by J. A. Saare
I had to get away from him immediately.
He'd lift his strong and capable hand, hold it over my face, and grin while he shoved me down and suffocated me. I would be helpless and unable to do anything to prevent the violence. He'd laugh as he toyed with me, knowing there was no way I could defend myself. He'd keep me where he'd put me, watch me struggle as I tried to breathe, and he'd enjoy watching me choke for air. Even if he killed me, he'd only revive me in order to do the same thing again, and again, and again. I tried to pull away, facing demons from the past as I also faced dangers in the present.
The burn from the mark he had given me vanished.
"He can manipulate and work around my abilities." Gabriel sounded shaken when he admitted, "He already has."
"You can't control her thoughts anymore?" Peter, who usually remained so neutral and calm, expressed very real alarm. "Can he kick you out of her mind?"
"I can't control anything like I used to. I used up a solid portion of my strength to keep her calm on the ride home. I had to alter her perception to keep her distracted. Her mind is a sandstorm."
The master vampire didn't like giving the concession.
He called on our mark another time, demanding I respond but in a different way. This time he wanted me to sink into our feelings for each other. I did, ready to establish the link, wanting to know I belonged to him and he belonged to me. I went to my knees before him for a reason. He gave my life meaning.
The knowledge wasn't at all like before.
The connection felt wrong, putrid, and foul.
The tether between us tried to capture me, but I forced it back, retreating into my head. I took shelter in the closet I ventured to in childhood when Ray had tried to get to me. It was dark here. I could see danger coming. I would protect myself because I had no other choice. I was ready to kill anyone or anything that came at me.
The swarm went away, and everything changed.
It took several seconds for me to recognize my location. I was in the one place that allowed anyone an opinion, the only area in the residence where agreements and arguments were always considered and heard.
The family room.
I was with those who loved me.
I was safe.
"Are you safe, Rhiannon Murphy? Are you really?" A voice I wanted to forget caressed my mind, talking to me like a lover. Lucifer touched me, his grimy fingers drifting over my mark and down my shoulder. "Will you ever be safe again? Is what you're seeing real or fake? Or are you like sweet Jenny? Have you lost your mind too?"
Goose kneeled in front of us and reached out to me.
I didn't like him so close, invading my personal space.
Those who came at me like that only had bad intentions.
I saw him changing even now, his sweet smile turning into an evil sneer. He'd engage me with trust and friendship. Then he'd take advantage of me because he knew I loved him. I thought about launching myself at him, seeing him as an enemy, wanting to take him down before he had the chance to do his worst. I'd claw his eyes out, bash his head against the ground, and bury the blade at my back into his throat.
Something solid slammed into my head.
A fact based in absolute truth.
Goose would never harm me on purpose. The necromancer would sacrifice himself first. When Gabriel hurt me and I had nowhere to go, I'd crashed on Goose's couch. He made breakfast for me, offered me a shoulder to lean on, and promised we'd always be friends regardless of family issues. I could talk to him about anything. He might not agree with my point of view, but he'd still listen. He didn't understand me, but he wanted to. He always had. I was something he couldn't wrap his head around but admired nonetheless.
Hurting him would be like hurting a harmless innocent.
The fight drained from me, and I struggled to breathe.
His hand landed on Gabriel's arm but a finger rested on my hand. "Tell us the rest. We can't help if we don't know what's going on. Why is she like this?"
"He's stealing her energy and whispering to her like a shadow in the night. He's turning her against me and corrupting her will as we speak," Gabriel said quietly, although rage filtered through his mind to me. He wanted to deny what was happening, but he couldn't. He'd been in my head when the dark suggestions landed. He'd experienced them. "She fought him, and he's slowly wearing her down for doing it. He wants her to suffer before she goes. He's creating things in her mind that will never exist. He's tearing her apart." There was heavy emotion in the statement. The mark indicated he wanted to rage and become violent. If he could, he'd demolish everything before him. He’d pulled himself together, but his outward calm was just for show. He was as unsettled by my false thinking as I was. The ideas in my head ate him up inside since he viewed and witnessed everything. "This is just the start. Things might get worse."
"How much worse?" Goose asked somberly and placed his hand on my forehead as though he was checking for a fever. "What does that mean? What's he doing to her?"
"He's tempting her to kill herself. He planted the idea, and he's daring her to take the next step. He's fueling the notion with the things she's endured and is replacing our faces with those she fears. He's building her terror and waiting for it to happen so her soul will go directly to him."
So that's what it is.
I heard chaos in the family room but blocked it out.
I couldn't kill myself. God might forgive me for a lot, but I didn't think He'd ever forgive willing suicide. If I went that route, I was good and fucked. My death would deliver me to the Lord of Hell on a platter.
Demons crept back up in my mind, only this time I heard their awful shrieking and jests. They surrounded me in their never-ending desolation, backing me into the small closet I'd tried to take shelter in, threatening to eat me whole. Left with nothing else, I hunkered down and prayed. I screamed internally, trying to find a safe place to brace for the attack.
I hoped He would hear me.
He'd welcomed me before, and He would again.
God help me.
Please. Help me.
Despite my prayers, the thoughts in my head damned me.
My stomach bottomed out as I traveled back through time, replaying moments I didn't want to recall. Lucifer picked the ones that gave me the worst nightmares. Jenny hearing the front door of the house opening, aware Ray was coming home and had one thing on his mind. Her telling me to hide and warning me that it was time, reminding me not to make a sound as she slid from the guest bedroom to take on a role she didn't ask for. The sounds of sex in the bedroom next to my hiding place as a record played in the background. I knew the shelter would never be enough. I was next, and he always came for me. He'd thrust me down, tell me to stay still, and he'd devour the good parts of me until nothing remained.
The mark flared again. When it did, there was no comfort to be found. God had forsaken me, turning me away, and why wouldn't He? I was a wretched person who didn't deserve His time or interest. He had better people to worry about.
Everything could end if I wanted it to.
It wouldn't be so hard.
Sucker was right there. The blade was powerful and sharp.
If the dagger it could kill a demon, it could kill me.
"Do it, Rhiannon Murphy," Lucifer goaded me and laughed. "You know you want to."
The connection vanished again, and Gabriel's hands moved, making sure I couldn't follow through with the compulsion. I was relieved until the taunts returned, screaming in my head, reminding me I could still do it if I really wanted. I could end things once and for all. I could find peace. I could go where all souls venture when they depart.
It could all end here and now.
It could all be over.
My fingers itched for the blade, but I couldn't reach the dagger. My arms were trapped against my side and chest. Still, despite that, Lucifer's voice chimed in my head, telling me my time would come and, when it did, I could take the easy way out.
It would make everything so much better
.
I only had to make it happen.
It would only take a single blow.
Chapter Twelve
I shifted my body as I woke, finding myself sluggish in a very noticeable and debilitating way. My arms and legs were heavy and achy. I licked my lips and winced at my serious case of cottonmouth. My brain was foggy, and I had to take a moment to remember what had happened.
When I'd become so determined to end things that Gabriel couldn't take my madness anymore, he'd carried me upstairs. Goose had been right with him, trying to comfort me. They'd removed my weapons and forced a bitter concoction down my throat, making sure I swallowed every drop, and cleaned my face afterward. Then Gabriel had climbed onto the bed, wrapped his body around mine, and told me to close my eyes.
I'd fought the compulsion and request, aware I had to get away from him. I needed to end things immediately. If I let him, he would trap me, keep me, and torture me. That thought had faded in minutes and a warm haze surrounded me. The fogginess beckoned and caused my entire body to float. As that transpired, Gabriel had played with my hair, brushing his fingers through the strands, promising he'd take care of me as he placed his lips against my brow. The welcome world of sleep had eventually become too tempting, causing me to forget why I shouldn't rest, and I'd struggled to keep my eyes open.
Drugs.
No wonder I felt so shitty.
Someone sat in a chair beside the bed. I had to swipe my hands over my eyes, clearing away the sleep, to make out a face. When I got a visual, I realized Adrian had come to the room. He hadn't changed his clothing, which was now wrinkled. His mahogany hair was messy, and his sapphire blue eyes had taken on a glazed sheen I knew very well.
He was using his ability, looking forward in time.
I recalled my earlier tantrum with shame. At one point, I'd found enough energy to try to break free from Gabriel. He'd had to tackle me to keep me from my weapons. None of them had liked seeing me so crazed. Adrian obviously wanted to make sure my suicidal tendencies weren't going to cause a problem. Nala stood beside him, also in the attire she'd been in when I'd come home.
She met my gaze, came closer, and crouched. "Your aura is better."
"No rips or tears?" If there were any, she'd see them. "Color's good?"
"Color is normal. Not a single rip or tear in sight." She visibly relaxed and placed a hand on Adrian's knee. His gaze didn't change, meaning he was still looking ahead, but he was aware she was there. "Gabriel was right. Rest really helped."
Thank you, Jesus. "What did they give me?"
"A sedative," she said quietly, like she thought I'd get angry. While she was normally sweet, she was also protective. "It wasn't easy for them to do it, and they didn't have a choice. They wanted to give you what you needed even if they didn't want to. You're not going to give Gabriel or Ethan a hard time." Not a request but a demand. Yep, she was defending those she loved, which was why I liked her so much. She'd do the same for me. "They only wanted to help. We all do."
"Nope, no hard time." Not at all. The awful thoughts in my head were gone, even though I remembered them vividly. I'd take whatever they gave me if that meant I'd maintain control of myself. "I'll thank them later."
"You should. They've been through a lot."
I was well aware. I'd seen what Paine's death had done to them.
They didn't want to lose another member of the family.
"How long have they been scheming?" I spoke with humor, hoping she'd follow along and relax. "From what I remember from this morning, things have been in the works for a while."
"We've been talking to Gabriel the past couple of months. Ethan made most of the communication possible. He swore fealty to him when he entered the family. That kind of bond is strong and everlasting." Her tone returned to normal. "They're in the office right now, talking to the people who are at sites. As soon as Marigold is found, you'll end your debt."
"The sooner, the better."
She started to say something but stopped.
I didn't like the hesitation because Nala often told me things I needed to know. Even if she wasn't supposed to. I'd discovered so much because of her. She didn't completely follow Gabriel's rules. I'd learned she'd become part of the family five decades prior, after she met Adrian and they'd fallen in love. She hadn't come into the fold because her abilities were a potential asset. Therefore, she was used to being overlooked in favor of those with more useful powers.
"Tell me what you were about to say." I looked her in the eye and pushed for more. There was something I needed to know, and she wanted to share. "If it's important and I need to know, make it happen. You can't get pissed at me if I do the wrong thing because I'm in the dark."
Her attention drifted to charm around my neck. "Lucifer is latching onto you through the amulet. That's how he's keeping those nasty thoughts going and draining your energy." I reached down, ready to pull the necklace off, when she said, "Even if you don't wear it, he'll be able to find you. That thing has found who it wants to wear it, so a link will always exist. If you want him to go away, the amulet has to be destroyed."
That's it? No fucking problem.
I let the charm rest in my hand and said, "Then let's do it."
That seemed to surprise her. "You're not going to argue?"
"Fuck this thing," I said, glowering at the glowing chunk of amber with a black teardrop center. The talisman allowed me to do things I once cared about, healing me and making me stronger, allowing me to control vampires and barrel through time. The jewel had also assisted Gabriel, keeping him hidden. But we'd suffered so much as a consequence of the magic. Now, in this time and place, fully aware of where the stone had been created, I wanted Marigold's cursed charm gone. That was a new and strange line of thinking as I'd done everything I could to keep the necklace in the past. "It's caused everyone enough misery."
"Only one person can demolish and eliminate its power," she said solemnly.
"Then we'll take it to them." I wouldn't shed a tear when the cursed thing was gone. I pictured myself in a cheerleading outfit, clapping and shaking pom-poms at the one who could get it done. Ra-ra ree, kick it in the knee. Ra-ra rass, kick it in the ass. I shifted my body, finding that the sedative seemed to release its grip with each passing minute. I tossed my legs over the side of the bed and placed my bare feet on the carpet, ready to rock. "Let's get it done. Time's a wasting."
She laughed under her breath, and the tension in the room faded. "We have to find her grave first, Rhiannon. The creator is the only destroyer. The amulet can't be unmade by anyone else."
Ah, Marigold. You bitch.
Things were never simple or easy. I put the necklace back on. "Figures."
Adrian took a deep breath.
I looked at him and watched his eyes return to normal. He shook his head and blinked several times. "I've looked into the next few hours." He was aware I'd woken because he'd seen what came next. He'd also be cognizant of what I would be doing before I did. He placed his hand over Nala's as he returned to real-time but gave me an odd look. "Unless something comes from nowhere, you won't go at yourself again. You'll have other things on your mind."
Interesting. "What kind of things?"
He cleared his throat and lowered his gaze. "You'll see."
"Do you want to shower and change?" Nala asked.
Since they were in the same clothing, it was only fair I was too. "I just need to pull up my hair and brush my teeth."
I climbed out of bed and reached out for the one person I needed most.
If anyone could keep me centered, it was the vampire I'd bound myself to. I’d done the same thing upon waking while on The Minnow, needing to know he was nearby. At first, the awareness between us had been strange and scary. I'd taken a lot of time to adjust, asking him to give me space the first few weeks. Now I didn't care that he could latch onto my emotions and thoughts. That connection meant everything to me.
To my shock, he wasn't there.
My m
ind was my own.
"Uh, no. No, no, no," I said to myself, aware of why the bond had been cut, marching to the bathroom. He'd severed the mark because he thought he had to. He had no other choice since he believed his presence was toxic and deadly. "That's not happening."
"What's not happening?" Nala questioned, following me.
I didn't answer, going to the sink. I grasped my toothbrush, put on some paste, and got to work. I scrubbed my teeth so hard my gums would bleed. I glanced at her, peered around, and found the brush and elastics nestled next to the towels. I let go of the toothbrush but kept the bristles trapped between my teeth as I went to pull up my hair. I didn't bother making the job look good, focused only on getting the strands away from my face.
Lucifer could fuck with me, but I wouldn't let him hurt Gabriel.
I yanked the long pieces into place and prepared to leave.
What I had to do wouldn't be easy.
So much damage had already been done.
The Master of Hell had poisoned the mark I carried. But he'd had more than one victim when he'd spread bad thoughts through my mind, feeding so many lies into me they'd trickled over to the vampire who had also been in my head. I'd absorbed everything when the darkness had consumed me, but I hadn't understood the sexual visions. I thought he'd chosen them to upset me, but he'd known he'd hit more than one target. Lucifer took on Gabriel's role in many of the macabre thoughts, turning something beautiful into a very ugly and nasty thing.
Gabriel had been as violated as I had.
The one I loved had been given impressions through me, so altered and distorted he'd abandoned the one thing he wanted and needed because he believed that was the right thing to do. The need to dominate and control me, to him, was a very vile part of himself. He thought he should have kept that awful craving contained. In his mind, that way of loving me made him no better than the Lord of Hell. He'd forced me to become something I didn't want to be. He'd inserted his will on someone who didn't want it. Before he'd tucked me in, a repeated mantra kept going through his head.
"You did this to her." Lucifer chanted with delight. "You're the reason she's like this."
