little recking that it contained theseeds of the terrible tempest that was so soon to overwhelm us, I stillwent on with my sandwiches.

  I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES]

  'Presently the gale increased, and the seas swelled up to the size ofLudgate Hill. Whole shoals of the passive skate arose to the surface andflopped warningly about our vessel. To leeward could be seen flocks ofthe wild sea shrike, whose ominous bark could be distinctly heard abovethe snort of the coming tempest. By now the cloud had half filled theheavens; the seas rose higher and higher; the din was terrific, as thewind tore from the sea shoal upon shoal of the shy sardine and whirledthem through the air. Soon the ship was drenched in the high seas thatcontinually broke over her and the quarts and quarts of rain thatwolloped from the dense cloud now covering the whole sky and blottingout all light.

  'At last came the order from the captain, who now realised the dangerthat threatened his vessel. "Up helm," roared he, through hisspeaking-trumpet, "clew up the lee braces of the topsail halyards; haulout the reef tackle and brail up the spanker." But the command came toolate. The fore-topsail studding booms went by the board, carrying withthem the bowsprit, the main mast, the fo'c's'le, the top-gallantstudding-sail halyard, and the captain's tobacco-pouch, which had beenplaced upon the bowsprit earlier in the afternoon. Nothing could now beseen except, here and there, the gleam on some fish as it was whirled,with the masts, men, boots, screws, sharks, thimbles, sea anemones,watch-chains, ship's stores, planks, and other miscellaneous objects,through the sky. I had barely finished my last sandwich when, lo,everything became a blank to me and I lost all consciousness.

  'How long I remained thus I cannot say, but I awakened on the sandyshore of some island, upon which I had been thrown by the force of thewind. Nothing could I see of my companions: a few planks and spars andmy own wretched self were all that remained to tell the tale of the goodship _Turnip_.

  'The wind had dropped, and it was a beautiful morning, not a trace ofthe storm remaining, only here and there the panting of the crayfish, asthey nestled behind the rocks, or the gasping of the oysters telling ofthe strain they had undergone. I gazed along the shore in eachdirection, hoping to discover a bathing-machine, and so satisfy myselfthat the island was inhabited. Nothing was in sight, however, so I laydown again and dozed. When I awoke once more it was high noon, and thevertical rays of the sun warned me that it was time to take shelter. Iraised myself on one arm with this intention, when I became aware of astrange figure, dressed in a long robe and with a great turban, who wasseated on a rock near by, gazing out to sea.

  'I got to my feet with considerable difficulty as I was faint withhunger and stiff in the limbs, and was about to approach the object,when I discovered two more figures, who evidently had the sameintention. Seemingly they did not wish to be observed by the singularcreature I have already described, for they were stealthily approachinghim from behind, creeping from rock to rock. I at once stooped downbehind a great star-fish, determined to watch unobserved.

  'I now noticed that both were savages, and that one of them held closeto his body an old, rusty kitchen-range; while the other carried, in onehand, a basket of coals, and with the other supported a huge, ironsauce-pan across his shoulders. Nearer and nearer drew the cannibals (asI soon guessed them to be) to their intended victim, who, however,either because he did not hear them, or did not dread them, took nonotice at all. Presently they were crouching down behind him, and he wasstill apparently unconscious of their presence. Then, with a wild whoopthey leapt into the air, and dropped on the ground in front of him. Evennow the amazing creature took no notice of the cannibals or theirantics, as they danced and yelled around him. Soon realising that therewas something very unusual in his reception of them, they stared in aweand amazement at him for some time, and then fled in terror, leaving thesaucepan, the kitchen-range and the other cooking utensils behind them.

  'They ran along the sands, and dropped behind a rock at a great distanceaway, where they remained completely hidden for some long time.Presently, however, one black head appeared for an instant above therock, and gazed in the direction of the thoughtful creature by the sea.This head was very quickly withdrawn from view and another poppedup,--only to disappear as quickly. Then the first appeared again, and soon. This continued until they had regained a little of their nerve, whenI could see them once more crawling back to the abstracted figure on theshore. Again they drew very close to him, and now that they hadsufficiently mastered their fears, they approached and examined him veryclosely, and proceeded at once to prepare their evening meal. First ofall they lit the fire, then they carefully placed their unresistingvictim in the saucepan, after filling it with water from the sea, andwere just about to lift it on to the range when I lost all patience, andshouted from my hiding-place, "Hold!" so many times in quick succession,and each time in a different tone of voice, that the cannibals must havethought there were at least thirty men or more in hiding. At any rate,they fled in the most abject terror, never to return.

  'Giving them good time to disappear, I now emerged from my hiding-placeand approached the absent-minded creature, gently lifting him from thesaucepan, in which I found him still sitting and gazing out to sea.Gathering together many sea-urchins, rock-beetles, and branches of asucculent sea-weed, with which the beach had been strewn by the recentstorm, I prepared an exquisite stew, and made a very hearty meal. I wasalso able to induce my companion to take some, without, however,succeeding in breaking his train of thought.

  FOR YEARS WE SAILED]

  'For many months no other friend had I than this preoccupied curiosity,who seemed quite unable to give me any clue as to who he was or whencehe came. Perhaps he had been shipwrecked there in childhood--whoknows?--and wandered there ever since, the wonder of every limpet orlugworm that squirmed upon those shores, or the sport of every mer-kidthat flipped a fin in those unknown waters.

  'To cut a long story short, I soon realised that here was the object Iwas in search of, and that if this dreamy creature did not sufficientlyastonish old De Trevor, and compel him to consent to my marrying hisdaughter, nothing on this earth would do the deed, so I resolved toleave the island with my treasure as soon as I could make it possible todo so. I set about making a raft, which I quickly succeeded incompleting, having since my childhood had a great knack at the making ofrafts, and, without undue delay, I embarked with my prize, provisionedwith as many shell-fish and branches of the succulent sea-weed as theraft would carry.

  'After some few months, and just as we had finished our last limpet, wehad the good fortune to be picked up by a tramp-steamer, bound forSaskatchewan from Mombasa, with a cargo of periwinkles. The captain wassuch a kind-hearted man that, on hearing my story he decided to go outof his course, and land us at Cherry Garden Pier; and so, my goodfriends, after sixty years' sailing all over the globe, I arrived homeagain, a poorer but a kinder man.

  The sport of every mer-kid]

  'You may be sure that I lost no time in seeking out Jane herself, withevery hope of at last being
able to claim her hand, but alas!gentlemen,' said the Ancient Mariner, with a large, salt tear about tofall from each eye, and as he once more tenderly lifted his burden, 'Iwas to find that Jane had become a very, very old woman, with manylittle grandchildren of her own, and that she had entirelyforgotten my existence. She had me turned away from her doorstep as araving madman, even with my interesting, absent-minded, and inseparablecompanion.

  'Thus, Good Sirs, I have to start life anew, and if my great experienceshould be of any service to you, believe me, it is yours to command.'

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