Dissident

by Lisa Beeson

His brow furrowed as he contemplated her. “Do you not know what you are?”

  She would not let her uncle’s misguided assessment of her determine her worth. Her parents taught her to never be ashamed of who and what she was. She was a mix of two great races. She was her parents’ precious miracle child. She was not an abomination.

  Sennah jutted her chin and squared her shoulders as she had seen Rysura do earlier. There was no shame in who and what she was. “I am the daughter of T’leh sem Utyr, Magiri of Greater Emuria, and Lioran Jorek, a Lancer for the Thalcian Sovereign. I am the granddaughter of Bezahn sem Yula, the Daizan Consul in Esharet, and Q’teyah sem Utyr, Magira of Greater Emuria. By the grace of the High Sages, I am a student living in the Aethocyte temple of Nann. I strive to live true to the rhythms of the Great Song, and to better the quality of life of those around me. Anything else is inconsequential to the measure of my worth and the caliber of my character.”

  Vrahnon continued to glower down at her, though she caught a glimmer of respect in his eyes. “If that is so, then it should not matter what I think or feel about you.”

  “You are my mother’s half-brother. We are akin. What you think and feel will always matter to me, but it does not determine my worth.”

  He looked away from her eyes. “You do not speak like other young children.”

  Sennah had never been around any other young children to compare herself to. New acolytes devoted themselves to the temple right before they reached Maturity or shortly after. All she knew was that she spoke as the Sages did. Instead of explaining this, she simply said, “Because there is no other young child like me.”

  The barest hint of amusement curled at the corner of his mouth. “You are a fearless little thing, aren’t you?”

  “Not fearless, savan, just determined.”

  Despite his best efforts, his face broke into a small indulgent smile. “In spite of your …strangeness, I can see my sister in you. She used to be a precocious little thing too.”

  Sennah’s heart lightened, knowing that in his eyes she had graduated from an abomination to his sister’s strange-looking offspring. It was a small concession, but she accepted it gladly and smiled. It was progress. She also loved the fact that he thought she was like Malu.

  Sage Onryn swept into the garden with his long stride and flowing saffron robes. “There you are, Sennah,” he said in Common speech, appearing relieved to have found her. He then turned to Vrahnon in deference. “I beg forgiveness for the interruption, but it is past time for her lessons.” Preference for punctuality and strict routine were as particular to his people, as their willowy, elongated frames due to the low gravity of their home planet.

  Sennah made to go to him, but then caught herself and looked up to Vrahnon for his permission to end the conversation. She was disappointed to see that his demeanor had become guarded once again. He looked towards Sage Onryn then back down at Sennah and tilted his head in assent. She smiled up at him in gratitude then ran towards her beloved tutor. She practically flew down the stone path with the extra energy she had attained from consuming the manna fruit. When she came near to Sage Onryn, she reached up to take his pale, elongated hand with her tiny darker, golden one, and he led her out of the garden. She felt his fondness for her wrap around her heart like a soothing poultice, and she was grateful for his peaceful countenance after so much turmoil.

  As they walked, she couldn’t help thinking about Ruhk. Silently, her heart pleaded to the Great Song to help him adjust quickly to his new life.

  She also couldn’t help wondering if she would ever convince Vrahnon to teach her how to harness the energy of her xjaasa to use Tahrunai. Though she knew it to be deadly, it was also amazing and beautiful to behold.

  Everything in its time, she thought to herself. A phrase the Sages intoned whenever she became impatient.

  Everything in its time…

  Chapter 6

  It seemed like an eternity since anyone had come to check on Val. No food, no water, and no medical assistance; it seemed as though her captors had forgotten her and were leaving her to rot.

  The fiery knot burning in the empty pit of her stomach kept bringing her back to Rosa’s apartment. She was that small, hungry child again – helpless and frightened. The voices on the TV had been the only things keeping her from feeling completely alone. It was too quiet in this cement box of a room. The silence was closing in on her, never letting her forget how alone she was and that no one cared about her.

  Both her mind and her body were beyond exhausted. She had no concept of time. It could have been days, weeks, or merely hours since the last time someone came to check on her. The bright fluorescent lights were always on so it was hard to tell the passage of time. The only way she could tell that time was passing at all was her increasing thirst and pain settling in deep.

  Excruciating pain, starting behind her left eye, drilled through her brain to the back of her skull. The pain was so severe that it left her in a constant state of nausea. Thankfully, she had already vomited up all the contents of her stomach, so the retching had finally ceased. However, her mouth now felt stuffed with bitter tasting wool around her swelling tongue. Her left eye was completely swollen shut now and leaking rivulets of something gross and smelly into the stubble on the side of her head. The whole left side of her face felt like a hard, hot mask. Her fevered brain convinced itself that she could feel the toxic tendrils of infection snaking through her body. The air felt so cold. Maybe if she just had a blanket of some kind, she’d be able to warm up and find the sleep that continuously eluded her. She yearned for the relief of finally passing out and losing consciousness, but feared that she would never regain it again.

  Other than her shallow, rapid breaths and uncontrollable shivering, she tried not to move. She forced herself to breath with her belly instead of expanding her chest, because even the slightest movement to her ribcage caused pain to tear through her. But, the more she fought to stay still the worse the cramping and tightening in her muscles became. Her whole body had become a tightly coiled torture device.

  She hated her captors more than she hated anything in her entire life. And it was that spiteful, all-consuming hatred that kept her from giving up. She wouldn’t let them bury her. They didn’t deserve her death. She would overcome.

  This too shall pass… she managed to think through the haze of pain.

  The phrase had been written on a piece of paper that one of her roommates in the group home had taped up on the wall. The simple phrase had struck a chord with Val and had become a source of motivation. She liked the thought that no matter how bad things got, it wouldn’t last forever. It would pass, and she’d move on to something different, if not something better.

  When the teenage roommate had caught 10-year-old-Val staring at the paper one particularly bad day, she had said, “Have you ever heard the story about the mule and the well?”

  Young Val had grimaced and shaken her head. “It sounds stupid and boring.”

  The teen, unfazed by Val’s snarkiness, continued. “A nurse told it to me about a year ago and it really helped, so I’m gonna tell it to you.” She sat down on her bed and faced Val. “Okay, so one day this old mule fell into a deep dark well. It cried for hours, calling out for the farmer to come save him. The farmer eventually heard the mule’s cries and came to see what had happened. He pondered for a while on what to do. Finally, he figured that the mule was old, and it wasn’t worth the hassle of trying to get him out. He’d been planning on filling that old well anyway, so the farmer decided to just bury the mule down there and be done with it. He got a bunch of his friends to come over and help him, and they all grabbed a shovel and they started to bury the mule one spadesful at a time.

  “When the mule felt the dirt fall down on him he cried even harder because he realized that no one was going to help him. He could have given up and let the dirt cover him, but instead, he was wise. He stopped crying and made a plan. Every time the dirt fell on his back, he would shak
e it off and step up onto the rising mound of dirt. More and more dirt came down, and up and up he went, until the mound was high enough that he was able to jump out of the well on his own. He trotted off, leaving the shocked farmer far behind him.

  “You and I were unfortunate enough to be born at the bottom of the well,” the teen said with a fatalistic shrug. “The world will ignore our cries and try to bury us. It’s up to you to either accept that fate or overcome.” She pulled her sleeve up to show her scarred wrist. “I had to face the emptiness of death’s darkness to finally see the light of life’s potential. If it had ended that night, I would have missed out on the all the awesome people I’ve met since then, and all the amazing things I’ve yet to do.” She pointed to the stack of coding and computer programing textbooks on the floor beside her bed. “I’m gonna learn all I can so I can overcome. I’m gonna shake off the dirt and step my way out, you just watch.” She pulled her sleeve back down. “Nothing is permanent except for death. Remember that.”

  Val didn’t know what happened to that girl. She couldn’t even remember her name, but the story had stuck.

  Nothing is permanent… shake the dirt off and step up…

  “Val…” Diana’s static-y voice called out to her.

  The sudden sound made Val’s eye snap open as she jerked in panic, causing a sharp flare of pain to rip through her. Biting down the agony with a strained grunt, she angled her head to glare with her good eye towards the astral projection – focusing all her pent up anger, frustration, and fear at it. “What the hell do you want?” she croaked with a shout that flayed her throat raw, twinged her broken ribs, and tightened the vice of suffering around her skull. Her good eye immediately welled up and leaked fat tears as her lungs began to spasm in a coughing fit, spraying thick spittle from her mouth. She couldn’t catch a deep enough breath without it feeling as if she was tearing her lungs apart. The pain was unbearable.

  “Oh my God…” Diana said in disbelief.

  When Val finally managed to calm her breathing enough to focus on Diana’s wavering form through the throbbing pain, she nearly winced at the depth of horror and pity etched on the woman’s face.

  Val glanced down at the shelf and the floor to see the fresh bloody phlegm mixing with the old blood and vomit like a macabre version of a Jackson Pollock painting. She cursed repeatedly in her mind as her anxiety peaked.

  “Oh, Val,” Diana said, nearly weeping.

  “Stop,” Val mouthed, as she glared at Diana’s projection. She didn’t want this woman’s tears or pity. If someone else thought she was dying, it only legitimized her fears, making them a reality instead of something to dismiss as temporary.

  …Death is permanent.

  Diana nodded, controlling her emotions and becoming focused once more. “I am so sorry that I couldn’t come back to you earlier, but please listen,” she begged. “Something is happening that has them scared and scrambling. That’s the reason they haven’t come to you, they’re busy cleaning house. You have to be ready.”

  Val merely stared at the wavering apparition. It was hard enough to concentrate on what Diana was saying, let alone respond to such a ludicrous demand. Val had abandoned all her foolish dreams of escape and rescue attempts. She was now just trying to focus on surviving another day.

  “They might be distracted at the moment, but they won’t leave you this way, I promise. They need you too much. They need you on their side against whatever has them scared. They will use anything they can to turn you to their side. Don’t let them.”

  How dare this woman ask anything of her? Val was barely gripping onto life. How the hell, was she supposed to fight anything?

  “Some of my friends’ abilities aren’t as combative as yours. You’ll have to help them when the time comes.”

  “Time for what?” Val mouthed. Her throat was too raw and her breathing was too shallow to talk, and she was terrified of spurring on another coughing fit.

  “When we take this place down and get the hell out of here.”

  There was no possible way.

  “I’ll teach you how to bypass the pain of the chip so you can use your ability against them. Then we’ll steal one of their transports and watch the place burn as we leave it behind.”

  “Impossible,” Val mouthed. Every time the chip had shocked her, she had been zapped into a drooling mess. How would she even be able to think, let alone bypass that kind of pain above everything else?

  “It’s not impossible. It just takes time. You’ll have to practice disassociating yourself from the pain, which would help you right now anyway.”

  A respite from the pain she was feeling was extremely tempting. She didn’t trust the scum-sucking monsters to come back and help her, no matter what Diana said. But if it worked with what Val was already suffering, then she’d entertain thoughts of helping Diana with her dumb uprising. “Fine,” she mouthed.

  Diana smiled with relief. “Okay, good. First, you need to stop using all of your energy fighting against the pain. Pain is only your nervous system’s way of warning you that there’s been damage done to your body. You’ve been warned. Message received. It’s there. It is. Accept it.

  “Then, you need to take your focus away from the pain, visualizing it as something separate from your essential self and rise above it. Concentrate on the minutiae of something else. Like, breathing slowly in and out, or the exact feeling of your clothes against your skin, or how it feels to touch each of your individual fingertips against your thumbs. Anything, as long as you focus solely on that and deconstruct it to its minute stimuli.

  “Once you’ve disassociated yourself from the pain, then – and I know this is going to sound really dumb – but then, you go to a happy place in your mind.”

  What? Val rolled her good eye – or tried to, at least. Her vision was getting starry around the edges.

  “I told you it sounded dumb, but it works, I promise,” Diana insisted. “It can be a real place, or an imaginary place, or not even a place at all. It could be a feeling. Just… something, as long as it makes you happy or brings you peace and takes you away from everything else. It’ll be hard at first – really hard – but the more you do it the easier it will become. Then you’re golden.” Her astral projection began to flicker in and out again. “Just try, that’s all I ask,” she pleaded.

  Val was definitely skeptical about the whole thing, but she figured, what did she have to lose by trying to bypass the pain she was in now? She also distantly remembered hearing about some Tibetan monks being able to control their bodies to the point where they didn’t feel temperature or pain anymore. “I’ll try,” she mouthed.

  Diana’s look of pity turned into one of admiration. “You are the strongest person I have ever known, Val. Don’t lose hope.” Right before she flickered out of sight, she clasped her hands together as if begging Val to keep fighting.

  With her visitor gone, Val closed her eye, grateful for the relief of darkness, but mournful of being alone once more.

  Val did not feel strong – resilient maybe, but not strong. She was too broken and bitter to be strong. Strength was something for others to hold onto, to depend upon. Strength was being able to save someone from drowning without being pulled under with them.

  Life may have toughened Val up into a sinewy piece of leather, able to twist, turn, and bend to withstand whatever may come, but she had nothing for others to hold onto. She was too busy trying to keep her own head above water, fighting the undertow pulling at her feet, to worry about anyone else.

  Ari was someone with strength. Val was only someone with spiteful, obstinate will.

  Deciding to use that will for something productive, Val tried to do what Diana had instructed. Forcing her constricted muscles to relax, she stopped fighting against the pain and accepted it. Her body trembled with both suffering and relief.

  She tried to focus on moving her fingers to touch the tips of each one sequentially against her thumbs to disassociate from the pain. Counting ea
ch touch and tapping out a steady cadence, she concentrated on the feel of the friction of skin, the pressure, the release. It was hard to concentrate on the correct order of the numbers. But eventually, she was surprised that it was actually starting to work. She was able to hover just above the pain. But her grasp on it was tenuous at best.

  Val tried to think of something that brought her peace and happiness. There was not much to draw from that shallow well. Only a couple sparkling drops called out to her.

  Her mother had never been overly kind or nurturing, but she hadn’t always been completely neglectful. That wasn’t until crack became her poison of choice. But now, any memories of her mother were tainted by the knowledge that she’d been murdered by her father’s people – by the people who were imprisoning her now. So instead, Val tried to recapture how she felt when Ari had held her in her arms up in George’s greenhouse. Back to that feeling of solace and love flowing through her, healing her mentally and physically, making her feel whole and healthy for the first time in her life. Back to that perfect moment when she had been accepted completely and cared for unconditionally. She could almost smell the heady scent of the earth and plants of the greenhouse, and the sweet, exotic flower scent of Ari herself.

  You are worth loving… Ari’s voice echoed in Val’s mind.

  To survive this, Val would have to hold onto Ari’s imitable strength. She had healed Val not just once, but twice. She saved Liam when she didn’t even know him. Then, though she was drained and weak, she still went back into that hellhole to save more people from the demons.

  Ari was worth fighting for, so Val would fight. She would rise above the pain to be worth Ari’s sacrifice. She would step up and make sure these monsters would never get their hands on that beautiful soul. Val would help Diana take them down.

  After what felt like an eternity of agony and metaphysical alchemy, Val’s mind mercifully slid into unconsciousness.

  Chapter 7