by Nick James
Bunny showed off her pearly whites. ‘All good, my love. We were just watching something on TV and wanted your view on it,’ she said, picking up the remote control.
‘Get your mitts off, woman. I own that!’ my stupid mouth shouted. Then I felt the girls either side increase their grips. This felt weird. They were here in full battle rattle, but at least their tasers weren’t drawn. Once my one true love pressed play, there it was in perfect clarity: Karl Festa and the Morrissey’s, and me and Mike. ‘Shit!’
I could feel the vibrations of the two coppers trying to hold in their laughter as we all watched Mike quickly take out Leather Boy. Then there was me wrapping an accordion around the prick’s neck. At this point everybody was laughing so hard they were crying. I was crying on the inside. I looked at my friend Beth who was laughing so hard that she had a snot bubble going on.
‘Am I nicked?’ I asked.
Beth wiped her nose with her dainty hand, and then let the DNA carry on its journey onto my suit. ‘No, don’t know how though, but they’re not pressing charges. This has gone around all the stations. You’re a hit, Sammy.’ She chuckled and placed another kiss on my cheek.
I did see Bunny flash her a quick look, so it wasn’t long until Stoney escorted her friend and colleague out, leaving the footage behind.
‘I’m sorry, Bunny.’ I did mean it. I never meant to get caught. I was just glad there wasn’t any sound.
She hugged me. ‘I know, and I would be pissed off if you were arrested, but that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages.’ Bunny kissed me long and slow. ‘Now, come on, strip and wash me,’ she ordered before walking off with a sway of her hips.
Survived for another day, Sammy, my brain said happily. Good times.
Chapter 18
Tony (Tiger) Thompson
I was not feeling the best. It had been a fun weekend and somehow I woke up with ‘Susie Q woz ere’ tattooed on my arse cheek. I’ve seen a lot worse at these parties. But that’s what you get when you’re knocking boots with a woman who has a cast-iron metabolism and an evil streak a mile wide. Fair play, she did go to the sci-fi convention dressed as an Ewok. I went as a middle-aged Luke Skywalker. It did piss off a few geeks seeing Luke getting a blowey from an Ewok. Tough shit, it was fun, and we made it into the tabloids.
The day was tough because at some point I thought my face was falling off. But I thought today would be perfect to catch up on my paperwork at the local café. It only took them three hours to find me; they were getting better.
‘Tony, get back here. There’s a raid they want you to help out with,’ Sergeant Brenner said. He had phoned the café as I’d turned off all but my burner phone.
‘Fuck’s sake, Brenda. I’m too old for that shit,’ I said, and then heard the shift sergeant groan.
‘I warned you, fat boy, don’t call me that again. Get your moon of an arse back here now,’ Brenda said and hung up.
I chuckled. He was a good man really. But, on a cops’ night out, his wife had convinced him that a pink shirt was a good thing to wear, so suddenly ‘Brenda Brenner’ was born.
I got my shapely arse into my car and picked up my Suzie Q phone. ‘Hey, Suzie. Going on a raid. Get some boys in a van ready, you never know,’ I said quickly as I played kill a cat with my car. Sorry, puss.
There was silence for a minute. ‘Okay, baby. You stay safe, fat boy.’ She giggled.
‘Oh, and thanks for the tattoo, you little sexy bitch,’ I shot back, making her giggle even harder. She was still laughing as I drove to the station.
‘I own your ass now, fat boy,’ she finally answered, then hung up. It wasn’t Romeo and Juliet, but we were good together.
With a good sweat on I walked into the station and blew a kiss at Brenda. I received the bird back. I went off to the briefing room and listened to thirty minutes of drivel: Be strong but not violent. If they have guns, don’t shoot unless threatened. I rolled my eyes. If the little pricks have a gun, they should go down – and hard. After all, I’m a big target.
‘Right, as soon as the breaching is done and we have all the residents in cuffs, old SlimFast over there will lead the search team,’ said the comedy inspector, making the room chuckle.
‘Careful you don’t get a splinter from your desk, guv,’ I shot back.
The room did quieten down. They all knew not to push me; you don’t take the piss out of officers.
‘Good point about splinters. Watch your arse going through the door,’ the inspector said, trying to defuse the tension, especially as I laughed.
It did concern me that this could be an internal affairs sting, but then again I have friends and drinking buddies around the force. After getting all the details, I popped for a Jimmy Riddle and texted Suzie Q the address: Princess, 47 Nile Road, Barking. Park out the back, Tiger.
Soon we were on our way in three white vans along with a dog unit. Normally, these things are done in the early mornings before the sun and myself are up. Guess these are lazy boys, I thought as I watched the breaching boys go running and breaking everything possible. One little rubber-necked sod jumped out of the window and ran off in just his boxers. ‘Fucking ’ell, check out Johnny Long Legs,’ I shouted, making them all chuckle. The kid was so skinny that if he’d stuck his tongue out he would have looked like a zipper. ‘Who’s the dog today?’
‘Snapper, and he wasn’t happy when they put him in the van,’ replied Three Chins, a fellow eater of shit and fun.
‘Damn, that sod is pissed off when he’s asleep.’ I chuckled and watched the all-black Alsatian chase after the running Twiglet. ‘And, he’s off!’
Within thirty seconds the world was full of screams and blood. Three Chins gave out a belly laugh. ‘Hope he didn’t want kids,’ he said, once again making us laugh.
We all have a physical sense of humour. You have a tainted soul when you’ve done this job as long as we have, but seeing a dog grab a drug dealer between his legs and shake does make the warmth come back into you.
Soon it was our turn to go in. Although it was only a small house, it was a little drugs den where they had been growing cannabis upstairs. I let the young, keen ones strip that down while Three Chins and I had a look around with our experienced, yet slightly dodgy, eyes.
My colleague found £4000 in used notes, which went straight into evidence. I found three kilos of coke in the freezer all tucked away in frozen chip bags. It was turning out to be a big score for us. I went back out to the shed while Chins checked the garage.
My eyes went wide. In the corner was a large Peli case. I flipped the catches and opened it slowly. ‘Fuck me! Who lived here, Rambo?’ I muttered. There were two rifles with scopes and ammo that looked like the ones in the movies. I also found two smaller cases which had several handguns and ammo in each.
I texted Suzie: Money money money. Shed in garden, three plastic cases full of weapons with coke and cash as well. I’ll open back gate and text when we leave.
And that was that. The bigwigs were happy: three males, one (now) female thanks to Snapper, £2000 (ahem) in cash, a kilo of cocaine and a shitpile of weed. There were handshakes and cigars all round. The Chins and I went home to Suzie’s and partied our arses off. It was a good feeling knowing that those guns and drugs were off the streets. Sleep well, all. The country is safe.
Chapter 19
Kettering Household
Dawn Kettering was happy that her husband was home early for once; she was lonely since their son had moved to Scotland for university. Albert always worked hard for their family. They had a lovely four-bedroomed detached house in a quiet cul-de-sac with only the finest things. Now it was her turn to work and bring in some money so that maybe he could start to relax. Dawn was hoping to get a part-time job at the local care home just to keep her mind and body active and maybe give something back to the community.
The phone rang. Albert was still in the shower, so she picked it up. ‘Hello, Kettering residence,’ she said in her typical happy tone.
‘Mrs Dawn Kettering?’
‘Yes, who is this?’ She started to frown because of the person’s accent and the trouble her husband was having.
‘A friend of your husband’s. We are colleagues.’
Her frowned deepened at the wording. Also, they sounded Oriental. This was starting to concern her. ‘Oh yes, can I ask who is calling, please?’
‘No, we are just asking after your daughter’s well-being. We haven’t seen your husband with her for a while,’ the strange person said.
‘We don’t have a daughter. Who is this?’ She was starting to get rattled.
‘Oh really, check your phone…Mrs Kettering.’ They then hung up.
Dawn ran to her mobile. A message arrived just as she reached it. She didn’t dare open it.
Just then, the shower stopped and her husband walked straight to their room to dry off and dress.
With the press of a button a grainy photo popped up showing her husband in bed with a small woman or girl in a school uniform.
She slumped down into her chair trying not to cry waiting for Albert to come down. Her phone cracked as she squeezed it.
Chapter 20
Albert Kettering
Finally, a night of relaxation. Nice shower and now a night of food, TV and who knows what else with Dawny. I headed downstairs and checked in the kitchen and then found her in the lounge. There she was looking pale holding her phone.
‘What’s up, love?’ I asked. She passed the phone to me. ‘Shit.’
‘Well, what is this shit? Are you fucking this thing or were you dosed like Spain?’ Dawny spat. She had been at this game for a long time. Rule one: don’t believe everything you see. It still hurts like hell, but she had been through this before thanks to my old job with the Home Office.
I sat down opposite. ‘Dosed – when I went to that Chinese gambling place, I woke up in bed with these pictures all around me.’ My head was hanging low. How dare those bastards.
‘Why didn’t you tell me? We’re a team, Albert.’
I put my face in my hands. ‘I just didn’t want to put you through it again. I thought I could handle them.’
She gave a sad sigh. ‘And, who are they? Yakuza? Mob? What?’ She had tears running down her cheeks.
‘Chinese mafia. Not sure who they really are. They just want dream files from our top clients,’ I said, embarrassed.
Dawn leaned forward. ‘Have you given them any files? Please say you haven’t.’ She saw my head dip. My head was then thrown sideways by a stinging slap as she backhanded me. ‘What, are you new at this? Jesus, Albert, they have us now! They can take everything away from us! What if they tell your bosses? We’ll be blackballed!’
‘I know, Dawny. I’ll sort it, I promise,’ I said, watching her stand up.
‘You’d better. I’m going to bed,’ Dawn said and walked out. ‘Oh, and the spare bed looks comfy.’ She walked off to sleep alone.
I grabbed my burner phone and rang the only number stored on it. They picked up. ‘Don’t you ever talk to my wife again, you fucker, or I will burn you, burn your whole fucking organisation down!’ I shouted at them.
‘Big talk, Mr Kettering. Keep up with your quota and things will be okay,’ they said softly, but the words carried weight.
‘Fuck you.’ I hung up, and then fell to pieces while consuming half a bottle of whisky. ‘Bastards!’
Chapter 21
Mai Lee
I can’t believe they want this information already. Didn’t they know how difficult it was to find any information on this ghost of a man? The day was nice, so I chose to wear my favourite silk dress with an embroidered dragon hugging my toned body. I knew the men who walked past wanted me, and some of the women, too. If only they knew my secrets.
It was ten in the morning in gloomy London. I longed for the bright lights of Hong Kong, but that wondrous city now felt empty without my Mikey in it. The London Hilton loomed over me, and with a big sigh I made my way up to the penthouse. Just as the elevator doors were about to close, a sleazy-looking man pushed his way in. I could feel his eyes upon me.
‘You working?’ he grunted while smelling of tobacco and sweat.
I gave him a small smile as the lift ascended. ‘Not in the way you would like.’ I watched him give me a puzzled look.
As his brain caught up, he showed off his tobacco-stained tombstone teeth. ‘You don’t know what I like, my pretty,’ he slimed, moving closer to me.
Luckily, being tall along with the added height from my heels meant that I towered over him, which helped me when I crushed his nose with my forehead. Thank God for the generous split in my dress; my knee was able to meet up with his face as it was on the way down.
‘You fwucking bwitch,’ he spat through broken teeth.
I don’t know why he complained, those teeth hurt my knee.
He did squeal a bit when I stuck my stiletto heel into his lovely fleshy thigh. ‘This is my work,’ I said coolly. Back home he would be in a dumpster with his manhood in his pocket by now, but the Hilton is a civilised place. ‘Now, keep quiet and fuck off, or I will send some friends to visit you.’ I rummaged in his jacket pocket for his ID: Mr Edwards. The lift finally arrived at my destination. I stepped over his groaning body and threw down his wallet. ‘Have a nice day!’
I walked to the penthouse door, but it opened before I was able to knock. There stood Mr Chow. ‘Good morning, sir.’ I watched the small but powerful man walk back into the plush suite.
‘Looks like you’ve had a busy morning, Miss Li.’ He sat down with the breath taking London skyline behind him. He gave me a weak smile and tapped his forehead.
I took a tissue and dabbed my head. I then saw the blood. ‘Ah, a gentleman in the lift wanted to play, but he didn’t like the game.’ I gave a coy smile.
He nodded. ‘One should always know the rules before trying to join the game.’ Ming-Hua gave a hearty chuckle. ‘Now, what have you got for me, Miss Lee?’
I opened my briefcase and took out a file. ‘He is a man of many vices, also many talents, but he doesn’t want to be in the limelight. He’s the man and money behind the powerful, using offshore companies to back several politicians who hold chairmanships on major companies, including arms manufacturing and, of course, he is the financial backer for Shimmering Dreams.’
‘Hmmm. He does sound like he has his fingers in a lot of pies, as the English like to say,’ Chow stated before giving me a bottle of water.
I checked to make sure it was still sealed; you never knew if they wanted you to disappear or not. ‘That’s the thing, sir. Apart from Dreams, you won’t find his signature on any paperwork. It’s just rumours here and a rumour there. But we have traced his online activities on the Dark Web. Although he’s using multiple false identities, we have managed to link him to some leaked uncoded dreams. Plus, he’s also blackmailing multiple persons here and abroad, including Beijing and Hong Kong.’ I handed over the file.
The old man, who could order a hit anywhere in England, flicked through the file. ‘You do good work as expected, Miss Lee. Payment will be transferred as usual,’ he said and then added as I was getting up. ‘We have another problem at Dreams; Mr Kettering may need some refocusing.’
I dipped my head in a slight bow. ‘Of course, sir. I shall stay in the country until you say different. I also have plans in place for Mr Sanderson, if you wish to proceed?’ I said.
The old man nodded and walked me to the door. ‘I shall contact you. Goodbye, Miss Lee.’ He closed the door behind me.
Chapter 22
Sam Blades
I was happily leaning back in my armchair watching my little lotus blossom give me another showing of her hit stage show – the ‘getting dressed theatre’. It truly amazed me how she could multitask. I did offer to help her dress, but I agreed with her that a life with thumbs is preferable to one without them.
I escorted my little psycho Bunny to the tube station as she had to go to a meeting in a different par
t of the city.
‘Okay, what are you not going to do today?’ she asked, pressing me against the brushed aluminium wall.
‘No taking the piss out of anyone higher than me.’ I smiled, and then received another probe from her talon. ‘No fighting buskers on the tube, or anywhere.’ I then received a kiss for answering correctly.
‘Good boy. I will see you tonight, round eye.’ She ran off to catch her train, letting her bottom bounce nicely. I let Soft Cell sing to me and our Tainted Love all the way to work. The buskers were back, but there was an uneasy alliance. They tuned their instruments as I passed; I didn’t give them a leathering. Democracy at its best.
I finally made it to the Tower of Lost Souls, or place of employment as the taskmasters called it. I could hear an American talking to the heartless flirts on the reception desk.
‘Sorry, Mr McClane, that is just down the road,’ said the soul gatherer called Susan or Brian, who knows.
I was in shock as I watched the man walk out. Could it be true? No, it couldn’t be – it wasn’t even Christmas. I moved closer to the heart crushers. ‘Susan, what’s that bloke’s name?’
‘My name is Brittany,’ she hissed, like the soulless viper she is.
I rolled my eyes. ‘That’s…what I said.’ I tried to give her my award-winning ‘don’t call HR’ smile. ‘What was that bloke’s name?’
A sneer appeared across her over-inflated lips (no, I don’t like them). ‘His name is John McClane. Why?’ her forked-tongued mouth spat.
All the stars in my universe aligned. All hail, here comes the second coming and we shall defeat evil on this day. I looked upon the demon spawn in front of me and uttered the words that I was born to say. ‘Was he looking for the Nakatomi Tower?’ I beamed at the devourer of children and puppies, hoping to see her crack a smile.
