Golden Girls Forever

by Jim Colucci

  From the moment of Patrick’s arrival, the smitten Girls swoon, and vie for the chance to play Josie opposite Patrick’s Biff, “the drifter” in this Picnic-esque but unspecified play. During auditions, Dorothy ad-libs an extra kiss, while Blanche unveils giant new balloon breasts that unfortunately deflate during the scene’s tight embrace. Before long, Patrick announces that Phyllis has again landed the leading lady part, with all three Girls left among the group of “nonspeaking townspeople.” But Patrick has a special way of consoling Blanche, then Rose, then Dorothy—by promising each of them a secret date that night, at eight, ten, and midnight respectively.

  A week later, on opening night, the Girls realize they’ve literally all been had—and so has Phyllis. Their bickering spills out onto the stage, ultimately replacing the show’s hammy plot with much juicier accusations of Patrick’s real-life adultery. As the show’s improvised climax, the “townspeople” rise up as one, kicking Biff / Patrick out of their town / Miami for good, earning some hard-won applause.

  In her attempt to seduce visiting actor Patrick Vaughn (Lloyd Bochner), Blanche’s hopes deflate along with her boobs.

  Photo by GENE ARIAS /NBC/NBCU PHOTO BANK via GETTY IMAGES.

  Betty, Bea, and Rue in between rehearsal takes, with Janet Carroll as Phyllis Hammerow.

  Photo Courtesy of the EDWARD S. STEPHENSON ARCHIVE at the ART DIRECTORS GUILD.

  “Don’t you worry about a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.”

  —BLANCHE

  MORT NATHAN: This episode was a favorite of my partner Barry Fanaro’s and mine at the time, because it was silly, with lots of big gags, and because Lloyd Bochner and the ladies were all such great sports. We had a feeling that the ladies would like to do a show within a show, and they were great at it, at playing fumfering versions of themselves. Just like when Lucille Ball, who of course was one of the all-time greatest entertainers, would as Lucy Ricardo be asking, “Gee, how do I get into the show?” And of course the joke was that she was funnier than anybody—and better than Ricky. It’s the same thing when Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, and Betty White pretend here that they’re not talented. We get to be in on the joke, and that’s part of the fun.

  BETTY WHITE: This week was fun on the set, because we all liked Lloyd Bochner a lot, both onstage and off. I also remember this episode because when it came to dating, Rose didn’t go up against Blanche very often. Rose would tend to stumble into her relationships rather than actually going after them. That’s why it’s a surprise here that Rose’s affair with the actor builds the way it does and lasts, because usually by some point a man would get wise that Rose was even less bright than she seemed.

  EPISODE 48

  SON-IN-LAW DEAREST

  Written by: HARRIETT WEISS & PATT SHEA Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: APRIL 11, 1987

  Expecting a visit from her daughter, Kate (Deena Freeman), Dorothy can’t hold in the good news when Stan arrives: she thinks they may be about to become grandparents. But Kate’s announcement turns out to be far less exciting: she’s separated from cheating husband Dennis (Jonathan Perpich).

  Having gone through a similar breakup with Stan, Dorothy coaches Kate on staying strong. But later that night, Dennis begs Kate to hear him out and take him back. Dorothy is dismayed when the two do in fact reconcile, and she seeks counsel in Sophia. She reminds Dorothy of the night of her own first anniversary with Stan, when he missed their special dinner and arrived home without a present but with a lipstick stain on his collar.

  In the morning, as Kate and Dennis prepare to leave, Dorothy and Stan have a stern talk with their son-in-law on the lanai. Dennis professes love for his wife and vows never again to stray—and Dorothy intends to keep her surgeon son-in-law to that promise, or she’ll break every bone in his hand.

  COMMENTARY: This episode, written by two women, certainly gives us an insight into the Girls’ sex lives. We learn that Rose fooled around with her late husband, Charlie, every night from seven to midnight, and from five to seven each morning—and until noon on Sundays; no wonder the man died in the sack! We’re even privy to one of Sophia’s sexual fantasies, as she recounts her dream of being held captive on a desert island by Cesar Romero in a loincloth. (Luckily for Sophia, dreams do come true. See season six, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun . . . Before They Die.”)

  Writers Patt Shea and Harriett Weiss had gotten their start on All in the Family, at a time when, Patt notes, “Women were just breaking into comedy, and some of the old-timer men who worked on shows thought, ‘Women can’t be comedy writers.’” But when the series’ star Jean Stapleton pressured the network to bring in a few females to provide an authentic voice for her character, the distaff duo got their big break.

  Patt and Harriett’s script brings back the character of Dorothy’s daughter, Kate, with Deena Freeman and Jonathan Perpich replacing Lisa Jane Persky and Dennis Drake, who had played the roles in season one. Deena was previously best known for her recurring role in 1981– 82 as April Rush, niece of Ted Knight’s Henry on ABC’s Too Close for Comfort, and now appears on HBO’s Togetherness.

  Dorothy and Stan (Herb Edelman) fret over the troubled marriage of their visiting daughter, Kate (Deena Freeman).

  Photo by CHRIS HASTON/NBC/NBCU PHOTO BANK via GETTY IMAGES.

  PATT SHEA: When The Golden Girls started, I had thought Harriett and I would be perfect as writers for the show, because we were about the same age as the characters, and so the show would be about stuff we know.

  We had just done a stint on Cagney and Lacey when our agent got us the opportunity to write a Golden Girls episode. As we started to think of stories to pitch to the producers, we knew that Dorothy had a daughter, and so Harriett told me about something that had happened in her own family, and I thought it was perfect. Harriett’s daughter and son-in-law had gotten into an argument, and as Harriett took her daughter’s side, she said some things about her son-in-law that she probably shouldn’t have. Then, when the couple got back together, Harriett’s daughter was furious with her. It was a real and funny story, and one that I’m sure happens to lots of mothers and daughters.

  LUCY AND THE GIRLS

  THE B PLOT of “Son-in-Law Dearest” references I Love Lucy, that other TV classic that keeps attracting new fans, generation after generation. But that wasn’t the only link that the Girls had to Lucy and to its star, Lucille Ball. In the Golden Girls’ first season, its producers had looked to Lucy to guest star in “Blind Ambitions” as Rose’s sister Lily, the role that ultimately went to Polly Holliday. Although she and husband Gary Morton were big fans of the show, Lucy had declined, citing impending dental surgery. There was also a second reason, her longtime friend and assistant Tom Watson reveals, why the comedy legend had decided to pass. Having just starred as a homeless woman in the gritty CBS TV movie Stone Pillow, Lucy wanted her next project to be funny, to satisfy her scores of fans. “Lucy was afraid that having her name on the ‘marquee’ alongside those of Bea Arthur and Betty White, audiences would expect a delightful laughfest,” Tom explains. And unfortunately, the role of Rose’s blind sister “was anything but sidesplittingly funny.”

  The Golden Girls’ producers understood, offering to find another way to work the redhead onto Richmond Street—but, admits executive producer Mort Nathan, “for whatever reason, probably scheduling, we never did.” But they did stay in touch, Tom reveals. When they cooked up their Lucy-marathon plot line for “Son-in-Law Dearest,” the show’s writers sent a delighted Lucy a script to peruse in advance. And earlier that same season, as she prepared to launch her final sitcom, ABC’s short-lived 1986 Life with Lucy, the legendary comedienne—who with her famous husband Desi Arnaz had literally invented many aspects of the multicamera sitcom format in the early 1950s—thought it might be wise to check in to see how things were being done in the eighties. And so, on the night of August 29, 1986, Lucy bestowed on the Girls the sitcom equivalent of a Papal visit. During the taping of the epi
sode “Joust Between Friends,” to air in season two, “she sat in the audience and laughed her head off,” Mort remembers.

  Lucy—who had been Bea Arthur’s costar in the 1974 film Mame and friends with Betty White since 1957, when Betty filmed her sitcom Date with the Angels at Lucy’s studio, Desilu—had a great time, Mort remembers. “It was interesting to see them all side by side. And that night, the thought crossed my mind: ‘I wonder if they could have asked Lucy to be one of these ladies?’ But for whatever reason, they hadn’t. Who knows what might have been, or if it would have worked. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Lucy had her place in TV history, and our ladies had theirs.”

  EPISODE 49

  TO CATCH A NEIGHBOR

  Written by: RUSSELL MARCUS Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: MAY 2, 1987

  Sophia, Rose, and Blanche at the hospital bedside of injured young officer Bobby Hopkins (George Clooney).

  Photo by RON TOM/NBC/NBCU PHOTO BANK via GETTY IMAGES.

  As the Girls clean up from hosting their new next-door neighbors for dinner, two police detectives—the TV-typical old man /cute young rookie combo—arrive with upsetting news: the seemingly ordinary McDowells are actually dealers in stolen gems. After some debate, the Girls not only allow Detective Al Mullins (Joseph Campanella) and his young associate Bobby Hopkins (George Clooney) to stay for a stakeout, but even agree to a secret mission to plant a bug in the McDowells’ home. Ultimately, the sting goes awry, and Bobby is shot—but ends up with four doting grandmother figures to tuck him in as he recuperates.

  “Detective Mullins, I am Blanche Devereaux, and these are my roommates Dorothy and Rose. They’re innocent. I’m not.”

  —BLANCHE

  COMMENTARY: Before he was ER’s Dr. Douglas Ross or Booker on Roseanne, and just as he finished a career-building stint as handyman George on The Facts of Life, silver fox George Clooney was a dark-haired young Miami cop.

  It’s apparently a gig the movie megastar looks back on fondly. At the Screen Actors Guild Awards ceremony in 2010, George stepped onstage as a presenter shortly after Betty White had accepted a Life Achievement Award, with a speech mentioning costars she’d “had.”

  “In 1987, I did an episode of The Golden Girls, and I would like to thank Betty White for her discretion,” George joked. He added, “A friend of mine told me she was a bobcat in the sack.”

  RUSSELL MARCUS: The story idea for this episode was conceived by Tony Thomas and Paul Witt. This was to be the last regular episode of the second season, other than a wraparound show and the first attempt at an “Empty Nest” pilot, and sometimes at a point like that, as writers, you want to test the boundaries of your show a little bit. The Golden Girls wasn’t normally the kind of show that would have a gunshot in it, but I think that at this point, Paul, Tony, and Susan Harris wanted to get serious and dramatic for a moment, to show that we could.

  RUE McCLANAHAN: At this point, George Clooney was totally unknown and very young. He must have been all of twenty-five, and he was so good—and so gorgeous! I said, “This guy’s got it all. He’s going to have a big career.”

  TERRY HUGHES: I’ve told this story before: even a little after this period, when I’d be involved in casting a pilot, I remember people running through all the actors who were available, and then closing the door and saying, “Well, worse comes to worst, there is always George Clooney.” That’s where his career was at the time. I think that’s a great inspirational story for people!

  BARRY FANARO: I’ll always remember the story about how we cast George Clooney. We got a call from his agent, who said, “You guys know George, right?” At the time, he’d been kicking around sitcoms, but hadn’t worked in a while. So the agent asked us, “Would you guys consider putting George Clooney in an episode, so he can maintain his medical insurance?”

  I’d never worked with George before, and he couldn’t have been nicer. And now, when we see him in something, I get to joke with my kids, “If not for me and the insurance he needed, that guy would not be the George Clooney! So let George Clooney know it’s because of Barry Fanaro he’s a superstar. He couldn’t have done it without us on The Golden Girls.”

  EPISODE 50

  A PIECE OF CAKE

  Written by: KATHY SPEER, TERRY GROSSMAN, BARRY FANARO, & MORT NATHAN Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: MAY 9, 1987

  As the Girls plan what’s actually a surprise party for Blanche, they reminisce about parties past. In one vignette, Rose surprises Dorothy with a birthday soiree—at Mr. HaHa’s Hot Dog Hacienda, complete with screaming kids and one obsequious clown (Alan Blumenfeld). In a second story, Rose remembers the last cake she would ever bake in St. Olaf, as she pretends that her recently departed husband, Charlie, is throwing her a birthday party; speaking to him out loud, she breaks the news that she’s selling the house and moving to Miami. And Sophia harks back to Brooklyn in April 1956, to a celebration with her husband, Sal (Sid Melton, 1917– 2011), and young Dorothy (Lyn Greene), where she finds out that due to an error in her birth certificate, she is actually turning fifty instead of forty-eight.

  In the final vignette, soon after moving in together, the Girls throw a surprise shindig for Blanche—who comes home already infuriated about the birthday party coworkers had thrown for her at the office. To make things worse, Sophia, who has shown up unexpectedly from Shady Pines, tips Blanche off that there are hordes of partygoers awaiting her on the lanai. Blanche is relieved when Dorothy and Rose promise to send everyone home—until she gets a glimpse of just who her guests have turned out to be. In compiling the guest list, Rose has invited an all-male cadre from Blanche’s little black book, inadvertently turning the night into one of Blanche’s happiest occasions.

  COMMENTARY: This episode introduces the two beloved recurring characters of Sophia’s husband, Salvadore Petrillo (face hidden entirely under a newspaper), and their young daughter Dorothy, both seen only in flashbacks. A bit of trivia: the other birthday kids called onstage alongside Dorothy at Mr. HaHa’s, Bobby Spina and Jeannie Taylor, are named for two members of the Golden Girls crew.

  BETTY WHITE: I loved doing this episode, where Rose puts on the birthday party for Charles. It hadn’t been that long since I’d lost [my husband] Allen [Ludden], and so I just let it all hang out. As I set everything out for the party, that’s as close to Betty as Rose ever came. Here, Rose wasn’t just putting a party together; she was doing something that she emotionally needed to do, and she believed she was talking to him. To do something like that, I had to draw from genuine emotion. You couldn’t fake that. So in my head, absolutely, I was making that party for Allen, not Charlie.

  Rose’s kitchen at home in St. Olaf.

  Photo courtesy of the EDWARD S. STEPHENSON ARCHIVE at the ART DIRECTORS GUILD.

  ROBERT SPINA (production associate): I loved all the episodes with Lyn Greene and Sid Melton, where Estelle had the opportunity to play her own age. Anything that had to do with the history of these women was something I got a kick out of, however brief the scenes. And Lyn Greene’s performance was remarkable. It could have gone the wrong way and become a caricature. But Lyn got it right, and did it with respect. As a result, Bea was absolutely on board, and I know that meant a lot to Lyn.

  TERRY GROSSMAN: Sid Melton, who’d worked with Danny Thomas on Make Room For Daddy, auditioned for the role of Sal, and we cast him—and then Tony Thomas came in and said, “I know it’s Uncle Sid, but you don’t have to do this.” The thing is he was good, particularly playing a shleppy old man from Brooklyn.

  Estelle and Sid and Lyn Greene were great together, and the flashback scenes really worked. But when Tony would watch the run-through, he would always come over to me and say, “I’m paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for the Golden Girls. Do you see the Golden Girls?” I got what he meant. The scenes in Brooklyn were nice, but where were the ladies? Let’s see the real Bea Arthur!

  Estelle loved looking younger in flashback episodes, like here in Season 3’s “Moth
er’s Day.”

  Photo by WAYNE WILLIAMS.

  “After eighty, every year without a headstone is a milestone.”

  —SOPHIA

  LYN GREENE: My friend Lonny Price, the actor and director, is a friend of The Golden Girls producers Terry Grossman and Kathy Speer. Lonny always felt that they should see me, because I reminded him so much of Bea Arthur. Then, at one point, the show was auditioning for an actress to play Dorothy’s daughter.

  I immediately wanted to audition, but honestly when I got the sides and read the lines, I was disappointed because the daughter wasn’t really like Dorothy, but just kind of generic. Nevertheless, when Lonny physically pushed me into the room for the audition, I decided to read the character not as the ingénue, like it was written, but as a young version of Dorothy.

  I did my idea of a young Bea Arthur—and nobody moved or said anything. It was horrible. I was so eager to be like Bea, because she was my idol. One of my earliest roles in theater had been Lucy Brown in Threepenny Opera, the role she originated in New York. So my audition was really an homage to her, and when there was no response at all, I was crestfallen. I neither smoked nor drank at the time, but when I went out for sushi with friends that night, I belted back some sake and lit up a cigarette. Looking back, I was not as upset about not getting the part as I was about missing out on the chance to let my idol Bea Arthur know how much I admired her.

  The part was supposed to be this young, effervescent girl, and I’d played her as mature, deep-voiced, and acerbic. I was convinced I’d embarrassed myself, and I hated Lonny for his terrible idea of having me audition. But then, it wasn’t long after that that Lonny called and told me the producers had asked him, “Where did you find her?”