A Thrill of Hope

by Marie Higgins

  “I’m sorry, Holly, but I don’t want to live in California.”

  Confusion filled her and she shook her head. “But I thought you wanted to be a doctor.”

  “I do, but I’ve decided I want to stay here in Montana.”

  Her heart ached and she folded her arms, trying to keep all the warmth from her body inside. “But... what if I don’t want to live here?”

  Sadness deepened on his face. He stuffed his hands into his coat pockets. “Then I guess that’s the answer I’ll have to accept.” His Adam’s apple jumped in his throat. “Yesterday, you told Katie that she’d find a man she wouldn’t have to change because they would want the same things in life.” He shrugged. “I suppose it’s my turn to take that advice. Although I’ve given you my heart, we don’t want the same kind of life. I’m a small town man, and you’re a big city girl. I want simple things in life, and you want the more complicated dreams only found in California.” His eyes watered. “Holly, we are just too different, just like Katie and I were. If I went with you to California, I would never truly be happy, and if you stayed here on the ranch with me, you would never truly be happy.”

  Emotion clogged her throat, making it difficult to swallow. Tears stung her eyes, and her heart wrenched with sorrow. She couldn’t be hearing this right. She’d just confessed to loving him, and now he wanted to let her go? “But... Rafe—”

  “You know I’m right.” His breath was uneven as he inhaled and exhaled slowly. “Holly, I’m sorry I’m not the right man for you, and that I don’t want the same things you do. But I don’t want to see you unhappy, so I’m letting you go. You’re free to return to California now.”

  He turned to leave, but she grasped his arm. “Rafe, you can’t mean this.”

  “Why? Did you lie when you said that to Katie?”

  “No, but—”

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about that. I had hoped you would want to live here in Montana, because I knew I wouldn’t fit in California.” He shrugged. “But since you want to live in California, that’s my answer. I don’t like it one bit, but I must accept it.” He caressed her cheek. “I’ll always love you, Holly Kidman, but I hope you find someone who wants the same dreams as you.”

  This time when he walked away, she didn’t stop him. She couldn’t because shock kept her legs locked. And her throat was too choked up to speak. Tears streamed down her face. She covered her hands over her face and cried, heart wrenching, sorrowful sobs as her heart tore into tiny pieces, knowing she would never find another man like Rafe Montgomery for as long as she lived.

  NINETEEN

  “Merry Christmas!”

  Holly sat curled up on the sofa in her mother’s house, wrapped in a blanket as she watched her sisters opening the gifts their mother had bought. Noelle, the oldest, laughed at something their mother said. Out of the three Kidman sisters, Noelle was the one who inherited their father’s auburn hair and natural curl. Ivy had brown straight hair like Holly.

  Cami, the adorable little one-year-old daughter of Noelle’s, sat on grandma’s lap as she ripped the paper off her present. The toddler was more interested in the wrapping than she was with the gift, itself.

  Holly grinned at her niece, but only for a moment. Her broken heart had left a permanent frown on her face.

  Once the presents were opened, Ivy went with her mother into the kitchen to start preparing the Christmas dinner. The ham had been cooking for a few hours now, and the whole house smelled delicious.

  Cami toddled toward the kitchen, taking one careful step after another. Noelle finished picking up the wrapping paper and stuffing it in a garbage bag. She stopped and looked at Holly.

  “You really need to get out of this slump, you know.”

  Holly shrugged. “I can’t. I love Rafe so much, but it’s hard to admit he’s right. We are completely different. He wants things in life that I don’t want.”

  Noelle shook her head. “Holly, when we were kids, you moved from one idea to the next. So why is this time so different? How do you know you don’t want the same things as Rafe unless you try them.”

  “I’m all grown up now, Elle.” Holly touched the tip of her finger to the corner of her moist eye. “I think by now I’d know what I wanted.”

  Her older sister arched an eyebrow. “Do you think you’re going to find a better guy in California?”

  “No. Rafe Montgomery is one in a million.”

  “And yet you are going to pick your career over him?”

  “That’s not the way it is—”

  “A career, let me remind you,” Noelle continued as if Holly hadn’t said anything, “that is going nowhere. Look how long you’ve been doing this, and yet you’re still at the same spot you were two years ago.”

  Holly gritted her teeth. Noelle didn’t understand. Nobody understood. It’s because they had never dreamed big. Noelle married the first man who popped the question, and Holly didn’t think her sister was truly in love. They rarely went anywhere together anymore, and even today – at a family Christmas party – he still wasn’t with his wife. However, Holly had to admit that her sister looked more at ease when he wasn’t around.

  “Do you realize how many women are out there, searching for the very thing you’ve already found? And yet, you act as though it’s not that important.”

  Huffing, Holly jumped off the sofa. “Don’t say that. Rafe was very important to me. I loved being around him. I loved the way he made me smile and laugh. I loved the way we communicated just with our gazes. Silence between us wasn’t even uncomfortable. I loved how he continued to encourage me and support me.”

  Noelle stood in front of Holly and nodded. “And yet, you’re still right here, and he’s at the ranch. Why don’t you go get him?”

  Closing her eyes, Holly ran her fingers through her hair. The headache she’d had since last night throbbed harder in her head. “Just stop, okay?” She looked at her sister. “I love him, and he loves me, but that doesn’t mean we should run off and get married like some people I know.”

  Noelle rolled her eyes. “I didn’t run off and get married.”

  “Yes, you did. You should have thought things out first, because I can promise you, if you had, you wouldn’t be standing here arguing with me on Christmas Day. You’d be with your husband, celebrating Christmas with your family.”

  Noelle glared. “This argument is not about me. It’s about you.”

  “Well, maybe it shouldn’t be about me.”

  Noelle threw up her hands. “I give up. There’s no talking to you when you’re too stubborn to listen to a word I’m saying.” She spun around and marched into the kitchen.

  Holly sank on the sofa and covered her hands over her face. Tears stung her eyes, but she held them back. She was sick of crying. She was tired of hurting. She wanted to be happy again. She wanted days like the one she and Rafe shared not too long ago.

  The doorbell rang, snapping her out of her thoughts. She wiped her eyes before answering the door. When she saw Rafe standing in front of her, she hitched a breath. Her heart quickened with excitement. It took all of her willpower not to fling herself in his arms and beg his forgiveness.

  “Merry Christmas,” he said solemnly.

  “Merry Christmas to you.” She smiled, even if it wasn’t fully. “Do you want to come in?”

  He nodded and stepped inside. He held a medium sized box. “I hope you don’t mind me dropping in on your family party, but I don’t know when you’ll be returning to California, so I thought I’d give this to you today.” He handed her the box.

  “Oh, Rafe.” Her heart flipped. “I-I didn’t expect...” She swallowed the lump of emotion growing in her throat.

  “I made it for you a week ago.”

  She sat the box on the sofa before moving to the Christmas tree. There was one present underneath – the one she’d bought for Rafe. It made her happy that she could finally give it to him.

  “Here. This is for you.” She handed him the box. />
  They sat on the sofa together, both holding their gift. He nodded toward the box in her hands. “You go first.”

  Her hands trembled as she tore off the giftwrap and bows. He’d fashioned his own cardboard box, so she peeled the tape off and opened it up. As the cardboard fell away, she rested her gaze on the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. Rafe had handmade the manger scene – the exact same one they’d built for the program.

  Tears filled her eyes and fell down her cheeks. “Oh, Rafe,” her voice choked. “This is absolutely beautiful. It’s... perfect.” She moved her gaze to him. “Just like you.”

  His Adam’s apple jumped a few times in his throat, and he cleared his voice. “I’m glad you like it.”

  “I’ll cherish it always.” She sniffed and wiped a tear sliding down her face. “Open yours.”

  He opened her gift and stared at it in silence. She’d found an exact replica of the same horse and sleigh that they’d gone riding in... where he’d confessed his love for her.

  He cleared his throat again and lifted his gaze to her. He smiled and nodded. “I love it. Every time I look at it, I’ll think of you... I’ll think of that day we spent together, acting like we didn’t have a care in the world.”

  His voice squeaked, which wrenched her heart. Liquid gathered in his eyes, but quickly disappeared.

  “Rafe,” she reached over and touched his hand, “I don’t like the way my heart is feeling right now.”

  He frowned. “What does it feel like?”

  “Like it’s ripping apart, slowly and very painfully. I... I feel like I can’t breathe, either.”

  He nodded. “I’m having a similar experience.”

  “Rafe, can’t we just try to work things out?” Another tear slid from her eye, but she didn’t try to stop it this time.

  “What do you want me to say, Holly?”

  “I want you to say yes.”

  “Okay, so I’ll say yes, and move to California with you. We’ll find us a place to live, and I’ll find me a position at a medical office. But I’ll only be doing it to please you. Overtime, I’ll resent you for it, because I’ll miss the ranch and miss living in a small town.”

  She shook her head. “What if it’s not like that at all? What if we’re so happy and in love, that it doesn’t matter where we live?”

  In a quick movement, he slid his gift off his lap and moved closer to her, taking her hands in his. “Then if it doesn’t matter to you where we live, why can’t we live at the ranch?”

  “But... aren’t you going to sell it?”

  “I don’t know. I’m having second thoughts. Timberland will always be home to me, and it’s your home, too.”

  Her nerves broke, and she fell against him, sobbing. Her heart continued to rip inside her chest. His arms wrapped around her, holding her to his chest. He stroked her hair softly. After a few moments, her body stopped shaking. She raised her head and looked up at him. Sadness coated his amazing brown eyes, which tugged on her heartstrings that much harder.

  “Holly, I love you. I know what I want to do with my life, but I don’t think you do.” He leaned closer and kissed her forehead. “I want you to go to California, and while you’re there, I want you to really think about what kind of life you really want.” Using his knuckles, he wiped the tears off her cheeks. “And if you decide you want to be with me, here in Timberland, then I’ll be here waiting.”

  He bent and kissed her mouth. She clung to his coat, not wanting to let go. Through the kiss, she tried to express her feelings, but he pulled away and stood. He picked up his gift, turned, and left the house.

  Crying, her heart finished breaking as she watched him drive away.

  RAFE STOOD NEXT TO the hearth, staring into the roaring fire. In his mind, he relived every moment he’d shared with Holly. He thought about every word, every touch, and especially, every kiss. He had her face memorized. He could close his eyes and still see the way she smiled at him when she was teasing, and when she was excited. He’d never forget the way her eyes twinkled whenever he’d made her happy – which was quite often.

  But most of all, he couldn’t stop thinking about how happy she made him. He’d felt so alive... and like a whole man. She made him feel so heroic. No other woman had done that. And no other woman made him feel like dying, knowing that she preferred California over him.

  After the incident with the sheep at the rehearsal, he’d been thinking long and hard about his career. He really didn’t want to sell his family’s home and land, and now he realized he didn’t have to. He could be a veterinarian. He’d be the first one in Timberland. And if that didn’t work out, then the town’s doctor was growing older and would soon retire. Rafe would take his place. That way, he could ranch, and on the side, be a doctor. The more he’d thought about this career path, the more excited he became... until he remembered that Holly wouldn’t be here with him.

  “Hey.” Blake walked into the living room and plopped down on a couch. “You need to pull yourself out of this, man. It’s been a month. I’m tired of seeing you like this.”

  Rafe briefly glanced at his cousin before returning his attention to the fire. “You’re finally talking to me without snapping?”

  Blake shrugged. “Yeah. I’m sorry I’ve been on edge.”

  “What have you been upset about?”

  “Luca.” He lifted his hands in surrender. “He’s my brother, and well... I really wanted him to find a woman, ya know. And when I could see that you had feelings for Holly, I knew Luca was going to have his heart stepped on by his own cousin. It didn’t sit well with me.”

  “What about now?”

  “Well, now I realized that I can’t fight all of Luca’s battles. It’s not worth it.”

  “True, but maybe if Luca wanted to live in California, Holly would fall in love with him.”

  Blake shook his head. “Man, you really need to get past this. You had your heart broken – life goes on.”

  Rafe scowled. “What do you know of heartache? You always break a woman’s heart before she breaks yours.”

  Blake chuckled. “You think I’ve never been hurt?”

  “Yeah, that’s what I think.” Rafe moved to his recliner chair and sat. “Since you and your brother have been living here with me, you’ve only been in relationships for a few months at a time. What do you know of true love?”

  Blowing out air between his lips, he scrubbed his face with his hands. “Yes. While we’ve been living at the ranch, that’s all I’ve done. But I was in college before that, you know... the same time you were getting a degree. You couldn’t possibly have known what happened during those years.”

  “And you fell in love?”

  Blake nodded. “I did.”

  “And she broke your heart?”

  “She did.”

  Rafe leaned back in his chair and tapped his fingers on the armrest. “Are you going to tell me about it?”

  “Only if I think you’ll believe me.”

  “Try me.”

  Blake folded his arms behind his neck as he scooted down in the couch. He kicked his legs up, hanging them over the armrest. “She wasn’t the first girl I went out with in college, but she was the only one who didn’t fall all over herself trying to get my attention.”

  Rafe rolled his eyes.

  “But that only made me want to date her more. When she finally said yes, it still took a few more tries before she would even kiss me. And when she did... fireworks exploded.”

  Rafe nodded, realizing that was exactly what he’d thought when he first kissed Holly in the prop room right before Thanksgiving.

  “We dated for over a year. I thought she was as much in love with me as I was with her.”

  “She wasn’t?” Rafe asked.

  “No. I was only in her life to keep her company until her fiancé came home from Afghanistan.”

  “He was in the army?”

  “Yeah. And of course, she picked her superhero fiancé over me.” Blake scrat
ched his mustache. “So there you go. Our situations aren’t very different, are they?”

  “I guess not. Forgive me for thinking you’d never had your heart broken.”

  “Apology accepted.” Blake narrowed his gaze on Rafe. “But now you need to pull out of it. Yeah, she broke your heart, but it’s not the end of the world. I didn’t think I could live without Phylis, either, but I’ve made it just fine.”

  Rafe stood and stretched his legs. “See, that’s the difference between us, cousin. You can live without Phylis, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. I want Holly and nobody else.”

  Blake shrugged. “Then go to California and get her.”

  Rafe straightened and lifted his chin. “Maybe I will.”

  “Then quit squawking like an old woman and go do it.”

  Hope sprang in Rafe’s chest. Was he making the right decision to go after her? His feelings hadn’t changed about California, but... he did not want to go one more day without her in his life.

  TWENTY

  Holly sat in a chair with a notepad in one hand, and a pencil in the other. She stared at the floor instead of paying attention to what Brian was talking about. He – along with the cast and crew of his new fantasy project – had gathered around a large table discussing the script. Unfortunately, Holly hadn’t heard a word. Not when her mind was focused on Rafe, and her heart was back in Montana.

  For a whole month now, she’d followed the same pattern. Every morning she met with Brian as they worked on getting those things needed for the film, and she returned home every night around six. After eating dinner, she worked on writing a screenplay. Of course, there was no way she could stop thinking about Rafe, since the screenplay was about meeting him and everything they’d gone through. Sadly enough, she couldn’t think of the perfect ending, because in real life, she wasn’t living happily ever after.

  When she’d first arrived in California after Christmas, she’d revised the screenplay of the Christmas program while it was still fresh in her mind. It didn’t take her long, and she sent it to one of the movie-producers she’d worked with earlier last year.