by Holly Jaymes
He held the door open for me. “I can help with that.”
I checked in at the reception and then waited with him in one of the chairs. “Mitch?”
“Hmm?” he said leafing through a parenting magazine.
“Why did you back my business loan?”
He stilled and slowly looked at me. “How do you know about that?”
I bit down the annoyance that he didn’t want me to know. “The lady at the bank said something about having friends in high places.”
“Fuck,” he said under his breath. He looked at me with his piercing eyes. “You said the bank was hassling you. I knew your plan was good. I have faith in your business, so I called.”
“You didn’t want me to know.”
He bit his lower lip. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I didn't want you to feel indebted or to believe that I didn’t think you could do it.”
“But I didn’t do it.”
“Yes, you did. All I said is that the bank wouldn’t lose money if the business didn’t do well. Since the business will do well, it’s a non-issue, at least for me. If I’ve offended you or upset you, I’m sorry.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt, but there was no time to reflect on it since I was called into the doctor’s office. Mitch came with me, standing in the corner as the nurse took my vitals.
Eventually, the technician came in for the sonogram. She had me lay back on the doctor’s table and lift my shirt. She put some warm gel on my belly and then started moving the wand around.
“Ah, there it is,” the technician said.
Mitch moved closer, his eyes intent on the screen. I looked over at the image as well. It mostly looked like a blob, and I felt a moment of panic that I wouldn’t be able to recognize my own child.
“You can see the head here,” she pointed to the screen.
“It’s so big compared to the rest of it,” Mitch said.
The technician laughed. “Yes. But here you see arms and legs.”
I was finally able to decipher what was on the screen.
“Is it a boy or a girl?” I asked.
“It’s too early to tell now.” She flipped some sort of switch, and a fast beating sound came from the machine. “Nice strong heartbeat.”
Mitch gripped my hand. I looked up at him, his eyes were misty as he turned them to me. “Look what we made.”
I laughed and cried all at once. “Yes.”
He ran his free hand through his hair. “You’re growing a person.”
The technician chuckled. I was sure she saw this sort of thing all the time. But for Mitch and me, it was so surreal.
“It’s a fucking miracle.”
I laughed and squeezed his hand.
“You know fetuses can hear what’s going on outside the womb,” the technician said with a grin.
It took me a minute to understand what she was saying.
Mitch blushed. “I guess I have to stop swearing.”
After the sonogram, we met with the doctor. She said everything looked good.
“Same rules continue to apply. Take your prenatal vitamins, no strenuous activity, but exercise and sex are fine. In the next couple of weeks, the fatigue should lessen, and your libido could increase. That’s normal and okay.”
Great. I was going to want sex and have the energy for it, but no one to do it with.
“Unless you have questions, I’ll see you back here in a month.”
Neither of us had questions. Mitch had been quiet after the sonogram and remained so as he walked me to my car.
Finally, he said, “Are you okay in your townhome? You have what you need there?”
I nodded, feeling disappointed. I realized that I’d hoped things would change with us and he’d care for me again. I wished that we’d make up and do this together as a single unit.
“Yes. I’m fine,” I reassured him.
“You have enough room? Space for the child?”
“Someday I’d like a house for outdoor space, but for now, it’s fine.”
He nodded. “Remember how we used to run around at your river house?”
“Yes.” I felt tears prick my eyes again. “I miss that place. I hope someday to have a yard that our child can run and explore like we did as kids.”
He stared at me for a long moment, and then he put his hand behind my neck and pulled me closer, kissing my forehead. “Take care of yourself, Hope. Let me know if you need anything.”
I need you, I wanted to say, but instead, I smiled. “I will.” He turned to walk away. “Mitch?”
He stopped and turned to me.
“I’m glad we’re getting along now. I want that for the baby.”
He smiled. “Me too.”
I went home feeling exhausted, but at least not as down as I had before. There was hope for Mitch and me. Not for a romantic relationship, but a friendship that would allow us to co-parent.
Because I was tired, I lay on my couch to rest. I’d deal with business later.
I woke with a start. Laying on my couch, I wondered what had woken me. Then I heard a knock on the door.
I stood up, careful to do it slowly as the doctor had warned me that I could faint if I stood up too quickly. I looked through the peephole.
I opened the door. “Mitch.”
He was holding two grocery bags. “I brought you groceries, and I’m going to cook your dinner.”
My heart went all warm and soft. “You don’t have to” I stopped myself. How many times had he told me he wanted to be a part of all this. I needed to let him feel involved. It made me a little sad that it wasn’t for me, but I was happy that he was trying so hard to be involved with the baby.
I opened the door. “Come in.”
He stepped in and headed to my kitchen, setting the bags on my kitchen table. He began to empty them. Mostly there was veggies and fruits, but he also pulled out corn chips and ice cream.
“Is this for me?” I asked.
He gave me a sheepish smile. “Gabe said Sam used to scoop the ice cream with the corn chips when she was pregnant with Annabelle.”
Good golly. He’d consulted his brother about pregnancy cravings. Mine veered more towards root beer and French fries, but this sounded good too.
I opened the bag and popped the lid off the ice cream. Scooping some up, I took a bite. “Yes, that’s good.”
“Not too much, or you’ll spoil your dinner.” He started opening cupboards to put the items away.
I sat at the table and had another corn chip watching Mitch work. As I did, my heart filled with such longing to love him, to have him love me, that tears filled my eyes. I turned away, not wanting him to see.
“Hope?”
I look up. His head was cocked to the side. “You okay?”
I gave him a wan smile. “Hormones. They make me emotional.”
He came to me, squatting down until he could look me in the eyes. “Do you have a reason to be emotional? Did I do something wrong?”
“No.” Unable to stop myself, I pressed my palm to his cheek. “You’re doing everything right, and I don’t deserve it.” I wished I hadn’t said that because I knew everything he was doing wasn’t for me. It was all for the baby.
“We’re in this together, Hope.”
I brought my hand down. “Yes.” But inside, my heart was busting. Despite my attempts to block the pain, I’d wanted him to tell me that I did deserve it and that he loved me and we’d be more than partners in raising our child. I blamed the hormones on my inability to control my feelings.
He smiled reassuringly. “I’m going to make you stir fry with lots of veggies.”
“Sounds delicious.” I swallowed my longing. “I think I’m going to clean up.” I started to close the chips and ice cream.
“I’ll take care of that. Go rest or whatever. I’ll call you when it’s done.” He stood, picking up the bag and carton.
“Thank you, Mitch.” I watched as he put the food away and then pulle
d out a knife for the vegetables. I sighed and then left the kitchen. If this was as good as I got with him, it was still going to be better than nothing, even if it felt like torture to hide my love for him.
Book 3: Chapter 28—Perspective
Perspective
Mitch
I wanted to hold her and tell her I loved her. The only reason I couldn’t seem to do it was my fucking fear of being made a fool. I never wanted to have what happened with Gwen to happen again. I didn’t think Hope would do that, and yet, she’d shown she was capable of withholding important information from me.
So instead, I held my tongue. I kept telling her I wanted to be a part of the baby’s life, but I kept out the part that I wanted to be with her too, but I was too much of a coward to admit it.
After she left the room, I started the rice, then cut up vegetables and chicken to make stir fry. Her kitchen was small compared to the one she had in the river house. I still wasn’t sure if I should make an attempt to buy it. It was a great family home, and there was so much for a kid to do there. We’d need to build a fence, or more accurately, I’d need to have one built for Hope. I wasn’t going to live there, after all. But I’d find a home close to her so I could be there when our child got home from school or wanted to play hide and seek in the woods. I’d teach him or her to swim and fish in the river.
At the same time, I worried Hope would be upset about my buying the home. There were great memories and not so great memories from there. Growing up, I’d spent a lot of time playing pirates or cowboys with Parker, and later as teens hanging out with our group of friends. I’d always cherished that night we’d made love on the beach even as I regretted betraying Parker.
But the bad memories included the fact that the house was sold to help her family’s financial situation. Would they be mad that I bought it? Or would they be mad I hadn’t bought it before the new owners had?
This was why living on my own was so nice. The only person I had to figure out was me. But that was going to change with a child, so it was time I adapted.
I warmed up the pan and put the meat in to cook first.
“Where’s Duke?” Hope asked as she came back into the room.
“He’s at my mom’s visiting George.” I hadn’t been sure how long I’d be down here, so I brought him with me and planned to stay at my mom’s for the night.
“How is your mom?” she asked.
“Good.”
“I really hope Parker didn’t make too much of a scene.”
I looked over my shoulder at her. “Did he tell you that he punched me in the face?”
“What?” She looked horrified. “He said he hit you, but I just figured it was in the arm or something.”
“Nope.” I stirred the meat. “I let him have that first shot since I figured I deserved it.”
“I hate that you think that. I hate that we can’t have our own friendship without worrying about him.” She went to a drawer and pulled out forks and started setting the table.
I thought about the way she put that. “I think we could have our own friendship as long as I didn’t touch you.” A new worry occurred to me. “Are you and Parker okay?”
She shrugged. “I’m pissed that he told you because I wanted to. I’m angry that he’s such a baby to go over and hassle you at your mom’s house. I really don’t feel like you and I are any of his concern or business.”
I went back to the meat, putting it on a plate, adding more oil and then putting the vegetables in to cook.
“You wouldn’t feel weird if one of your girlfriends slept with your brother?”
She seemed to think about it. “Weird maybe, but not pissed or betrayed.”
“Women are more evolved about these things, I guess,” I said.
“No doubt.” She got some plates out. “Will you serve here or at the table?”
“Here is fine,” I said. She set the plates on the counter near me. It made me think of when we were at my place, making breakfast or another meal together. We had seemed so in sync. It felt like a million years ago, and yet here we were, in sync again.
I finished the stir fry, served her plate with rice and the chicken and veggies, and then got my own sitting at the table with her.
“This reminds me of when we were at your place in the woods,” she said as she looked over her plate of food.
“I was thinking the same thing,” I said. We started to eat, and then all of a sudden started to feel awkward because this wasn’t like before. I wouldn’t be holding her through the night like before. And there was a baby now.
“Had you heard the heartbeat before,” I asked her.
“No. Today was the first time. Until today, it didn’t really feel real, you know? I mean, I felt tired, but there were no other signs. And then there it was on the sonogram.” Her eyes filled with tears again.
“People have babies all the time. My mom had four. And yet what we saw today was like a miracle.” Seeing the image of my child shifted everything inside me. Yes, I was a coward not to risk my heart with Hope, but I wasn’t going to be moody or bitter. Seeing the baby made me realize what was really important. My life now belonged to that child, and by extension to Hope. Maybe someday I’d be able to let go of the fear that held me back from loving her, but for now, this would have to do.
I was pleased she was letting me be involved. There was so much I couldn’t do. Cooking for her was something I could do.
“Has this changed any of your plans around the business?” I asked.
Her eyes narrowed, and I could she was trying to decide if I had some hidden agenda. I held my hands up in surrender. “It’s just a question, Hope.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m moving forward as planned.”
Now worried she’d be upset I said. “I had started a website for you. It’s supposed to be a Christmas present. I’ve got a mock-up of it if you’d like to see it. It can be a way to sell your things and work from home.”
I could see she was working on accepting my effort for what it was. “I would like to see it.” She cocked her head. “Do you think a mom has to stay home to be a good mom?”
“No. But it’s nice to have options, don’t you think? Besides, if anyone would be a stay-at-home parent, it would be me. I don’t have a job.”
She laughed. “Oh yeah.”
Another thought occurred to me. “There was only one baby on that picture today, right? I mean, you’re a twin. What are the odds you’re having twins?”
Her eyes widened. Clearly, she hadn’t thought about this. “It sounded like there was only one.
“Why do you suppose something so small scared the shit out of me?” I asked.
“Because it’s fragile and is entirely dependent on you, on us.”
“I guess that’s it.” I nodded at her food. “How is it?”
“It’s excellent, better than take-out.”
We continued to eat, avoiding difficult topics, and as we finished, I found that I was reluctant for the night to end.
“I’ll do the dishes so you can rest,” I said as she put her fork down.
“I’m not an invalid.”
I sighed. Was she going to fight me again after all? “I know, but it makes me feel useful.”
She smiled. “In that case, it’s okay.”
I was about to take her plate when there was a knock on the door.
“I’m not expecting anyone,” she said, looking toward the front door.
“I’ll get it,” I said, motioning for her to stay seated. I strode to the door and opened it.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Parker said when he saw me.
Every nerve in my body tensed. “Parker.”
“Is my sister here?” he looked around me, but I blocked him. I’m not sure why. Was I being an asshole or protecting my child?
“Yes. We’re eating,” I said.
“So, you two are a thing again?” His sneer suggested he didn’t like that idea.
�
��We’re having a baby, Parker. Whether you like it or not,” I replied.
Parker’s voice rose, but I didn’t hear what he was saying. Instead, I heard a chair move behind me and then a loud thud.
I spun around, looking toward the kitchen. Hope’s chair was empty. Scanning the area, I saw her body on the ground.
“Oh, God.” I left Parker and rushed to her. “Hope. Hope.” I dropped to the floor next to her and pulled her in my arms.
“Jesus,” Parker’s voice said from behind me.
“Call 9-1-1,” I yelled at Parker.
“What happened?” he asked, pulling out his phone.
“I don’t know. She was fine a few minutes ago. “Hope. Hope honey, wake up,” I gently tapped her face. I heard Parker talking on the phone. I had half a mind to simply pick her up and drive her to a hospital myself.
“They’re on their way,” Parker said. “Is she breathing?”
“Yes, and has a pulse.” I’d learned CPR and first aid when I moved to the woods. It was another activity to fill the time, and I figured it would be useful if I ever ran into someone on the trail that needed help. I hadn’t ever expected to use it on the woman carrying my child. “She’s out cold, though.” I was dying inside. “Hope.”
“Lay her back and raise her legs,” Parker said as he was repeating what he was being told by the dispatcher on the phone.
I gently lay Hope on her back and moved to her legs, lifting them and resting them on my thighs.
Parker dropped to his knees next to her and took her hand. “Hope,” he said. “Wake up. Don’t do this to me.”
I wanted to tell him not to think of himself at this moment, and yet I’d be a liar if I hadn’t had the same thought. She couldn’t be ill when I hadn’t fixed everything between us yet.
I heard the siren in the distance getting closer. “Hurry the fuck up,” I said.
“I’ll go open the door,” Parker jumped up and rushed to the door. “Yes,” he said to the dispatcher on the phone with him. “They’re pulling in.”
Just as the paramedics rushed in, Hope’s eyes fluttered.
“Hope. Hope, wake up.”
