by Holly Jaymes
I nearly died when he suggested she’d been pregnant before I’d been with her. To see the pain in her eyes and then anger, tore at me. This wasn’t me. I wasn’t the type of man to shame a woman for having sex.
I told my lawyer that when she left.
“Look, Mitch, it’s clear that you have feelings for this woman, but when it comes to paternity, you need to be sure. You’re going to be spending hundreds of thousands of dollars raising this child and sending him or her to college. At some point, the child will inherit your estate. You want to make sure it’s really your child. You don’t want to waste your money on another man’s child.”
At that moment, I didn’t give a rat’s ass if it was another man’s child. It was a child that I already loved and wanted to care for.
“No more of that. I want to know everything you’re going to say to her from now on.”
He shrugged. “Of course. You know, if you still love her, perhaps you should work it out.”
I shook my head. “That ship has sailed. But I don’t want her humiliated or shamed. That’s not what this is about. I just want my rights, not to punish her.”
As I walked out, I saw Hope with her parents standing by her car.
“Personally, I think he’s still in love with you,” her mother said to her.
“He was never in love with me,” Hope replied.
After everything, it was important for her to know that wasn’t true. “I was.”
She whirled around and stared at me like the proverbial deer with its eyes caught in the headlights. For a moment, I wanted to tell her that I still did love her. But like I’d told the lawyer, that ship had sailed. Too much had happened for me to let myself love anyone, including the mother of my child. So I turned and left.
But as I drove home, the guilt ate at me. I couldn’t love her, but I could at least apologize for what my lawyer did and make an effort to get us on civil ground for the baby’s sake.
“Mitch.” At first, she looked surprised. Then her blue eyes narrowed into annoyance. “Your lawyer didn’t do enough, and now you’re here to accuse me of being slut and gold digger some more?”
I blew out a breath. “No. I came to apologize. I didn’t know he was going to ask those questions.”
She stared at me for a moment, and I thought she was going to tell me to go to hell. Finally, she opened the door. “Okay.”
I stepped into her townhome. Her place was tidy and cozy.
She made her way back to the kitchen. “Do you want anything to drink?”
“No, thank you.”
She got herself a glass of water, drank some, and then turned her attention to me. “I don’t want or need anything from you, Mitch. If you don’t want this baby, I’m perfectly capable of raising it.”
“I never said I didn’t want the baby. All I’ve done are things to ensure I’m in this baby’s life.”
“Like humiliate me in front of my parents? Punish me?” she cried out.
My jaw clenched. I hated that I’d humiliated her. “I didn’t know he was going to ask those questions.” Not liking being the bad guy, I turned the conversation around. “You’re the one that didn’t tell me about that baby, which leads me to believe that you were planning to raise it without me. You probably weren’t going to tell me. I know what you think of me, Hope.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you don’t think I’m a good example. I’m too lazy and don't have ambition. Never mind I worked my ass off to build a billion-dollar company.” Just because I didn’t have a job or a business, didn't mean I lacked ambition. Who did she think made that design software? Who made sure Glynnis’ computers was virus-free? I was plenty productive.
She looked tired as she sat in a chair at her table. I began to feel guilty at keeping her here when maybe she needed to rest. “You were clear that relationships and children weren’t in your future.”
“So you decided to take the decision about this baby from me?”
“No. I just needed to figure out how to tell you and to be able to let you know that I’d be fine if you opted out.”
I stared at her for a long moment. There had been a time that I thought maybe she and I could have had a relationship. I’d felt she saw me, knew me, and respected me. But if she believed I’d opt out of raising my child, she didn’t know me at all.
“I’d never opt out of my responsibilities,” I didn’t want to yell and make her more stressed out since she was pregnant.
“But that’s just it. You see it as an obligation. You don’t want this child. You’ll just do the right thing.”
I couldn’t explain the rage that roared like an inferno through me. “You don’t think I love my child?” My voice was low, but there was no mistaking the seething behind it. “This child wasn’t planned, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love it. You love it and didn’t plan it. Why would it be any different for me, Hope? What the fuck do you think is wrong with me that you believe I’m incapable of loving a child I made?”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “Mitch..”
I held my hand up to stop her but took a beat to organize my thoughts and control my anger. “Before you left my house, I remember thinking about asking you to stay. I didn’t know how you felt about me, and you had your dream to follow, so I didn’t. But it never occurred to me that you thought I was the type of man who would abandon a child or simply participate in its life out of duty.”
“Mitch, I don’t think that.”
“You do. You just said you did.” I shook my head. “Is that why you didn’t tell me? You didn’t think I’d want it?”
“I was overwhelmed and confused. I wanted to get my life sorted and then tell you.”
I laughed derisively. “I lost my best friend because I couldn’t resist you. I had a moment when I thought maybe love could be real with you. But I was just a fucking idiot, again.”
She stood and moved toward me, but I put my hands up and backed away.
“Mitch, I would have stayed if you asked.”
I shook my head. “Tell me something Hope, what is it about me that leads women to feel okay about lying and betraying me?”
“It’s not okay, Mitch. And I didn’t lie or betray you, I just didn’t tell you as soon as I should have. It wasn’t because I didn’t think you’re not worthy. It was because I knew you wanted a different life, and because I was trying to adjust to it all. I don’t know.” She looked down. “At the time, it made sense.” She looked up at me. “I hate that I hurt you, Mitch. I really do.”
I wasn’t sure I believed her, but since she was going to be the mother of my child, I had to accept it.
I returned to the original reason for my visit. “I just wanted to apologize for my lawyer. My intention isn’t to punish you or make this hard. All I want is to be a part of the pregnancy, the birth, and the raising of the child. If you need anything, I’ll take care of it. I want to be at doctor’s visits and anything else important. I want to be involved.”
For a moment she looked like she was going to make an impassioned comment, but then she looked down. “Yes. Of course.” She turned away and went to her counter. “Here is the information about my next appointment. I’m having an ultrasound.”
I took my phone from my pocket and snapped a picture of the appointment card. “I’ll be there.” I turned to leave. “If you need anything, let me know.”
“I can support myself, Mitch,” she said with irritation.
I looked over my shoulder. “I want to be a part of this Hope.” Why couldn’t she understand that?
“Okay.”
I opened the door and walked out toward my SUV. Would there have been a time that this could have been different? Where Hope and I were together and excited about bringing a child into the world together.
“Mitch,” she called after me. “I’m sorry about Parker showing up at your mother’s house.”
I shrugged. “It was bound to happen. My punishment.”
I looked at her over the hood of the SUV. “That’s the problem, Hope. There was a time my feelings for you were stronger. I was ready to risk losing him.” I scoffed. “I misjudged. I should have never touched you, Hope. Not at the cabin, not at the river.”
“Don’t.” She put her hand over her belly. “If you have so much regret, if you think I’m such a terrible person, if you wish our baby had never been made, you can just leave and never come back, Mitch.”
Christ. I just made it sound like I regretted the baby. I was an asshole. “I’m not going anywhere, Hope.” Not wanting to say anything that would make it worse, I got into my vehicle and drove away. I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Hope at her doorstep watching me leave.
How did this get to be so fucked up? Was she right in that she would have stayed had I asked her? Would we be happy and on the same page about this baby if she did?
I drove home, letting Duke out of his room and then taking him for a run so I could sweat out all the negativity and doubt. I needed to let go of what could have been and focus on what was. Hope and I weren’t a couple, but we were having a baby. We needed to figure out how to do that without sniping at each other each time we were together.
When I got back from my run, I made sure that the doctor’s appointment was on my calendar and the address of the doctor’s office was in my GPS. Then I called Gabe, asking him what sorts of things Sam had wanted during her pregnancy that I might be able to help Hope with.
“She couldn’t ever have enough corn chips and chocolate ice cream, together. The ice cream was like salsa. She’d scoop it up with the corn chip,” he told me.
I liked sweet and savory together, but that did seem weird. “Was there anything she needed?”
“Not in the beginning. She needed new clothes when she got bigger. Near the end, I had to tie her shoes until she gave up and just wore slip-on ones.”
“So, what did you do for her during the pregnancy?” It seemed like men were relatively worthless while the woman had to do all the work.
“What’s going on Mitch?” Gabe finally asked.
“I want to be a part of this, but don’t know how. It seems like I’m not needed.”
Gabe laughed, which I didn’t appreciate. “You did enough, dude. She’s pregnant. Mostly I kept an even keel when the hormones made her emotional. I made sure she had chips and ice cream. I did all the heavy lifting and strenuous work. It’s all about being there.”
“Hope and I aren’t together.”
“Why don’t you change that?” he said, not hiding his annoyance. He thought I was being hard headed when I was being smart.
My mood sobered. “She thought I wouldn’t want the baby and that I’d only be involved out of obligation.”
“You’ve long maintained you wouldn’t ever be in a relationship. Was that such a stretch for her to believe?”
“You think I’d walk away from a child?” Did everyone think I was an asshole?
“No. I know you’d never do that.”
“Hope thinks I would. If she cared about me, she’d know me. She’d know I wouldn’t abandon my kid.”
Gabe was silent for a minute. “Mitch, as insightful as women are, they can’t read minds. And some minds, like yours, are harder to read. Maybe you and Hope aren’t meant to be. But neither of you can make a decision about your relationship without all the information.”
“I have plenty of information.”
“If you say so.” I could hear in his voice that he was giving up on trying to talk sense into me. But I had plenty of sense. “Right now, Hope is probably tired, so if you want to be there, doing things for her might be nice, unless she thinks you don’t think she’s capable.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning the house.”
Jesus. “I don’t live with her.”
“Maybe you should if you really want to be there and a part of the pregnancy.”
Again, the idea of having her in the extension came up. “Thanks for the help.”
“No problem. You might call Nate. He’s going through all this now too. They’re a few months ahead of you, so he might have some tips.”
“Yeah, I might do that.”
That night I lay in bed, wishing for easy answers. I’d remember asking for them when I discovered Gwen’s cheating. It had come to me at the waterfall. But that answer, moving to the mountains, wasn’t going to work this time. I couldn’t just cut myself off from my old life, not with a child involved. In fact, it appeared I’d have to re-engage with the world. I couldn’t see myself living with Hope, but perhaps I could live closer to her. I wasn’t keen on living in a townhome, so I wondered how she’d feel if I bought her a home in a kid-friendly neighborhood.
I sat up in bed. I could buy the river house. I knew it had already sold, but maybe I could make an offer they couldn’t refuse. I could buy another home in the neighborhood, so I’d be close by. The river wasn’t the mountains, but there was a peacefulness to it. It was close enough to activities a child would enjoy like parks. Other kids were around, which wasn’t the case by my place. Not that I’d get rid of my place because it would be a great getaway home. After so much angst, I drifted to sleep feeling like perhaps the answers were coming. That is if Hope was on board.
Book 3: Chapter 27—Learning to Co-Parent
Learning to Co-Parent
Hope
I wondered if Mitch and I would ever be able to be in the same room and not have tension thick enough to cut with a knife. I knew much of this was my doing. I shouldn’t have waited to tell him about the baby. I hated how pained he always looked when we spoke. I didn’t mean to hurt him, and yet, that’s what I kept doing.
He thought I didn’t think he was good enough when he was one of the best men I knew. Even now, after suffering the consequences of not telling him I loved him and that we were having a baby, I was still afraid to tell him all that I was feeling. I still loved him. I wanted to make his pain go away and have him realize what a great man I thought he was.
The worst part of all this was knowing that if I’d been brave enough to reveal my heart, we might be together. He kept saying things that suggested he cared for me too and that maybe he’d wanted a relationship. He was afraid too though, I guess, which was why he never said anything. That made this his fault too, except he had a good reason to be fearful of letting love into his life. Gwen had made sure he’d always doubt himself. And now I’d made it worse by not being upfront with him.
I think I was also making it worse by getting defensive each time he asked if he could help. Trying to see it from his side, he probably felt like he wasn't involved. First, I didn’t tell him, and now that he knew, he wanted to be involved, but there was little for him to do. I hoped the doctor’s appointment would help him feel more a part of the pregnancy.
I tried to figure out ways I could involve him more, but I didn’t know how. I wasn’t showing. I didn’t feel any movement. Right now, there was nothing to report.
To keep from getting too down or distracted by him, I refocused on my business. I hadn’t contacted Glynnis because I wasn’t sure I should. Would Mitch not want me up there? Would she know what was going on with us and ban me? I couldn’t imagine Mitch telling people about his personal life, but I was still nervous about it.
However, I did find two local stores willing to take some clothes on consignment as a test run. I had to start somewhere.
The following week, I met with the bank again now that I was ready to invest significant money into manufacturing. The meeting went just as I hoped it would, time-consuming but no glitches. At least the loan co-officer was friendly and seemed genuinely interested in my business.
As I was leaving, the loan officer walked me out. “I was so glad we were able to get this approved for you. No one will admi
t it out loud, but it can be more challenging for women to get business loans,” she said.
“I’m glad I was able to be approved.”
“It never hurts to have friends in high places,” she said, entering the lobby area from the office hallway with me.
What? “What do you mean?”
“Your friend, Mr. Sloane.”
“What about him?”
The woman stopped and looked at me like I’d grown a third-eye. “He backed the loan.”
What? Not wanting to appear that I was out of the loop, I said, “Oh yes.”
Inside I wasn’t sure what to feel. A part of me was angry. I thought I’d earned this loan on my own and it turned out he’d made it happen. But another part of me was grateful. Would my dream be dead in the water without his backing? I was also confused. Why hadn’t he said anything?
I thought about calling him but wasn’t sure what to say. The doctor’s appointment was coming up this week, so I decided to wait until then to ask him about it. Hopefully, I’d have a better sense of how I felt about it.
On Wednesday, I had no doubt that Mitch would be at the appointment. He was standing outside the doctor’s office looking so handsome in his jeans and light blue button shirt that it made my heart ache. Why couldn’t we get our crap together and make it work?
“How are you feeling?” he asked. “I’m told you might be tired a lot.”
See how good he was? He’d done research on pregnancy. “I am tired a lot.”
“I know you don’t like it when I offer to help. It’s not that I don’t think you’re capable. I just want to help.”
I remembered the bank deal, and then how he’d gotten me a sewing machine, created a computer program and made me an office in his home. All of that he’d done to help me.
“Gabe says maybe you’d like help with grocery shopping or cooking,” he added.
I smiled, loving how he was changing tactics in our meetings, just as I wanted to as well. “I do eat a lot of take-out, healthy take-out, but take-out nonetheless.”
