by Cee, DW
The best decision I could make at this point would be to leave.
I’d be the martyr, again…
“Marni!” I heard Noah calling as my cab whisked by him.
I couldn’t stop to face the ugly music; I wanted to remember us on a sweet note.
It was time to move onto the next chapter of my life.
Chapter 12 Noah (Past)
Everything Has Changed ~Taylor Swift
“You’re free to do what you like.”
“I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to go with you, Siena.”
“So then let’s do it. There’s a flight that leaves tomorrow night. We can be in Rome by the following morning. Everyone will be home this week. You can bunk with Roman.”
With Marni deciding to go to Sedona with her mom rather than accepting my invitation, Siena’s invitation to hang out with her family in Rome enticed me.
I was pissed when my girlfriend told me she couldn’t spend this week with me. Surely, I thought she was kidding when she first said no. We hadn’t seen each other since August. Obviously, she was all right with our separation. With each passing day, there was a nagging suspicion we wouldn’t make it.
Marni might have been correct in her suspicion. Her absence, at first, drove me crazy with a yearning to move back to Colorado. As school brought about a new reality, my desire for her lessened—not a lot, but it definitely wasn’t the same.
“Hello?” Siena waved both hands in front of my face to bring me back to her. “What are you thinking about? You completely tuned me out.” Should I? Shouldn’t I? What was the protocol when one had a girlfriend, but was traveling with an ex-girlfriend? “Talk to me!” she demanded.
“I want to make clear—we are only friends. This trip does not in any way make you think Marni and I are over.”
“Let’s go, Mr. No-Fun,” Siena groaned and led me out of her car. “Didn’t you say your mom wanted us at her house by seven? As it is, she’s not thrilled with me. Let me not show up late and add another black mark against my name.”
“Mom likes you fine. She’s never said anything mean or rude to you, has she?”
“No. But I get the feeling she isn’t fond of me. Watch. As soon as you explain that you’re spending Thanksgiving with me rather than her, she’s going to create a voodoo doll of me. Each night you’re not home she’ll stick pins in all the most painful places on my body.”
I chuckled at her ridiculous statement. “Yeah? Which are the most painful places?”
“I can’t mention those places to you!” Modest Siena? Ha! That word had no place in her life.
“Why the hell not? It’s not as if you haven’t shown me all those places.”
“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you just talked about my private parts!”
“Private parts? I thought you were talking about your fingers and toes.” She halted for a split second then burst into a fit of giggles.
“You always had the best sense of humor.”
“I know,” I added to our conversation.
I jiggled the key into the lock and a throng of people cheered, “Happy Birthday!” while whistles and party streamers covered the air.
“What on earth?” I had no idea what I was walking into. “Did you do this?” I asked Siena.
“All your mom, the voodoo doll pincher,” she whispered and kissed my cheek. “Happy birthday, Noah.”
I walked over and thanked Mom as people wished me good cheer.
“Noah, happy birthday.”
“Thank you, Carson. You and Mom didn’t have to do this. As it is, I feel bad I’m bumming off your generosity.”
“You can pay it all back when you become a hotshot like your dad,” Carson kidded.
“Hey Noah,” my friends Maricella and Pietro called. “Happy birthday. Sorry we arrived late. We missed the shout-out due to work.”
“No problem. Thanks for coming.”
Maricella answered, “It’s our pleasure. Here.” She handed me two gifts.
“You each brought me a gift? You didn’t need to bring any.” My face turned red at the thought of a twenty-two-year-old receiving gifts at his birthday party thrown for him by dear young Mom. This felt like a twelfth birthday instead.
“The gift bag is from us, but the nicely wrapped box was from a woman who asked us to deliver this to you.”
“A woman?” Mom asked concerned. “What did she look like?”
Maricella sighed before answering, “She looked as if she’d cried her eyes out. She looked so heartbroken that I approached her while she was trying to hail a cab, to see if I could help. That’s when she asked us to give this to you.”
Shit! This felt all wrong.
“Oh my God! Marni!” Mom whispered. “She must have seen you and Siena walk in together,” she said to me. “Did she have red hair?” she asked Maricella.
“She did.”
That was all I needed to hear.
I raced out of the building just in time to see her cab driving by.
“Marni!” I shouted from the top of my lungs.
The cab zoomed away and I felt as if my lungs had breathed their last breath.
Marni and I were done.
Chapter 13 Ben (Present)
Can’t Fight This Feeling ~REO Speedwagon
“I have a problem,” was the first thing I said walking into the house.
Marni waited for the rest of the sentence while my baby rocked side to side, up and down, in response to my appearance.
“Hello, Precious!” I kissed her all over.
“Dada,” she squealed, loving the attention.
“That’s right. I am your Dada and you’re a genius for talking, already. But then again, how could a child of mine not be a genius?” Nuzzling her neck, I kissed her some more.
“What’s the problem?” Mar asked impatiently when she saw I’d lost my train of thought because of this adorable girl in my arms.
“Oh.” I came back to the other adult in the room. “The school would like for me to attend a five-day conference in New Orleans over Presidents’ weekend.”
Mar hesitated before asking, “And the problem is…?”
“The problem is that I don’t want to leave you and Ali alone in this house for five days.”
“OK…I’ll ask Mom to come up? Ask your parents to stay here? I’ll go stay with either grandparent?” None of her answers worked for me. “You are shaking your head no because why?”
“Is dinner ready? Let’s sit, eat, and talk. I skipped lunch today. I’m starving.”
If I thought our schedule worked well before, it was seamless, now. Each day, we fell into a pattern perfect for the three of us.
Since Mar was usually up late between school, work, and homework, I did the six a.m. wakeup with Ali. I cherished the time we spent reading, playing and cuddling. Many mornings, Ali was in bed with me “talking” about who knew what. This girl talked nonstop and I loved it. When Mar woke up to start our breakfast, I’d sit my daughter in front of the piano and give her a “lesson.”
Before breakfast time ended, I was out of the house and Mar took care of Ali in all ways. Monday and Wednesday, they played at the kiddie gym. Tuesday, they had music class. Thursday they scheduled play dates and Friday they left free. Some days when I got home, my daughter was ready to fall asleep. Other days like today, she waited for me so we could have dinner together. It all depended upon when I’d get home.
“Do you have more to say about your conference?”
“Do you have school that weekend?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Let’s go together.”
Marni looked up from her salmon and asked, “What? Why?”
“What do you mean, ‘why?’” That was a silly question.
“Why would we go with you? I mean, you need to work. What would Ali and I do there?”
She had a point. “You and Ali could explore the neighborhood; since we’re staying in the French Quarter, you could eat beignets
daily. The three of us will hang out as soon as I’m done.”
“I don’t know, Ben. Traveling with a child could be risky. What if Ali hates the plane ride? What if she can’t adjust to the time change? Think of all the baby crap we’ll have to lug with us. Forget it, Ben. I don’t want to pack everything but the kitchen sink for a five-day trip.”
That was another valid point times three. Shoot. It wasn’t going to be easy convincing her.
“Come on, Mar. I don’t want to be away from the both of you.” Had I just said that? By the befuddled look on Mar’s face, I had just said that.
“You mean, you don’t want to be away from your daughter?”
“Um, yeah.” I forced a chuckle. “Ali might have nightmares without me.”
Marni rolled her eyes. “Your daughter doesn’t appear to have separation-from-her-old-man anxiety. She’s as happy as can be when you’re not around.”
“All right.” I attempted my mean, dominating voice. “If my request is being denied, I demand you and Ali come with me to New Orleans. I won’t be able to concentrate on work if I’m worried about the two of you at home by yourselves!”
“Dear God!” Marni muttered. “I’ll think about it.”
Marni thought about it all the way to New Orleans!
We did have to pack a lot of baby crap, as predicted. Because neither of us had traveled with a one-year-old before, we brought everything with us. Everything filled two large suitcases along with a stroller and car seat. When we weren’t taking turns carrying Ali, we were taking off shoes, belts, coats, and placing every electronic item on the TSA check-in-from-hell conveyor belt. I did wonder about the sanity of bringing a baby on a trip.
Mar kept her mouth shut and let me do all the manual labor.
When we arrived at the hotel, I needed a nap.
“That was seriously a shitload of work to travel three and a half hours.”
Marni laughed. “Just be thankful Ali enjoyed the plane ride. Did you hear the other babies wailing? Between the three behind us, they cried the entire ride.”
“Next time I get a brilliant idea to fly with a baby, just remind me of today.”
Mar went about getting us settled in our suite while I watched her. So perfectly, she’d taken on the role of “wife” and “mother” without complaint, and with aplomb. There were no appropriate words of gratitude for what Mar had done for my life as well as Ali’s.
While pushing around the furniture to suit Ali’s needs, Mar said, “It’s beautiful here. I’m glad you coerced me to come.” I was glad Marni was here, too. Perhaps the way I felt wasn’t proper for a widow of one year. I shunned that disturbing thought. “You have your signature ‘I’m disgruntled’ visage. What’s the frown for?”
“Is this weird for you?” I waved to everything between us.
“What?” Mar looked around the room.
“This.” Now the pointing was between the two of us. “You, me, taking a trip like a traditional family would with a baby who’s mine, but not ours. You heard the flight attendant telling you how beautiful our baby was and how she looked identical to you. From the attendant to the driver to the bell hop—they all called you Mrs. Howard. Does that make you cringe? Did you ever wonder what could have…” I stopped myself from the inappropriate question of wondering what could have been. That would have been unfair. Since I married, I never wondered about us. My world revolved around Melody. What could Marni say? “Yes, Ben. I missed you so much while you were married to my sister?” What did I want her to say?
“It is what it is, Ben. Our situation isn’t common, but it’s the best for that little girl snoring in the room over there.”
Our lips could do no other than curve upwards to show our pleasure. Ali was snoring as loudly as a drunken man sleeping off his alcohol.
I stepped in to give Marni a hug. “I know I should let you go to find your happiness with Noah. Your life is at a standstill with us and will be for the foreseeable future. I can’t promise you anything—not a home that wasn’t your sister’s, not the security of a husband, not the love of a good man. What would possess you to stay with us? Everything I asked of you is for Ali’s benefit and mine alone. What do you get out of helping us?”
Surprisingly, I felt the tear drops dotting my shirt. This was happening more often than I liked.
“Was there a reason why you felt the need to paint the obviously bleak picture of my life?” The attempted humor couldn’t hide her pain. “Don’t worry about me, Ben. I might not have a home of my own, but I won’t ask to take over my sister’s home. I promise not to force you to marry me. And maybe one day, I’ll find a man who’ll not leave me for someone better.”
“Mar…” Now, my heart broke for her. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
When Marni pulled away, the tears in her eyes were working overtime. Unsuccessfully wiping away the deluge, she said, “I’ve said this before and I meant it. I love Ali and want the best for her. Nothing, no one else matters. If you want to date other women, don’t let me get in the way. I’m not here to replace Melody. I apologize if I gave off that impression. I’m sure there’ll be some woman you’ll fall in love with again. Just allow me my time with Ali.” The anger that emanated from this tearful woman alarmed me. How’d we go from talking about New Orleans to my impending second marriage?
“Hey.” I grabbed a wrist that didn’t want to be held. “You know I meant no offense. You’ve known me for how long and you believe I’m accusing you of hustling your way into our lives?” In truth, I was a bit offended. “I begged you to come help us.”
There was a continued recalcitrance to Marni’s attitude. It was time for us to lay everything out—past, present, and future.
“Let’s not talk about this anymore. It’s getting old, Ben. We’ve rehashed the past too many times.”
“Fair enough. Let me just bring up what you mentioned earlier, what felt like an accusation against me.” Mar sat and waited with dread. Ever since she was little, whenever she was extremely nervous, she’d sit with her hands on her lap and stare with an eerie calmness. This was her defense mechanism, her way of combatting the demons she believed to come. “I’m a little lost for words when I hear you believing that I left you for someone better.”
A look of disbelief crossed Marni’s face. “You’re telling me that you didn’t think my sister was better than I was? That wasn’t why you chose her over me?”
Here it was—Marni’s story, finally!
“I didn’t choose anyone over anyone!” I wanted that fact out on the table, loud and clear. “Your sister and I fell in love. You had nothing to do with why I chose Melody. Let’s not forget who had broken up with whom. It wasn’t as if you gave me a choice in the matter. Our separation was practically a drive-by breakup.”
“Do you actually believe what you’re saying?” Tears lined her eyes, again. “When I came home that first summer, I found you sitting close, laughing with my sister in her bedroom. It was as if I was the intruder in my own relationship. You were already in love with Melody.”
“Your sister and I did nothing wrong while you were away. You could have gone to a university near home but you chose to leave me. Yeah, Melody and I became closer, but nothing inappropriate happened.”
“Why are we talking about this?” The anger was evident. I knew I should tread lightly. “You married her. You two lived the idyllic life. Man, woman, child—you and my sister had it all. Why, Ben? Why bring up the obvious and hurtful truth?”
I tried to ask earnestly, “Why does this truth hurt? Up until recently, I believed you were happy for our marriage. Never did I think I had hurt you. Tell me the truth—were you still in love with me when I married your sister?”
Silence should have been evidence enough, but I was impatient for an answer. “Noah and I had gotten together just before your wedding and I should have been at my happiest, giddiest. He was so good to me. Noah was for me, what I was for you—a nurturer and a caretaker. But I wronged
him in many ways. I couldn’t let myself experience the joys of a new relationship and he knew. That’s why it didn’t surprise me when he ended up marrying Siena.”
“What?” I was so confused. “Who’s Siena, and that still doesn’t answer my question.”
“You want a definitive answer, here you go!” she yelled. “I loved you since I was a child. Whether an innocent love or the love of a woman, it wasn’t easy to let go of all those years. So yeah. I was in love with you when you married my sister. I was in love with you when Noah and I became a couple. I loved you for so long, I don’t know when it started and when it ended. Is that a good enough answer for you? Are you satisfied?” With each answer, the pain grew worse for my dear friend.
“Mar. Why didn’t you tell me? Is that why you stayed away from us for all those years? Melody missed out on an older sister and I missed out on a great friend.”
“Why can’t you understand?” she asked in a pained, hoarse voice. “Just like there was no place for me when Dad moved Jean and Melody into the house, there was no place for me when you chose my sister. You of all people should have known what your choice would do to me. You knew how I lived all those years in silent loneliness. How could you possibly ask me why I didn’t tell you? What the hell would I have said? ‘Um, please marry me instead of my sister because I love you?’ I don’t know why you need to know now how I felt ten years ago. If you had truly been my best friend, my boyfriend, my all, the answers would have been obvious.”
Shit. What to say now? How could I spin this conversation into a positive one? “OK. Fair enough. I was an insensitive jerk for only thinking about my happiness. You’re probably right. Why would I want to think about how you felt when I was experiencing that joy and giddiness as you described of a new relationship. ‘Selfish’ was a nickname you’d given me even before I understood the word. At age twenty, I hadn’t grown up, yet. A decade later, you could still call me selfish. Since we’re doing this and everything is out in the open, can I ask you when you stopped loving me? Do you still have…” this wasn’t an easy question to ask but I had to hear the answer, “feelings for me?”
