The Once and Future Geek

by Mari Mancusi

Uh-oh. Stu stifled a grimace. According to what he'd learned in his English lit class last year, this Elaine chick was supposed to float down the river and die of despair, thus inspiring a bunch of stories and paintings by famous writers and artists throughout history—from Lord Tennyson to Meg Cabot.

  Now, thanks to his good-intentioned, but, in hindsight, pretty stupid interference, she was still alive. So much for not changing history while he was here. He half wondered if he should push her back into the water. But no, he couldn't do that to her. History was just going to have to deal with one extra non-dead maiden on its hands. No big deal, right?

  “Don't worry,” he tried to assure her. “Someday your prince will come. And let's face it—no guy—even Lancelot—is worth dying for, right?” He cringed at his own self-help advice.

  “You're right. I'm sorry. I've been ghastly since I met you,” Elaine sniffled, looking over at him with sorrowful eyes. “And all the while you were trying to save my life. Rescuing me from my watery grave.” She stole a glance back at the castle. “Unlike some knights I know!” she shouted loudly.

  Stu shrugged sheepishly. “Well, anyone would do the same in my place.”

  “But they didn't! You did!” she cried, a sudden worrisome gleam sparking in her eyes. She scooted closer to him. “You're a real hero! My hero!”

  “I don't know about—”

  Elaine grabbed Stu by both ears, yanking him forward and planting a big smacking kiss on his surprised mouth. Her lips were slimy from the muddy water and her breath smelled vaguely like fish.

  “Whoa! Hang on a second!” Stu cried, struggling to back away. But her fingers pinched his ears and wouldn't let go.

  “Oh brave and noble hero who rescued me from the darkest pits of my despair!” she crowed, pulling him into a headlock and rocking him against her buxom chest. “From this day forward I shall declare you my knight and true champion!”

  “Gurk!” It was about all he could say—with his larynx being crushed. And suddenly Stu had a pretty good idea of why Lancelot had taken off running.

  She thankfully loosened her hold, looking down at him questioningly. “Did you say something, my love?”

  “Um, that's very nice of you,” he stammered. “But I can't be your champion. I . . . I belong to someone else.”

  She dropped him like a hot potato, his head slamming against the riverbank. “What?” she cried angrily. “Who could this be? What vile harlot would dare to rip away my true love—my very heart?”

  Stu swiped the mud from his cheek as he sat up, backing away a few feet for comfort. Who indeed? He couldn't say Sophie. He had to stay in character. After all, he'd already screwed up enough history today. “Her name is Princess Guinevere,” he announced, trying to sound confident. “We’re supposed to get married.”

  Elaine cocked her head in question. “I thought she was betrothed to King Arthur.”

  “Yeah, well, I am King Arthur.”

  Elaine burst out laughing.

  Stu stared at her. “What's so funny?”

  She shook her head, tears of mirth falling from her eyes. “Oh, my lord, you are as amusing as you are handsome.”

  “I'm telling you. I am. I am King Arthur,” Stu repeated, not knowing why he was even bothering. “I pulled the sword from the stone, for goodness’ sake.”

  “Right. And I'm the Lady of the Lake,” she replied, rolling her eyes. “Look. I've seen King Arthur. You, my lord, are no King Arthur.”

  “But I . . . “ Stu trailed off, his eyes suddenly catching his reflection in the river.

  Oh no.

  He did a double-take. Gone were the insta-muscles. The handsome face, the big feet. The glamour that had made him king had completely vanished—it must have washed off in the river somehow. And now, only dorky Stu Mallory's face stared back up at him, with a frightened expression he was sure matched his own.

  And here he thought Merlin had been kidding when he said the glamour spell was “dry clean only.”

  He cringed. This was not good. The lords of the realm would soon be gathering in the war room, all depending on him to lead them to battle. If he didn't show up looking like the same King Arthur they'd pledged their lives and kingdoms to . . . well, they were going to start asking questions to say the least. In fact, he'd probably be lucky to avoid being burned at the stake for trying to trick them.

  He had to find Merlin. Get a new glamour before the meeting started. If he was lucky, maybe he could find him back at the Crystal Cave. He still had the directions that Sophie had given him before she left.

  “I'm sorry,” he said to Elaine as he scrambled to his feet. “It's been real. But I've got to go now. I've got something super important to take care of and I don't have much time.”

  She rose to meet him, her gown and hair still dripping wet. “I'll go with you.”

  Of course. “That's really not necessary.”

  “You saved my life. I'm in your debt.”

  “Buy me a drink sometime. We'll call it even.”

  Elaine scowled. “Is my life worth nothing to you but a cup of mead?” she queried angrily. “Perhaps I should just go back into the river? Finish dying of despair?”

  Stu raked a frustrated hand through his hair. Someone save him from crazy medieval girls. “Fine. Come if you must. But don't slow me down. I'm under a major time crunch here.”

  And with that, he turned and started back up to the bridge, Elaine racing after him eagerly. “Thank you, m'lord. You won't regret it! I promise!”

  But Stu was pretty sure he already did.

  Chapter 37

  “Are we there yet?” moaned Elaine for probably the five hundredth time as she trudged behind Stu up the rocky hillside and toward Merlin's place. He shot her an annoyed look. It was seriously just his luck he'd managed to save the brattiest, whiniest damsel in distress in all of medieval England.

  “I don't know,” he replied. “Do you see a Crystal Cave anywhere in the near vicinity?”

  She twirled around, a bewildered expression on her face. “No?”

  “Then I guess we're not there yet.” Stu picked up the pace. She huffed and puffed, struggling to keep up with him, tripping repeatedly over roots and rocks. Feeling a momentary guilt, Stu slowed his steps, allowing her to catch up. After all, the mountainside terrain was a bit rough and neither of them had the L. L. Bean approved hiking boots on their feet. He needed to give her a break.

  “Are we there YET?”

  Or not.

  He spun around on his heel. “Look, you don't have to follow me, okay?”

  “But you saved my life!” she protested, her brown eyes widening in hurt surprise. “I love you!”

  Stu let out a long sigh. If only he could have heard those three little beautiful words from someone else.

  “Don't you love me in return?” Elaine pressed.

  He decided it was time to be straight with her. “Actually I'm, well, I'm sort of in love with someone else,” he confessed. “A girl named Sophie. Not that I'll ever be able to tell her,” he added under his breath.

  “Oh alas!” Elaine screeched. “My true love has forsaken me!” She placed the back of her hand against her forehead in an overly dramatic swoon. “Why, I should just throw myself off this cliff right here and now—for surely there is no reason to go on living!” She flounced toward the edge of the hillside, arms flailing. “Plummet to my death and lie broken and bruised on the forest floor—my body as battered as my heart!”

  Argh. Stu stumbled after her, dragging her back from the ledge before she made good on her threat. “Come on,” he said. “There's no need for all that now, is there?”

  “I don't know.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “Do you love me?”

  Stu gritted his teeth. “Only if you promise not to throw yourself off any cliffs in the near future.”

  Elaine's eyes brightened. “Oh my brave and noble knight!” she cried, dancing around him joyously. “I am so happy I may burst out into song!”

  “Pleas
e don't,” Stu begged, but it was too late. And let's just say the Lady of Astolat didn't exactly have the vocal range of an opera singer. In fact, he was pretty sure his deaf grandmother could more properly hold a tune.

  He picked up the pace, trying to ignore the rather too-descriptive love song being belted out behind him. A few moments later he pushed through the trees and into a small clearing. His eyes lit up as he realized they'd made it. Merlin's Crystal Cave.

  He quietly thanked Sophie for her detailed map. Getting lost in medieval woods with Elaine would not have been fun.

  “Are we there yet? Are we there yet, my love?” Elaine sang, bursting out from the bushes behind him.

  Stu decided to let her figure out the obvious herself and headed into the cave to see if Merlin was home. He didn't know whether to yell at the magician for abandoning him or just beg him to make things right again.

  “Merlin?” he cried, squinting through the flashes of light coming from the multicolored crystals covering the walls. “Merlin, are you here? We have a problem.”

  But he was greeted with silence.

  “Are these gems real?” Elaine asked, following him inside. She picked at a ruby embedded in the wall. “Why, they could be worth a fortune!”

  “Don't touch anything,” Stu admonished, heading toward the back of the cave. He found a door and pushed it open, revealing a thankfully gem-free workspace. Still no Merlin, but there was something almost as good.

  A computer.

  Stu dove for the machine, feeling a sense of elation as his hands slid over the keyboard reverentially. “Oh baby it's been too long,” he whispered as the familiar Windows load-up chimes echoed through the cave. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed technology until he finally got a chance to touch it again.

  “What is this magic?” Elaine asked curiously, leaning over his shoulder and peering at the box. He could feel her stale breath on his cheek and tried to shrug her away.

  “It's . . . a communication device,” Stu explained. Hands shaking, he loaded up his instant messenger and pressed connect, his heart pounding as he waited for it to load. Unfortunately, neither Sophie nor Merlin seemed to be logged in. Maybe they were playing Camelot's Honor.

  He clicked on the game icon and loaded it up, typing in his user name and password.

  “What are you doing?” Elaine asked. “What are those buttons?”

  “It's a keyboard. Instead of writing out letters, you press the button and the letter comes out on the screen,” he explained, trying his best to be patient with her. “See? I type an ‘S’ and there it is.” He pointed to the screen.

  Elaine's eyes grew large. “What wonderful magic!” she exclaimed.

  “For once I agree with you,” he muttered, selecting his Lord Vanquish character from the load screen. He shifted in his seat, his bladder suddenly reminding him he hadn't gone to the bathroom in a few hours. He told it to wait. This was too important.

  The game loaded slowly. Merlin must not have a great Internet connection, but eventually Stu found Lord Vanquish staring up at him through the computer screen, waiting for his command. Stu swallowed hard, loading up the “Friends” window to see who was online.

  Ugh. No Sophie.

  His bladder panged again. This time more strongly. He wondered if Merlin had indoor plumbing to go along with his twenty-first-century electronics. But a quick glance around the room revealed nothing.

  He stared at the screen, willing Sophie to sign on. Or Merlin. Or anyone really.

  Ten minutes went by. He was about to burst.

  He turned to Elaine. “Listen, can you do me a favor?” he asked.

  She nodded eagerly. “I would travel to the ends of the earth if you need me to.”

  Hmm. He'd have to remember that for later. “I just need you to sit here. And if the name Lady Bella pops up in this screen here”—he pointed to the friends window—”then I need you to yell really loud so I'll know.”

  “Do you want me to write to her?” Elaine asked. “Using the tray of letters?” She pointed down to the keyboard.

  Stu shook his head. “Just yell. I'll run back in as soon as you do.” He rose from his seat, holding his stomach. “You got it?”

  “Oh yes. You can trust me.”

  Stu wasn't so sure about that, but he realized he had no choice. He ran from the room, out of the crystal cave and into the woods, praying Elaine wouldn't let him down.

  *

  Sophie ran into her bedroom, Guinevere hot on her heels. Hands trembling, she loaded up Camelot's Honor, praying Merlin would be online so they could tell him about their encounter with Morgan Le Fay. Get his advice on what to do. Her Lady Bella character no longer existed in their new reality, but she had created an alternative just for messaging sake. She selected this level one character and the game loaded up. Then she clicked on her friends’ list, her breath in her throat.

  “Merlin's not on,” she told Guin with a sigh. Then she did a double take. “But . . . Stu is?”

  Her heart slammed against her ribcage. Why was he online? Wasn't he still in Camelot? Maybe he was using Merlin's computer? Her hands were shaking so bad she could barely type as she sent a private message to her friend.

  >>LadyBella2: Stu! I can't believe you're online! It's me—Sophie!

  >>LadyBella2: I had to make a new character.

  >>LadyBella2: How are you doing?

  >>LadyBella2: How’s Camelot?

  >>LadyBella2: Have you seen Merlin?

  >>LadyBella2: We’re having some serious problems here! I really need to get word to him ASAP. So if you've seen him . . .

  She waited for an answer, her pulse thrumming. At first there was no reply. And then . . .

  >>LordVanquish: Who are you?

  Sophie stared at the screen, confused.

  >>LadyBella2: ?? What do you mean? Stu, it’s me, Sophie, of course!

  >>LadyBella2: Don't joke around. I need help here!

  >>LordVanquish: Go awaye. Fynd your owne knight.

  Sophie looked at Guinevere who looked back at her and shrugged. Hands trembling, Sophie continued to type.

  >>LadyBella2: Okay, who is this?

  >>LordVanquish: I am Elaine. His true love.

  Sophie's heart sank in her chest. So it wasn't Stu on Merlin's computer after all. It was the girl he was taking to the Snowflake Dance. His secret girlfriend—the one he never bothered to introduce to Sophie. He must have given her his account information so she could play his character when he wasn't around.

  “Wow, he must really like her,” Sophie mused, feeling a heavy weight lodge into her stomach. After all, the Stu she knew would never give his password and account information away to someone else. Once she'd made the suggestion—to help him clean out his character's messy inventory. But he had totally freaked out, going on and on about how it would be an invasion of his privacy to have someone else playing his character for him. Lord Vanquish was sacred, he'd told her.

  Except to his new girlfriend, evidently. Guess love could really change a guy.

  >>LadyBella2: My mistake. Sorry to disturb you.

  With a heavy heart, Sophie reached over and turned off the computer, feeling tears sting the corners of her eyes. “Well, that's that then,” she said, walking over and flopping down on her bed. “I guess we can try Merlin later.” Her voice cracked on the words.

  “Are you all right?” Guin asked, coming over to sit beside her. “You don't look so good. Are you still worried about Morgan Le Fay?”

  To be honest, for a moment, Sophie had forgotten all about the sorceress's attack. All she could focus on was Stu and his secret girlfriend. She suddenly realized that, up until now, she'd been holding out hope that it was all a misunderstanding. That Stu didn't really have a girlfriend that he never bothered to tell her about. But now she couldn't deny it any longer. Now that she'd talked to the girl herself.

  Elaine was real. She loved Stu. And evidently Stu loved her back.

  She groaned miserably. Wha
t would it be like when he returned home? Would he even want to be friends anymore? Or would he start spending all his time with Elaine?

  “I feel like my world's falling apart,” she confessed to Guinevere. “Stu has been my best friend forever. We never kept secrets from each other. And now I'm finding out he has this whole other life without me.”

  She tried to tell herself that it wasn't a bad thing—she wanted him to be happy, right? But at the same time, she couldn't help the burning jealousy clawing at her gut. It had always been just the two of them together, for as long as she could remember. So why did he feel the need to bring a stranger into the mix? And what if Elaine didn't like Sophie? What if she decided to tell Stu not to hang out with her anymore? What if Stu listened to her and agreed?

  Guinevere reached out and stroked her hair. “Does Stu know you're in love with him?” she asked gently.

  “What?” Sophie shot up in bed. “I'm not in love with him. We're just . . . “ She trailed off, thinking of her best friend. Of his shining eyes and silly laugh. The countless late night conversations and first in the morning IMs. The fear she'd felt when he'd gone up against King Lot. The kiss she'd given him when he won. Her face flushed just thinking about it.

  Just thinking about kissing him again.

  “Oh no,” she moaned. “What if I am in love with Stu?” She rolled over on her back, staring up at the ceiling. “This is a disaster. A total disaster.”

  “Is it really so bad?” Guinevere asked pointedly. “After all, the two of you seem perfect for each other.”

  “Except for his new girlfriend.”

  “Maybe he's only with her because he doesn't know how you feel,” Guinevere suggested. “Trust me, Sophie. I saw the look in his eyes when he spoke of you. When he told me to tell you he missed you. A boy doesn't look like that when he's in love with someone else.”