by J. A. Saare
He thought he was demented and repulsive because Lucifer told him he was.
Play with me all you want, fucker, but never him.
Gabriel didn't create this mess, even though he now believed he did.
I swished water in my mouth, spat into the sink, placed the toothbrush into the holder above, and met my gaze in the mirror. Lucifer only had power over me if I offered myself to him. He only got away with shit because he'd chosen repulsive memories that made me lose my head. I shoved away from the counter, meeting my mismatched eyes in the reflective surface. Bane was right. I didn't back down from anything. I did things when I wanted to, governed by my own rules and laws. Nothing could influence me unless I allowed it.
I backed away slowly, looking at myself.
I was me, but not.
That was how he'd gotten to Gabriel.
Lucifer had used Marigold to gain an advantage.
He'd ventured down a path he never should have seen. I'd been attached to the mind of someone who would see and feel things too. She'd felt my love for Gabriel when Paine had been killed and Gabriel had been hurt. Lucifer had clung to those ties, used them, and sullied them. As I rushed from the bathroom, I recalled the thoughts I'd had earlier in the day. Each was awful and lethal, trying to change me into something I wasn't—a runner and quitter who cut her losses and got the fuck out when shit hit the fan. I'd been so consumed by the idea I'd made the notions a part of me.
In much the same way, Lucifer had darkened Gabriel's tendencies.
The ominous entity had warped our perception. Lucifer manipulated our desires and made them offensive. He'd created damage that had the potential to last, harming both of us as he did. Only Lucifer didn't know Gabriel or me. The bastard had no idea. We hated as intensely as we loved, in a way that had the power to put anyone in their place. You could dick us over and we'd let certain things slide, but you didn't start something with those we cared about.
Adrian rose when I rushed out of the bathroom, seeming prepared. I didn't stop even when Nala called out, letting my momentum take charge.
There was someone important I needed to talk to.
Adrian had already looked ahead and knew what was coming. He could explain things to Nala. I wasn't embarrassed. I wanted them all to understand how much I adored the head of their family. Everyone had to experience and see the gospel to understand the way I loved my vampire. I'd slogged through death and madness to get to him, and I'd do the same thing again if I had to. We wouldn't be deceived by a nasty fuck playing mind games in Hell.
My place was beside Gabriel Trevellian, the Master of New York.
I'd tampered with fate to keep him with me.
It was high time he recalled the fact.
I didn't bother with socks or my boots, leaving the room just as I was.
I scurried down the hallway and came to the stairs. I didn't want to mess with them, going to the banister. I leapt over the railing and landed in the foyer connected to the family room and front door. The amulet turned me into something I never should have been, ensuring I landed perfectly and didn't suffer a bit of damage. I'd have thanked the charm before. Not so now. I kept up my steady pace. I turned in the direction I needed to go and stormed forward.
I entered the hallway that led to Gabriel's office.
I heard him talking to Goose.
Landon and Corey stood just outside and were looking over one of Goose's maps. When their gazes landed on me, they stepped back, giving me plenty of room. I wondered if they were afraid to be anywhere near me after my bout with madness. My heart was pounding, reminding me of a bird flapping its wings against its cage. Gabriel had to remember why we were meant for each other. Our love would always remain mighty, but there was more to it. We filled a void in each other.
That kind of thing couldn't be replicated or replaced.
Not even by the Lord of Hell.
"Get out, Ethan," I ordered as I strode into the room and placed my total attention on the one person who meant everything to me. Gabriel had removed his coat and looked unkempt and fatigued. His gaze drifted up and met mine. The light in his stunning blue eyes had gone out, and I wanted to scream. I removed the amulet, took it firmly in hand, and threw it across the room. It hit the wall and landed on the ground. I kept my focus on the most important being in my world. I was the only person who could remove the doubt and concern on his face. "Leave us alone."
Goose wanted to argue, that was obvious in his posture and expression.
He might think I'd lost my mind, so I kept my voice level. "I need to talk to him. Leave us alone, please."
A woman who wanted to kill herself wouldn't be able to decipher requests from absolute demands. I hoped Goose recognized that. He got the drift, moving away from the desk, but he watched me closely. I could see him studying me from the corner of my eye. Despite that, I focused on the one who'd severed our mark and left me empty. I didn't move as Goose breezed by me to leave. The door behind me closed with a snick.
"You're mine," I said softly, studying the vampire in front of me, tossing his own statement right back at him. "I traveled through time to make it so, and I'd do it again. No one can have you unless I say so. You only leave if I tell you that you can. If you do it without permission, I'll never forgive you."
He jerked like I'd wounded him. "You don't know what you're saying."
"Is that a no?" I demanded, striding toward him, consumed with fury and determination. I made it to him and reached for the loose collar at his throat. "It sounds like one. You know how I feel about those."
"Rhiannon?" He sounded like he'd seen a ghost.
He had to know what he did to me wasn't wrong because I was about to show him how his dominance made my world safe and secure. He'd finally understand because I could make him. He'd understand how glorious that kind of release was. I did what he said because he always gave me the freedom of choice.
"Who else did you expect?" I asked and took several steps back. I yanked my camisole off. "Get your ass in that chair. Do it now," I ordered, pointing at the furniture as I tossed the garment away. I'd been denied this not so long ago. "You go there and stay there. Get yourself ready for me."
He hesitated, and my temper blew a fuse.
This wasn't the same person I'd given myself to on The Minnow. That vampire would have put me in my proper place, told me how I'd displeased him, and I'd have been happy about it. I'd do whatever he asked or instructed. When we were intimate in that way, I didn't have to worry about anything, handing the reins to someone who would cater to my every want and need. I collected my thoughts, trying to think of the best way to go about things.
If I delved too deep, he'd bolt. I didn't want him to run.
I didn't know how to proceed. I welcomed the places he put me, yearning to discover each one, but I wasn't wired like he was. He assumed a position I longed for but didn't fully understand because my needs were the opposite of his.
Swamped with uncertainty, I faced him.
"You go there, or you tell me where to go." My voice cracked, my resolve breaking. I was close to tears. The steady burn in my eyes made my vision blur. Damn it. Soon my agony would find a weak spot in the fence, spring loose, and venture down my cheeks. I hoped he'd tell me where he wanted me to be because I didn't plan on leaving until he accepted that what transpired between us was entirely mutual. "You belong to me, and I belong to you. Tell me. Say it."
He was afraid to. His tortured eyes revealed his torment.
"For fuck's sake. I need to hear you say it." I inhaled, finding I had drainage in my nose that made my voice distort. "I need to hear it, Gabriel. I have to." I collected myself as much as I could, somehow keeping my body upright. "I know what he did to you. I felt and saw it. I didn't know what it was until I woke up. Give me this if you can."
He met my gaze and said quietly, "You belong to me, and I belong to you."
"We belong to each other." He didn't fully understand what I wanted him to do. He had no
idea. "I'm here because I want to be here. I found my purpose when I took my place at your side." I remembered what I'd told him many times before, somehow aware he needed the reminder. "You are my anchor in turbulent waters. If you let me go, I'll be on my own. I'll never find my way back."
I'll never find my way home.
"Come to me," he whispered as light returned to his eyes.
I did, even though my legs wobbled. I went to my knees when I made it, lifted my face, and stared up at him. "Give it back," I said with a frog in my throat, finding it hard to speak. "Don't take it away. I want it."
I need it.
The connection resurfaced as tears painted my cheeks.
I embraced a very welcome awareness in my head.
The merging of our minds felt amazing.
Our gazes remained locked, and I let him go through my memories. He was afraid to venture into them, aware of how dark they could be. He'd been burned before and remembered how hot the fire could be. Despite that, he continued, wanting to see if my declaration was real or fiction, trying to understand and give me what I needed. Only this time, there was no enemy at the gates to hinder the progress as he swept through the awakening that had brought me to him.
Like this, he uncovered all.
"Can you see what's going on in my head? Do you know why we feel this way for each other?" I asked, sniffing because my nose had started running as soon as I let my emotions take over. Wet trails streamed over my cheeks and down my chin. Only one thing mattered to me—the vampire I'd stumbled across and initially wanted to run from. I wasn't afraid of him or what I once thought he represented. The only thing that frightened me was losing him. "You mean everything to me. Don't leave me alone."
He kneeled beside me. "I'm here."
He lifted his hand, ready to wipe my tears away. When I experienced the soft brush of his chilled fingers against my temple, I let myself go. I cried good and hard, sobbing like the pansy bitch I'd become as I collapsed against him. I didn't care. I could do this in front of him. He'd never judge me or tell me I was stupid or weak. He understood my pain because he experienced everything right along with me. He'd held me for over a week on The Minnow and absorbed my misery and chaos, taking it into himself. He'd done so without complaint because I'd put myself into his keeping. He took the role seriously. Due to that, I followed his direction, knowing he always considered me when making decisions. Every choice he made would be carefully weighed and measured.
He'd rescued me even when I hadn't known it.
In many ways, I'd rescued him too.
"I understand," he informed me, bringing his hands around to pull me closer to him. He seemed like himself when I assumed the place in his arms that had always given me comfort. "He won't take this from us." He stroked my face, keeping my head nestled beneath his chin. "I won't let him let him again."
"Promise me." I held him tight, knowing how easy it was for Lucifer to corrupt things. I worried Gabriel would toss me aside, and I was terrified to let him go. "It's nothing but lies."
"I promise, love," he said, sounding like he'd discovered his next move on the board that would give him a win. He wasn't under the thrall of darkness any longer. "He can try, but it won't happen. I understand now."
Knowing he meant it, I let everything go.
The grief, rage, pain, and loathing I'd carried for years shattered and broke apart.
Go away. You are no longer welcome here.
I screamed in my head but made no sound. Doing so was a release, removing toxins that had multiplied and spread like cancer through my soul after Jenny and Paine died. The intrusive thoughts had no place in the new life I'd made for myself. The awful feelings exited my body along with a pitiful cry, finding freedom at last, and allowed me to let go of the girl that had to vanish to make way for the woman who was ready to take her place.
I clutched at Gabriel as the shadows lifted and fell away.
The Prince of Darkness had made a mistake. He hadn't let me stumble and fall on my own, which would have been a direct hit. I'd always been my own harshest critic. Instead, he'd stirred the pot, letting me fester, and he'd gone about it in the wrong way.
There was one rule he'd missed. A big one.
You never trifled with my heart.
Lucifer fucked with more than me by plucking terrible memories out of the ground. He'd also fucked with Gabriel. He found and fed on wretched thoughts, bringing them forward because we'd allowed him to do so. He'd seen our fears and multiplied them, making them so much larger than they ever were or needed to be. He made them seem so obtrusive and repulsive, we couldn't possibly stand a chance. The absolute authority in madness had taken the easy route, one that allowed me to look several moves ahead.
As soon as the mark between Gabriel and me had been broken, I realized I would do anything to keep it. I would also try to prevent the same thing from happening in the future. Five months on the Minnow had created unshakable impressions and solid memories of a man turned vampire. This gentle yet impossibly strong being could break me if he wanted but never did. Despite it all, he was someone who had a moral compass and did everything in his power to be honorable. He wanted to possess me, but he knew I had to let him. He had to have my permission. It wouldn't happen otherwise. He understood how my mind functioned. He had to work for what he wanted, gaining and keeping my trust, and he had.
Lucifer couldn't possess me, especially now.
I had my lucky charm again, and he held me in a way that showed the depth of his feelings. The mark pulsed between us, stronger somehow, full of power and purpose. There was no evil coming from our connection this time. Purity and radiance had taken venom's place.
As Gabriel comforted me, he saw what I wanted most.
He shifted to unlatch his belt. He worked the leather free, let it dangle like he'd done not so long ago, and stopped when he made it to the button keeping his slacks in place. I heard the demons in his mind rouse and come to life. They taunted him through our mark, trying to persuade him, attempting to twist his mind as he tried to give me what I'd asked for.
They wanted to deceive him as much as they had me.
"Don't take this away from me," I whispered, desperate to remind him who mattered in our strange and unique equation. I let him go and moved so I could place my hand over his heart as I inched my way down his body. "I need you to hold on to."
He wasn't using sex to assert control or dominance over me. He saw what I needed, sensing my craving for intimacy, and reacted. We found solace, comfort, and understanding in each other. Like this, we knew where things would go. He no longer felt terrible about himself, and I wouldn't let him venture into those tempestuous thoughts again.
Doing so meant this was dirty and wrong.
I swiped at my face, wanting the moisture on my cheeks to go away, and shifted into the open area between his thighs. He unclasped the button at his waist, lowered his zipper, and pulled his pants back. He reclined against the wall and placed a steady hand on the slope of my neck.
I took his length in my hand and lowered my head.
This was ours and ours alone.
We were beautiful together, a perfect match.
Right then and there, we both knew it.
Chapter Thirteen
My necromancy-sense tingled as I crossed the threshold of the large house that was used as a family rental for vacations near Jersey. The vibration wasn't completely unpleasant but created a humming inside me. I embraced the sensation, knowing the vibration would guide me. I'd be able to do my job faster if I didn't resist. I had the ability to identify a residual's movement if I tried to and, since the one I wanted moved in a constant path, allowing that part of my necromancy to take over might make things faster.
I looked around, taking in the place as the floor creaked. I made sure the ground beneath me was solid. A couple of stomps didn't do squat, providing immediate relief. The foundation had been laid more than a hundred years before, and Scott had remodeled much of the i
nterior. The outside might have a vintage appearance, but the interior didn't. Nothing appeared used or dated, and I could smell fresh paint, meaning he continued with renovations. I stopped in the small entranceway, wondering if he'd need to show me anything at all.
The juju was incredibly strong in the place.
"I'm going to need this," I told Gabriel, pulling my hand from his.
He shot me a sideways glance. "As long as you give it back."
A shower with me and a change of clothing had done him good. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck, hook a foot behind his ankle, and tackle him. Our time in the office had been all I wanted, reaffirming our adoration and need for each other. But I’d sensed a slight hesitation and concern after the deed was done. He worried I'd descend into madness once again, bring up what we'd done, and tell him he was a deviant because he'd caved to his desires. I wanted that elephant out of the room and was determined to kick its ass as soon as possible.
Unfortunately, Scott had followed us in, and he'd brought Tippie and Joshua to watch me work. He thought I'd fail, and I didn't know why. To make things worse, I'd also been forced to bring emotional security. Adrian and Nala had stopped on the porch, but they'd move if I did, keeping me in their line of sight. I'd also asked my favorite necromancer if he wanted to tag along.
This was something that we used to do together and, despite the utter chaos in my life and things I needed to do, I wanted to things return to normal. Bane had told me the job could wait, but when Gabriel had called him to say I was ready to take care of Scott's problem, Bane already seemed to know I'd show up as expected. Truth be told, I needed the distraction. I'd been looking at maps and reading things all day, but none of that would matter until Marigold's resting place was found. Knowing that truth made the clock seem like a ticking time bomb.
I glanced over my shoulder, looking at Goose. "You ready?"
"Of course," he answered and hurried over.
Excitement oozed from him. This was a first time, and my homie just loved those. While he'd seen remnants in the past, he'd never done any hocus-pocus on them. He didn't have the ability to view things as I did, so we had to be touching so he could experience the event. He was so giddy I'd experience a punch of happiness from him. His delight would travel through his eager little self and burst through me like a rocket.
