by Holly Rayner
Joy, who was busy playing with two other girls by a stack of brightly colored cubbies, turned and saw her mother. “Mommy!” she called out, as she dropped the toy she was holding and ran forward.
Maia knelt down and caught Joy in her arms. After a quick embrace, Joy pulled back. “Mommy, I show you my painting! Come on!” She tugged at Maia’s hand.
“Let’s go put away your doll, first,” Maia said. She guided Joy toward the doll that she’d just dropped onto the floor and helped her put it back in the correct bin. Then, Joy eagerly led Maia toward a wall that was plastered with square sheets of crumpled paper. Each page was stuck to the wall with tape and dripped with still-wet paint.
Joy pointed upward, and Maia tried to follow the direction of her daughter’s gesture. She saw several paintings in the area where Joy was pointing. Two of them looked like controlled scribbling: wild zigzag lines splashed across the page, along with a few basic shapes. Another two contained clear stick-figures, made from circles and shaky lines. Each figure had two dots for eyes and a curved line for a smile.
Maia had seen Joy draw stick-figures before. She noticed that one of the drawings she was looking at looked like Joy’s style.
But that can’t be Joy’s picture, Maia thought. Usually, Joy drew two people in her paintings: herself and her mother.
However, the painting that Maia was now looking at contained three figures.
Three big, circular heads.
Three pairs of eyes.
Three crescent-moon smiles.
“See?” Joy said, as she hopped up and down with happiness. “Family!”
“But Joy, sweetie,” Maia said. “Who is the third person?”
“Daddy!” Joy said happily. Then she looked up at Maia. “Mr. Bry!”
Oh, no, Maia thought.
She squatted down by Joy. “Honey, Mr. Briars isn’t your dad. You know that.”
Maia was aware of Samira’s presence. She could see the woman’s heels, standing just inches away. Despite the lack of privacy, she went on. “Remember, we were just staying with Mr. Briars for a little while. Then we moved back home.”
Joy crossed her arms. “Why can’t he be my daddy?” she asked with a pout.
Because, that’s not how things work, Maia wanted to say. Mr. Briars would only be part of our family if he wanted to, and I don’t think that’s what he wants.
He doesn’t love us.
How could she say that to her daughter?
She couldn’t. She could barely stand to think it, herself.
Instead, she reached out her hand and straightened the strap on Joy’s overalls. “You know what? That’s a good question,” she said, trying to sound cheerful. “Let’s talk about it when we get home. I think you made a very lovely painting, and I think Mr. Briars would be really happy to see it. I could bring it into work to show him, when it dries.” She stood up.
Samira gave her a look of pity, which didn’t help Maia’s fragile mood.
“The paintings should be dry by tomorrow,” Samira said.
“Great.” Maia reached for Joy’s hand. “Come on, Joy. Time to go home!”
The journey back to the apartment felt infinitely longer than usual. Maia struggled to push down the lump that had formed in her throat. She didn’t want to cry in front of Joy.
Once home, she fixed a snack of celery and peanut butter for Joy, and a piece of toast with avocado for herself. Thankfully, her appetite had returned.
The nurse had lectured her again, after Ben left, about the importance of drinking enough fluids throughout the day. Caroline, who had taken a cab to the hospital to pick up her car and Maia, had been kind enough to stop by a local store to buy Maia an assortment of drinks. Her refrigerator was packed with electrolyte-infused waters, organic juices, and plenty of bottled water.
While listening to Joy, Maia walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of juice. She poured out two glasses—one for Joy, and one for herself.
No matter how many sips of the cool, refreshing drink she took, she could not make the lump in her throat go away.
Finally, once Joy ran off to her room to play for a while, Maia sank down into a chair at the kitchen table and started to cry. The tension she’d been holding in her throat and chest dissolved as tears poured down her cheeks.
She placed her elbows on the table, which was still sticky due to a spill of juice that Joy had insisted on mopping up all on her own. Her head fell heavily into her hands. Her back rose and fell as sobs racked her body.
I told him I was pregnant… and he just walked away.
He doesn’t want anything to do with me.
I’m going to have to quit my job.
I’ll have an infant to take care of on my own.
Being a single mother to one was hard enough… and now I’ll have two kids!
What am I going to do?
Chapter 18
Ben
What am I going to do? The question battered Ben’s consciousness, making it impossible to think clearly.
The sound of the door opening provided a welcome relief. He stood up from the chair by the window and walked across Nate’s living room, toward the sound of approaching footsteps.
Soon, Colby appeared around the corner. “Uncle Benny!” he shouted, as he tossed his little blue and red sweatshirt down to the floor. He wore muddy boots, which tracked brown footsteps across the carpet.
Ben could hear his brother’s voice in the background. “Colby… Colby, bud, you gotta take off your shoes.”
A moment later, just as Ben knelt down to hug Colby, Nate appeared in the doorway. He blinked with disbelief as he saw the tracks across the carpet. “Seriously, dude?” he said to his son. “You couldn’t take two seconds to take your boots off at the door like I asked?” He shook his head.
Ben squeezed his nephew, then propped Colby on his knee and helped him slip off one of his little rubber boots. “You need a hand with those?” he asked.
Colby nodded and reached for the other boot. “Thanks, Uncle Benny,” he said. He looked up at his dad. “Sorry, Dad,” he said. Then he picked up both boots and trotted back toward the doorway.
Ben stood. “I think he was just excited to see me,” he said.
“I guess so,” Nate said with a chuckle. “He started running the minute I mentioned you were here at the house waiting for us. I hate to say it, but I had a hard time keeping up with him.” He patted his gut. “Maybe a jog like that now and then will help me get back in shape.”
“I think you look great,” Ben said honestly. His brother’s skin had a healthy glow to it, and his eyes, for once, didn’t have dark circles below them.
Nate had seemed happier and healthier ever since returning from the rehab program in Upstate New York. Ben could tell the program had been effective, and his brother was clean. For that, Ben was grateful.
“It’s good to see you,” he said to Nate, while walking toward him with open arms.
The two embraced, and Nate clapped Ben on the back a few times.
“You two, Benny Boy,” he said. “You, too. Let’s talk about this news of yours, right? I mean, this is big!”
Ben didn’t know where to begin. He figured that he might as well relate the events of the day, which he still could barely wrap his mind around. Before he started talking, though, Colby wandered back into the room.
“Dad, what’s for dinner?” he asked.
“Bud, it’s only four o’clock,” Nate said.
“Can we have pizza?”
“I’m not sure yet. Tell you what—let me get you a snack, okay? Dinner’s not for two hours yet.”
“Is that a long time?” Colby asked.
Ben watched as Nate led Colby into the kitchen. I don’t know if I could ever have that much patience, he thought, as he looked back out onto the street. Endless questions… endless interruptions. It’s such a big responsibility.
Ten minutes later, Nate entered the room again. This time he had two bottles of sparkli
ng water in hand. He held one out to Ben and then sat down in the chair across from him.
“Sorry about that…” he said. “I just settled him in with a cartoon. He gets really tired after daycare and needs to chill out or else he’ll be fussy about every little thing.” Nate waved a hand, “Eh… I’m used to it. Kids.”
Ben wasn’t sure what to say to that. He didn’t know what it was like to plan a day around a child’s moods.
Nate gulped his drink. “Ah…” he said after swallowing. “Man, these are bubbly. But better than beer. Like I said, I’m trying to lose a few pounds. Anyway, man, you’ll know what it’s like to have a kid soon enough, by the sounds of it. Tell me about what’s going on.”
Ben sniffed and looked out the window. After a moment of silence, he spoke. “Nate, do you remember how it was when we were young? How dad seemed to resent having to raise us?”
“It was pretty hard to miss,” Nate said.
“That’s my worst nightmare,” Ben said. His shoulders stooped as if a weight was pressing down on him. “I’d hate to make a kid feel like that.”
“Who says you would?” Nate said. “Benny, you’re not Dad. He had his own issues going on. There’s no rule that says you’re going to be like him.”
Ben wanted to believe Nate, but he was having trouble. “But this wasn’t planned for. I don’t want to have kids. I don’t even know if I could handle having a wife. Now all of a sudden, Maia’s pregnant, and—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Ben said. “Back up. You’re moving too fast. Tell me about Maia.”
The restless energy that had been nagging Ben all day, since Maia had picked him up, grew stronger. No longer able to sit still, he stood up and started pacing along the nearby wall with the window in it. “She works for me,” he said, as he pushed his fingers through his hair. “She has for two years now.”
“Okay… and what else? How did you and her start seeing each other? Was it when she stayed over to take care of Colby?”
“Yes,” Ben said. “I hired her to help me out. It was supposed to be a simple, two-week childcare job. She was staying in the guest room. I had no idea it would lead to—”
“Are you sure?” Nate said, raising a brow. “I mean, you’re sure you had no idea that you two would fall for each other? I mean, there are hundreds—thousands—of women in this city that you could have hired to help with Colby. And yet you chose her. Why?”
Ben was surprised by the question. It had never occurred to him. “Because,” he said, “I know her. She’s kind. I trust her completely.”
“Interesting…” Nate said.
Ben turned to face him. “Nate—I chose her because she was the match for the job.”
“Well, maybe she’s the right match in other ways, too.”
Ben sucked in a breath and let it out through puffed cheeks. “Whew…” he said. “I just don’t know about this. I wasn’t expecting—”
“That’s how it goes, bro,” Nate interjected. “I wasn’t expecting to fall for Phoebe, either. The timing wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t looking for a wife. But I met her, and I knew. It wasn’t like I figured it out, like with my head. It was just a knowing. Deep down. In my body. In my heart.”
Ben understood what his brother was getting at.
Nate went on. “It’s not complicated either, Benny. It’s really simple. So before you try to intellectually strategize your way through this mess, you just have to ask yourself one thing: do you love Maia?”
Ben spoke quickly. “It doesn’t make sense to—”
“Nuh-uh,” Nate said forcefully. “I’m not letting you do this, Ben. This isn’t a business plan you’re mapping out. You just have to feel it. Do you love her?”
“I—” Ben wanted to say, “I don’t know,” but the words wouldn’t come out.
Nate looked at him expectantly. “It’s a yes-no question,” he said.
Ben breathed in and out. And then, all of a sudden, he understood just what his brother was getting at.
For the past three weeks, ever since his night with Maia, Ben had been doing mental gymnastics, trying to rationalize their night together. What were the pros and cons of seeing her again? What was the probability that their relationship would work out? What was the ratio of pleasure to pain that he might get out of it? What would the benefits be?
But none of those questions served him. No answers that he came up with brought him any clarity. They only seemed to bring more questions, and more confusion.
Now, as Nate asked him this one simple question—do you love Maia?—he finally felt some clarity.
His heart felt expansive. His whole body felt certain. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, I do.” The next words he spoke surprised him. “I think I have, for a very long time. Maybe since I hired her.”
“There we go!” Nate said triumphantly. He snapped his fingers and pointed to Ben. “That’s what I’m talking about! Now we’re getting somewhere.” He set aside his drink and sat forward in his chair, propping his elbows on his knees. “So, you love her.”
“Yes,” Ben said again. He was so shocked by this revelation that he felt he needed to sit down. In a daze, he lowered himself back down into the chair he’d occupied earlier. “I love her.”
“And she’s pregnant,” Nate said. “The baby is yours.”
“Right,” Ben said with a befuddled nod. “Also, she has a daughter already. A little girl named Joy.”
“I met her,” Nate said. “Remember? When I picked up Colby? Sweet girl.”
“She really is,” Ben agreed.
“So, I don’t see what the problem is,” Nate said. “Benny, maybe this is going to be good for you.”
“What will?” Ben said. A panicked feeling rose up in his chest.
“Having a family,” Nate said. “You and Maia—”
“I’m not a family man,” Ben protested. “I’m just like Dad. I get claustrophobic. I’d only cause pain. I’d resent them, and they would—”
“Will you stop with that already?” Nate said. “You’re talking like having a family is a bad thing. Benny, it’s not. Not at all. Dad was unhappy for his own reasons. Maybe he would have been unhappy regardless of whether he had kids or not. We don’t know. And besides that—you and I… we’re not Dad.”
Nate looked over his shoulder at the room nearby, where Colby was resting. There was a faint sound of the television playing cartoons, and once in a while, Colby’s laugh was audible.
Nate looked back to Ben. “I have news for you. Having a family is amazing. That little guy in there… He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. You don’t know how it’s going to feel to hold your child in your arms. You think you’re going to feel resentment, or like you’re being held back, or whatever—but that’s just not true. It’s the opposite, man.”
Ben let his brother’s words sink in. Was it possible? Was it true?
He tried to imagine what it would be like to hold an infant in his arms and to know he had a part in creating that miracle of life.
A feeling of lightness filled his body. His heart felt warm. He smiled involuntarily. “It could be pretty incredible,” he admitted.
“Now you’re getting it,” Nate said. “Imagine that feeling, times a million. I mean, no matter what you do now, there’s just no way to prepare yourself for the joy that you will feel. It’s unspeakable. And it just keeps getting better.”
Again, Nate looked over his shoulder to the room where Colby was. He grinned as he said, “Sure, there are some ups and downs. The little guy frustrates me sometimes—”
“Like when he doesn’t take off his muddy boots.”
Nate chuckled and turned to face Ben again. “Yeah. Like that. And about a million other things. But that’s all part of it, man. It makes the good moments even better. And underneath it all, there’s this unshakable love… this pride.” He shook his head with awe. “I don’t even know how to describe it. Colby is the light of my life.”
Ben sensed the sincerity in his b
rother’s words.
I could have that, he thought.
Doubt nagged at him. “What if I’m just not cut out for it?” he said. “I’ve lived alone for so long…”
“I know you’d be a great dad,” Nate said. “I have to admit, I was a little bit worried about leaving Colby with you while I was upstate. But do you know that he won’t stop talking about how much fun he had? And how much he loves his Uncle Benny? The kid is obsessed with you. He said you took them to see Pete the Penguin?”
Ben thought back on that day and how much fun it had been. “Yeah,” he said. “I thought the kids would like it, so I grabbed tickets, and—”
“See?” Nate interjected. “That’s proof, right there, about what a great parent you’ll be.”
“I may have done it, in part, to impress Maia,” Ben admitted.
Nate chuckled. “Even better,” he said. “She makes you want to be a better man. That’s why she’s right for you.”
Ben nodded slowly, feeling the truth of Nate’s words. When he was around Maia, he did want to be a better person. She was so open, so caring, so quick to offer comfort and a kind word. Her good qualities inspired him. He knew that if she was in his life, he would be a better person.
Then, suddenly, he remembered how he’d walked out on Maia earlier that day. “I messed up,” he said to Nate abruptly.
“No, don’t think of this as a mistake,” Nate said, misunderstanding Ben’s statement. “Think of it as a blessing.”
“No,” Ben said urgently. “I mean, I messed up today—with Maia. She picked me up at the airport.” His pulse quickened as he remembered how frightening it had been to see her pass out in the car. “She fainted, and I had to drive her to a nearby hospital. That was where I found out she was pregnant and that the baby was mine.”
“Whew.” Nate gave a low whistle. “Quite a way to find out a whopper like that.”
“You’re telling me,” Ben said. “I kind of freaked out. She recovered, but she wanted to talk. I didn’t know what to say, so I left.”
“You left?”
