When the odometer indicated five miles I pulled over. I rushed out and aimed my flashlight hoping to see the jagged Phoenix rock but I could only see a few feet in front of me. I was panicking, I could not catch my breath and my chest felt as if someone was sitting on it. What had I done? Somewhere nearby was Nicole, buried alive, and I began to doubt I could find her. I was choking up and then decided to say a little prayer that I could find her. I calmed down a bit and just started walking forward. Suddenly there was a gust of wind and the fog was pushed away for a moment, and there it was, the rock. Now I could get my bearings!
As I walked in the path that I estimated was correct, I felt so alone. I was enveloped in the fog again, and the rocks took on sinister shapes in my mind. Ironically, I wondered if my head would be sticking on one of those rocks if I did find her. She deserved revenge after all. Then, a thought came to my mind. I had read in a book on near death experiences that the Egyptians would temporarily seal an important person in a coffin in hopes that his soul would separate from the body and experience near death – and with it gain important insights. Nicole knew I was a little quirky so could I convince her that this was all part of an elaborate ritual – a cleansing or re-birth? I seriously had my doubts but it was all I could think of rather than saying, “Oops, I made a mistake – sorry for almost killing you!”
I looked at my watch – it had been four hours since I left her in the cave. I shined my light in all directions and then, there it was! I had found the cave opening. I prepared for the worse. I took out my phone and deleted the messages from Sara and Matt. Then I pulled on the rock, but with no success. I had sealed the rock too tightly into the opening. I again panicked and put all my strength into pulling and kicking the rock to try to dislodge it. Images of when I had kicked Bernie into his watery grave came to mind just as I felt a slight loosening. Finally, using all the strength my legs had, I pried the rock away form the entrance.
A cloud of dust had been kicked up as the rock dislodged. . I shined my light in the opening but could see nothing. What troubled me was that I heard nothing. Was the oxygen used up? Was Nicole already dead?
I crawled in feet first and then, as I entered I saw Nicole’s body stretched out, her eyes shut and her mouth slightly open. I knelt down beside her. I saw no movement of her body at all. Suddenly I felt a bit faint myself – apparently the oxygen supply was almost depleted. However, as I shined the light towards the entrance I could see dust particles leaving and could feel cool air coming in. It seemed I was feeling a little less faint so I sat the flashlight down next to Nicole and put my hand on her neck to check for a pulse. Not only was there no pulse, the slight pressure of my touch caused Nicole’s head to effortlessly turn the opposite direction. It seemed she not only looked lifeless, she was lifeless! I screamed out, “No! No, no, no this can’t be real!” I made a fist and brought it down on Nicole’s exposed chest. In desperation I moved her head, opened her mouth wide and tried to breathe life into her. I continued this for a minute or two and then suddenly…I heard a faint moan come from her. I continued until she coughed and sucked in a deep breath!
I sat up. Her eyes opened, she looked at me and in a sweet, almost heavenly voice she asked, “What took you so long?” That was not exactly what I had expected, but I was overjoyed she was alive! She smiled, “I knew you were coming Melanie, I just thought you would get tired of waiting a little sooner.” I looked at her in that way a person looks at you when they are in disbelief, as well as happy. I said, “Here, let me get you out of those things.” Nicole responded, in a voice that again carried an almost mystic tone to it, “Please, there is no hurry, just sit down for a moment.” I seriously wondered if she were suffering from oxygen deprivation or shock. I complied but I shone the light to the entrance to make sure the air was still circulating.
I asked Nicole if she could wait just a moment and let me explain. I told her the Egyptian practice and mixed it in with some New Age psychobabble to make it appear she was never in any danger. I said the reason I brought up issues like Sara and Daniel was to clear the air, to trample any hidden secrets, and once we left the cave then it meant a new beginning, a ritualistic re-birth.
Nicole laughed and said, “Weird, but remarkable at the same time. I suppose if I had known the purpose the effect would have been ruined.” I fumbled for the keys to the locks but she commented, “No, stay there. I have to tell you something before I forget okay?” I sat the keys aside and remained seated as she had insisted. She no longer seemed to mind being stretched out. She was not even struggling anymore – just moving her fingers and toes as she resumed describing her experience, “I don’t know how to say this but I saw something really odd, I mean, I felt like I was out of my body but at the same time maybe it was a dream.” I asked her to continue, “I am not sure I understand what it was, I just saw a future me, and I was at our house, and I had three young blonde daughters. That’s weird, huh?” I Nodded my head and she continued, “You know what was really odd was my kids were all asking when ‘Aunt Melanie’ was bringing her kids over to play. What’s that all about?” I smiled and said, “That’s interesting.”
She quickly responded, “Interesting? I guess so. I mean you cannot even have kids anymore so I guess it was just a dream. A nice one though.” I laughed and replied, “Since this is a moment for secrets to be told I have to admit that I did not actually go through with the operation.” Nicole suddenly tried to raise her head. She began to laugh, “Oh wow, maybe it wasn’t a dream after all! Strange though, how come if we are together you are bringing your kids over to see mine at your place?” Then she laughed, went silent a moment, and sighed, “It might be nice to release me now. I think I have had enough stretching out to last a lifetime!” I had to admit I was suspicious this was all an act, and I might get that axe in the head after all. Yet I unlocked her limbs, and after we held each other for a while, she said, “We are even now my love. You lied about the operation and I lied about Daniel. Maybe we should avoid being dishonest ever again.”
As I was holding her I had been thinking as to whether her vision really might be true, or that it was due to some dissociative reaction of her mind to the situation, or maybe even just some residual effect of the tranquilizer. I mean, three little blonde girls, just like her cousins? I thought that was easy to explain psychologically. Yet I was fascinated with the thought it could genuinely be a near-death vision. No matter what I played along with it though.
She sat there massaging her arms and legs and asked, “So Melanie, how is everything supposed to work out? I am curious.” I shook my head and asked, “Gosh, you expect me to wear the pants in our relationship as well as always coming up with the solutions?” Then I asked, “So you really would have entertained a polyandrous or group marriage situation when Daniel was alive?” She said, “Sure, why not? At the time I would have had the best of both worlds in a sense, but that is if Daniel had been less a jerk!” I probed her more, “So what about now?” She laughed, “Nah, I would not want anyone but you now – I guess my days with men are through.”
I nodded my head and asked, “What about if Mark had lived and Daniel had not been in the picture?” She asked, “You mean hypothetically speaking? In those days I could have entertained the idea of Mark but not any more. If he were still around you would just have to keep really busy for both of us. So sure, if I never wound up neglected you I could have shared you with Mark. Why do you ask?”
I looked off into space and told her that perhaps her vision might have been rather prophetic after all. I then asked, “Remember with Bernie when you used the term ‘infinite possibilities?’” She replied, “Yes, I remember.” I continued, “Why not let me tell you a little more about Matt then. Are you up to going back to the car? I can help you over the rocks.” She complied and we both crawled out of the tomb. I swear it actually was like a re-birth for her. She remained quiet as we made our way to the car, her with her arm wrapped around my shoulder and trying to avoid putting too m
uch of her weight on her bare feet. I told her about how Matt and I got together, some of our adventures, and even meeting his family. She listened, only a few times saying “ouch” when she stepped on a sharp rock. Once we arrived I retrieved the bag with her clothes and said, “Well, say something Nicole!” She did not express a single word, not a sound as she pulled out her t-shirt and put in on. Then she burst out laughing and asked, “So Melanie, are you going to tell me what it was like? I mean the naughty stuff you know.” I smiled and opened her door and said, “Sure thing! Let’s drive into Eugene and find an all-nighter so we can eat. On the way I will tell you absolutely everything.”
Chapter 22
Growing up I had always felt like an outsider, more of an observer than a part of society. Perhaps this had given me power – the power to be able to live my life as I pleased without any real concern for social conventions or, especially, guilt for not conforming to some set of rules or expectations. I could see past the mere man-made laws so many people just assumed were “right” because of their own feelings of inferiority which ultimately gave them comfort – a false comfort based on the insane notion that the people who created the laws were in some way enlightened guardians who knew what was best for people living in their societies. Even social norms are seen by most as emanating from some superior source. One wonders what would happen to society if people suddenly, in mass, realized the utter absurdity they based their lives on. Maybe it was best if the vast majority of people kept living their assumptions, yet it was irritating that those who do transcend the mundane had to try to survive in this world based on foolishness.
Those thoughts were running through my mind that day in that sterile room – maybe in order to block out the fear that I was awaiting to confront. Then, slowly, the door opened. It was Nicole. She looked at me and asked how I was doing as she came in. Before sitting she turned and looked out the hall and then shut the door. I was so glad to see her. She came over and kissed me, lightly but with a sincerity that conveyed love and concern. I told her I was so happy to see her and she replied, “Hey, would I be a good wife if I were not here for you right now?”
We both laughed and she gave me a comforting embrace. I was anxious to find out the results of the protein tests, and if I would need to undergo amniocentesis to see if the twins I was carrying were indeed healthy. A previous test had shown elevated levels so here I was awaiting results for the blood sample he had taken an hour earlier.
Nicole assured me, “Don’t worry, I am sure everything will be okay.” as she took my hand. She sat up suddenly and said, “Oh, Melanie, Matt called while I was on the way here. His plane was delayed and so he will be late. Poor guy, he was really apologetic.” She raised my hand to see the wedding ring Matt had given me, “It is a beautiful ring but I like the one I picked better!” as she glanced towards my right hand at the ring she had chosen. I put my hand over her mouth and laughed, “Now no comparisons, we both agreed on that!” I then asked, “So, how have you been feeling today Nicole? I am sorry your morning sickness has been so rough.” She thanked me for my concern but commented, “It’s really unfair that you are the one with twins yet you hardly had any nausea in your first trimester while I’m throwing up almost every day.”
I looked around and gave Nicole another little kiss. She seemed in a sort of reflective mood as she asked, “Hey, do you think Matt suspects anything about us being more than just best friends?” I quipped, “No way, he is as much in the dark about that as he is about being the father of your baby.” She warned, “Quiet! Geez, don’t mention that unless you are sure nobody can hear! What if he ever finds out?” I guess she was right. I was not sure how Matt would feel about such a deception, even for a worthy cause. Little did he realize the night I had asked for Nicole to stay over had really been our little conspiracy to make Nicole’s “vision” come true. I was glad I had read that news article I had shared with Nicole at the nude beach. We proved it was possible to create a pregnancy without the guy being intimate with a woman in any sense, or even having any knowledge of the event.
I joked with Nicole, “You know, it might be much easier if I just subtly bring Matt around to the idea of two wives.” Nicole made a funny face at me and responded, “And you know how I feel about that – Matt is yours and you are mine. There is only one thing I need from him, and all that requires is at least two more movie nights in the next few years.” We both laughed. Life had worked out pretty good in everybody’s favor.
Again, Nicole’s perspective had changed on everything. For one thing, we passed by a young woman shortly after getting back from that night in the cave. She turned to me, “I really could never imagine killing someone who did not deserve it. I am sorry I ever suggested it, okay?” And just a while later we passed by a bunch of kindergarten kids and she pointed, “Look! They are so cute! I really want a baby.” I turned to her and asked, “Is it just because of your vision in the cave?” She sat back, thought a moment, and answered, “I am really not sure. Maybe what turned me against kids in the first place was a lack of faith in myself, and in any higher power. Seriously, I just can’t say for sure. I just have a different outlook, okay?” The look in her eyes that day conveyed a sincerely in her admission. I was beginning to believe that what she had experienced was real after all.
Speaking of the events surrounding what might have turned into a disaster of epic proportions, once we arrived in Eugene we spent the day in a hotel room just laying in bed. All we did was talk and cuddle – I of course thanking whatever higher power had been watching over us that I had not been successful in taking Nicole’s life. I shared my solution to the problem of relationship dynamics. The whole time I talked I sat on the bed and held her hand as she rested her head on her pillow. After I finished with my idea she rolled her eyes and said, “Nothing will ever be just average with you will it?” I shook my head and she squeezed my hand as she replied, “Okay, but you do realize that you will not have much time to rest.” I laughed and looked into her eyes, happy that she was willing to live in such a lifestyle. She then warned, “You know, as much as you have described him as unconventional, he’s probably still conservative at his core. If he finds out what you are and what you have done he might feel betrayed and dump you on the spot.” I crawled in next to Nicole and replied, “I know. It is going to be complicated.” She replied, “Yes it is. I mean, how are you going to explain away the times you are with me? I expect more than a part-time lover you know.” I sighed, “Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out – I always do.” The problem was that I did not have a solution unless I could convince him to stay in Salt Lake and I could commute back and forth. That did not seem realistic though.
That evening, I took Nicole to the fanciest restaurant I could find in Eugene. As we sat at a candlelight dinner, her ordering a glass of wine and of course me a soda, she made one little demand for our future. She insisted that we hold our marriage ceremony first – she believed that gave our relationship a stronger symbolic meaning. I felt that was fair as Nicole and I had known each other longer. The issue of how the sharing part was going to work out still perplexed me. Yet just as our dinner arrived I received a phone call from Matt. Nicole had a grin on her face as I excused myself to go into the lobby.
Matt said he had something to tell me. I was somewhat worried but any fears and worries immediately vanished when he said, “Melanie, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I have been trying to get this incredible position with an import-export firm based in Tokyo. And guess what, I got it! The bad news is that I will have to work two weeks per month in Tokyo and two weeks in Portland.” I replied, trying to hold back on sounding too enthusiastic, “That’s great! You do know that I have a lot going on in Portland though. You will be okay if you are alone in Tokyo?” He replied, “I sort of assumed that was what you would say. So you are okay with the arrangement?” I replied, “Of course! And I hope we can have a lot of fun with all the frequent flyer miles you will earn
.” He warned me that he would have to sign a five year contract. I told him to go ahead and make the commitment. At least I knew this would give me at least five years to not worry about living the double life I had envisioned.
When I returned to the table I informed Nicole of the news. She just shook her head and commented, “Someone is looking out for us Melanie. That is absolutely fantastic! I have to ask, where am I going to live the two weeks this Matt is in town?” I took her hand, “Don’t worry about that. I will have that all worked out.” The rest of the evening turned into a wild celebration. After the dinner we went to a dance club and had a wonderful evening. Nicole had a little too much to drink, but I did not touch any alcohol whatsoever. There were certain parts of my self-image that I wanted to maintain I suppose. Besides, I wanted to be fully sober to enjoy the time we would have after returning to the hotel room.
For the few weeks after that, Nicole and I worked on creating special white wedding gowns. The only interruption was a few days I took off to drive to Salt Lake City and meet the rest of Matt’s family. I really liked his parents and they liked me. They were both in their 80s and seemed to be really close – I wanted that to be the case for Matt and me. The super-traditional lifestyle I knew I would be living part of the time had a certain comfort and appeal, yet the knowledge that I was also going to be living something far detached from such convention gave me a comfort as well. I fully expected I could live in two worlds and enjoy the benefits of both. However, it was ironic as we all sat around the table at his parent’s house I wondered more about how these people would feel if they knew of my sexuality than if they found out how many people I had killed. Of course their other son had introduced me to this aspect of my life.
Melanie's Awakening Page 31
