“I’m not surprised that neither one of you had a clue.” Trish rests her hand on my shoulder. “His family’s intense about religion.”
“They’re intense about everythin’.” I swallow the lump in my throat, remembering his whole existence was a dumpster fire and everyone in our small town knew it.
“And so was Cody.” Trish’s eyes are kind, and I wish I felt some of that compassion toward myself.
“And I loved that about him.” Memories come in shreds of infinity pulling me toward all the happy moments we shared between the drama. “We chose to be together. I hate that I have so many regrets.”
There will never be closure for what happened.
Trish parks at The Splat.
“I don’t blame Cody, ya know,” I force a breath, trying to explain what I never meant to say. “We were both so young. He’d never been with anyone before me, and you know I hadn’t either.”
“Honey, I’m not judgin’ you at all. What happened in your relationship happens all the time to people. Yours just has a tragic ending.” She squeezes my shoulder as we pull into a parking spot.
“I wish I could talk to him about this.”
“That’s the worst part, I think. You can’t talk now, when you have so much to say.”
“And I’ll never be able to.” Weight encapsulates my chest until I’m unable to breathe. Trish opens her car door and the chilly air hits my face.
Sharpie marker fills the brick walls, signatures covered over and over again, every college student making their mark on the walls. We order and sit in the corner. Basketball plays on the TV, because it’s November.
November means I missed Bobby’s birthday. Fuck, I meant to at least text him.
The cheese sticks come out. “I could live off these things.”
“You practically do,” Trish teases.
“Bobby bought me some my first night back.”
“See, he’s a sweetheart. Cody was the obnoxious one. I’m pretty sure the only time B was obnoxious was when Cody was egging him on.” Trish is softening up to the idea now that she knows how I feel.
“Good point.” I shake my head.
“Well, look what the cat dragged in. It may just be your lucky night, my love.” Trish raises her eyebrow toward the front door. “Must be fate or somethin’.” She smiles. “It’s my lucky night, too. Zac is with him. Good thing I brought my big purse with all my hair stuff and a change of clothes.” She winks.
I’m afraid to look. Oh fuck. I’m afraid to see if she’s not just playing some cruel joke.
A shiver works through me as I hear him. No, it couldn’t be. His laugh carries into my ear and my heart pounds.
Blood drains from my face, because fucking hell, he’s here and I can only hope he doesn’t keep avoiding me. The moment I hoped would happen–but had no clue when or how–it’s here.
Mustering up all my courage, I risk a glance at the order line–I could be wrong–it could be anyone. Trish could be teasing.
But there’s no mistaking that tall, shaggy haired baseball star who took my heart even if he didn’t mean to.
Bobby is here.
15
BOBBY
The room melts around me.
All I see is her.
Lexie.
I want her to be mine so much I can’t breathe. The time without her, knowing she offered us a chance to be together, has torn asunder my very soul. I don’t know how to be what she deserves. This burden weighs down my every decision, knowing I must keep some level of valor in order to become someone she deserves.
All I feel is broken inside.
But you weren’t broken, Cody. No matter what fuckin’ happened to you, you weren’t broken. One tragedy happens in my life, and I fall apart.
Cody had the kind of strength people dream about. He came from literally nothing and worked his ass off. Once he got out of that hell of his childhood home, he only got better at baseball. Everyone noticed. First, a full-ride scholarship; then, first-round draft pick for the Yankees promised at the end of season.
I force a breath through my rattling lungs. My heart pounds in my ears.
God, Cody. What would you do if you were me?
That tremor in reality comes. I feel Cody close. His energy is like a life source, taking the broken pieces inside of me and mending them. “You’re not as broken as you think,” he seems to say through the void.
Lexie is here. Like a message. A sign. A symbol.
Do you want me to be with her?
My throat burns.
“Cheese sticks or no?” Mick shoves my shoulder. He must’ve already asked. I told him that I’m sick of the shit between us. Time to move on from whatever he’s pissed about.
“Yeah, sure, whatever.”
I leave twenty bucks in his hand and walk out of the line.
She’s looking right at me. “Must be cheat day.” Her voice is like a big fly winning the game.
“Hey, Bobby.” Trish smiles.
“Oh, hey, Trish.” I go around the table and give her a half hug. “It’s been a while.”
“Sit with us?” She looks at the two empty chairs at their table.
“Yeah, thanks.”
Lexie is so perfect in front of me that I stumble into the chair opposite her. My memories go to that night. Feeling her skin. Her silky panties.
I swallow. This is exactly what I’m afraid of. I’m so fucking attracted to her. I need to stay away. I can’t do this to us.
But, I want to. The look on her face tells me Lexie wants this, too.
“I’m gonna get some more lemonade,” Trish excuses herself.
It’s just us. Me and Lex. Her smile is even better than I remembered it. She looks so nice, like she’s handling life alright. I hope so. I’ve been worried maybe I’ve made things worse for her. But it looks like she’s taken it in stride. She’s such a strong person. I’m constantly inspired by her. Always have been.
My hands burn, the memory of her skin beneath my fingers swallowing me. I can’t handle the torment knowing I did that to her. To Cody. I shouldn’t have given in to all that.
“You can have some pizza if you want.” Lexie leans her elbows on the table and props her chin in her hands.
“Oh, thanks. Um, Zac’s gettin’ some.” My eyes hold hers. Those sweet green eyes in the low light. Shit, have I missed her.
“How was your birthday?” she asks.
“My birthday?” I forgot about it. That’s a first. Looking at my phone screen, I see the date. Mom forgot about it too. My stomach drops. I know she’s been really busy with Mrs. Harris, but this is the first time she hasn’t come to Suncastle for a fun birthday dinner. That isn’t like her. I pick at my nails, wondering if Mom is okay. She said they’d been busy, but that was months ago. It feels funny that I’m the one trying to get in touch with them when it’s usually reversed.
I pull out my phone and text Mom.
Me: hey, mom.
Nothing. No response. Why is this starting to be the new normal?
“Did you do anythin’ fun?” Lexie pulls me from my phone.
“Oh, yeah just studied all night on my birthday. I’m drowning in classes. Jeez, enough about me. How you been?” I ask her, trying to get out of my own head.
“Missin’ you.”
My heart sinks into my gut, a place with no return. I freefall through my feelings, sucking in a hard breath.
“Look, I’ve gotta be crazy about you or somethin’ because even though you’ve been avoidin’ me–”
“Avoidin’ you?” I wrinkle my eyebrows, leaning closer.
“You gonna pretend we’re never in the athletic buildin’ at the same time?” She gives me an I’m-calling-your-bullshit glare and I chuckle.
“Okay, okay, but hey, I did tell you what I was thinkin’ that day you came to my place.” I look at her hands, close enough to touch.
“When are you gonna believe me that this,” she points between the two of us, “would be okay wit
h him?”
Her words scald a hole in my soul like a bullet came from her lips and shot straight through my heart.
“You need to heal and I think I can help.”
I need her help.
But I don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve her.
Not right now. I’m in a flare with my eating disorder. Mindy just found out about it for heaven’s sake. Lexie’s the last person I want to bring into this. I need some time to make myself better.
Lexie’s hand comes to mine, rubbing shapes into my knuckles. A heart….
Her touch is like satin. Her essence soothes me. Her soul cares for me. I don’t know how or why she gives a damn. But it’s all over her face. It’s all over her heart, the one she’s drawing on my skin like she wants to give hers to me. Like maybe, in some ways, she already has.
“We can try this, ya know. Just see what it’d be like.” Her smile is hopeful.
“I donno, Lex. I’m a mess right now.” Breath hangs in my chest. My eyes instill every bit of my truth that I can.
“I dated Cody for years. I think I can handle a mess.”
I laugh, because she’s right. How is it that she sees anything good in me?
“I’m sayin’ we’ll never know a damn thing if we don’t give it a try.” Her face comes close to mine. I smell her sweet perfume. Like cinnamon apples or fall or home. “You wanna try?”
My heart leaps in my chest. Because as much as I’m not ready to go into this relationship, I know I want to. Maybe time isn’t what I need.
Maybe she is.
I want to love her the best I can. Show her all of me, even my hidden and secret parts. Learn what she loves. Give her that.
Every last day of my fucking life.
But it’s too much. I’m going to suffocate in my own disaster before I have a chance to learn all about hers.
16
LEXIE
I am on an emotional rollercoaster sitting at The Splat. One moment, I’m holding onto so much hope that he’s wanting to talk. But then, it’s like a light switch, feeling connected to him–then being shoved away. Cody did something like this and it always bothered me. But it’s different here. I can tell that Bobby is fighting a battle in his head.
Instead of being annoyed, I’d like to help.
“I don’t know, Lex. I want to, but–” He looks at the TV, the wall behind me, our hands. Opening his mouth, it’s like he wants to say something but can’t. He’s withdrawn from this moment, like he’s too deep in his own thoughts. I lean back in my chair, recovering from the shift.
That night at my house, I was convinced something was there, something I never knew before. That wonder and power struck me, and I haven’t thought of much else.
Trish is right, I am in love with him.
But this isn’t easy. He sat with us, so he wants to be here. I see something else in his eyes and I really want him to tell me what it is.
Why does something so beautiful have to be so difficult?
How am I still holding onto hope for this man? My heart scuttles in my chest the longer I stare, because fuck me, I cannot believe my eyes.
Tonight?
Here?
I guzzle more beer. “Want some?”
He takes a swig and fills a cup from the pitcher sitting on our table. I want to talk, to be with him, to fix his broken parts with the shattered pieces of my own.
Our hearts are both destroyed; we need each other to fix them.
Tell me what’s on your mind. Tell me how long you’ve had a thing for me, Bobby.
I think back to the day of Cody’s funeral, when Bobby held me and we both sobbed.
Did it start then? So soon after Cody’s death? I don’t know, but I remember him holding me. Sitting across from him at the table, I feel that same comfort–that same bit of soothing that his presence always provides, even when I’m confused.
Why does he soothe me?
Mickey pulls up a chair.
“Hey, shitface.” I greet him while Zac sits between Mickey and Bobby.
“Shitface?” Mickey feigns pain in his chest.
“Oh yeah, I texted you ten times about study group.” I roll my eyes.
“I don’t always have my phone, you know that.” He taps his knuckles on the table.
“Uh, huh. Convenient excuse.” I shake my head.
I’m back to focusing on Bobby. He and Zac are carrying on about the game.
Trish disappeared, so I go to the bathroom to find her. “Why the fuck did you leave me out there with him?”
“You didn't want that?” Trish plays innocent, reapplying her lipstick. Her crush on Zac sent her in here to push up her push-up bra even more. “Thought maybe you could actually have a conversation if I gave y’all a minute.” She pops her cherry red lips, turning in the mirror, giving herself a once-over. “I am havin’ a good butt day. Look at this.”
“You’re always havin’ a good butt day.” I take her purse and fish out the clear lip gloss. “And about Bobby, I have no fuckin’ clue.”
Trish teases her hair with her finger nails, fluffing at the tall body of her curls. I look at the outlet on the sink seeing that she brought her curling iron with her.
“You want him.”
I think about how I felt when I saw him, how much I’ve missed him. For weeks I’ve just wanted to talk, to figure out what is between us.
“I want him?” I smooth the lip gloss, looking at Trish in the mirror.
“I see the way you look at each other. Fuck, Lex. He’s always looked at you like that, hasn’t he?” Her words ring truer than I’m ready for. “Now that we’re here, I am realizin’ that he’s always been lookin’ at you. I think he’s wanted to be with you for a long time.”
The world spins around me. “You’re not sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’, are you?”
“Remember that night when Cody punched him?” She puts a grin on her face and nods until I catch up with all she’s insinuating.
At prom, Bobby and I were dancing because Cody had stood me up–again–and Bobby didn’t have a date. It was completely innocent, just dancing as friends. Cody had been having a bad day, and I thought he just lost his shit over nothing, because, well, he did that sort of thing quite often. Cody punched Bobby so hard that it made blood gush all down Bobby’s tux. We went back to my place to get the stains out and they were laughing and joking like nothing had happened. Because, well, Cody lost his shit sometimes, and we all knew that. He never hurt me, but he’d throw punches at Bobby.
“Fuck.” I close my eyes for several heartbeats. “I thought that Cody was just bein’ a dick.”
“He was.” Trish puts on lotion, her unplugged curling iron cooling while we chat. “Typical intense Cody for ya.”
God above, the boys will be gone from the table if we stay in here for her entire beauty routine.
“But what if you are what they were fightin’ about?” Trish angles her head toward me.
I reach out for the counter, hoping to get a grip on reality. “You’re tellin’ me that all this time, there was somethin’?”
“Look, sweetheart, I dunno.” She puts her purse on her shoulder. “But I saw how he was lookin’ at you tonight, and it seems there’s a lot goin’ on here that you need to ask him about.”
My throat burns when I realize how much I want this, how much I want him, how much I hope Trish is right about everything.
What are these feelings? I never in a million years planned to return to Suncastle and find Bobby, but here he is in front of me.
I understand that his soul is wounded, damaged, because I’ve felt my own destroyed soul every moment of every day since Cody passed. We can come together with our broken pieces.
Can two shattered halves make a whole? I hope so. I can be the one to give him redemption from the pain that rests within those mesmerizing blue eyes.
“I just know that everyone is clamorin’ for his attention and seems you’re the one who gets it.” Trish
pops her lips again. “So, I’d at least see what it could be.”
“I don’t know. He’s so in his own world, like he’s ignorin’ me.”
“Ignorin’ you? Bullshit.” Trish pins a little flower into her hair and stuffs her fedora into her purse. “He sat at your table. He’d glance at me, but it was you he was lookin’ at. Not the TV. Not the guys. Not me. You, Lexie. Bobby Anderson was lookin’ at you.” She adjusts her shirt. “And I see what you were sayin’ earlier. It does seem like there’s more goin’ on here than just the hookup.”
My body is a mix of excitement and apprehension at her words. I think over the evening, how happy I am to see him. How he coulda just gotten take-out and left without another word. I know he’s been avoiding me, but tonight he chose not to. I have to take advantage of this moment.
“You’re right.” I pull open the bathroom door.
“We were wonderin’ if you locked yourself in there.” Mickey teases as we return to the table. “Was about to call the goddamn fire department.”
Trish rolls her eyes at Mickey. “Some of us care what we look like.”
“What’s your name again?” Zac asks, falling perfectly into Trish’s plan to win him over tonight.
“Trish.” She extends her vanilla lotion covered hand to shake his.
As I take my seat, it’s like Bobby’s looking into my soul, and I feel a deeper connection, like I’ve never felt before. A yearning scorches through me like the time his tongue danced in my mouth. My legs swell beneath my hips, craving his touch, his body against mine. That glowing warmth fills my very being.
Let me in Bobby…let me show you what we can be.
The basketball game on television ends, and the guys cheer and Bobby is swept up in the energy of the guys cheering–laughing, making fun of the fumbled plays on the screen, and joking with each other.
I love seeing Bobby light up the crowd this way. He’s funny, cracking joke after joke, making it hard for anyone to breathe because they’re laughing so hard.
A Game Like Ours: Suncastle College Book One Page 12
