Shortly after that a couple of women arrived – one quite masculine looking, with blonde hair cut above her ears and appearing to spend a lot of time working out since she didn’t seem to have an ounce of fat anywhere on her body. However I would have to admit she was rather attractive – even the tattoos on her muscular arms looked good on her. Her friend was petite, not really beautiful in the least but perhaps sort of cute, and definitely more feminine, one of those type of women who you might picture as a teacher in a pre-school. They put their stuff next to us and said hi just before they both undressed and lay down to read.
I noticed that the blonde woman glanced over at us several times. Her facial expressions seemed sort of condescending, as if she thought we were in some way abnormal, out-of-place among her people. I didn’t like being judged or analyzed, that was my privilege to do to others. I tried to think of ways to provoke her, but aside from making out with Nicole at that very moment I could not think of anything, and there was no way I was going to do that; even if I knew the men around us were more interested in each other than in us. I could at least take pride in the fact that my companion was far more beautiful than hers.
This couple never made any attempt to talk to us after the initial greeting. About an hour later we decided we had maxed the time we should be in the sun so we started gathering our stuff. Later, as we were leaving, Nicole made a comment about the couple on the beach. She asked if I liked the hair style the woman had. I joked, “You mean the skinny, dark-haired girl?” She rolled her eyes, “No, her friend with the blond hair, did you like it?” I said it was okay, her hair being practically non-existent on the sides and cropped on top. Nicole asked, “Come on, let me do your hair when we get home.” I sighed, “Can I wait until I get back from my seminar? After that maybe I can take up weight lifting and we can look the part of the perfect lesbian couple.” After saying that Nicole smiled in that satisfied “I won!” sort of way. It was okay though. I had had such a wonderful day with her that I was fairly certain we would never be apart. Yet I could not forget the conflicting feelings at the beach. I wondered what I really was…I mean, was I gay, heterosexual or bi? Then again, as I did not like the idea of defined parameters for myself maybe I fit no label at all. I liked a more ambiguous term…maybe that of ambisexuality which meant I had absolutely no orientation other than what attracted me at for the moment. For some reason, that left me more liberated, more confident and more the independent spirit I cherished.
I was really curious as to what the next few days would be like. What events had I set in motion and what was my future going to look like? My mind was still in a state of deep contemplation as we finally pulled into the driveway. Once we entered the house we both became painfully aware our skin had received way too much sun. Oh well, I had lots of aloe vera we could apply before relaxing in front of the TV to watch some old classic western and eat chips. It had been such a wonderful day that I wanted this summer to never end.
The next morning I woke up before Nicole and checked my e-mail – I had not bothered the night before although I had been curious, but I had to be careful with Nicole. Sure enough, I had received a new letter from Matthew. He didn’t say a word about our meeting but said if I ever needed to ask him something that I should have his phone number. For some reason I mailed him and asked how he felt about families. I was not interested, at least I thought I wasn’t, in a relationship with him, but I was curious. I sent it off and surfed some news sites.
A few minutes later I looked at my e-mail and there was a reply – I wondered to myself if this guy lived for his computer. I envisioned a fat, slightly balding and intensely boring geek – nothing like Mark had been; and any thoughts of making him my first, and maybe last and only, male conquest quickly disappeared. However, his short letter said he really wished he had children and feared that it might never happen. In fact he said if he had his way he’d have a house full, and asked if that made him sound old-fashioned and strange. I didn’t reply, I heard Nicole going into the bathroom, but I thought perhaps I would call later to make sure he was going to be there.
Nicole greeted me as I shut down the computer. She said she was still tired and joked I was lucky in that I would avoid her whole PMS ritual since I would be out of town. I let her know I would miss her though, and said we could do anything she wanted until I had to leave in the afternoon. She suggested buying some chocolates and just lounging around the house the rest of the day. I was okay with her suggestion as the over-exposure to the sun had drained me of energy. A few hours of cuddling would be the perfect way to get my energy back and help prepare me for the adventures that awaited me.
Chapter 13
That afternoon I knew I would be contemplating all the intricacies of my little trip as I drove the four hours to Seattle. For starters, I needed to plan out what I wanted to take with me.
I went into the bedroom and tried to decide on what outfit to wear – should it be something provocative just to freak out my mystery man? I shook my head when I realized that for one thing he seemed to be religious so something too sexy might scare him off. In addition, I remembered I had skipped shaving for almost a month and so anything too revealing might not look all that elegant. I thought about shaving, but then that might cause Nicole to become suspicious. I decided on packing some fairly modest jeans and non-revealing blouses. As for Sara, she would not mind how I looked or what I wore, or so I thought.
This whole scheme was such an adrenaline rush. However, I had to make sure Nicole never found out. I looked over at my camera case and, while some pictures of Puget Sound in the summer might be beautiful, I couldn’t risk taking it with me.
When I had everything completed Nicole came out to the car and said she would miss me. I took her hand and said it was only for a few days and I would be back by late Wednesday night. She pouted and said, “Okay, I guess I can survive” and she gave me a hug – we still didn’t want our neighbors to get in the habit of focusing too much attention on us, so no kiss goodbye.
Once I had reached the I-5 freeway I put on some dark symphonic music. As I drove I asked myself why I was heading to Seattle. I came up with a relatively interesting hypothesis to explain my decision. Of course there was a lot of curiosity about meeting Mark’s brother – that was just too obvious. However, the part of me that toyed with seducing him was far more complex. It wasn’t sex – that was something I had avoided with the two guys I had sort of dated in college and, at that moment, it did not bother me if I never wound up intimate with a man. Maybe it was the frustration with Mark never opening up, never revealing his true feelings until the night he abandoned life…abandoned me. If this was a form of projection from Mark to his brother then it would be a vicarious punishment of him – at least as close as I could get to it. The thought was intriguing to me, even if by going through with my plan I would technically sacrifice my virginity.
As for Sara, I thought the ultimate punishment of her ignoring me in my time of need would be to give her the false hope that we had a future together. Yeah, spend a wonderful couple of days with her and continue to string her along. This actually served a duel purpose as well, as I rationalized further. I felt Nicole had been quite domineering, in a passive-aggressive manner, as well as being not completely trustworthy – the incident in the mountains with the hippie couple came to mind. The ultimate revenge would be to be intimate with two different people without her discovering my treachery.
I knew Nicole loved me and yes, I must have loved her. I guess at that time I had decided that I should just come to grips with destiny and accept that we would be together permanently. As weird as it even sounded to me, I was actually starting to consider that perhaps relationships require sacrifice, and maybe my sacrifice would have to be to give up the idea of having kids. If that was to be the case, I reasoned, then that made it more my right to exact some revenge. It never really occurred to me, or caused me enough concern to pause, that I could cause three individuals to be hurt in the proc
ess.
When I crossed into Washington I decided to check to see if this Matthew guy was really going to show up – I mean was he serious that he was going to drive up from Salt Lake? If he cancelled I would just have to surprise Sara early. I called the number he gave me and I heard a “Hello?” I hesitated to answer for a second and he repeated, “Hello? Anyone there?” and I answered, “Hey there, this is Melanie, is this Matthew?” He affirmed it was and asked how I was doing. I said fine and asked, “So, are you in Washington right now?” He said he was in Olympia at his sister’s and asked if I was still on for Monday. Of course I was. Then he asked, “So, Melanie, how will I know who you are?” I said I would be wearing jeans and a light blue blouse and he said he would have jeans and a yellow t-shirt. I said great, and repeated the hotel that the bus tours start from; and he said he would have no problem finding the place on time and that he would talk with me in the morning. He seemed cheerful as we said good bye to each other.
I was trying to compare his voice patterns to Mark’s. They didn’t really sound that much alike on the phone, or maybe I had forgotten what Mark sounded like. I looked forward to our meeting but spent much of the rest of the drive contemplating different scenarios for what I had in mind. I still wasn’t totally sure why I was doing this but it was going to be an interesting exercise in human interactions – and I figured that whatever I decided to do, he would comply. That was just a given.
When I entered the Seattle area I found an economy hotel for the evening. I called Sara and asked how she had been doing. She mostly focused on her studies, she had signed up for two summer courses, but was saying she was bored and wanted to find something fun to do. Suddenly she suggested I consider going to Sweden with her, meeting her family and checking out the beautiful scenery. I had to admit the idea was enticing, especially when she offered to pay for my plane ticket, but I did not think Nicole would believe any story I could come up with to hide that I was doing this with another woman. Besides, she would insist that she see me off and that could turn awkward – unless I departed on a later flight. I told Sara we could discuss that possibility on Tuesday.
I laid on the cheap bed wondering what I would be doing twenty four hours from that moment. It took a while but I finally fell asleep.
The alarm went off way earlier than I would have liked, but I knew I had to get ready. I showered and prepared a bag of noodles I had brought before loading my stuff in the car. When I passed the soda machine I noticed a dispenser for birth control and I stood there wondering what I should do. I had never used the products except for at least having some available when I was dating my professors in college. I decided maybe it might be a good idea to buy some rather than explain to Nicole how in the world I wound up pregnant. The days of immaculate conceptions were over after all.
So off I went, to spend a day with some guy I had never met. This was weird. I pulled into the parking lot that the web site had listed and noticed some people waiting at the other end – so I assumed those were fellow travellers. I parked and looked around, but saw nobody in a yellow shirt. I asked someone amongst the middle-aged and elderly tourists if this was the place for the trip. They confirmed it was, so I went to my car and sat on the hood to wait. If he didn’t show up I was going to be quite angry since I was having some trouble waking up.
Soon, a group of cars arrived and parked on the other end of the area I was waiting. As people were getting out I noticed an older guy in a yellow shirt getting out of a van. He was indeed bald and fat – and looked in his forties. Maybe I could just get into my car and make an escape. Then I noticed he went to a group of people and started talking as if he knew them. Maybe this was not Matthew after all. A few minutes later a black Mercedes drove up and a guy got out wearing a yellow t-shirt. I strained my eyes and it appeared the license plate was not from Oregon or Washington. From the distance he looked a lot like Mark – the same height it appeared, the same build – the only difference is that he appeared to have blonder hair, neither short or long but kind of that 1980s style, the same as Mark’s had been.
I waited for him to find me. He looked in my direction then looked away – he instead noticed a slightly overweight lady who looked in her thirties with a blue blouse and jeans and went over to her. I laughed at the fact that he had made a mistake, probably expecting his brother to be more likely to have such a friend – she sort of looked like a teacher after all. I laughed that he had made the same mistake I had made. Then he checked in my direction and approached slowly. When he arrived he asked, “Melanie Johnson?” and I said, “Of course, who else would I be?”
He laughed and introduced himself. I could tell he was surprised by how young I was, but it didn’t seem to phase him that much. As for my impressions, I knew he was older than Mark but he actually looked younger. He seemed to be in good physical condition and really nice – at least that was the impression I had as we began talking. I was thinking that maybe the items I had bought earlier that morning might come in handy after all…or maybe…well, that idea came to mind too, the idea of the ultimate trophy to present to Nicole.
At first we asked each other about our journeys. He had been at his sister’s since Sunday morning. I asked how he could have…then I realized he must have sent me the letter I had read through his cell phone. Mark’s name never came up until much later – while on the bus when I brought him up. We sat together in the front seat. I stated, “This reminds me of trips to debate tournaments I took with Mark.” Matthew asked, “So that’s what you meant when you said you and Mark had travelled – it was on field trips?” I shook my head and explained, “No, not all the time. Sometimes we went places on weekends.” Matthew seemed like he didn’t know what to say at that moment as he stared at me in silence. I helped ease his mind when I said, “Mark would often take groups of students out into nature for projects. Some were related to maybe an art theme... others to biology…you know, to assist them in their regular studies.”
That seemed to dispel what I figured were thoughts of his brother doing things less academic in nature with a student. Of course I it would not be a good idea to discuss what the actual activities entailed.
I talked about Mark as a teacher. Matthew then said how Mark might have been inspired to look into psychology because of Matthew’s interest as a teenager. I was surprised to find out Mark had been active in religion and had actually been a missionary in Ireland – he had never even mentioned visiting any foreign country to me. We discussed details of their college years and even Mark’s marriage. I then asked Matthew if he planned on ever getting married, a rather personal question early on I suppose. He responded he would like to be married but in his church people married younger than average, so women in their early thirties were already married, if they weren’t they were divorced with kids and not always keen on having any more. So he said that created a strange dilemma for single men in their early forties.
I brushed that off and said, “Then find someone in their twenties!” to which he sheepishly responded, “Well, I am sure people in my family would find that interesting – in a negative way.” I countered, “Who cares what anyone else says? Why shouldn’t a person seek their goals in life and just ignore what society, family or friends might say?” He nodded his head and looked away, out through the bus window. I tried to analyze what we had shared in our conversation. For the few moments we sat there without saying anything. It was really odd that this moment reminded me of being with Mark in so many ways – in looks but also his apparent shyness.
We continued our conversations both on the bus and when we made stops to enjoy the scenery. I certainly felt out of place in this group of tourists, and I sensed Matthew did as well. When we could see Mt. Rainier in the distance I asked, “Don’t you get the urge to leave this group of losers behind and just run out into the forest and explore?” He then turned to me, and I could swear he was about to hug me, but he pulled back a bit and said, “You are so speaking my language! I would love to lose my
self out there!”
He then said he had climbed Mt. Fuji on several occasions. He really wanted to go up in these mountains though because, while they looked like Fuji from a distance, they seemed to have far more lush vegetation than their Japanese counterpart, as well as not being developed in any sort of way. Then he asked, “How are you at biking?” I of course told him I loved it, and then he turned to look at me enthusiastically and said, “One of the times I was driving from my sister’s house back to Salt Lake I thought it would be fun to bike that distance.” This was interesting, I had envisioned seducing this guy but he was seducing my mind with images of adventures even Nicole would probably say no to. We started playing with the idea of what one would have to do in order to plan for a dream trip like this.
The next several hours were like some dumb romantic comedy on TV. Several times we got away from the group of sightseers we had been shackled to and tried to explore the rougher parts of the immediate area we were visiting. How odd I felt in the company of the brother of a man I dreamed of sharing life with. I had thought that maybe the years between high school and graduate school might have given me a different discernment. Maybe I would face this guy with the eyes and heart of a more mature woman and would not find this relative of an old flame any more appealing than anyone else. Yet that was not the case, in fact I felt like we bonded at a deeper level!
Melanie's Awakening Page 18
