Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

  THE WILD MAN

  One day the army were overtaken by a singularly wild-looking man whoproved, however, to be at the same time quite an amiable creature, andexpressed a great desire to seek some employment with the gallantfellows. The King was pleased to enlist the nice and sociable person,and was more than repaid for his confidence in him by his charming ways.On one occasion, when the King was rather tired and worried, the WildMan, in order to distract the dear old fellow, told the followingstory:--

  'Good Sirs, though wild enough indeed, yet may I claim to be an unspoiltchild of nature, whose finest instincts have, unchecked, found theirtrue development. Thus, communing with nature from my cradle and livingon terms of the closest intimacy with her wildest creatures, I canappreciate their humble wants, their hopes and fears, and have acquiredthe truly marvellous power of conversing with these simple-mindeddenizens of the wilderness.

  'My home was a rocky cave hard by the sea-shore, in which I lived insimple happiness with my good wife, now dead, alas! this many a longyear ago, and our five brown children, who long since have grown to menand gone out into the world to seek their fortunes. Harmless indeed wereour joys, and our trials we bore with that great fortitude which was notthe least of the blessings we derived from our simple mode of life.

  'To proceed with my tale, on one dismal evening late in autumn, I leftmy cave, with the hungry cries of my children still in my ears,--for,indeed, the poor things had had no sup or bite the whole day through.Wondering what I could do that they might not go supperless to bed, Istrolled along the sands by the sea in the hope of finding some oddlimpet or whelk which, together with a few dried dandelion leaves, mightmake a simple stew. Alas! no vestige of a single crustacean could Ifind, so I sat me down upon the sands, determined not to return untilthe children had fallen asleep on the dry ferns and grass heaped up forthem at the back of the cave, as their cries were more torment to methan my own emptiness.

  'The sun had long ago set, and the autumnal twilight, reflected in thepools of still water left by the far receded tide, was gradually fadingfrom the sky, when I fancied I could hear a low heart-rending moan fromoff the desolate waste of sand before me. Again and again it sounded,and at last realising that it might be uttered by some creature indistress, I stood up and, as far as the fading light would permit,scanned the sands in every direction.

  'Nothing, however, could I see, and as the moan still continued atintervals and became, in fact, more and more painful and beseeching, Iwandered about, a prey to the liveliest anxiety, endeavouring todiscover whence it proceeded.

  'At length I perceived on the sand, at a little distance before me, asmall dark motionless object, and at that instant a harrowing sound,arising therefrom on the evening air, left me in no doubt as to theorigin of the moans I had already heard. Creeping as quietly as possibleon my hands and knees quite close to it, I found it to be a lovely bluepoint oyster, and bringing my head to a level with the shell, I askedcoaxingly, and in as soft a voice as I could command, what ailed it.

  Harmless indeed were our joys]

  '"Alas!" said the oyster, "a little while ago I possessed a child assweet as ever chortled to its gasping mother, but snatched from meas it has been by the cruellest of whelks, it may even now lie helplessin the grasp of the ravenous brute, as it ruthlessly sups off itsdelicate limbs. No such grief have I had since that old native, myworthy husband, was slain, and was laid in state, his hoary headsupported by a slice of lemon, beside a piece of brown bread-and-butter."

  I PLEADED MY CASE]

  'Deeply affected by her grief, I begged her to reveal the name of thelittle one and to indicate the direction taken by the marauding whelk."Bertram is its name," said the widowed blue point, and I could hearthe tears falling within the shell as, with her beard, she pointed outthe path followed by the rogue.

  'I had not proceeded far in the direction indicated when I overtook awhelk, whose face was quite distorted by a savage look, and whose growlsdrowned the feeble cries of a tender blue pointlet whom he dragged alongby the beard.

  '"Now what is all this about?" said I to the sullen fellow. "Why shouldyou, who are maybe blessed with young of your own, rob a poor widowedoyster of her only consolation since the death of her husband? A heartof rock would have melted at the cries of your victim, but you,ungenerous, can have no heart at all, and entirely drag the name ofwhelk through the mud." I could distinctly hear the ruffian lashing histail within his shell as he replied: "It's all very well for you, oldboy, but all that kind of nonsense you're talking don't come in here. Ifit were a question of saving your own life I'll bet you wouldn't givemuch ear to the whimperings of a sentimental blue point. Know then, oldstick, that it isn't for the love of children that I am dragging thislittle brat along, but he's just going to be the supper of an old crab,who caught me this afternoon and only let me go on the condition that Ifound him something a little more toothsome and tender than I am."

  'The cries of the infant were cruel to hear when it learnt the fate instore for it, and filled my heart with pity for the frail youngster."Now come," said I to the whelk, "just wait a little while and consider,would it not always be a sad thing for you to reflect upon that you hadbeen the cause of this frail young thing's death?" "Gammon!" answeredthe leather-hearted whelk, and proceeded on its journey. "Stay yetawhile," cried I, "and I will run and talk it over with the crab and seeif his hard shell may hide a kinder heart than yours." "Well, lookalive, old sentiments," replied the whelk; "it's a bit chilly waitingabout out of the water when the tide's low. You'll see the old rascalover there by the sea."

  'I hastened with what speed I might in the direction pointed out by thewhelk, and presently came upon the old crab. Before I had time to greethim he accosted me with "Well, old kneebones, what's the trouble?" "Notrouble of mine I do assure you," I replied as I seated myself by hisside, taking care at the same time to keep well out of reach of his twopincer claws, that wobbled about wickedly in my direction; thus in sometrepidation I continued the conversation. "The trouble is that of aninnocent blue pointlet, now alas! in the toils of a perfect bully of awhelk, a worthless rough who is thus victimising the innocent to savehimself from ending his paltry existence in your inside. Now my goodfellow, I am perfectly certain that you are not going to allow this,indeed you are not the sort to sacrifice another's life to satisfy yourown greed. Let me press you, just for once, to go supperless to bed, andthus assuage the anguish of a most affectionate mother."

  'Much to my mortification and surprise, my conciliatory speech was metby roars of laughter from the flippant old crab. Peal upon pealdisturbed the still evening air, and when the last clash of the hideousuproar had died away among the distant hills, the unfeeling brute, nowin a state of collapse from loss of breath, gasped out:--"What, me giveup the only chance of saving myself from that scoundrel of a lobster whoonly let me go on my promising to secure him something for supper alittle less hard than myself! Well," continued the crab, "that's a good'un, that is. My good chap you must be quite out of your senses. Why,not only will I hand over the baby oyster to the lobster, but I intendalso to have my supper off that tough old idiot of a whelk, who reckonshe's going to get off scot-free, and old mother blue point, too, if Ican find her," and then, as an afterthought, "and you, old marrow-bones,wouldn't make half a bad tit-bit if I could get hold of you," and hemade a horrid dash at me as he spoke. However, I easily evaded him, andfrom a safer distance argued the matter out with him in the followingway:--

  '"Allow me, my dear crustacean, to put the matter to you in this light.Now, first of all, clear your mind of all unnecessary bias. Suppose,"said I, "that you were to change places with the young oyster, suppose,we'll say, that you had the near prospect of being devoured by thegreedy lobster. How would you feel, I say, if your neighbour not onlyrefused to exert himself in any way to extricate you from yourpredicament, but also gloried in being the main cause of the disasterthat threatened you?"

  AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT]

  'The wily scoundr
el merely replied, "Ask me another," and with his lefteye-stalk bent towards the ground, insolently winked at me with theother. Despairing of penetrating his tough shell with kindlysuggestions, I temporised with him, and succeeded in persuading him todesist from his evil intentions until I had talked it over with thelobster. Out of sheer perversity the crab directed me wrongly, but ingood time, after some wandering here and there, I discovered thelobster.

  'I pleaded my case to him as eloquently as I had already done to theothers,--nay, even more eloquently, being, no doubt, a little more usedto it by now, but yet with no apparent good result. The wary creaturepretended ignorance. "To which crab do you refer?" said he, in aquestioning tone; "I have so much business with crustaceans in one wayand another that you would be surprised to learn how confused I becomein my dealings with them." To the best of my ability I described theappearance of the old crab, and aided my description with a slightsketch on the sand made with the point of my umbrella. He gazed at thiswith much interest and murmured to himself "considerable artistictalent," and then aloud, "Oh yes, yes, I remember him quite well;indeed, he was here only recently about a little matter of supper. Well,well, I'm afraid I cannot be of any help to you here. You see, it's likethis. Earlier in the day, I came to a little arrangement (quite a littlebusiness affair, by the way) with an old lady conger eel I have knownfor many years, and it happened in this way. We were having a littledispute as to who should sup off the other, and without going intodetails, the upshot of it all was that the eel managed to tie herself ina knot round my throat, and so, you see, was mistress of the situation.I need not tell you that I did not lose my presence of mind--indeed, Inever do--and I politely asked her if she had ever tasted crab, andeffectually persuaded her that they were much better eating thanlobster, and undertook to procure her a beauty (thinking all the time,of course, of our mutual friend), on the understanding that I should goquite free. It's very sad and all that sort of thing, no doubt, aboutthe little oyster--sweet little chuck--indeed, I am more sorry than Iappear to be about it, but really what can one do?" And the lobstershrugged his bristling shoulders. "Speaking to you," he continued, "asone man of the world to another, business is business after all, youknow. And if we don't fulfil our obligations, where do we stand? Ofcourse, I don't say but what a little chat with the conger might make itall right, and there's no harm in trying--she's a nice eel. I feel sureyou would like her, at least I felt I should, when I invited her to bemy supper--and if nothing comes of the meeting, well, we shall none ofus be any worse off than we are at the present moment. If at any othertime I can be of use to you, I do hope that you will not hesitate tocome round and ask. Good day."

  'I now left him to search for the conger, whom I found dozing in a poolnear the sea. I took her out and placed her gently on the sand, and shegradually opened her eyes and fastened them on me. I once more expoundedthe reasons why, in my opinion, this cruel arrangement should not bepersisted in. I quite astonished myself by my own eloquence, which grewmore impassioned as I proceeded, and noticed that the old conger seemeddeeply impressed. As I came to the most affecting parts of my argumentthe expression in her eyes grew really tender, and at the mention ofthe little blue point a tear gathered in each eye and slowly courseddown her shiny form. At the conclusion of my appeal the conger drew in adeep breath and replied:--"Well, I never! Now that is what I really docall good and kind. Oh pray come and sit down beside me on the sand andtell me all about it--now do, and tell me what first put it into yourhead--it is so very nice to come across a little real sentiment in thesematter-of-fact times." Without waiting for me to proceed she rattledon:--"Upon my word, you really must have the kindest heart in theworld--but are you quite sure you are comfy? Why not come round theother side; you'll be out of the wind there, and we can talk it overwithout anything to interfere with us. I quite agree with you ineverything you have said, and I must say that I know of nothing moredelightful than to find one's own thoughts expressed so much moreclearly than one could do it oneself. Do you know, I am quite delightedto have met you, and hope that this is the commencement of one of thoselasting friendships...."

  WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK]

  'Thus she gabbled on, and thinking to myself, here, at last, is akind-hearted soul, I asked her to promise to take the baby oyster backto its sorrowing mother, when she received it from the lobster. "What anextremely kind thought," she replied; "I assure you there is nothing inthe whole world I would love to do so much as to take the little thingback to its Ma." Glancing dreamily at the sky the old eelcontinued:--"Dear little mite! I can see it even now, in my mind's eye,as it skips to its mother; she, dear soul, the while shedding pearls ofdelight,--a memory to carry to your grave. But I expect you must begoing now--no doubt you are as busy as the rest of us--are they all wellat home?--good-bye," and she prepared to return to the sea. "But, mydear woman," I protested, "I have not yet received your promise to seethe little oyster home." "Now," said the eel, "pray don't spoil thepleasant evening we have had--but never mind--don't look soserious--come round some evening with the wife and children--don't sayyou won't." "But, Madam," I answered, "I am waiting for your promise tosee the little one home." "My dear Sir," she replied at last, growingrather red in the face, "I can give you nothing of the kind, and mustreally refer you to the whale who captured me a little while ago, andonly released me because I promised to procure him a lobster, which Ipersuaded him would be much more digestible and less bilious than Ishould prove to be as a meal."

  'I now went in search of the whale, whom I discovered disporting himselfin the sea a very little way from the shore. Taking my shoes andstockings off, I waded as near to him as I dared, and to conciliate himright off I wore as benignant an expression as I could assume and thusaddressed him: "Of one thing I am convinced," said I, "and it is thatyou are the last person in all the world who would willingly give painto anything,--least of all to a baby oyster." "Quite so, quite so,"snorted the whale, "and what is more I never have and, upon my soul, Inever _will_." "Bravo, good resolution," cried I, and then in movingterms I explained the situation and urged him to take the blue pointletback to its mother on receiving it from the conger eel. "What is thisyou say," roared the whale; "do you mean to tell me that in exchange forher own fat self that villainous conger-eel now offers me a baby oysterinstead of the promised lobster? Is it for this gross insult that Iallowed her to resume her wretched existence? Well, I'm thundered!" andthe enraged monster leapt seventy feet into the air. "Where is she?"roared he, and made off in the direction of the conger.

  'But the old girl was one too many for the whale this time, and havingheard his remarks on her conduct, off she darted after the lobster,saying to herself that as the whole arrangement had fallen through, shemight just as well sup off the lobster,--besides, the claws would stewup quite well for the children's dinner to-morrow. The lobster in histurn, seeing the conger approach, at once understood that the affair wasall off and left his little cave by the back door as conger entered bythe front, and made for the place where he knew he would find the crab,arguing to himself thus:--"At any rate, the crab will make an excellentsupper to which I have every right; for after all, as I have beforeremarked, business is business, and he will certainly be unable tofulfil his obligations." The saucy crab, however, saw him coming alongwith his mouth wide open ready to gobble him up, and shouted tauntinglyto him:--"Keep your bristles on, old prawn" and ran off after the whelk."Nothing really matters," thought he, "and as I feel a bit peckish I mayas well eat up friend whelk and the blue pointlet 'll come in for alight breakfast in the morning." The cowardly whelk, reading the crab'sevil intention in his eyes offered him the baby oyster. "Thanks, oldflint," said the crab, "I'll have you first and the youngster anothertime," and he pounced on the whelk and ate him right up. But as he wascrawling off in great comfort the old lobster overtook him and in notime polished him off. The lobster, now too contented to move quickly,was slowly returning to the water when up came the conger-eel who,without any delay, proceeded to strangle
him and then to gobble him up.After her feast, the old girl, in her turn, felt drowsy. "I think," saidshe, "I now deserve a nap," and she lay down in a pool and went fastasleep. Presently the whale came along, having been hunting for theconger all over the place. As soon as he caught sight of her he roaredin his wrath, "Is this what you call keeping your bargain?" and with onegulp he bolted her,--head, fins, tail and all.

  'Then, having accomplished his revenge, and at the same time satisfiedhis appetite, his contentment was complete and he rolled over on hisside in the shallow water, and fell into a deep sleep.

  'Now, thought I, is this not providential? Is there not here not merelythe evening meal I left my cave to seek, but many meals for my good wifeand children,--enough in fact to ward off hunger throughout the winterthat is now fast approaching. Taking up a great rock I hurled it withall my force at the head of the whale and killed it on the spot. I nowproceeded to cut up the great creature and carry it, piece by piece, tomy cave, and that very night, when it was all safely stowed, we cookedone great steak for supper, waking the children in order that they mightshare the meal, and the remainder my good wife preserved in brine. Thusin comfort we lived the winter through.

  'The little oyster found its way back to its mother, and so gratefulwere they both for my endeavours to help them, that they took up theirabode with us. Bertram grew to a fine chubby blue point. "Just like hisfather," said the proud mother, and nothing reached our hearts so nearlyas his playful, charming ways.'

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  THE MUSICIAN]

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