Melanie's Awakening

by Michael Cross

  Immediately upon hanging up I called the doctor he referred me to. She too questioned if I had considered my options but when I insisted she said she would do the procedure, but that she would feel more comfortable if I waited for at least three weeks. I was fine with that and scheduled a time for admission to her clinic.

  Once I put the phone down I had a certain amount of “buyer’s remorse” I suppose, but then I reminded myself of all the reasons we should not have a family as well as the consolation that there were eleven little children out there who owed their existence to me. I had given a gift that I would never be able to experience myself, which was disturbing in a way, but I found comfort in the thought that if any of my genetic offspring ever turned out bad it wouldn’t be my responsibility.

  Nicole came into the room and asked when my appointment was so she could be prepared to be there for me. I said I didn’t want anyone there, that I would just take care of some business in Seattle and rest. She would remind me often that she would be there in case I needed her.

  What amazed me was how fast my so-called maternal instincts faded away. Even when Nicole and I went out shopping I could see the difference. Normally I would see kids misbehaving in a store and have a great deal of tolerance. However, I noticed that after my decision I was feeling quite irritated when children acted up. I wondered if I was going to be one of those childless women who always had plenty of good advice for those who did have kids. Then I realized in my profession I would be dispensing advice for a living, I would just have to temper my attitudes. As for my studies, for some reason my mind was clear and focused. If I was going to be a career woman I had to get my degree so I resumed work on completing my projects and making sure my professors knew I was serious about my work.

  One day after shopping at the mall Nicole and I passed a travel agency. I stopped and looked at some of the trips. I had yet another epiphany, without kids I could devote my energies to my career, but in my spare time Nicole and I could travel the world. We would be one of those double-income-no-kids couples and at that time the world seemed to be opening up. Of course I had not forgotten about the idea of an Irish New Age wedding, but maybe feeling Nicole’s ring on my finger confirmed that she was here to stay. A wedding ritual would be fantastic, but not necessary to bond us.

  For the next several days we just hung out together and enjoyed late summer. Nicole suggested we go to the state fair in a week or so. That reminded me that summer was ending and I had to make a decision about schooling. I had almost completed all the research necessary for my program, but I needed to put in class time to wrap everything up. I decided that I wanted to take off one more term and then resume in winter – I called and received permission to follow the plan from my advisor and he promised to send me the requirements for my final thesis.

  That evening I felt a certain pain in my side and realized ovulation had occurred. What an odd thought I remembered having.... this was the last time I would actually be a fertile woman. A small part of me wondered what it would be like to just go crazy and go out and have some man get me pregnant. Of course I would not do that but I remembered I had not checked my e-mails for several days. Just for fun I looked – to my surprise I saw nothing from Matt or Sara. I laughed but this time told myself, “Well Matt, you jerk, that was your last chance!” However, for some reason I left my chat room open and left the computer on for the rest of the day while Nicole and I went out. When we returned, late in the afternoon, there had been no activity, no letters, from Matt nor Sara. I concluded those connections were now just a thing of the past.

  The next morning, Friday, I got up to see if my professor had sent me the thesis information yet. I opened up my inbox and noticed something strange – I had a letter from Sara’s mother. I was not even aware she knew how to reach me, which initially irritated me. However, upon opening it I discovered her reason of contact; she was trying to find out if I knew anything about Sara’s whereabouts. I knew Sara had close contact with her parents, and the letter indicated she always wrote to them several times a week, but hadn’t sent anything for days. I wrote back and let them know I had not seen her but I would let them know if I reached her. I decided to try to call her, mainly to see what was up. I only received her answering service.

  I didn’t think about it for a while but out of curiosity I checked my mails again around lunch. There was nothing. I didn’t think much about it any more that day and asked Nicole if she might be up for going to pizza and maybe going to a hot tub place. I felt a bit tired and was not into any long trips.

  The next morning Nicole said she wanted to do some shopping at the store and make a surprise dinner for me that evening. I said I would go for a long bike ride so when she returned home I wouldn’t see what she was preparing. As she left I decided to put some new music on my MP3 but while I was in the process I noticed I had received an e-mail from Matt. Without so much as a second of hesitation I hit “delete” and watched it disappear. That chapter in my life was over, I told myself, with a somewhat angry satisfaction.

  I got up but while I was putting my shoes on I did have a curiosity about what he had written. I realized my mail was still up and I rushed over and hit the button to go backwards, hoping I had not waited too long and there it was. I opened the letter and began to read.

  Matt apologized to me and said he had been involved in a crisis situation. His largest client was being indicted by the government for some ethics violations and his name was in the suit. He had spent the last week helping his client’s business get things straightened out as well as contacting his lawyer and making sure he wasn’t being charged with anything. He said he had even had a panic attack on the way back to Salt Lake on Saturday – and that it had started when he was contacted, just before he and I talked.

  Matt continued his explanation. Apparently everything with his client had been fixed but he had received no more than three or four hours of sleep each night. He asked for my forgiveness as well as asking if I was available to talk on the phone. I hesitated, thought about how I had finally decided to choose a path in life this week, and then considered my options. I could just not call him – I could even block him on my mail and chat line. Another option would be to call him and tell him I was already in a relationship and that we could not see each other anymore. The third option was to continue our connection behind Nicole’s back. I knew things were going to get more complicated but I chose the latter. I sent a letter back to him and said I would be out biking for a few hours and he could reach me by my cell phone. I then shut everything off – or so I thought – and went to get my bike out of the garage. Of course, just to make certain he contacted me I sent a text message to him saying, “You better read your e-mail you jerk. P.S. I missed you!” I looked around in a paranoid sort of way and took off down the road.

  In about thirty minutes I received a call from Matt. As much as I hated to admit it I really loved hearing his voice again. He repeated his apology about not contacting me for a week. After he told me more about all the legal problems that had consumed his time he asked when we could get together again. I joked, “So does that involve another dinner with your sister? If so I swear I am going to go naked this time!” The laughter from Matt was almost deafening. He joked, “If you do you have to let me join you – maybe we can go as Adam and Eve for her next Halloween party!” I kept up the flirting, “I am going to hold you to that if you aren’t careful.” He replied, “No, seriously – that might not go over well with her. However, want to hear something funny?” I waited a moment for him to continue, “This might surprise you but Ester said that if I did anything stupid, and made you angry, she would never forgive me!” I replied, “Are you serious?” He continued, “Yep! She said you impressed her as being a strong, mature woman despite your age. She also said you would be a great catch!” I warned him, “Okay, well you better never make me angry then.”

  At that point I remembered that I had scheduled my sterilization in two weeks. I really had to
figure this out – what did I really want? I asked, “Matt, can we meet in Seattle in a week and just hang out for a while? I am a little confused right now and, please don’t take this wrong, but I really want us to get to know each other.” His voice conveyed a bit of a worried tone but he assured me, “Melanie, no matter what I will take the time to see you.” Before letting him go I asked if he could use a different e-mail account from then on. I gave him the one I used for school and, before ending the conversation, said, “I want to hear back from very soon.”

  I felt glad after his call. I was now convinced he found me desirable. Yet I really was stressed about the moment of truth in regards to my relationship situation. Sara apparently was out of the picture, or so I thought. Yet there remained my juggling act with Matt and Nicole – what would my choice be? If I failed to go through with the procedure Nicole was become suspicious, but if I did then that would probably be the end of any chances with Matt. This was very confusing, and I saw no easy way out. Little did I realize just how complicated things were going to become.

  Chapter 18

  I rode my bike about twenty five miles that day, and I still had energy. I thought perhaps Nicole and I should go do something fun together. It was early and was getting quite hot so I thought maybe a day of sunbathing at Rooster Rock might be nice.

  I was happy to see Nicole’s car was still in the driveway and I walked in. I called out to Nicole as I opened the door and she replied, “Yeah, hello – hope you had fun bike riding or whatever you were doing.” That was an odd way to answer I thought. As I entered the living room Nicole was slouched on the chair and staring towards the window. I asked what was wrong but all she said was, “Nothing really, just thinking.” I asked her about what, but she just sat there. I thought maybe she was just tired, or depressed, but about what? I sat on the side of the chair and leaned against her and asked if she might want to go sunbathing at the beach again.

  Her reply startled me, “Hey that sounds like fun Melanie. I wonder though, what part of the beach do you think you might be most comfortable on? Maybe we can sit kind of in the middle area – that might fit your personality.” I asked, “What do you mean Nicole?” She then flew off the couch and rushed into the bedroom. Of course I suspected she had found out something, but I had to act confused. I took a deep breath and began my journey to the bedroom fully aware that whatever it was that caused her to be so angry I would have to minimize any possible accusations that could come in the next few minutes.

  I walked in saw that Nicole was lying face down on her pillow. I asked what was wrong but she remained quiet, except for faint crying. I decided to see what she would do if I caressed her back and when I did extend my arm and touch her she quickly turned over and looked at me, her eyes red and wet, some of her hair stuck on the moisture of her face, “Melanie, maybe if you are going to carry on a secret life you should be at least smart enough to exit out of your little love mails on the computer!” I asked defensively, “You have been reading my mail?” She didn’t say a word for a second and then, “Oh, that’s good – hey, I apologize for snooping into the life of the only person I thought I could trust. Like I said, turn off the computer from now on – it is not the first time you have left things up you know.”

  I should have been angry but I felt absolutely nothing at that moment except that I had to be skilful to minimize the fallout from her discovery. I asked, “So you, uh, know about the correspondence with, uhm…” She injected, “Matt? Don’t tell me you forgot his name already!” I then wondered which letters she might have read. I prodded her with selective information, “You know, Matt is Mark Lindberg’s brother – he got in touch with me to ask some questions about the last months of Mark’s life. What is it you think is going on?”

  Nicole wiped a tear out of her eye stared at me in anticipation of my continuing, “Nicole, I have written him back and he just continues to ask questions. Maybe he’s lonely, I don’t know. You really don’t have to worry you know.” Nicole said, “Okay Melanie. I have only read a couple of the letters. All I know is that he lives in Salt Lake City.” I asked, “Why are you so mad Nicole?” She replied, “I guess I’m not sure. I got the feeling he thinks you are showing interest in him. I guess I should know how crazy that sounds, but I just can’t help but feel a little threatened, that’s all.” She sighed and noted, “I guess he lives a long ways away though.” She and I laughed and she shook her head, “Hey, Melanie, I can just picture you a Mormon housewife in Utah!” and then she smiled and I took the opportunity to joke back, “Yeah, I wonder if I lived there I could have several husbands?” Nicole fell back onto the bed and, in amusement commented, “Or maybe you could have several wives too if they allow that!”

  The mood had changed quickly and I was really happy that Nicole apparently had not read everything, and that Matt and I had not discussed any visits with each other through the e-mail. Nicole then sat up and hugged me, “I am not all that concerned, but Melanie remember, you get any temptations to try out Mark’s brother I can find out where he lives as easily as that crazy girl with the green highlights.”

  I froze at that comment. Nicole had not mentioned Sara to this point, and now she was describing her – and I knew for a certain that Sara had never sent me a picture of herself in any e-mail! I immediately considered the unthinkable – Sara’s sudden absence, and her lack of responses to my contacts as well as her parents, might actually have an unthinkable explanation.

  I asked, “Nicole, what are you talking about?” She looked away, maybe in thought, maybe trying to develop an answer to a possibly accidental comment. She muttered the words, “Nothing, I mean, you know, your friend in Seattle you told me about.” I tried to get her to look at me and asked, “When did I say anything about anyone in Seattle?” Nicole went quiet. She now sat there staring at her hands in her lap – she was no longer crying, just motionless and silent.

  I shouted, “Nicole, oh please tell me you didn’t have anything to do with the fact nobody knows where she is anymore. Tell me!” Nicole continued to sit motionless, and then I saw tears drip onto her hands, one after another; she didn’t bother to stop them…it was as if she was paralyzed and unaware of even her own body’s functioning. I had to get answers so I knelt down on my knees in front of her and started to gently wipe her eyes with one of my scarves. “Nicole? Hey there my love, could you tell me – tell me what happened? I promise it is between you and me, nobody else will know.”

  “Nothing happened” she whispered. “I will tell you everything if you want, just don’t hate me.” I was ready for the worse, but what followed just didn’t feel right. She claimed I had left my mail open just before she said she had to visit her mom. She knew she shouldn’t, but she opened a couple of the letters and knew a relationship must either exist or have once existed. She was hurt and looked up Sara’s address in my personal phone directory. She had to see her, just to put a face to the person, the intruder. She claimed that was all, and she had gone to Seattle, not to her mom’s, and stalked her a while. She looked at me and claimed, “Look Melanie, I swear to you that the last time I saw that girl she was at a bar making out with some Latino looking guy.” I was startled, “What? Making out with a guy? That’s kinda strange considering she is a lesbian.” Nicole shook her head, “She sure wasn’t acting like one that night.” I sat quiet a moment and Nicole touched my knee and, in an anxious voice said, “Once I figured out there was nothing going on between the two of you I decided to spend the next day looking for just the right ring to propose to you with.” I gently took her hand and, in as re-assuring voice as I could deliver I claimed, “You have nothing to worry about with Sara. That was over a long time ago and I should have told you but…I just wanted to put it behind me.”

  I asked about Matt. She said she had looked at one letter – the one apparently about his wanting information on his brother. It was not until she read his most recent one that she felt he was intruding. I assured her she had nothing to worry about with
Matt. All he wanted was information on his brother and then he just seemed to like writing to me. She responded, “I guess you are right, but I still feel threatened you might abandon me for some guy.” I held her close, “Don’t worry....remember, I made that appointment didn’t I?” She said, “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry for being so insecure.” She and I held each other for a few minutes before she said she had to go into the kitchen and check something. I fell down on the bed and contemplated what was becoming both a confusing situation.

  I tried to analyze that Nicole had said. The more and more I pondered her story the more I found it impossible to believe her! After all, she had just admitted to reading my personal mails and then going on a search for Sara – and on top of that she stalked her for almost two days! And now, Sara had dropped out of sight. And then there was the threat against Matt. Would he soon disappear as well? I knew what she was capable of. She had shown me that quite clearly when she enlisted my help in killing him. While I might not feel sorry for his demise, it did seem odd that she barely talked about him since the murder. Did that mean she could end someone’s life once they became an inconvenience to her and then just go on with her own life as if nothing happened? What if I became an inconvenience some day?