The Forever Gift

by Brooke Harris

  ‘Where are you?’ Jack asks.

  ‘Erm,’ I swallow, glancing over my shoulder at the door to the canteen. ‘I’m on my way up to the ward.’

  ‘Okay. Good. I’ll see you there in a few minutes.’

  ‘What’s wrong? You’re freaking me out, Jack.’

  ‘Nothing’s wrong,’ he says, in that soothing voice that I’ve come to learn precedes a but of some sort.

  I bang the button on the wall, frantically calling back the lift. Bing! The doors part and I can barely contain myself to wait for the man inside to get out before I jump in.

  ‘Jack, just tell me,’ I say, pounding on the button for the third floor. The lift creaks and groans and obediently begins rising. ‘Jack?’ I say, but the line is dead.

  I lower my phone and stare at the screen. I should have known I’d lose service in the lift. I count along with the digital display above the door. One… two… stop! Dammit. We’re stopping on the second floor.

  ‘Going down?’ a young women says as the doors part.

  ‘Up.’ I point, ready to push the button to close the doors again.

  ‘I wanna goooooo. I wanna goooooo,’ the toddler in her arms screeches.

  She grabs another, older, child by the hand and I move over as they step into the lift. The doors creak and groan and seem to take forever to close and the toddler and older kid poke their tongues out at one another and scream and shout, obviously in the middle of a sibling war. Their mother tosses them a look that warns them they’re in big trouble as soon as I get out.

  Bing!

  ‘How dare you, both,’ I hear her growl before the doors fully close behind me. ‘I’m sure that lady is shocked. I’m mortified by your behaviour.’

  I take a deep breath and shake my head. I can remember scolding Kayla in the same way for similar silly behaviour when she was little. I remember when she was about two she had a meltdown in the sweets aisle in Tesco because I wouldn’t, and couldn’t afford to, buy a giant bar of Toblerone. I was embarrassed as strangers watched her kick her arms and legs and scream at the top of her voice. I remember how my face burned and my temper flared, and I thought being a mother was too hard, too intense. What I don’t remember is who the people staring at me were. I don’t remember if they were young or old. If it was a man or a woman or both. I just remember the sinking feeling of I can’t do this.

  The feeling grabs me again now as I stand in front of the security doors outside Kayla’s ward. My legs are shaking, and my palms are sweating. I want to hurry inside and hug Kayla tight. I want to apologise for not buying the Toblerone back then and buy her as much chocolate as she can possibly eat. But, I can’t seem to get my legs to move forward. Jack is waiting behind those doors and I know I don’t want to hear whatever he’s about to tell me.

  ‘You goin’ in, love?’ I jump as one of the nurses from the ward appears behind me.

  I nod, a bit lost for words.

  She places her hand on my shoulder. ‘You’re not the first parent to be overwhelmed by these doors.’

  ‘I just…’

  ‘Is it your son or daughter we’re looking after?’ she says as she swipes her security card through a box near the door and there’s a buzz and a click and the doors release.

  ‘My daughter. Kayla.’

  ‘Ah, Kayla,’ she says, as we step inside. ‘She’s a great kid. Although I think I might be in her bad books. I suggested changing her cannula this morning and she didn’t say anything but…’

  ‘If looks could kill,’ I say, thinking of Kayla’s angry stare. ‘Oh God, I didn’t mean,’ I add quickly, trying to back pedal, wishing I hadn’t said that.

  ‘Oh don’t worry,’ the nurse says. ‘I’ve heard worse.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I add.

  ‘Listen,’ she says, taking both my hands in hers and giving them a gentle squeeze. ‘You don’t have to watch every word out of your mouth. If you start doing that then you won’t be yourself and Kayla will pick up on it. Kids with cancer are just kids and they need their parents to be just parents. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You’re going through enough already.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘I’ll try to remember that.’

  ‘Well, best get back to work,’ she says squeezing my hands once more, which I wish she hadn’t as my palms are too sweaty, and it’s a little disgusting. ‘It was lovely meeting you.’

  ‘Yeah. You too,’ I say.

  I reluctantly put one foot in front of the other as I walk towards Kayla’s room further down the corridor. I can hear familiar voices and laughter as I get closer. The sinking feeling eases and I allow myself to consider that I overreacted to Jack’s call. Maybe he just wanted to go over Kayla’s notes or give me an update or something. I’ve really got to stop thinking the worst all the time or, as the nurse said, Kayla will pick up on it.

  ‘Hey, Mam,’ Kayla says, sitting up in bed when I walk into her room.

  ‘Hey, you,’ I say.

  ‘You were ages. Everything okay?’

  ‘Yes. Yes. Just a silly muffin crisis. Hello, Jack,’ I say, assuming the white coat sitting on the edge of Kayla’s bed is Doctor Patterson.

  ‘Hi, Heather,’ he replies, too busy checking Kayla’s leg to turn around.

  ‘Hello, Aiden,’ I add.

  Aiden steps aside so I can pass by and get closer to Kayla. I drop my bag onto the chair next to her bed and lean over her to kiss her forehead, as seems to have become habit every time I enter or leave her room.

  ‘Did you get some time to chat?’ I ask, looking at Kayla and then Aiden.

  ‘Yeah. Yes we did,’ Kayla says. ‘It’s been good.’

  I smile. My eyes are on Aiden. He’s unusually quiet and he’s pale. As pale as some of the kids on the ward.

  ‘That’s good. I’m glad you had a chance to catch up—’ my breath catches in the back of my throat as I catch a glimpse of patches of bright red on Kayla’s bandages that weren’t there earlier. I point. ‘Jesus Christ, what’s happened?’

  ‘Mam, don’t freak out,’ Kayla says.

  More bloodied bandages are thrown in a kidney dish on Kayla’s bed and Jack is sitting next to them wrapping fresh, white bandages around Kayla’s knee.

  ‘Kayla had a dizzy spell in the games room. She took a little tumble,’ Jack says.

  ‘Is she okay?’ I search Jack’s face for an answer but he’s not looking at me. My gaze moves to Kayla. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘She’s absolutely fine,’ Jack says. ‘These things happen. They’re not ideal, and we’re going to be more careful to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Aren’t we, Kayla?’

  Kayla nods.

  ‘But it’s really nothing to get upset or worried about, Heather,’ Jack continues. ‘There’s no damage and we’d be changing the bandages soon anyway.’

  ‘Is this why you were calling me?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes.’ Jack smiles. ‘I thought Kayla could use a cuddle. She’s been very brave.’

  ‘Or very stupid,’ I snap. ‘Kayla what on earth were you thinking? If you’re dizzy you know you shouldn’t get out of bed. How many times can we go over this?’

  ‘I was bored.’ Kayla folds her arms and narrows her eyes. ‘It’s boring in here. It’s not a crime to want a change of scene.’

  ‘Aiden, what were you thinking dragging her around the hospital like that? She’s not well. How can you not understand that?’

  ‘I- I- I’m sorry,’ Aiden splutters.

  ‘It’s not Aiden’s fault,’ Kayla says. ‘The games room was my idea.’

  I look over at the wall. Kayla’s crutch is in exactly the same place as it was when I went downstairs earlier. ‘Did you even think to bring it with you?’

  ‘I forgot,’ Kayla shrugs.

  ‘You forgot,’ I say. I shake my head with my lips pursed together.

  ‘I don’t think there’s any real harm done,’ Jack says.

  I exhale sharply until I’m light-headed. ‘Maybe not this time, thank God. But
Kayla, I think we need to talk.’

  ‘Oh great,’ Kayla groans.

  ‘Aiden would you mind?’

  ‘Sure,’ Aiden says. ‘I’ll wait outside’

  ‘I think it’s time to go home now, Aiden,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘It’s been a long day.’

  ‘Maaammm,’ Kayla grumbles. ‘That’s not fair. Aiden’s come all the way up just to visit.’

  ‘It’s okay, Kay,’ Aiden says.

  ‘Aiden I am sorry,’ I say. ‘But Kayla needs some rest.’

  ‘S’okay, Heather. I get it. Anyway, my mam says I have to be home before six. She doesn’t want me on the train when it’s dark.’

  ‘Are you sure your mother is okay with you getting the train alone, Aiden?’ I say, trying to hide my suspicion that Aiden has skipped off school and come to Dublin without his parents knowing. I wonder if I should text Mary, but I don’t want to get him into trouble.

  Aiden nods, wide-eyed and emphatic. ‘Yeah, she’s cool with it.’

  ‘Okay, then. Well, text us when you get home, won’t you?’ I say, reaching a compromise with my conscience. ‘You know, just so we know you made it back okay.’

  ‘Will do,’ Aiden says. ‘Oh, I nearly forgot.’ He bends down and reaches into his school bag and pulls out a large Toblerone. ‘Your favourite, Kay.’

  ‘Oh my God, is that a white chocolate one?’ Kayla asks, sitting a little straighter.

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘You absolute legend.’

  Aiden passes her the giant bar of chocolate and she pulls him in for a hug. She catches him off guard and he wobbles. I hold my breath, panicked for a moment that he’ll lose his balance and come crashing down on her.

  ‘Maybe you could come visit again soon,’ Kay says.

  ‘Yeah,’ Aiden says, zipping up his school bag and sliding one strap over his shoulder. ‘But, it’ll have to be the weekend. If I skip another day of school my mam will kill me.’

  I glare at Aiden, waiting for him to realise what he’s confessed.

  It takes a bit longer than it should but eventually he says, ‘Ah, Heather. You’re not going to tell my mam are you?’

  ‘Not this time,’ I say. ‘But you really can’t do this again, Aiden. It puts me in an awful position. And now I’m worried about you making it back home safely. I’m already worried enough about Kayla, I don’t ned this on top. Do you even know what bus you need to catch to get back to the train station?’

  ‘Erm…’ Aiden mumbles, unsure.

  ‘Oh Aiden,’ I say.

  ‘You know, my shift finished forty minutes ago,’ Jack says, standing up and lifting the tray of Kayla’s murky bandages with him. ‘I’m heading home once Kayla is okay. I drive through town on my way. I can give Aiden a lift to the station, if it helps.’

  ‘Oh.’ I wince, unsure. Gosh, I could choke Aiden for going behind his mother’s back and making this all so awkward.

  ‘That’d be cool. Thanks,’ Aiden says, sliding his arm into the other strap of his bag.

  ‘That would be really helpful, Jack. Thank you,’ I say.

  ‘Ah, look,’ Jack says. ‘We were all teenagers once and did silly things. But next time I see you on the ward, young man, I want to be certain your parents know you’re here.’

  ‘Yeah. Definitely,’ Aiden’s says. His cheeks are flushed and I’m sure he’s learned his lesson.

  ‘Thank you,’ I mouth to Jack and he smiles back at me with big, beautiful hazel eyes.

  ‘Bye, Kay,’ Aiden says.

  ‘Go home, you eejit,’ Kay says, opening the Toblerone and taking a bite. ‘But I’ll see you soon, yeah.’

  ‘Yeah. Soon.’

  ‘Come on, young man,’ Jack says, draping his arm over Aiden’s shoulder. ‘Let’s get you on that train.’

  Twenty-Eight

  Charlotte

  Molly skips up the steps between the ground and third floor. I’d happily have taken the lift but Molly wanted to see all the characters painted on the wall as we make our way up the stairs.

  ‘That’s Jas-bin,’ Molly says, pointing excitedly.

  ‘Jasmine,’ I correct.

  ‘And A-lad-bin,’ Molly adds.

  ‘A-lad-din, Molly.’ I exhale. ‘Aladdin. We’ve watched the film twenty times.’

  ‘I can’t wait to see Kayla,’ Molly says, her hand in mine swinging back and forth.

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘Oh, oh, look,’ Molly says as we round the first half flight of stairs. ‘That’s Mooblee.’

  ‘Oh God Lord, Molly.’ I smile. ‘That’s Mowgli. Mowgli from The Jungle Book.’

  ‘I love The Jungle Book,’ Molly bounces. ‘I really like when the ele-fant goes flying high and high.’

  ‘Molly,’ I say as we round the next turn, ‘that’s Dumbo.’

  ‘No.’ Molly pulls a face and throws her head dramatically over her shoulder to look back at the mural on the wall we’ve passed. ‘That’s Mooblee.’

  ‘No, I mean the flying elephant is Dumbo.’ I shake my head, exhausted already. ‘You know what? Never mind.’

  Molly’s hand pulls in mine and I know without looking she’s trying to get closer to the paintings on the wall as we ascend the staircase.

  ‘I’m tired,’ Molly announces as we round the next flight.

  ‘Well taking the stairs was your idea, missy. C’mon. Not much further. Kayla is waiting for us.’

  ‘And lollipops. Kayla will have lollipops.’

  I come to a sudden stop and Molly’s hand jerks in mine as she tries to skip ahead.

  ‘Molly, there won’t be lollipops every time we come to see Kayla. Do you know that?’

  Molly’s bottom lip drops and she shakes her head.

  ‘Didn’t Daddy explain this to you, sweetheart,’ I say.

  Molly stares at me blankly. For a kid who almost never stops talking, Molly is a mute statue now. I turn away and roll my eyes. I asked Gavin to speak to Molly last night; ease her gently into what we’re facing.

  ‘What did Daddy tell you Molly?’

  ‘That we could see Kayla after school…’

  ‘And…?’

  ‘And that we’d see Aladbin and Mooblee.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And that’s all,’ Molly says sweetly, smiling as she tugs on my hand, ready to get moving again.

  I tug back, gently. ‘Did Daddy tell you Kayla might not be feeling very well?’

  Molly shakes her head. ‘Does Kayla have a pain in her tummy again?’

  ‘Great! Thanks, Gavin,’ I groan inwardly.

  ‘What’s great, Mammy?’ Molly asks.

  ‘Nothing. Nothing,’ I say, wishing my kid didn’t have the ears of a bat. ‘Come on now, let’s go see Kayla. Yeah?’

  ‘Yay,’ Molly says, beginning to skip again and clearly forgetting that less than two minutes ago she was complaining about tired legs.

  Molly complains about tired legs, a pain in her finger, and needs to stop off on the second floor for a wee, before we finally reach Kayla’s ward. Bleach and disinfectant seem to seep from the walls up here. The smell is so much stronger in this part of the hospital than anywhere else. I wonder if it’s my imagination or if everything has to be more sterile because the kids are so sick. A lump swells in my throat and I try not to think about it.

  Molly’s fingers wriggle away from mine and she charges into Kayla’s room with renewed energy. I hurry after her, wishing I’d reminded her not to jump on Kayla’s bed. I told her in the car but, in her excitement, she might forget.

  ‘Shh.’ Heather is in the chair by Kayla’s bed and places her finger over her lip. ‘Kayla is asleep, Molly.’

  ‘But it’s daytime.’ Molly points to the window where autumn sun shines through the panes of latticed glass and creates squares on the floor tiles like a patchwork quilt of light.

  ‘She’s very tired,’ Heather explains.

  I try not to act visibly shocked by how pale and thin Kayla looks tucked up in bed. The chemo has stripped the colour from her
cheeks and the shine from her hair. Oh, Kayla. Heather looks positively awful too. Her hair is messy, looking as if she hasn’t brushed it today. There are deep, dark circles under her eyes and her skin is almost as grey as her jumper.

  ‘How is she?’ I ask, tilting my head towards the bed.

  ‘She fell earlier,’ Heather says, her voice crackling.

  ‘Fell. Oh Jesus.’

  ‘I fell in school,’ Molly says and pulls up the leg of her school tracksuit pants to show off a scab on her knee that’s at least a week old.

  ‘Is she okay?’ I ask. ‘I mean, she didn’t hurt herself, did she?’

  ‘Oh, it hurt.’ Heather nods. ‘They gave her morphine, I think that’s why she’s so sleepy. Thankfully there’s no damage done. Just a bit of bleeding.’

  ‘Oh thank God. But how did it happen?’

  ‘She was playing pool in the games room.’ Heather rolls her eyes. ‘She doesn’t even like pool.’

  ‘There’s a games room?’ Molly bounces. ‘I want to go to the games room. Please, Mammy. Pleeeaaassseee.’

  ‘Molly we came to see Kayla,’ I say.

  Heather shakes her head. ‘I don’t think Kayla is up to visitors today, Molly. I’m sorry. She’s just very sleepy.’

  ‘So we can’t play?’ Molly’s face falls.

  ‘Not today, Molly,’ Heather says.

  ‘But I want to play,’ Molly shouts, and Kayla stirs.

  ‘Shh. Shh,’ Heather says, leaning forward to stroke Kayla’s hair.

  I bend to come down to Molly’s level. ‘Molly, we have to whisper when someone is sleeping. You know that.’

  Heather looks at me crossly as I straighten. Then she glares at Molly. I’m not sure what more she wants me to say.

  ‘I’m really sorry.’ Heather exhales, standing up and ushering us towards the door. ‘You’ve had a wasted trip. But Kayla is just too sick today. Maybe come back another time.’

  ‘But I don’t want to go home,’ Molly begins to cry.