In the days that followed I showered Nicole with affection – we even went to the state fair in Salem. It had been a long time since I had been to the fair before. The crowds, the smell of meat roasting, coupled with various candles at little stands, as well as the music blending together in some sort of competition for my mind’s attention brought back memories. I can’t say the memories were pleasant though since in the past I been alone when I visited these events. Now I was with someone, and could share in the experience with her. This visit was really pleasurable – despite the sensory overload.
While we were eating some overpriced hamburgers I mentioned I was planning on leaving Monday of the following week for my operation. Nicole again asked, “Melanie, if you want I will come with you – I owe you that.” I shook my head, “No. This is something I want to do alone.” Of course I had other things on my mind, and plans that I wanted to conceal from her. Nicole then hit me with a major surprise, “Melanie, I really appreciate your doing this but if you, you know, want to cancel it I would understand.” That put me in an awkward situation! If I cancelled the appointment then I had no excuse to go to Seattle. Also, it occurred to me, why was she not worried about my being in Seattle if Sara were still there? One would expect her to be suspicious. Yet more days had come and gone and the absence of any e-mails or calls from Sara lent to the probability that Nicole knew that Sara would never, ever make any appearance in my life again. However, I was curious about the apparent change in Nicole’s demands in regards to me. I asked, “Nicole, you were the one insisting that I undergo the procedure. What changed your mind?” She looked right at me and replied, “For once you have not pestered me about children. If you have finally decided that our family will only consist of just us then I suppose there is no reason to spend any money on getting fixed.” I almost choked on the French fries in my mouth. I took a quick drink of soda and replied, “And the pain? Don’t forget that!” She pouted, “Yeah, that too. Tell you what, why don’t you just go ahead and cancel your appointment and we can go play in the wilderness for a while?” I was actually getting really annoyed at the control she was trying to exercise on me. However, I replied, “No, Nicole, you were right, it will prove that I will never bug you again over children” Nicole then smiled and leaned forward, “Thanks – I really do love you, you know.”
That incident at the fair was an epiphany for me. While I had been toying with the idea of giving up my goal of being a mother Nicole’s attitude had made me realize what I wanted was what really counted. Needless to say I remained in communication with Matt when Nicole was not around – I guess it really felt as if I was carrying on an emotional affair with him. We talked about everything, our goals in life, family, even religion – which I tended to dance around. By now when we would kid around with each other we were answering each other’s questions before they were even asked. I was becoming more and more attached to him, constantly thinking of him, even while I was intimate with Nicole. Yet at the same time, I could not contemplate a future without her. I tried to envision some sort of way to have them both. Maybe we could work out an arrangement, a group marriage perhaps? At least an open marriage might work. Yet while I contemplated this ideal the reality hit. I had tried to ignore the nagging suspicions I had about her but it was getting harder with each passing day. She was concealing too much from me – the truth surrounding Daniel and Mark were the least of her apparent deceptions…there was obviously the matter of Sara. Nicole’s desire to be the center of my universe would probably make any unconventional arrangement pretty much impossible to consider.
I found myself in actual prayer that Sara would send some sort of message so as to prove my fears unfounded but nothing appeared. And again the thought of Daniel kept creeping into my mind. Running his fate through my mind was enough to justify my being frightened of what Nicole was capable of. I did not show it though; I sat with her in the evenings talking, we went for walks – we did everything we normally would do. I managed to play as if everything was okay, and that our life was totally care free.
However, Monday was approaching fast and my decisions on several matters were now coming due. I knew for certain I would meet up with Matt, and that was all I was sure of. What about other decisions that would eventually have to be made? I was overwhelmed with anxiety over what to do, why couldn’t Sara just send me a letter – at least then all I would face was a complicated relationship situation. Yet when Sunday came, and after packing the car, I tried again to call her – no answer. There was no e-mail either. The moment of truth was coming fast and I still didn’t know what I was going to do about the woman whose eyes sparkled when she entered the room and looked at me. What I was contemplating was unthinkable, yet I was becoming more and more convinced there might be no other option. Yet…could I really live without her?
Chapter 19
At least I had my departure planned for Monday just after lunch. I would make sure the notice sent by the doctor scheduled to render me incapable of having children was in plain view of Nicole – I had even circled the time – “Thursday, 2:00pm” Nicole approached me that morning again to remind me I didn’t have to go through with it, but either I had to do it, or go to Seattle and then claim I chickened out. Of course I knew it was a lie, but I told her, “Don’t worry Nicole, the next time you see me I will be no more capable of having kids as a post-menopausal woman. You won’t have to worry about me bugging you anymore.” For some reason she became silent at my comment and looked somewhat sad – but left the room without questioning me anymore.
I was just about ready to jump in the shower but instead walked into the bedroom and looked at the clothes in my closet. There was my red dress, an open back gown I had only worn to my graduation ceremony from college. I had stored it away in a drawer but I carefully took it out and packed it underneath the rest of my clothes in my suitcase. I didn’t know what Matt had in mind for the next few days and I certainly didn’t want Nicole asking why I was taking such a dress. However, I had almost forgotten one last detail. It seemed time to return to the more feminine me, which was more to my liking anyway. I would shave and just tell Nicole that I was a bit self-conscious about going to the doctor and all.
Once I was out of the shower Nicole did not say anything, but she seemed to be clinging on me. She followed me everywhere and finally asked if I really had to go so soon – but I told her that I needed the time. I reminded her that this was a big decision and I would meditate on it so it would be easier. She said she understood. I told her I would like to spend some time with her if she wanted to go get ready. She excused herself and went into the bathroom which gave me just enough time to check my mails one last time. The only letter in my main account was one from Sara’s parents. They said they still had not heard anything from her and gave their number and asked me to call collect as soon as I could. Great! I took down the number and deleted the mail. It seemed almost certain they would never see their daughter again.
I turned off the computer just as Nicole entered the room. She started to caress my shoulders and gave me a light kiss on the neck. At that moment I pushed aside any thoughts of Sara’s fate and embraced Nicole. We made our way to the couch and entered a realm of passion that was so intense that I questioned my intentions to embark on my journey. Yet as the afternoon approached I reluctantly informed Nicole, “I think its time for me to get going.” She sighed and looked extremely disappointed. She replied, “If you must.” As I stood up to get dressed Nicole asked, “For the appointment right – I mean the reason you shaved?” Again, the controlling! Part of me had been considering complying with Nicole’s wishes once I could determine Matt’s intentions, but now I decided that any such move would be my decision, not hers. However, I replied, “Yes, but there will be no need anymore.” Once I was dressed I sat down next to her and wrapped my arms around her. I announced, “I guess its time for me to leave.” Nicole looked sad, but I was finally able to get up and get my things together. Nicole got up and threw he
r clothes on in a hurried manner so she could follow me to the car. This time I carefully looked around before giving Nicole a farewell kiss. She began to cry but I assured her I would be back soon. She said I had better be and I started the car and waved to her.
While driving I had more time to think and reflect. I was mostly positive that the doctor’s appointment was not going to be part of my plan. Strangely enough a little part of me contemplated actually going through with it. I had no idea why, maybe a sense of loyalty to Nicole, or uncertainty of my future. And ironically enough I was at that same time analyzing my existing options. The first was to tell Nicole I had undergone the procedure and return to our normal lives, with no one else in the picture. That of course would be the easiest thing to do. The second option would be up to Matt – just how serious was he about our relationship? The third option...well, that might depend on what I would find the next morning.
While driving I called Matt to find out what time we would meet up. It was nice to hear his voice and I realized just how much I had missed his company – which of course only magnified my anxiety over the situation. He asked if I could meet him Tuesday evening at the hotel in Olympia and then we could go to dinner. That would be fantastic as it gave me time to accomplish a little detective work.
After dinner I called Nicole to see how she was doing. She still seemed sad and even went so far as to ask me to think again before going through with the operation. I joked with her and said, “Who is the one nagging now?” and told her I would see her in a week. Afterwards I looked at the phone number of Sara’s parents, sighed, and decided I would call them the next day.
When I woke up that morning I had a plan to satisfy my fears in regards to Sara. I drove over to her apartment complex – hoping to see her there or at least to get some clue as to where she had disappeared to. I knew I stood the risk of being more connected to her if foul play indeed had occurred, but I figured I was already implicated so why not go ahead?
I parked in visitor’s parking and then went to see if anyone was in Sara’s assigned spot. Sure enough, her little blue car was there, yet the dust cover over it rendered it more a greyish blue. Its appearance was that of an abandoned car.
I wanted to see if there were any clues left behind in the apartment. I went back to my car and retrieved a couple of books. Then I went to the manager’s office. The old woman who saw Sara and I kissing in the lot was sitting there watching TV. I said, “Hello!” in an easy manner, pretending to be totally at ease. She turned down the TV and walked over to the desk. I asked, “I was just wondering, I have some books I need to leave at my friend’s place, Sara Bergman, could I get the key?” She shook her head and said, “You have to be on the lease my dear but I will gladly hold the books for her.” I laughed and held my left hand up – pointing at the ring, “I will be on the lease soon.” She then gave me a condescending look before turning to her spare key box, “Now I remember you, the last time I saw you with her you had really pretty hair! Just do me a favor please, let your girlfriend know that her rent has been overdue for over a week. She owes me a late charge.” I thanked her and told her I would remind Sara when I saw her.
When I opened the door to Sara’s apartment I was hit with an awful smell of decay. The refrigerator door was slightly ajar and various meats, milk, yogurt and fruits were in the process of decomposition. It seemed nobody had been in the apartment for weeks. This was not a good sign. I wanted to sit down and try to sort this out but the smell was enough to almost make me vomit. I tried to breathe through my mouth as I looked everywhere to get some clue as to where Sara might have taken off to, but there was nothing. It seems everything pointed to my worse fears being confirmed.
I left the books on her kitchen table and returned the key. I asked her to have Sara call me when she returned. I really would have liked to be able to see Matt right then, just to get my mind off the thoughts running through my head. I was feeling really confused and isolated and needed someone to be with for comfort.
I drove to the park that Sara and I used to spend so much time at. I just sat there on the bench staring at the pond – wondering if perhaps she might be staring back at me from the bottom. I wondered just how Nicole, all on her own, had been able to kill Sara and dispose of the body. I knew she was quite capable and creative. My curiosity was driving me insane at that moment! I also realized that I too had been in Seattle when Sara disappeared, so I had better make sure I covered my tracks really well; although at least I had Matt as an alibi, unless something happened to him as well.
I later returned to my hotel room and undertook the task of calling Sara’s parents. I introduced myself and they seemed like nice people on the phone, and their English was quite good. They were desperate to know what they should do. I suggested they file a missing persons report. They asked if I would assist them if they were able to fly to Seattle and I said I would if nothing turned up. Her mother commented, “I know you must be worried sick about Sara – I hope everything turns out well and we can all meet with each other over the holidays. Sara has spoken so kindly of you.” I thanked her and asked her to keep me informed. I sat the phone down and could feel the growing anger in me towards Nicole – now I had been drawn into what could soon become a full investigation by the police.
I was beginning to feel an anxiety attack coming on. It would be about three hours before Matt would arrive and there was no way I could just sit there and wait. I changed into my jogging clothes and, despite not knowing the neighborhood all that well, I tried to relax though running, and running and running! The adrenaline that had built up in my body would take some real effort to neutralize. After about and hour I could taste blood in my throat, and I had to stop for a moment. I gasped for breath and tried to get the energy to return to the hotel. When I made it back I was drenched in sweat and fell onto my bed. I felt a bit more relaxed, although I knew my muscles would soon hurt like crazy if I remained motionless. I decided to go swim a few minutes in the pool and try to get myself together before Matt arrived.
After returning from the pool I rushed to get ready. I decided to go all out and put on the nicest blouse and slacks I had as well as apply ample amounts of makeup. Just as I completed my transformation for our date I heard a knock on the door. I had to put the whole Sara mess behind me, the last thing I needed was to let anxiety get in the way of this moment. The next few days would probably determine the course of my life. I looked down at my hand, at Nicole’s ring. I decided it might be a good idea to remove it but I didn’t want it lost. Since I did not trust people working at hotels I decided to switch it onto my right hand instead, just to make sure it was safe.
I opened the door. There was Matt looking at me with his blue eyes, not saying a word, just smiling and looking at me. We both were probably a pathetic site those first few seconds until, as if on cue, we both lurched towards each other. It was like a scene from some dumb romantic comedy, both arguing over who missed the other the most and holding each other tight. I may have been committing some blasphemy but I said a silent prayer he would put aside his moral objections and lead me to my bed, or “our” bed as I wished.
I needed intimacy – it was the only thing that could enable me to totally repress my problem. Matt, however, offered me only emotional intimacy, and I had to be satisfied with that, for the moment. Matt asked I would like to grab some tacos at the local mall and just look around – he apologized for being a little tired as he had arrived at his sister’s from Salt Lake at 3.30 am and only had slept a few hours. I replied, in as flirtatious voice as I dared, “I am open to anything you want – just let me know.”
At the mall we kind of did the teenage thing and checked the stores – window shopping, I guess. He held me around the waist as we passed a travel agency. Matt asked, “So, what country would you like to visit?” I looked at the posters and pointed to the one for China. Matt responded, “It’s a beautiful country. I have been there a few times and would really enjoy going back – maybe taking
one of those long hikes on the Great Wall.” I replied, “I love hiking you know.” He nodded his head but did not reply. I could so imagine doing such a thing with him.
We soon stopped in front of a jewellery store and he asked what I thought of the styles there. I said I might have unique tastes, wondering what he was getting at. We just looked around at various bracelets, necklaces, and rings. He said, “Here, wait just a second, that is just so ‘you’ Melanie” and he had the lady at the counter take out a novelty ring with little angel on it. I tried it on my ring finger – perfect fit. He then wrote out my name on a paper and asked if it could be engraved and picked up in the morning. I took his hand and asked, “Why are you showing me so much kindness?” He looked at me with his innocent eyes, “Because, Melanie, you deserve it, I would just like to give you more.”
While we were eating our “gourmet” dinner of Mexican food he noticed the ring Nicole had given me and commented, “That is certainly a beautiful ring on your finger.” I could detect he was probing me so I immediately commented, “Oh, yes, it’s very special to me. My girlfriend gave it to me to symbolize our friendship. She really is my only friend.” He answered in a relieved manner, “That is great! I hope to meet her someday.” That comment, as unintended as it might be, cut into my heart. I really didn’t think he would ever get the chance to meet her. Well, I actually got this terrible image of his meeting her and that being the last person he ever encountered. I would never let her have the opportunity to cause him to disappear like Sara had. However, I had to repress the thoughts that were starting to take over my mind. I was still hoping Sara would show up and my fears would vanish.
Melanie's Awakening Page 26
