As we were heading back to Seattle I tried to develop a game strategy for the remainder of the evening. Should I be direct or coy? Which strategy would allow me the final experiment to perhaps experience the intimacy that I dreamed of in my senior year with his brother? I realized this was a weird, even psychotic, form of projection but I could not have cared less. I wanted to satisfy my intellectual questions as well as have some fun. If we wound up in some sort of relationship then that would just be a bonus. I found these thoughts amusing as I had sort of rejected the idea of a man in my life plan, yet I had to remind myself that I did not like labels after all.
When we entered Seattle Matthew asked if I might like to grab something to eat. Things were proceeding well I thought. Then he asked where I was staying, to which I said I had checked out of my hotel room and so I had to find a place for the evening. He said he had to head back to Olympia, but that maybe we should find a place to check in first and then get something to eat nearby. I liked that idea a lot. Even though I barely knew this guy, I liked him, and yes I was attracted to him as well. I felt it strange I was so anxious and willing to give up my heterosexual virginity at that moment, but maybe I wanted to rush into this so I didn’t back out later – and who could tell if he would want to see me again? This might be my only chance.
We found a nice hotel and while I was checking in he said he was paying. Again, a positive sign I thought as I thanked him. Then he offered to help me carry my small amount of luggage to my room. When we were in “our” room I looked out the window and asked, “Do you think this is a safe place to stay?” acting like the nervous maiden wanting protection from her prince. He looked out and said it looked okay. Then I sat on the bed and asked, “Are you tired?” He nodded and replied, “I am, but once we get something to eat I will be fine.” I then decided it was time to stop hinting, as it had been ineffective on his brother. I took on a shy, sensuous tone to my voice and said, “Matt, I really wouldn’t mind if we shared a room this evening. I would never forgive myself if you got into an accident on the way to Olympia. We could even upgrade to something with double beds if you’d like.”
Matt did not correct me as I referred to his name in a more personal manner. Yet he took a really deep breath and started to talk, “I, well, I appreciate the thought but perhaps before we do something that might cause us to feel guilty about in the morning we should get to know each other better. We should make sure of things first, okay?” I felt like the actress who is so confident of getting the Oscar, that she stands up before the winner is called and then someone else gets announced. My hints were interpreted quite clearly by Matt and he turned me down with a sexual “rain check!” I was unsure whether I should be angry or honored that he cared about some sort of concept of my virtue. I decided to win the war, and concede the battle – I would figure out a strategy to get this guy where I wanted him even if I might have to wait.
That meant I would have to see him again. I thought fast and turned my head down, shaded my face with my hand and pretended to cry. He asked what was wrong and I claimed that, “Lots of guys have tried to use me…and it’s caused a great deal of pain in my life. And now, here is a man who appears to like and respect me for who I am, and take into account my soul. I’m sorry if I offended you.” I perceived this man as someone who might be quite sensitive to other people’s feelings. So as I quickly reviewed what I had said I figured I had applied psychology quite well. And by the reaction I received I had! He put his arm around me and said he’d like to see me in the near future and do some exploring in the mountains. I replied, “Thank you so much, I would like that. I asked, “Are we still on for dinner?” and he said we were.
He drove me to a nice Italian place and we spent a relaxing couple of hours talking about our life visions and goals. We also shared dreams of places we would like to go – and what surprised me was he not only wanted to visit the same places, but he wanted to visit those places for the same reasons. I was really impressed with his curiosity and sense of adventure.
He took me back to my room but I dared not make any plays at that moment. My game would be to get another try in the near future. At the door he said he had experienced a wonderful day and would entertain any time in the future for an excursion. I said I would check my schedule and definitely get in touch soon. He took me by the hips and said “goodnight then.” I pulled him gently towards me and we wound up in a tender kiss. Not the wild, passionate kind I had become accustomed to in recent months, but still quite meaningful actually. I told him, “You make sure you drive carefully or you’ll have to answer to me.” He turned to look at me and said, “You are really interesting…I can’t wait to see you again.”
I went into my room a little disappointed but for some reason I felt I would have more opportunities with this Matt Lindberg. I looked upon him in the way a hunter would see her prey. Yet at the same time I wondered if I was actually the prey…an interesting thought I turned over in my head before finally falling asleep.
Chapter 14
I awoke the next day to the sounds of people loudly opening and closing doors as well as to noisy children running down the halls. I lay there in my bed wondering about the previous day’s events, and perhaps the new actor in the crazy play that was my life. Would he be a regular feature or just a guest appearance? I finally got the energy to sit up, and I picked up my bag to see if there were any messages on my cell phone. I noticed the unopened condoms I had purchased and tossed them across the room, frustrated at not being the one calling the shots. And then it hit me, was this going to end just like it did almost four years earlier? We would see, no wait, I would assume control this time.
I was a bit anxious to see Sara. We had not been together for almost three months so I was curious as to how the day would turn out. I ate some disgusting burger at the gas station and headed over to her apartment, looking forward to the boat trip she had suggested.
I thought about the consequences of what I was doing. What if Nicole found out? Well, what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her and I was a master at concealment I thought. As I approached the stairs where Sara lived I speculated that most people in my position would hesitate before ascending, yet I practically ran.
I rang the doorbell and waited, bobbing my head and staring at the door, straining to hear any sounds. Suddenly I heard Sara’s voice – she said something, but I couldn’t make out what it was, maybe she was speaking in Swedish. I was over an hour early from when I said I would be there. Then the door swung open, Sara was standing there in her nightgown and then said “Hello Melanie…it is really great to see you!” She looked at me sheepishly, waiting for me to respond. I didn’t say a word, I just grabbed her in an embrace and held her tight – within minutes we were making up for lost time, or I should say making out.
My thwarted expectations from the night before might have contributed to my boldness, and Sara was anything but shy. While I had expected spending the morning talking things over, and then going on the boat trip, it instead turned into putting my clothes back on around lunchtime, forgoing the trip, and discussing where we should go out to eat. Sara asked me to think about our food choices while she showered – of course I thought about how complicated my choices had become.
Sara soon came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and made it a point to comment, “The shower is yours now. Oh, I left my razor next to the sink.” I figured she was just being polite but when I was finished rinsing off and came back into the bedroom she looked at me funny and said, “Melanie, didn’t you see the razor?” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Yeah, I saw it.” She replied in a manner that I interpreted as a form of criticism, “Oh, okay. I just noticed you seem to have neglected yourself lately.” I ignored the negative tone of her voice and joked, “Maybe I am trying out a European look.” She rolled her eyes and commented, “That is an outdated American stereotype. Almost all women in the Nordic countries take good care of their appearances. If I wanted to snuggle up with a man I wo
uld find one.” I hesitated a moment and replied, “Sorry, I have been really busy this summer. It’s not permanent, don’t worry.” She smiled and continued getting ready. I felt a bit resentful being questioned, although I sort of agreed with her sentiments. Just to assert my independence I was half temped to go to a salon and come back with a style like Nicole wanted. I was getting more and more frustrated with people trying to change me, but for the moment I chose to just ignore Sara’s criticisms and try to enjoy the moment.
As I was contemplating “things” I was bothered by the fact that I realized I was wondering what Matt would think of any choices I might make for my appearances. Of course then I wondered what he would think about what I had been doing all morning with Sara. It seemed odd that I was contemplating his opinions before considering Nicole and what she might say. Why was I thinking this way? I had known Nicole for four years and we had an established relationship – and had shared in the darkest of activities, involving life and death. What did I have in common with this guy except a connection to someone dead and decomposing? Well, there were the shared interests, desire for family and, yeah, chemistry I had detected the day before.
During lunch Sara and I talked about what had been going on in the summer. I was sort of vague and made it appear as if I had been solo for the past several months. When she asked if I was still angry I told her I had put that behind me – she smiled and asked, “Does this mean everything is okay with us?” I smiled back and said it was. I was unsure of what kind of person I was evolving into. For some, unexplainable reason, I looked at her and said, “Sara, I love you, and want to have everything work out between us, but that might mean a distance relationship for a while.” Sara reached over the table and took my hand and asked, “Have you considered my offer to have you come to Sweden and meet my family? I told them about you and they would love to meet you.” I wondered what she had told them. I felt really uncomfortable that someone I had never met might have expectations of me, and on the other side of the world at that. However, I did imply a lot when I said, “Well, I have permission from my masters program to be off as long as I want, but I know you have to resume full-time classes in a couple of months – maybe just before school starts could work?” Sara squeezed my hand and looked at me with a most delighted expression on her face. She then released my hand, reached into her bag and pulled out a beautiful gold bracelet and asked me to hold out my arm. As she placed it on me she said in a soft whisper, “I have been really confused lately, and stressed, but knowing you are still in my life makes things better.” Then we just started talking about life, more specifically, Sara’s life.
Sara started talking about her program in school, and then switched back to visiting Sweden. She asked if maybe I might like to visit around Christmas rather than at the end of summer. Then she apologized and suggested, “Maybe we should still go at summer’s end, but also plan on Christmas as well! She said I would love the way Swedes celebrated unique traditions. For a moment I was excited about travelling there, but then it hit me how complicated things were becoming. I was left wondering if the reason I was trying to juggle all these people in my life was because I had been so lonely until recently. That made sense. I deserved to make up for my deprivations and this seemed to justify any excesses at this point. Why not take her up on her offer?
Nothing really extraordinary, or should I say unexpected, happened for the rest of the day. We went shopping together at a couple of malls and took a walk on the waterfront. It was a pleasant way to spend the day before going back to her place. I kind of surprised her though. She went to the kitchen to get some drinks and she asked what I wanted – this as she took out a bottle of wine. I said she could pour me a glass of wine to which she responded, “What? I thought you never drank!” I said, “I gave it a try, but the experience was quite unpleasant. Maybe if I share a glass or two with you I might enjoy it and establish a new tradition.” I did not tell her I wanted to associate alcohol with something more pleasant than the evening of killing Daniel. I figured I had broken my life-long abstinence anyway and as they say, what happens in Seattle stays in Seattle. Of course I learned quite quickly that I had a hard time stopping. When we finished the first bottle I was the one who asked for her to open a second. By the time we both went to bed together I was so drunk I passed out before we could enjoy any romance.
When I woke up the next morning my head was really hurting and I could smell the odor of alcohol around me. In a way I was disgusted with myself for eroding yet another portion of my mental construct – I wondered if I was evolving into a complete hedonist, and if I was, just how far was I willing to take it? I took some relief in vowing never to touch alcohol again. It was not just the sick feeling that prompted me to make this promise to myself. I did not like the idea of losing control.
Sara came in just as I had sat up in bed – she joined me, took my hand and leaned her head against my shoulder. In a playful voice she asked, “So how are you this morning? I was a bit worried, I mean, you not being used to drinking.” I put my arm around her and asked if she had some powerful pain relievers and she hopped up and returned quickly with some medicine. Sara asked if I had to go home so soon – I believed I should, or else Nicole might begin to wonder. I told Sara I had an appointment with a teacher in Portland the next day and I had to go home and prepare for it.
I left Sara’s just after lunch. She really wanted to set up a plan for our getting together more often and she suggested maybe one weekend she would come down to Portland and the next I stay in Seattle. Of course that would not work out, but I told her that we should see about something like that. As she walked me to my car I asked if I might need a special visa to visit Sweden. Rather than answer me she took me in an embrace and kissed me with such passion that I contemplated staying a while longer. In fact I did not care that an older woman was peering out of the manager’s office at us. I just closed my eyes and ignored her while I enjoyed the time with Sara.
On the way back to Portland, even as I looked into my rear-view mirror to make sure none of Sara’s lipstick might be on my face, I realized I would soon be passing Olympia. I wondered if Matt was still there or if he was back in Salt Lake. To my surprise, just a few minutes later, I heard my cell phone register a message. When I looked it was a text from Matt – well, not really a worded message, just a smiley face. I would have normally been irritated at something so simple, requiring so little of effort, but the gesture was nice. I sighed and thought about responding, but the traffic was too busy so I figured I would wait until I was closer to home.
I remembered the saying, “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we endevor to deceive.” And what a complex web of relationships I was building! I considered that most people would think I was incredibly selfish to be playing with people’s emotions as I was, especially since only Nicole had shared in washing the blood off after our most dark activities. Yet I didn’t care about that at the time. Besides, whose business was it what I did anyway?
Speaking of home, I was hoping that nothing would indicate any of my actions over the past three days. I always prided myself on discernment and hoped Nicole’s intuition was not quite as developed. I was not feeling guilty in the least, but I didn’t want to cause Nicole any unnecessary pain – or maybe I was worried about the consequences for myself if she found out. So I sprayed some perfume on to mask any hint of scent from Sara and looked over my things in the front seat to make sure nothing might betray my activities with either Sara or Matt.
As I was entering Portland I decided to get something nice for Nicole. Wow, here I was compensating in an attempt to conceal anything that would cause suspicion, in the same way some married guy would after returning home from cheating on his wife. To make it even more cliché I decided to buy a bunch of red roses. After a trip of several days, only described in vague terms to one’s lover, one would think I was just asking for questions to arise. I wasn’t considering that at the moment though. However, I suddenly blurted o
ut an obscenity as I realized how close I had come to not removing the bracelet that Sara had given me. I would hide it until I came up with some story about my buying it for myself. I would have to be very careful if I were to continue these games.
When I got home Nicole greeted me at the door. Her hair was messed up, she was wearing an old t-shirt and she looked as if she had just woken up. Yet before she had said much more than “Hello” I presented the flowers to her. She smiled and said, “How sweet! I missed you these past few days.” and put her arms around me. She apologized and said she was not feeling so well – so that evening we just ordered pizza.
After eating I gave Nicole a long, gentle back massage before she asked if we could go get some sleep. I treated her like a little girl I suppose as I tucked her into bed, kissed her forehead and asked her, “You don’t mind if I stay up a while, do you?” She yawned and merely said, “Good night sweetheart” and closed her eyes. I immediately headed to the computer and checked my e-mails. Sure enough I had messages from both Matt and Sara. Matt sent a wonderfully long letter and challenged me to find a few days in the future that he could treat me to a wilderness adventure more suited to, “…our kind of people.” I wondered how I could work that again with Nicole not finding out.
Sara’s letter was filled with emotions, but she didn’t even mention our visit. She sent some links to photo albums of Sweden in the summer as well as Christmas. It looked beautiful and I thought to myself that if I could juggle everyone around just right I could enjoy a fantastic time in Europe. I was so intrigued with the idea of such a trip that I wasn’t thinking when I was erasing some e-mail spam and accidentally erased Mark’s letter. That really made me feel stupid as I had planned on trying to read between the lines and detecting what made him tick when I was feeling more alert. I regretted that I had set my trash to eliminate the possibility of retrieval of erased messages.
Melanie's Awakening Page 19
