Golden Girls Forever

by Jim Colucci

  EPISODE 97

  HIGH ANXIETY

  Written by: MARTIN WEISS & ROBERT BRUCE Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: MARCH 25, 1989

  After Sophia accidentally knocks Rose’s bottle of pills into the sink, the Girls realize that Rose is unable to live without the pain killers she has been taking—for thirty years! Rose resents the Girls’ implication that she may be addicted, and hands the bottle to Dorothy for safekeeping. But then, in the middle of the night, Rose awakens all her roommates as she breaks a vase while rummaging through the kitchen cabinets in need of a fix. Even after admitting she has a problem, Rose is too embarrassed to consider getting help.

  Rose initially persuades them to help her quit cold turkey, keeping her comfortable through the night. They play spirited rounds of the world’s stupidest game, Googenspritzer, which is much like Monopoly, except using St. Olaf’s geography; they wolf down some Bundt cake. Finally, at sunup, Rose is encouraged that she made it through the night. But soon, of course, she does fall off the wagon, taking another pill. So Rose makes the call to a rehab center herself, and one month later, she’s back home, prepared to live her life drug-free, one day at a time.

  Meanwhile, after striking up a conversation with a man at the Little Slice of Sicily pizzeria at the mall, Sophia comes home with an offer from the chain’s owner to appear in its new TV commercial. While scouting locations, director Sy Ferber (Jay Thomas) comes to the house, meets Dorothy, and comes up with an even better idea: for the mother/daughter duo to appear together in the spots for the family restaurant chain.

  When the cameras roll, Sophia is a natural, but Dorothy is unnaturally stiff. Worse yet, upset by the spot’s grammar, the English teacher starts rewriting her lines. So Sy makes a change of his own, recasting Dorothy as a nonspeaking pizza server. But ultimately, it’s Sophia who spoils the deal, after tasting the product she derides as “slime on a shingle.” Declaring that Sicilians are unable to do two things—lie about pizza, and file a tax return—she storms off, sacrificing the big payday.

  COMMENTARY: With this episode, The Golden Girls shines some light on a problem that is still prevalent today, dependence on opioids and benzodiazepines originally prescribed legitimately as pain-killers. It’s strange, though, that at this point, four seasons in, no one among Rose’s pals and confidantes has noticed that the woman is addicted to her pills. Luckily, she’s able to kick the habit quickly; and even though she professes the twelve-step motto of “one day at a time,” Rose is apparently able to control her cravings so permanently that we never hear about her problem again.

  Dorothy’s fixation on the grammatical errors in her pizza commercial lines was gleaned from real life; as writer Gail Parent reveals, both Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty were perfectionists about proper speech. “Sometimes a line might have a grammatical error in it, especially if we had thought it might be funnier that way. But in Bea’s and Estelle’s heads, it would then seem hard to say,” Gail explains. “Luckily, there’s always another way to do the line.”

  ROBERT BRUCE: Marty and I had written this same addiction episode for The Ellen Burstyn Show in 1986. The show was so short-lived on ABC I don’t think anybody ever saw the episode. I don’t even remember if it aired. In fact, the funny thing was the character we wrote the storyline for was Ellen’s mother, played by Elaine Stritch. And after the table read, she came up to us and said, “You’ve got me sounding like one of the goddamn Golden Girls here!”

  We thought it was a shame to let a funny episode go to waste. So we thought, why not do the episode again on The Golden Girls? I think in the back of our heads we were even hoping we’d get some award for spreading an antidrug message. Of course, the way Rose suddenly has a drug problem, and then just as suddenly gets over it, the episode ended up not being very realistic.

  JAY THOMAS: At this point, I’d done a lot of sitcoms, and I always work the same way; in rehearsals, I might throw out an ad-libbed line. Not to rewrite the script, but if I thought of something, I might try it. But ironically, on The Golden Girls, as I was rehearsing one of the pizzeria scenes with Bea and Estelle, I transposed two words, but completely by accident. It had truly been a mistake—but it got a laugh. So of course, I was happy, and made a mental note: “Oh, that got a laugh!” But it seemed like I’d thrown a line, and I could see the muscles in Bea Arthur’s cheek begin to grind.

  It was only the first day of rehearsal, so I really thought nothing of it. But then Estelle Getty came over to me later and said, “Boy, you’re a brave one!” She told me Bea doesn’t like ad-libs, and I’d better be careful. I already knew Betty White a little bit and loved her, and from that moment on, I ended up making friends with Estelle that week, too. We would hang out between scenes.

  “There are two things a Sicilian won’t do: lie about pizza, and file a tax return!”

  —SOPHIA

  So then the night of the taping comes, and I knew I wanted to do the line the transposed way again. The producers could end up cutting it, of course, but if a line gets a laugh, I’ve never known a show that wouldn’t let you at least try it. And sure enough, when I said the line, it got a pretty decent-sized laugh. And I tell you, those muscles in Bea’s cheek really started grinding, and she got a derisive look on her face. Between takes, Estelle said to me, “You are either really stupid, or really brave.”

  But I could see I’d really pissed Bea off.

  EPISODE 98

  LITTLE SISTER

  Written by: CHRISTOPHER LLOYD Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: APRIL 1, 1989

  On the eve of a visit, Rose confesses to the Girls that she and her little sister, Holly (Inga Swenson), have never gotten along. From Rose’s description of the woman, Blanche and Dorothy are prepared to meet a green-eyed monster, but instead are delighted as the outgoing Holly invites them to dinner, and the movies, and to other outings—but each time, neglecting to inform Rose of their whereabouts, and once, even giving her false directions to lunch. Rose insists that Holly’s neglect is deliberate, born just like in their childhood out of envy and spite, but her friends refuse to believe her.

  Only Sophia is willing to give credence to Rose’s claims that not only did Blanche’s boyfriend, prominent mortician Gary Tucker (Jerry Hardin), come on to her, but he also had a make-out session on the couch with Holly. But when horny Gary finally does get caught with Holly, literally with his pants down, it’s time for Rose and her sister to have a talk. Holly admits to being jealous of Rose’s ability to have and keep friends. So Rose sends her sister packing, but with the hopes that someday they might be able to become not just siblings, but friends themselves.

  Meanwhile, after Sophia agrees to dog sit for the vacationing Westons, she notices only days later that the pooch has gotten loose. Panicked, Sophia goes out and buys a doggie double—but then is in double-trouble when the real Dreyfuss returns. With the pet shop closed for the weekend, Sophia is stuck with two identical pooches, inevitably unable to tell them apart. Luckily, it’s dog-loving Rose to the rescue, resorting to the characteristically simple tactic of calling the dog by name.

  “No, Dorothy, she plays the flout. It’s a Scandinavian instrument that looks like a tuba except it’s got hair on the bottom.”

  —ROSE

  COMMENTARY: Nebraska native Inga Swenson is best known to TV audiences for playing the high-strung German cook Gretchen Kraus on Witt/Thomas/Harris’ earlier sitcom hit, Benson. Prolific stage, TV, and film actor Jerry Hardin must have had great chemistry with Rue McClanahan, because this episode marks his second Golden Girls appearance, both times in Blanche storylines. In the show’s first season, in “Adult Education,” he’s the sleazy professor who tries to coerce Blanche into bed; here, he’s the sleazy boyfriend who hits on Blanche’s friend and houseguest.

  Finally, after making his first crossover cameo earlier in the season in “Bang the Drum, Stanley,” one of the series’ most beloved recurring characters reappears here. Playing Empty Nest neighbor Dr. Harry Weston
’s dog, Dreyfuss, animal actor Bear was, according to his trainer, Joel Silverman, a mix of purebred St. Bernard (mother) and Golden Retriever (father). Ironically, echoing the theme of the episode’s A plot, Bear appears here with his faster, cross-eyed brother Julio, his occasional Empty Nest stand-in with whom he did not get along.

  CHRISTOPHER LLOYD: At this point it was already getting harder and harder to find ways to put the Girls in conflict with each other. I’m sure the idea for this episode started with us needing a Rose story, and then saying, “Is there a relative of hers we haven’t seen?” So we came up with her younger sister, and this All About Eve–like situation, where there would be conflict with the sister, but an even greater conflict with her roommates, who won’t believe or trust Rose’s instincts.

  INGA SWENSON: As I had learned doing Benson, when you’re a nuclear family on a sitcom like those four ladies were, you have a lot of work to do, learning a new script every week—if not every night, because the writers change it every day. So you don’t have time for socializing or chatting with strangers on the set. Doing The Golden Girls, I had the same expectations—as the guest star, I didn’t expect anyone to hang out with me. In fact, the hair and makeup people were so busy with the four stars that I ended up doing all of that for myself.

  But one great thing was that that week, there were the two dogs on the set. With animal actors, you can’t really go up and pet them or interact much, because only the trainer is allowed. But because Betty White is such an animal person, I ended up having a nice conversation with her about dogs.

  JERRY HARDIN: Sometimes guest stars can be made to feel like outsiders, but I never felt that on The Golden Girls. Rue was wonderful to work with, and Betty too. Bea was more reserved, and didn’t chitchat a lot. But Estelle did, joking around while we were waiting for setups between scenes. And I found her to be the funniest of the ladies in real life.

  Sophia and Rose debate about busting Lillian (Ellen Albertini Dow) out of Sunny Pastures.

  Photo by CHRIS HASTON/NBCU PHOTO BANK via GETTY IMAGES.

  EPISODE 99

  SOPHIA’S CHOICE

  Written by: RICHARD VACZY & TRACY GAMBLE Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: APRIL 15, 1989

  After receiving a big bonus check at work, Blanche decides to have her breasts enlarged. After consulting Dr. Myron Rosenzweig, she brings home a stack of post-op photos as samples of the work done by “the Picasso of plastic surgeons.”

  Meanwhile, Sophia returns from attempting to visit her friend Lillian (Ellen Albertini Dow, 1913-2015) at Shady Pines, only to find out that the woman has been transferred to an even worse facility, Sunny Pastures. So Sophia decides to “adopt” Lillian, vowing to visit her frequently. But when she and Rose later pay one such visit, Sophia has a surprise: she’s decided to bust Lillian out and take her home.

  But it turns out that even if Sunny Pastures does offer subpar services, there’s a reason why Lillian needed nursing-home care. The woman is forgetful and frightened, and tending to her is exhausting. Vowing to force Sunny Pastures to do its job properly, Dorothy and Sophia meet with its overworked administrator (Ron Orbach) to lodge their complaints—and are surprised when he doesn’t put up an argument. The entire U.S. eldercare system, he complains, is broken and underfunded.

  Just as Dorothy and Sophia return home depressed, Rose enters with what she thinks is good news: she has found a better, more caring nursing home for Lillian. Just one small problem: Lillian’s social security benefits will come up $150 per month short. Dorothy despairs, but Blanche has a noble idea, to spend the money she had earmarked for her breasts on helping Lillian instead.

  COMMENTARY: This episode is an example of what The Golden Girls did so well, bringing attention to a social issue like the high cost of eldercare. Playing Sunny Pastures chief Dan Cummings, actor Ron Orbach is the cousin of the late Jerry Orbach, who would appear in the show’s fifth-season episode “Cheaters,” playing Dorothy’s married lover Glen O’Brien. And one final story note: at one point here, Blanche says that there were no nursing homes in the South, at least when she was growing up. But they must have cropped up in her adult years, because in the season-three episode “Mother’s Day,” we see her visiting with her own elderly mother in such a facility.

  RICHARD VACZY: For my writing partner, Tracy, and me, this episode saved our asses. We were new to the show, and had written a few scripts that hadn’t gone over well. This was our third try, and we knew if it didn’t work, we would be out. At the table read that Monday morning, we were really nervous. Now I look back at this as the moment where we came into our own as writers on The Golden Girls, because we hooked in to something that was organic to the show, to the struggles associated with aging. I’m really proud of this episode, especially because it had a relative lack of jokiness and was somewhat moving.

  My grandmother had died of Alzheimer’s in 1988. For this episode, I drew on my memories of visiting her, and wanting so much to get her out of there, but knowing I couldn’t. But we wanted to see what would happen for someone like Sophia to act on the impulse to help her friend, and do something she probably knew she shouldn’t.

  For the B plot, the story about Blanche considering a boob job was perfect because we were otherwise dealing with such serious story matter it was a relief to balance it with something really frivolous. And I love the moment when Dorothy is leaving the living room, which is covered with photos of breasts. And she remarks that no matter where you go, it’s like they follow you everywhere.

  ELLEN ALBERTINI DOW: When I got this part, I was really excited, because it was at the beginning of my TV career, and this was a major role. At that time, I knew no one with Alzheimer’s disease. I do now, because I had a very dear friend die of it. So at that time, I didn’t find it depressing to play someone with the disease; now I probably would. But then, to me, it was just another way of playing a character.

  Working with the director Terry Hughes was wonderful. I did have some funny lines, like when I insulted Blanche about her bosom. But at other moments, Terry would let me know if I was in danger of getting too sad. “Now that’s enough, Ellen.”

  The episode went great, and with all the laughter and applause, I felt higher than a kite. After the taping, Rue McClanahan came over to me and told me I had been the best guest they’d had. She asked me if I was alone, and I told her I was married. She said, “I’m so glad. In this business, you have to have someone to go home to.” I’ll always remember her for that, for showing me warmth that you don’t get often as a guest.

  EPISODE 100

  FOREIGN EXCHANGE

  Written by: SANDY & HARRIET B. HELBERG Directed by: TERRY HUGHES Original airdate: MAY 6, 1989

  Sophia’s friends Philomena and Dominic Bosco (Nan Martin, 1927–2010, and Vito Scotti, 1918–96) visit from Sicily, bearing a surprise: they believe they are Dorothy’s true parents. Their hospital mix-up theory, arising from the results of their daughter Gina’s (Flo DiRe) premarital blood test, makes sense: the two women were born within minutes of each other in the same Brooklyn facility, and Dorothy certainly bears more resemblance to tall Philomena than she does to short Sophia. When Gina then comes to the door, it’s even more eerie; she’s a junior version of Sophia.

  When the Boscos start doting on Dorothy, Sophia has finally had enough, vowing to take a blood test of her own. At the hospital, Sophia calms her daughter’s fears, reminding her of the emotional bond they share with a remarkably on-point reminiscence about Dorothy’s first day of school. Moments later, when the test results come back, Sophia rips up the readout without even a glance. Luckily, back at home the Boscos have come to the same conclusion, and so they depart with their devoted Gina on a boat back to Italy.

  Meanwhile, Blanche convinces Rose to join her in taking lessons in “dirty dancing,” as popularized by the hit film. But to everyone’s shock, Blanche stinks at this latest craze, while Rose turns out to be a natural.

  COMMENTARY: This episode is especi
ally memorable for two fan-favorite visuals, of Dorothy and Sophia each matched with more size-appropriate possible relations, and of Blanche and Rose in the living room, locked in their dirty dancing embrace. It’s also noteworthy because of its behind-the-scenes relationship to another sitcom; writers Sandy and Harriet Helberg are the real-life parents of The Big Bang Theory star Simon Helberg, a.k.a. Wolowitz.

  FLO DIRE: When my agent told me about the audition to play Gina, I thought back to a story I’d heard about Estelle’s audition for the role of Sophia. And later, when I was on the set with Estelle, she told me it was true. Estelle had red hair at the time, but she sprayed it gray, and showed up dressed as a little old lady, to the point where they didn’t recognize her. But they loved the look.

  Sophia meets Gina (Flo DiRe), who certainly seems like she’s her natural-born daughter.

  Photo by JOSEPH DEL VALLE/NBCU PHOTO BANK via GETTY IMAGES.

  I decided to use the same tactic. I copied everything I’d noticed about Estelle. I knew that the joke in the show would happen so fast, of Gina being just like Sophia when she comes to the door, that there had to be a very strong physical resemblance. I’m also very short, so that worked. And like Estelle had done, I went shopping at antiques stores and found a wonderful cardigan, glasses with a chain like Sophia’s, and even a purse much like the one she always carried on her arm.