Soon the big day for Nicole and me arrived. It was an unusually warm day for early October, and the colors of the trees at the Columbia Gorge were fantastic. I figured there was no more appropriate place for Nicole and I to exchange our vows of love and loyalty for one another than Multnoma Falls. Nicole had only invited her mother, and had asked her not to tell anyone else in her family, since she knew her mother would be the only one accepting of whatever she wanted. The woman who read our vows to us was beautiful! Her name was Lilith and she was maybe in her late 30s, with blonde hair that extended down the shoulders of her long white gown. The only jewellery she wore was a small pentagram necklace and she was barefoot, as were Nicole and I. The ceremony seemed like something from the pre-Christian era of Europe, where people were connected to nature in a more profound way…where magic and spirituality were interwoven with the creation. As Nicole and I held each other’s hands and made our special promises to each other, I felt an eternal bond with both her and with the elements of God’s universe was forged that morning.
As the ceremony came to an end Lilith asked for us to express our love. For some reason I had no problem embracing Nicole in front of her and Nicole’s mother and kissing her. It felt as if time stood motionless as neither of us seemed willing to take the initiative to end the moment. I have no idea how long we held each other but by the time we did gently release each other I could see not only a very pleased new mother-in-law but a group of Asian tourists watching from the bridge above us. They waved and clapped their hands. One older guy kissed what must have been his wife and pointed to his camera. Nicole looked at me and smiled and we gave them something to talk about when they got home. Afterwards Nicole’s mother hugged me and said she was thrilled to have such a beautiful daughter in law.
After the ceremony Nicole let her mom borrow her car to return home and Nicole and I changed clothes and headed off to the Portland airport to begin our honeymoon in Hawaii. While it might seem somewhat inappropriate I called Matt while we were waiting for our plane to arrive. Nicole decided to be playful and even as we were surrounded by mostly retired tourists she began to kiss my neck and nibble on my earlobe as I tried to talk with Matt. I of course told him the truth, in a way. I said that I was spending a week with Nicole just to unwind in Hawaii. He replied, “Too bad I can’t be there with you.” Nicole heard that and looked at me with an impish grin. Once Matt and I were finished I gave Nicole a funny face and asked, “What was up with that look you gave me? I thought you said you were through with men!” She did not say a word at first. She leaned back in her seat and smiled in the same manner a mischievous child might. I poked her and she finally replied, “I am! Don’t worry. I’m glad he isn’t with us.” I sighed and leaned against her until the boarding call came across the speaker.
The Honeymoon was fantastic. Nobody knew us in Hawaii and Nicole had downloaded a guide to gay and lesbian nightclubs, as well as clothing optional beaches. Neither of us held back as we enjoyed the opportunity to experience this tropical playground. On the beach I had to ask, “Nicole, are you going to be okay with being my maid of honor when Matt and I get married?” She replied, “Finally you ask! I was going to go berserk on you if you didn’t.” Of course she continued, “Oh the irony. My wife is getting married. So you will be a part-time Mormon mommy and a part-time lesbian. What does that make you?” I replied, “Melanie Johnson, that’s who. And like you once asked, do you notice we are not on any specific part of the beach here?” She laughed and said, “I absolutely love you.”
Nicole officially met Matt after we returned from Hawaii. They hit it off right from the start. In fact, Nicole became really accepting of Matt and said, “He reminds me of Mark, but he’s different in a very positive sense.” From then on she was really friendly with Matt, even though she knew she had to share me with him. She even spent hours and hours helping me get ready for our wedding in December – including helping me pick out a beautiful traditional wedding gown. Of course I had told Matt that Nicole had helped me get through the difficulty of my mother’s death and I had agreed to let her stay in my house indefinitely if she wanted. I also said I wanted a fresh start, away from what I claimed were lingering memories from house. He agreed and we spent a lot of time together looking for our own ideal home – which wound up only a twenty minute drive from where I was living.
The wedding to Matt was every bit as special as when Nicole and I were married. Nicole and I flew into Salt Lake City during a snow storm. Yet the clouds soon vanished and the ground was covered in a blanket of glistening white as the sun radiated light from a sky that was vibrant blue in color. We spent time meeting with members of Matt’s large extended family and on more than one occasion had to lie and say Nicole had a boyfriend when some young man in Matt’s family would ask about her status. When New Year’s Eve arrived we all headed to a large chapel on top of a hill near his parent’s home. We had been able to reserve the building even though there were going to be activities that evening. His family filled the seats and soon a very solemn and traditional ceremony began. As I looked at Matt in his tuxedo I felt a certain pride that here I was getting married in a church to a man who was unique in all respects, loved me, and wanted his whole family to see us become man and wife. As we recited our vows I looked over at Nicole who was standing next to several of Matt’s nieces who we asked to be bridesmaids. She smiled and even seemed to shed a tear of happiness.
When the bishop concluded our vows Matt and I kissed. Of course we did not display the same passion as Nicole and I had done during our wedding; it was doubtful that our audience would appreciate such an uninhibited display of affection. Then again, maybe I was judging them wrong, who knows? During the reception that followed I made sure Nicole was always at my side. At one point, after everyone had congratulated Matt and I, Nicole whispered in my ear, “You really should have included a ‘giving the bride away’ in the wedding. I guess I would have had to do it though.” I turned and replied, “Nobody gives me to anyone. Besides, this is a relationship of sharing, right?” She smiled, “True, and I doubt anyone here would understand the arrangement.”
Matt and I spent the night at a nice hotel to begin to celebrate our honeymoon. We then flew off to southern China and spent time exploring the rural countryside. We had a marvellous time hiking in nature and enjoying the food and culture we found in the small villages we biked through. The experiences I had with Matt were very special to me – just as much as the wedding and honeymoon with Nicole had been. Of course just as these were unique and special so too were the relationships I would enjoy with both of my loves. Some people might feel it is impossible to fully love two people, but yet can comprehend loving two, three or more children in a family equally. This was merely the same thing, just different if that is understandable.
Another irony of my life was that now, besides having taken the lives of so many people, I was also a bigamist. I suppose the difference between being a polygamist and a bigamist is that a polygamist’s mates are fully aware of the arrangement, while a bigamist keeps additional loves secret – as I planned to do with Matt. Yet, again, my love for Matt was for him as an individual and we had a unique spiritual connection to each other – it was not some blurry concept lovers sometimes express like some sort of greeting card slogan. So since it all seemed to work out, why should I not be able to have the opportunity to make two separate people happy?
Besides, maybe I liked the challenge of being an outsider, of managing so many different personas. For two weeks out of the month I was the wife of a devout Mormon businessman who had just graduated with her master’s degree in psychology and expecting twins. I was very traditional, and I fitted in really well, so well in fact that Matt’s bishop had asked me to teach young children in Sunday school. The children and parents loved me – yet I resisted officially joining his religion, perhaps just so I could remain outside and not part of some social structure. I got such a rush when I was in Matt’s social circle knowing I had a secre
t, not as dark as my bloodier past, but certainly a lifestyle that would have shocked all my new acquaintances. However, when I was with Nicole I cherished the security and traditions of my alter ego lifestyle.
Matt made me feel special as well, and I really appreciated that he was not as conventional as his friends and family. He was conservative, on one level, yet could feel totally at ease spending a week with me at a nudist resort in northern California in July. Everybody has something that would surprise the people around them I suppose.
Naturally, those two weeks each month that I shared with Nicole were special but required an alteration in how we were in public. We had to be a bit more careful about how open we could be once I married Matt – one could never know who might see you making out on the waterfront and happen to know your husband from somewhere. Of course I made one exception to our rule. Nicole and I were shopping for groceries when I saw the neighbour who had jumped on my case. I was wearing a maternity blouse and so I put my arm around Nicole and asked her to play along. We approached the neighbour and I said hi and that since I was expecting soon I would like to know how the schools were in our area. She seemed to try to congratulate me sincerely, and describe the positive aspects of the local schools, but it was apparent that she was terribly uncomfortable – which, once we had left her sight, caused us to totally break out in laughter.
A big surprise was that I had hit it off with Matt’s sister. She was politically active and arranged for me to be a speaker at some pro-family group she was a member of; and ironically enough I spoke on the psychological supports for the traditional family model. After I gave a convincing presentation, I was approached by a researcher from the psychology department of a university in Portland. His name was Dr. Hodge – an older and distinguished-looking man. We talked about our interests and he lit up when I said I was really into anything relating to psychopathology and criminality. He said he was beginning a research study on that very subject and asked if I would like to take part. That was like asking an alcoholic to work in a bar, so of course I jumped at the opportunity.
Yes, I could juggle my past, my present and my future quite well. Even my past was more a memory than a worry. Nicole had promised that we would no longer do any killing in the future, yet she still had that dark side about her – which I could both fear and love at the same time. One evening she even brought over some movie about Unit 731, which of course she warned Matt was historical, but really morbid even by her standards. He agreed to watch but in the middle of a vivisection scene he asked if I believed someone could survive that long. I said that Mark had once given a lesson that a person might live over an hour if this was happening to them. He seemed astonished while Nicole merely smiled and shook her head. When an even more bizarre experiment was depicted Nicole asked, “Melanie, what do you think?” I did not want to start playing with too many inside jokes right then so I looked at her with one of those “Cool it!” expressions. Matt commented, “That is just sick! To do something like that to some innocent person…I mean, at least if they had done the experiment on some criminal. The doctors doing that should have received the same treatment once they were caught.” Matt then went into the other room to get some more snacks. While he was away Nicole lit up and pointed towards the kitchen and said, “You don’t suppose..:” I interrupted, “Nicole, knock it off – get any of those thoughts out of your head right now!”
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Melanie's Awakening Page 32
