Seeking Refuge

by Lenora Worth

  Tobias tried to hide his shock, but Abram caught it. “You didn’t know. Of course, you wouldn’t. A barn fire. A horrible accident.”

  Tobias let that soak in. “But Josiah is their son.”

  “Ja, he returned to fix the place up to sell, but Gott had other plans. Josiah fell in love with Raesha Bawell and they have two children. A sweet girl named Dinah and a son named Daniel.”

  Two children. Tobias wanted children. He and Josie had talked about having several. But Josie was living with her brother and his wife, alone and still single.

  At least he could be thankful for that.

  But was she still single because she loved him? Or was she alone because she didn’t want to be with anyone?

  He wanted to know more. “I hear Josiah’s sister lives there with them, too.”

  “She does,” Abram said, looking away. “She is a companion to Raesha’s mother-in-law, Naomi. Both Raesha’s and Naomi’s husbands died—years apart—and the two women clung to each other. Josiah fell for Raesha.” He paused, gave Tobias a strange glimpse. “Josiah found Josie and brought her home. She has been back now for about two years or so.”

  Tobias didn’t ask anything else. Abram might become suspicious. But he had to wonder where Josie had been the year after she’d left Kentucky. Somehow, he’d have to find that out to understand what had happened to make her leave him in the first place.

  Because sending her flowers was one thing, but trying to win her trust enough that she would tell him the truth would be a big challenge.

  As the bishop had said, the Amish didn’t discuss such things. But how many people in this community knew Josie’s secrets?

  * * *

  Josie couldn’t stop staring at the flowers.

  She’d found a vase and placed them on the small dining table where she and Naomi ate most of their meals. Josie liked to cook and Naomi enjoyed coaching her. Sometimes Raesha would join in and they’d take the meal over to the big house so Josiah could test the food. Those times made Josie smile because she felt loved and a part of something, a part of a strong family.

  She thought about Tobias. Did he have any family left? Josiah hadn’t mentioned much about him beyond Tobias wanting to buy their old home. Why would he leave Kentucky and everyone he knew to come here?

  Because you are here.

  That voice in her head gave her hope, but Josie banished that hope before it could take hold of her heart. These beautiful, colorful flowers also gave her hope, and yet she remembered when she and Josiah were growing up. No flowers around the house and no cut flowers inside the house. Stark, sterile, plain. That was how their father had expected things to stay. No books other than the Bible, no magazines or even newspapers. Her mamm heard news only when she went to church, and even then, her daed frowned on idle chatter.

  After Josiah had taken her to Ohio, Josie had delighted in the wildflowers that sprouted out of the earth in a field beyond their uncle’s house. She had been afraid to pick any until Josiah told her it was okay to do so.

  She always kept a small vase of flowers in her room there, and when she’d gone with friends to Kentucky, she’d done the same after she’d decided she didn’t want to return to Ohio. Tobias learned of her love for flowers and he’d often supplied her with colorful blooming plants or fresh-cut flowers.

  The same way he’d done today.

  “Are you expecting those blossoms to jump out of the water?” Naomi asked as she rolled her wheelchair to the table.

  Josie whirled away from staring at the flowers, remembering their chicken-noodle casserole should be ready by now. “Neh, just trying to figure out who sent them.”

  “I believe you know the answer to that question.”

  “I think I do,” Josie admitted. “But I can’t be sure.”

  Naomi fussed with the white napkins on the table. “This man seems determined to win you back, Josephine. He’s found work, according to what you heard and saw in town, which means he’s staying here indefinitely. I don’t think he’ll give up on that house next door or on you, especially not on you.”

  Josie checked on the small casserole and took it out of the oven. “He can’t have either.”

  Naomi waited, her hands in her lap, as Josie set the steaming casserole on the blue floral pot holder she’d placed on the table earlier. “So you won’t consider asking him if he made this kind gesture?”

  “I do not want to talk to him.”

  “You could send him a note.”

  “Are you trying to get Tobias and me back together?”

  “I’m only telling you to mind your manners. We thank people for kind deeds. I know you love flowers. Apparently, so does Tobias.”

  “What if he didn’t send the flowers? Wouldn’t that make thanking him a problem?”

  “I believe Tobias sent the flowers,” Naomi said on a firm note.

  Josie poured tea and sat down. Naomi lowered her head and said her quiet prayer. Josie tried to do the same. But how did she pray for two different outcomes? She wanted Tobias to go away. She prayed he’d stay.

  Because one thing stood out for her. She’d resented Josiah for leaving her and her mother alone with their father. He’d come back for her only after their parents had died. But Josie had not been kind to her brother and she’d defiantly refused to return from Kentucky during her rumspringa.

  She’d stayed there to make the point with her brother that she didn’t need him, and because she’d fallen in love with Tobias.

  But another thing shouted at her now: Tobias had been the only person she’d ever known who had become her champion, her protector, the one person in the world she could trust to never leave her behind. Tobias had planned a life with her, a life where they followed the tenets of their faith together.

  But one night had changed all of that.

  “Always,” she’d told him.

  “Always,” he’d repeated.

  And in turn, she’d had to leave him behind. She’d left, heartbroken and full of shame, but she knew she’d broken his heart, too, in doing so. And yet he’d found her and he’d come to her hoping they could reconcile. After all she’d done to him.

  “Child?”

  Josie lifted her head, her eyes open. “Sorry, Mammi Naomi.”

  “Do not apologize for spending quiet time in your prayers,” Naomi said. “You have a lot to pray about.”

  Josie nodded and lifted the creamy noodles and chunky chicken to her lips. Naomi was right, as usual. She needed to pray about all of this and consider her ways. Gott had guided her back home, despite her sins and her mistakes. Maybe He’d guided Tobias back to her, too.

  Now she just needed to figure out how to handle that without revealing her terrible secret. Because she couldn’t tell the man she’d always love that one of his Englisch friends had drugged her and abused her in the worst kind of way.

  Chapter Eight

  Tobias sat by the window in the cozy room Abram and Beth had rented to him. The big window looked out on the pastures and valleys. He could see the peaks of Green Mountain off in the distance. Josie had often talked about Green Mountain and how her big brother would take her up the trails to the top.

  Why hadn’t she told him about her parents dying in a barn fire? Maybe the trauma of that had somehow caught up with her, since she’d returned here to heal.

  He wanted to know what kind of healing she’d needed.

  But he’d only hear that from Josie since this community was tight-lipped about gossip.

  Sooner or later, he’d meet someone who didn’t mind explaining things. But he prayed Josie would tell him the truth without anyone else passing false rumors.

  Right now, he had to get to church. Abram and Beth had offered to let him ride with them. He needed church, and he held out hope he’d see Josie there, too. Would she smile across the aisle at him? Or
would she run away again?

  “Tobias, are you ready?”

  “Ja, Abram. Coming.”

  Tobias headed out the side door and met them on the back porch. “It is a good day to worship.”

  “You seem in a good mood,” Beth noted.

  Tobias liked Beth Schrock. She was bubbly and jolly and never seemed to have a bad day. But she noticed things other people never saw. Such as how he’d been moping around all weekend.

  “I am feeling hopeful,” he admitted. “I like it here. Pennsylvania is a beautiful state and this is a good community.”

  Beth adjusted her bonnet. “Then church is a good place to start.”

  He offered to drive the buggy and the happy couple immediately agreed.

  “You are spoiling us,” Abram said from behind him in the open buggy. “First, you walk into my shop and show me the kind of talent a furniture maker only dreams of. Now you help me with the milking and get up before I do to feed my chickens and goats. And Percy there—” he pointed to the high-spirited Percheron “—seems to think you’re his baby bruder or something.”

  “He has indeed taken a shine to you, Tobias,” Beth said in agreement.

  Tobias laughed over his shoulder, then turned to watch the narrow paved lane ahead. “Percy and I reached an understanding after we had a long talk in the barn the other day.” Laughing, he asked, “Now, where is church being held today?”

  “Oh, did I forget to tell you?” Abram asked, shrugging. “We’re going to the Bawell place. They have a large backyard.”

  * * *

  Josie tugged at her kapp and stared straight ahead. Katy sat down beside her and straightened her deep blue dress. “You look pretty, Josie.”

  Josie glanced at her friend, wishing she had Katy’s silky blond hair. “I feel drab next to you and all those curls.”

  Katy snorted. “I hate these curls, but we are not to be vain about that.”

  “I don’t have a vain bone in my body,” Josie admitted. “But I do have drab hair.”

  “Right now, with the sun coming through those big doors,” Katy said, motioning toward the back of the benches lined up underneath the shade of several mushrooming oaks, “the sun makes your hair look like dark gold. You need to know that you are beautiful in God’s eyes.”

  Josie smiled at her friend and then looked back since she loved seeing the sunshine shooting across the worship area. A group of men walked up and headed for the benches lining the other side, where the men sat separately from the women.

  “Tobias,” she said, before she could take it back.

  Katy’s blue eyes went wide. She turned to stare behind them. “The one you mentioned after you saw him in town?”

  Josie managed to nod, but she felt dizzy, her heart racing.

  “I should leave.”

  Katy’s hand on hers stopped her. “That would only make things worse.” Giving Josie a soft smile, she said, “I understand you don’t want to be around him, but if you run out of here, everyone will notice. People will talk, Josie.”

  Josie huddled against her friend, tears pricking her eyes. “About me? About Tobias?”

  She’d told Katy the whole truth on the buggy ride home—that she and Tobias had been engaged, but she’d left after another man had ruined her.

  Katy had looked shocked at first, and then she’d nodded and hugged Josie close. “No wonder you got so upset when you saw him. I will keep your secret, Josie. But you’ll have to deal with him being here.”

  Now her friend gave her a questioning stare. “They might get the wrong impression,” Katy said, her eyes filling with a meaningful warning. “That he might be the one.”

  “The baby’s...” She stopped and put a hand to her mouth. “I never thought about that. I told you the other day—he is not. That’s why I can’t be around him. What should I do?”

  Katy still held her hand. “You do what you need to do. You smile and stay kind. Being kind to a man you once loved is not a crime. In fact, it is the best thing you can do right now.”

  “And why is that?”

  “If you treat him like you do all the other men who’ve tried to court you, he’ll soon get the same message as they did.”

  Josie winced at that accurate description. “You have a good point.”

  “I always do,” Katy said, her pert nose in the air. “Now take a deep breath and try to listen to the service.”

  Josie inhaled, taking in the scents of fresh air and clean clothes, the spring air flowing over the long rows of benches cool on her warm cheeks. She took in whiffs of pot roast and baked rolls, familiar smells that came with eating dinner after church. “You’re right. If I act out, everyone will notice. I don’t want anyone to think badly of Tobias.”

  Katy sighed and gave her a knowing smile. “Because you still care about him, don’t you?”

  Josie couldn’t answer that question. But her friend bobbed her head. “That’s what I thought.”

  * * *

  “How are you?”

  Josie whirled from clearing the table where she’d sat with some of the other women during dinner.

  Tobias stood with a small bench balanced against his leg.

  “I am fine,” she responded, glad Raesha had taken the kinder inside to wash up. She did not want Tobias to see Dinah.

  “You look better today,” he said as he held the bench straight up next to him and watched her rake scraps off the table.

  Josie tried to catch her breath. “Did I look that awful the other day?”

  His gaze moved over her, warming her and chilling her at the same time. “You’ve always looked beautiful to me, Josie, but you were distraught and, honestly, you didn’t make sense. You know you can talk to me, right?”

  Josie stopped what she was doing and remembered none of this was his fault. “Did you send me flowers?”

  “If I say yes, will you be angry?”

  She studied him, taking her time to see him as a grown man now with broad, strong shoulders and a chiseled look that showed he was used to manual labor and hard work. “Neh, I would not be angry. But if you did send them, you should not do that again.”

  “Isn’t sending flowers a part of the courting ritual?”

  Josie’s stomach tightened, memories cutting through her. “We are not courting. I shouldn’t be talking to you, Tobias.”

  “Your brother told me it would be all right to say hello.”

  “My brother needs to mind his own business.”

  Tobias looked confused, but he didn’t leave. Instead, he glanced around the rolling acreage and then back at the house where several buggies were still parked while their owners went to tend to their horses and harness them to leave. “This is a nice place. I hope you’re happy here.”

  “I am.”

  She was as content as she could be, considering. Josie steeled herself against needing him, but having him so close made him hard to resist. So she focused on the sweet wind of late spring and tried to take soothing breaths.

  “I understand you don’t want me to buy your old home, but I don’t understand why.”

  “It would be difficult, Tobias.”

  “Why? You’re here, and now I’m here. I found you and I’d like us to get to know each other again.”

  “I already know you,” she said, remembering their time together, her heart pierced with the sweet memories. Before she could stop herself, she added, “I could never forget you.”

  “I can never forget you, either,” he said, his eyes bright with hope. “That is why I came to find you.”

  Josie felt panic rising in her stomach. “You shouldn’t have come here. I told you, we cannot be together.”

  He stepped closer. “Josie, if you could just tell me what happened. What went wrong?”

  “Josie?”

  She pivo
ted to see Katy waving to her. Inhaling to find her next breath, she said, “I have to go inside and help with the dishes. Denke for the flowers. They are very pretty.”

  Then she turned and hurried into the Bawell house as fast as she could. When she reached Katy, she grabbed her friend’s arm. “Denke. I was so afraid I’d say the wrong thing.”

  Katy shifted and slanted her head to one side while she stared at Tobias and then looked back to give Josie a sympathetic glance. “I don’t think you could say anything that would make that man go away, Josie. The way he looks at you is the way we all want a man to look at us—with love and longing, and respect.”

  “I do not deserve any of those things. And he deserves better.”

  Katy looped her arm in Josie’s as they headed inside the house. “I do not agree with that. You could be doing a great dishonor to a man who is trying to show you he wants to make amends.”

  “He didn’t do anything wrong,” Josie replied, her tone sounding defensive. She would defend Tobias even while she refused to hope for any future with him.

  Katy had other ideas. “Then you need to tell him that.”

  Josie heard her friend’s suggestion. “Why does everyone seem to want to push Tobias and me together?”

  Katy gave her another quiet stare. “Because maybe you two should be together?”

  Josie considered that and everything else that held her and Tobias apart. What would he do if he found out her secret?

  What if he went away forever?

  She didn’t think she could bear watching him walk away.

  But he’d had to bear her doing that very thing.

  “You’re right,” she told Katy after they’d tidied up the big kitchen while Raesha and some of the others went out for a stroll with the kinder. “I should at least apologize to Tobias for what I did.”

  “Is he still here?” Katy asked, looking outside.

  “I don’t know,” Josie said. “But I will go and look for him.”

  She dried her hands on a white towel, straightened her clothing and pushed at her hair. Right now, this very moment, she wanted nothing more than to be near Tobias again.

  Just to be near him.